It’s that time again… #Mondaymemos. I have to put out my usual disclaimer. I AM NOT a dating expert. I can only give advice based on my own experiences with dating. So feel free to take the advice or if you completely disagree you can tell me to have several seats! LOL!
Subject my girls were talking about… dating a guy with a vasectomy 46 2 divorces 3 kids but makes over 200k wants a life partner 5″6 and wants to travel the world with her really nice guy that jumps into relationships too soon would you date him for the fun and experience…
There are so many twists and turns to this topic/question. So I am going to dissect it piece by piece and then draw my full conclusion.
Dating a guy with a vasectomy.
In recent years I have made it a point to ask a man from the very beginning of a relationship how he feels about having children. Especially when it is a man who is of a certain age who already has children. I NEVER ever thought that this would ever be something I had to think about when dating a man until I dated two not one but TWO men who were of a certain age and had children who were grown and they didn’t want more kids. I understand their position completely. However, it is MY belief when a man dates a woman of a certain age who does NOT have kids and wants to have them eventually, it is very selfish of a man to enter into a relationship and deny her of that gift. It’s one thing if the woman does not want children of her own and trust and believe there are plenty of women out there who do not want to have children or for whatever reason cannot have children. So that is a moot point. But if you are a woman who wants to have children one day and a man enters a relationship with you who is not willing to make that happen (if you are entering into a serious long term committed relationship) I would keep it moving. There are plenty of men out there who are willing and able to give you children and it is down right selfish for a man to deny you of that if that is something you want. Don’t be afaid to have the conversation.
46, 2 divorces, 3 kids but makes over $200K
The fact that he makes over $200K says to me that he can at least take care of his children. There’s nothing worse than a man who has children and does not take care of them. That is just downright trifling and shows he has a major character flaw. Also, I am assuming his 3 kids were from his marriages. I have no issue with a man having children but if he has 3 children from 3 different baby mommas and was never married… I’m looking at him with side eyes. To me that shows lack of commitment, and apparently a shortage of condoms. The fact that he has 2 divorces could be a little bit of a turn off, but again, shit happens in life. I never thought I would have been divorced so I have learned to never say never or judge someone else’s marital woes. There are two sides to every story. For all you know, his first marriage could have been when he was in his early 20′s and didn’t know any better, and his second marriage could have just been to the wrong person. At least he doesn’t have a fear of commitment. And you never know… the 3rd time could be the charm. But I would definitely get to the bottom of the multiple marriages and find out what the Tea is. Why did the marriages not last, what did he learn from it, what would he do differently, what is his expectation out of the relationship, etc. Don’t be afraid to have the conversation.
So he is a little man! LOL! Make sure he doesn’t have a Napoleon complex. I’m 5’8 without heels and typically wear heels so I stand at close to 6′ so I wouldn’t date a man that short. Nor do I have experience in dating a man that short. But I do find it funny that was part of the description.
Wants a life partner…Wants to travel the world with her…really nice guy that jumps into relationships too soon
What does that mean? Is that all he wants? Just a travel buddy who will travel the world, have sex with him, and then what? Life partner? Does that mean because he has been married before he doesn’t want to get married again and instead would just want a life partner not another wife? I am sure he is a nice guy, but what is he looking for? Don’t be afraid to have the conversation.
Would you date him for the fun and experience?
To sum this up, the answer to this question is twofold. If you are a women, who already has kids, doesn’t want to have any, and really isn’t interested in marriage. This man is an ideal candidate! You two can travel the world together and make a nice life for yourself. However, if you are a women who wants to have children or eventually wants marriage I would probably say keep it moving no matter how nice the guy is. Sometimes we as women get into relationships thinking we can change a man’s decision. What do I always say? When a man tells you who he is, what he wants, and what he doesn’t want believe him! The last thing you want to do is fall in love with a man who doesn’t want the same things as you do. It doesn’t make either one of you wrong or right, it just means you should reevaluate getting into a relationship if neither person is getting what they want out of it.
In short, my advice is don’t be afraid to have that uncomfortable conversation to make sure you are on the same page. It’s better to have it upfront before your are emotionally invested than to attempt to have it once feelings are involved. The theme for today’s #Mondaymemos is don’t be afraid to have the conversation.
Make it a great week ladies!!!!
I know it’s past the morning hours and this is was orginally called Monday Morning Memos. So I have revised the name to Monday Memos. It’s less pressure on me to get the post out in the morning. You know I am not a morning person by nature! LOL! But hey… better late than never.
And remember my disclaimer… I am not a dating expert. It’s the blind leading the blind. I can only give advice based on my own personal experiences and feelings. Enjoy!
Do you have any experience with secretive men? This seems to be a common type I come across. With some of them, they end up being complete cons (like leading a double life) but the one I’m seeing now is secretive, although he may not intend to be and probably isn’t hiding anything.
As a woman if you have dated long enough you will come across a secretive man. This is NEVER a good thing. I always found it interesting when I meet women who are dating a man who has said the following statement to them…
I’m not looking for anything serious. I just want to see where things go. I am not looking for a relationship.
If you are looking for the same thing then that’s fine. However, if you are looking for something serious and a man makes that statement RUN RUN RUN for the hills. Because he has told you who he is. And no matter what, you will catch feelings and eventually be disappointed when he isn’t giving you what you want out of the relationship. And inevitability you will end up having that uncomfortable conversation.
Woman: Where are we going? We have been together for (XXX amount of time) and I feel like this relationship isn’t going anywhere.
Secretive Man: I told you from the beginning I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I just want to see where things go.
And before you know it, you wake up and realize you have given this man 5+ years of your life and have no commitment from him because you didn’t listen to what he said from the beginning of the “relationship.” This is a true story. A woman I know was with a man who was secretive and made that statement and she wasted her GOOD years on a fool! I know some of you are wondering what the hell that has to do with the topic on hand! A LOT!
My point is when a man tells you who he is… BELIEVE him! Sometimes a mans actions speak even louder than his words. If you are dating a man for some time and you haven’t met his friends or family. You are more than likely the jump off or there is someone else that is hanging with the friends and meeting the family and that person is NOT YOU! The fact that you are even questioning it is your Inner Loving Diva trying to tell you that shit ain’t right! I do not know if women stick around with men like this because they think they are going to change or they feel like there is a shortage of men and you have to just date anyone that gives you the time of day… but that isn’t the case. NO amount of great sex, great cooking, and great conversation is going to change that man. If he doesn’t see you as someone he wants around his family and friends… He is not the one for you. Notice I didn’t say He’s Just Not That Into You. I hate that damn book! Because it implies that it’s something the woman has done that makes the man not be into you. And that’s not the case. A man not wanting to be with doesn’t have shit to do with who you are or your worth as a woman. Any way… I digressed.
So what do you do if you failed to listen to your Inner Loving Diva and you have now caught feelings for a “secretive” guy? Have an honest conversation. Face to face, not through text, and definitely not over the phone. Give him the opportunity to explain what’s going. Look him in the eye and get the answers you need. Not what you WANT to hear but what you NEED to make a wise decision. Before you have the conversation, you have to be willing and able to walk away if the explanation is not honoring who you are.
However, my dear, I have a sneaking suspicion you already know the Tea on this man! The time you are wasting on the “Secretive” man could be taking away from you dating the MOST important person in your life… YOURSELF! By dating Yourself and not being afraid to be alone you realize your self worth and never allow yourself to be in a situation where you are with a man who is not honoring who you are and shouting from rooftops, That’s my baby!!!
To answer your question… No, I do not have experience with dating “Secretive” men because when my Inner Loving Diva tells me something ain’t right, I keep it moving. It doesn’t mean I haven’t made other dating mistakes or fell for some other BS. As you will see in the conclusion of I Fell Off The Wagon (post coming later this week). I almost fell for the okie-doke! But when your intuition is telling you something follow it! You know this man isn’t right and you also know feeling like you are someone’s secret lover is not what you want. So do NOT push down the feeling. And keep it moving!
I’m switching things up! As you all know, I went through 2 1/2 weeks of serious Writer’s Block. I mean serious serious serious writer’s block! During that time I asked my readers and followers to send me some topics of discussion. And I am grateful that I got some great topics and questions. Now let me first say this…. And I know I say it all the time… But I feel the need to reiterate it. I am not a dating expert. I am in no way pretending to be a dating expert and have all the answers. It’s the blind leading the fucking blind around here! LOL! All I can do is tell you my opinion and my experiences and what I’ve learned from them. From there it is up to you to decipher what perils of wisdom work for you and which ones you can tell me to have several seats on. So moving forward, each Monday, I am introducing Monday Morning Memos. I will take the time out to answer a topic or a dating/relationship question and give my opinions. With that here is the Inaugural Monday Morning Memo post! Enjoy!
Following your gut in dating/a relationship. If we could all learn to do this better, maybe we’d avoid a lot of heartbreak. How do you tune into your gut? How do you know what it is saying vs. your mind or your heart?
I refer to my gut as my Inner Loving Diva. Because that’s exactly what your gut is. It is that inner voice that guides you and let’s you know when something isn’t right. It’s a strong force that penetrates through your being and tells you that something is or isn’t right. However, I didn’t learn to truly listen to my Inner Loving Diva until after my marriage fell apart. Ironically that guiding force was with me the entire relationship. Screaming that it wasn’t the right relationship and NOT to get married. But I pushed it down. I reasoned with myself. Even when you aren’t following your gut the universe will give you signs. BIG signs to run and reevaluate. The difference between knowing it is your Inner Loving Diva vs. your mind or heart is it will keep coming up in phases. I call this phase 1 The Whispers.
Phase 1- The Whispers
This is when something isn’t feeling right. You feel it in your spirit. But you reason with yourself or push it down and tell yourself the following things…
- It’s all in my head, I’m making shit up…
- I’m being selfish…
- I’m being childish…
- Maybe it’s not as bad as I thought…
- I’m expecting too much…
- I’m being ridiculous…
Those thoughts are what i refer to as the whispers. Your antenna is up. The second that antenna goes up its your Inner Loving Diva letting you know it’s time to take a pause and reflect. It doesn’t mean you leave the relationship. It doesn’t mean your with the wrong person. But you do not ignore those feelings. You investigate it with time. There is something that is causing you to feel that way. It might be valid and it might be bullshit. But your Inner Loving Diva is telling you to reflect and not push down the feeling.
Phase 2- The Nudge
The next phase is what I call The Nudge. This happens two different ways. It happens when you are either pushing down the Whispers or you stop and reflect.
Either way the universe will let you know shit ain’t right or will lead you to the truth. Your Inner Loving Diva will try to warn you, will try to Nudge you. There were so many warnings prior to my engagement and wedding that was my Inner Loving Diva’s way of nudging me that I was about to make a mistake if I went through the wedding. Blatant signs! Tangible evidence! Those were red flags that are screaming out:
STOP!!! DON’T DO THIS!!! YOU’RE ABOUT TO MAKE A MISTAKE!!!
I had this happen a week before I got married. The nudging that I was about to make a mistake. If you are a loyal reader to my blog you know I do not go into details about my marriage. There are some things that are not meant to be shared with the world. But trust me when I say, you know when the nudge occurs. And it can be multiple different nudges. And if you still decide to ignore your Inner Loving Diva. That’s when Phase 3 comes.
Phase 3- The Shake-Up
Once you have pushed down the signs and ignored The Nudge. That’s when the shake up happens. That’s when the inciting indecent occurs. The incident/ occurrence that shakes you to your core. It knocks you to your knees. You are no longer able to push down the voice of your Inner Loving Diva or ignore the nudges because you are faced with what you were most terrified of… THE TRUTH. And when the shake up happen it forever changes you life and your perspective. Its actually a blessing. The Shake Up forces you to listen to you Inner Loving Diva. It’s the “Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda” moment. It’s the “What was I thinking” moment. It’s the moment when you reflect back to the initial Whisper and realize the force within you is strong and will protect you.
As you learn to listen to you Inner Voice aka your gut you won’t have to experience the shake up. You learn to know the difference between your heart/mind vs. your Inner Loving Diva. As you become more in tune with your gut, it becomes easier to decipher the difference and you learn to stop and listen. Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is take a moment to stop, be still, be silent, and listen. Your gut tells you everything you need to know. And the day we decide to follow it and listen to it. Is the day when you grow and you don’t have to go to Phase 3 The Shake Up. It doesn’t mean that you won’t slip up from time to time and have to get the nudge. You’re still human.
You will see how I slipped up recently and went to Phase 2 in the conclusion of my last post I Fell Of The Wagon. Part 2 coming this week! I know you didn’t think I was going to leave you hanging!
Meanwhile, take time this week to stop, be still, be silent, and listen! Your Inner Loving Diva will never steer you wrong….
It happens. I’m human. When I started this blog, I promised myself if I didn’t write shit that was authentic, genuine, honest, and real I wouldn’t write shit at all! Hence my 2 ½ week hiatus writer’s block and life just got the best of me. What can I say…? But I’m back!
So… I fell off the wagon. After all of my growth, insight, wisdom, and discernment, I reverted back to a 23 year old fool! Smh! Here is my confession of my own foolery!
Back in December my close girlfriend and her husband had a Christmas party. IT wasn’t just any ordinary Christmas party. This was a high end extravaganza! They decorated their estate… yes I said estate to the nines in the classiest, chicest Christmas decorations, there was an abundance of gourmet food, a bartender was mixing drinks with premium liquors and high end wines, and their was a great mix of guests. It was a wonderful evening. I didn’t plan on meeting anyone. Trust me, I’m used to going to these Holiday parties solo. And Don’t cry for me Argentina. I say that with contentment. Like I said, I am in a place where I am truly enjoying my Singledom and it feels so good! Anyway, I’m digressing… My point, I didn’t go to this event planning on meeting ANYONE. I went with the full intention of enjoying the food, drink, and company.
To my surprise while having a conversation with one of my girlfriend’s guests, I looked up and there stood an extremely attractive man. He had to be at least 6’5, he had a low cut fade, well groomed facial hair. If you looked up MONIQUE’S IDEAL MAN APPEARANCE his picture would come up immediately! We caught each other’s eyes and he smiled at me revealing a set of perfectly straight white teeth. And of course I gave him my million dollar mega watt smile back (for those who are new to this blog I might sound completely narcissistic, but if you don’t toot your own horn… damn it who will?) Just as I was doing cartwheels internally a young woman walked up next to him and handed him a drink. DAMN! Of course he was with someone! Why in the world would Murphy’s Law let me have the story line of “I met my husband when I least expected it…” Although that seemed to be the bullshit story all these other women who were in new relationships were trying to sell. I know I sound cynical… Of course that wouldn’t be the case for me. My inner loving diva consoled me, Keep your head up. At least your girlfriend made sure she has plenty of bottles of your favorite wines. SO I continued enjoying the wine and conversation of a fabulous Holiday party and kept my distance from the attractive man.
When going back to the massive gourmet food to get my 10th plate of food I bumped into Dreamboat and his date. They introduced themselves to me. I discovered “Aaron” was from the Midwest. He handled Hedge Funds for a major financial company. And his date was my girlfriend’s husband’s manicurist. And as a side note… no I do not find anything wrong with a well groomed man. As long as he doesn’t have a clear coat of polish on that completely acceptable. I found that to be an interesting combination. Call me a snob… Hell, I’ll call myself a snob. But how in the hell would an educated successful man, be hooked up with a manicurist?! So I asked the question as tactfully as I could. Hell I was nosey and wanted to get the Tea!
Me: How long have you two been together?
Aaron and Manicurist: (in unison) We are JUST friends!
Me: Really? Well you know what they say about friends. They make the best relationships.
Now you already know I was just making conversation. I was actually doing more internal cartwheels when they told me the news. And when they said it in unison “Aaron” slightly turned off by the idea and The Manicurist just shook her head.
The Manicurist: He’s like a brother to me. We would never date.
Although she said that, any other woman knows when another woman isn’t being honest with herself. I could totally tell she liked him. And I could also tell that if he told her he wanted to date her she would be joining my internal gymnastics team and be doing cartwheels too! But hey, that’s not my problem and this woman wasn’t my friend. And I specifically asked them if we were dating and they both adamantly denied it! So I believe in taking people for their word.
The Manicurist went off to get another drink and “Aaron” stayed there and we continued to talk. I found out he was 43 years old, had never been married but had a 7 year old daughter. He literally lived down the street from me. Then we started talking about relationships and work life balance.
Aaron: Maybe you could help me with work life balance. I have a tendency to be bad with that.
Me: It has to be a conscious effort. You have to have a life or you’ll miss moments.
Aaron: I wouldn’t want to miss any moments with you…
Such a corny ass line. So cheesy. But between the drinks and looking up to his 6’6 build I didn’t give a shit. I was enjoying the moment.
Aaron: Here’s my card. My cell phone is on it. Please give me a call. As a matter of fact, send me a text right away so I have your number.
Me: Sure. I’ll do that.
In an effort to not risk becoming a Stage 5 clinger, I circulated through the party. Throughout the evening I would catch him checking me out.
Before “Aaron” and the manicurist left the party, he came over and gave me a hug. As he hugged me he reminded me to send him the text. He said it loud enough for The Manicurist to hear it. So it wasn’t like he was being sneaky.
Of course the usual happens when you meet someone a a friends party during the after party clean up. I call it the Aftermath.
Girlfriend: So what was the deal with you and that guy? He couldn’t stop staring at you all night.
Me: He seemed cool. At first I thought he was with the Manicurist.
Girlfriend: I don’t think so. Did you exchange numbers?
Me: He gave me his card and asked me to text him my info. But I’ll wait until tomorrow.
Girlfriend: Why would you do that?
Me: I don’t want to seem pressed.
Girlfriend: Are you crazy?! There’s a lot of woman who aren’t pressed sitting around still SINGLE. You better text that man and stop playing games!
ME: You know what… You’re right!
I went into the guest bedroom and grabbed my phone. You know you have a great girlfriend when they make it a point to give you your own room in their house so you never have to worry about driving home under the influence. I grabbed my phone. Why is it when you like a guy you become so self conscious about everything you do? From leaving a text to leaving a voice mail… it’s not a simple task. after several rough drafts I settled with:
It was great meeting you tonight. Here’s my info.
Within seconds “Aaron” responded:
It was great meeting you as well. I look forward to keeping in touch and getting to know you more.
TO BE CONTINUED….
I am having official writer’s block this week! Well actually… You know my rule of thumb…. if I go out with a guy who has some possibility I will NOT blog about him. So I need your help in order to make sure I do not go weeks without writing (you all never let me live that down last time). Send me some possible topics to blog about or if you need advice on an area of dating and I will write a post. I don’t ask my loyal readers for much. :-) So help a sista out! Meanwhile… Date on!!!!
Love is in the air! You can’t log onto Facebook without seeing a sudden splurge of new couples in relationships, engagement announcements, and wedding pictures. I don’t know if it’s just me, but my timeline has been full of these beautiful people who have found love. It has certainly spilled out of cyber space and into my everyday life. My close girlfriends (yes that’s plural) who are part of my inner circle are engaged and planning their weddings. It is so refreshing to see my girlfriends with the look of love in their eyes as they plan their weddings.
I take my job as the Bachelorette party planning expert seriously. I believe you MUST give your girls the send off they will never forget! I recently hosted a group of friends at my house to plan the upcoming bachelorette weekend for one of the brides to be. The planning committee sat around my living room with note pads and plenty of ideas of how to make the bachelorette party weekend memorable. I pretended to not be slightly disappointed when they adamantly opposed having a stripper. I mean seriously, what’s bachelorette party without a stripper?! LOL! I conceded and settled on ordering a cake shaped like a large… well… a large part of a man’s anatomy. As well as purchase straws that will look like the shape of the cake to sip our cocktails (pun intended) for the weekend. Anyway, I digressed!
With that in place we finalized our weekend of bachelorette party fun. Before everyone departed we went through out list of to do items and I wanted to make sure we didn’t miss anything.
Me: Alright ladies, are we all set? Are we missing anything?
Girlfriend #1: I think we are. What did you your girls do for your bachelorette party?
I was slightly taken aback. Not in a negative or bad way. But it had been a while since I reflected on my wedding weekend. And all the fun me, my bridesmaids, and close girlfriends had for my bachelorette party. I had the presidential suite at an amazing hotel. The stripper ended up standing us up. But they bought me a cake shaped like a…. man’s anatomy. They got me all kinds of sexy/trashy lingerie including edible panties, whips, and flavored massage oil. We went out to the club in a super stretch limo, drank plenty of champagne and partied the night away. I ended up falling asleep in the corner at the club because I was so exhausted from all the wedding planning. One of my bridesmaids threw up in the limo from mixing her liquors. But what I remember most was being surrounded by my girls from different periods of my life (high school, college, LA life) and just enjoying each other and acting like we were teenagers.
Girlfriend #1: Oh… that’s why you are so adamant about the strippers! I get it!
Me: You know what? You are absolutely right! I’m like a stage mom turned bridesmaid. I want my girlfriend to have what I didn’t have!
Wow! Within 2 minutes, my friend manage to diagnose my need for strippers at the bachelorette party weekend. Go figure!
A few weeks later my other Bride-to-Be girlfriend gave me a call. She was newly engaged and in the beginning stages of her wedding planning.
Girlfriend #2: There’s so much to do. We are still trying to finalize the actually date. We are thinking of Sunday. Did you get married on a Saturday or a Sunday?
Me: I got married on a Sunday.
Girlfriend #2: Did it deter some of your guest from coming?
Me: Actually it didn’t. We were able to squeeze in more activities for the weekend. It ended up being a countdown to the actual wedding.
Girlfriend #2: That makes so much sense! Thank you. I will probably need to call you and pick your brain on more wedding stuff.
Me: No worries! Call me anytime.
We hung up the phone and a day or so later the other Bride-to-Be sent me a text message.
Girlfriend #3: Hey there. Where did you have your rehearsal dinner?
And last but not least I ran into another girlfriend of mine at a party. She is a bridesmaid in one of the upcoming weddings.
Me: It looks like we are the last woman standing!
Girlfriend #4: Yeah. But you’ve been married before. SO technically you were the first woman down the aisle!
We clinked our glasses and toasted to the single life.
When I got home that evening I went to my meditation room and did something I hadn’t done in years… I went deep into the bowels of my closet where I had tucked away the last piece of evidence that I was once married… my wedding album. When I threw out, burned, or tore up any pictures, cards, etc. one of my close friends told me I should keep the wedding album.
Friend: You never know. One day you will look back on that day differently than you look at it now.
Me: I highly doubt it. But okay. I will keep it.
As I took the album out of its protective cover and lifted the heavy brown leather out of the box I took a deep breath and opened it up. Wow! Who was that girl in that picture? She looked like me, but she wasn’t me. I flipped through the pictures. I saw the look of love and hope I had that day and I found myself smiling. Looking at the pictures of me hugging my mother, father, and grandmother, me and my closest girlfriends toasting to my wedding, the love I saw in parents’ eyes. The album was no longer about my ex or the marriage. It was about that moment in time.
I realized I had spent the last few years pushing down that day so much so that I never allowed myself to actually look back at the beauty of the day and that weekend. It’s funny how things in life force you to revisit something you had put to the side for so long. By being the midst of wedding planning with my girlfriends I had been forced to revisit my wedding weekend.
It’s also ironic how looking at a picture that once brought you tears of sadness, disappointment, and made you melancholy can have such a different perception a few short years later. A few years ago I would look at these pictures and regret that I had my first experience of marriage with that person. I would be so upset because not matter how much I tried to deny it to myself. The fact of the matter was I was once married. Even when I meet my true soul mate, no matter how much I try to deny it in my mind, that person would indeed be my second husband. I would be having my second wedding. And it truly upset me that I gave the wrong person the opportunity to be my first.
But now looking at the pictures I can say YES he was my first husband, NO he won’t be my last, and he was certainly was NOT my everything and end all be all. I can look at the wedding pictures and smile at the happiness of the day. And acknowledge, YES I was once a beautiful bride and got to experience walking down the aisle and be surrounded by my family and friends and experience the full love of those people. Those same people were there to lift me up when I went through the ending of the marriage with the same love and support they gave me as I prepared for the beginning of it. I am finally at a place where I am content with where I am in my life. I am actually enjoying the freeness of being a divorcée.
I can celebrate the weddings of my girlfriends and know I was once where they were and I can be excited that they are getting to experience the joy of the experience. I also know I will experience walking down the aisle again, but this time because I had the FIRST marriage I will know it will be my LAST and to me, that means EVERYTHING!
I must admit I was actually proud of myself for giving “Eric” another chance this was growth for me, MAJOR growth. I was exhausting all possibilities. But when I closed my eyes and thought of that kiss… I was still not turned on. I don’t care what anyone says. The first kiss says it all. Hell, the first anything says it all. I do not subscribe to that bullshit methodology that lots of times the first kiss… or anything else is awkward. Ummmm… the devil is a liar! If the first time for anything isn’t enjoyable and there are no sparks that means your chemistry with the person is off. IF a first kiss was awkward I was certainly not even going to take a chance and figure if the first anything else would be just as awkward and uneventful. Anyway I digressed… my point is I was still trying to be open. So I decided to give it another date. Maybe, just maybe the sparks would fly.
We did the traditional dinner and a movie. I was actually annoyed with him. I was already on the fence about him. And he had the audacity to show up 27 minutes late! I was pissed! I was actually about to leave when he finally showed up. HE apologized profusely and said it had something to do with his daughter. You can’t cuss someone out for being late when it had something to do with their children. So I let it slide and put my attitude in check.
It was interesting because I typically stay away from movie dates for the first few dates. A first date movie date is the worse. How in the hell are you supposed to get to know anyone while watching a movie when you can’t talk?! However this was a fourth date. I guess this was what people do after a few dates. And we had the best conversation over dinner. “Eric” had definitely loosened up. When we walked to the restaurant he insisted he walked on the outside of me closer to the street side. He made sure my hand didn’t touch a door. HE held my hand. I tried to ignore how awkward it felt to hold a guy’s hand that was shorter than me. Like I always say, Michelle Obama has mastered the art of being taller than her hubby and she looks like she is doing just fine. When we got to the movies I went to pay for our tickets “Eric” being the gentleman he was refused to let me and said he had already gotten the tickets ahead of time. I figured it was the least I could do. We had now been out on four dates and I thought it was only fair to reach in my pocket for something. For all you nosey men out there reading this blog… you see, women do not mind paying for things. But during the first few dates it shouldn’t even cross your mind. You should be the man and handle that! Trust me we will reach into our pockets and pay for something. Where the issue comes in is when a man EXPECTS a woman to court THEM and pay for THEIR dates. So I snuck to the concession stand and bought popcorn, snacks, drinks etc. before he had a chance to pay for it. He looked shocked. We proceeded to the movie theatre and right before the movie started he reached over to give a kiss. And again, it was another one of those long lingering pecks. URGH!!! What the fuck?! After the movie he walked me to my car and gave me another tired ass lingering peck.
At this point I decided it was a wrap. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was NOT attracted to this man in a romantic way at ALL! He was a nice guy and I enjoyed our time together as friends. But that was it. I thought maybe, just maybe, my attraction would grow. But we had now gone on 4 dates… 4 dates and nothing. And the kiss was just not there. I admit I am an overly passionate person. I get that, I acknowledge that, so I know the man that lands me is going to have a passion drive that is above average. I need a man that will know how to be a Conqueror and conquer me and have his way! Oh my… That is TMI. But you get my drift! Now that we had been on four dates, I could tell that “Eric” was digging me more. He was texting more and calling more. Why oh why can’t this happen with the guys you’re really into and attracted to? WHY?
Normally I would fade off into the sunset and the guy would get the hint that I was just not into him and eventually stop calling me. But since “Eric” was a good person and we had been out on several dates. I knew I had to actually have a conversation with him and break it off. OH God! Why did being a mature person require so much energy?!
The next evening “Eric” called me.
Eric: I had such a great time with you last night.
Me: I’m glad you enjoyed yourself.
Eric: You know my birthday is coming up.
Oh fuck! I forgot he had a birthday coming up in the next 3 days. I didn’t feel right having the “Let’s just be friends,” conversation now that he had brought up his birthday.
Me: What do you have planned for your birthday?
Eric: I would like to spend it with you.
Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! FUCK!!!! We were now about to head on to date number 5. And how do you turn someone down for their birthday? FUCK.
Three days later I was sitting across from “Eric” for his birthday. I got him a leather sketch pad for his drawings. I wanted to make sure he had a special birthday. When we finished dinner. I pretended to go to the bathroom and flagged down the waiter and paid for dinner. I knew he would ultimately fight me over paying for the bill. And there was no way I would feel comfortable letting him pay for his birthday dinner. He walked me outside and luckily the stars were aligned. The valet already had my car ready with the door open and there was a long line of folks behind me! Thank you Jesus. I wouldn’t have to endure those lingering pecks that he thought was a passionate kiss. I quickly gave him a hug and jumped into the car under the guise of not wanting people to start honking because I was taking too long.
I knew I had to have the conversation with him and I had to do it quick. Because if I went out with him again with the way I was feeling about him I knew for a fact I was going to be a BITCH. I know this was a defense mechanism I used in the past. I would be a bitch to push the guy away so he would no longer be interested in me and I wouldn’t have to endure having to give the “Let’s be friends speech.”
But I had grown and I knew it was the inevitable and because I a) wanted us to be friends and b) worked with one of his close friend’s I knew I wouldn’t; be able to resort to my usual childish antics. I was going to have to be a grown ass woman and be honest with him. I was heading off to New York for work and he wanted to see me before I left. I blew him off and told him work got too crazy before the trip and I would call him once I got to New York.
Once I checked into the hotel and showered. I ordered room service, had a glass of wine, took a deep breath and dialed “Eric’s” number.
Eric: Well hello there.
Me: Hey Eric. How’s it going?
Eric: Good. We need to make each other a promise moving forward.
Me: What’s that?
Eric: When either one of us go out of town. We need to make it a point to see each other.
I took a long swig of my wine and went for my prepared speech.
Me: Eric, I think you’re such a great guy. And I have to be honest, it’s been a long time since I have gone out with someone consistently so that definitely says a lot about who you are. But I am not feeling the connection I need I’m not sure if it’s because my schedule has been so busy lately and I have had a lot of travel too.
Now I know that was bullshit, but I didn’t want to be a total asshole.
Eric: (long pause) I see. I was actually planning on seeing you and having this conversation with you when you returned. Because I could tell you were pulling away.
Me: I’m really sorry.
Eric: There’s no need to apologize. I think a part of you is scared.
Chile please! There ain’t nothing I am scared of. But again, I wanted to make this as easy as possible.
Me: Yeah, you’re probably right. But I do not you to just disappear. But I think we should work on our friendship and instead.
Eric: I think that’s a good idea. We can take the pressure off of each other by taking out the relationship element.
Me: I agree.
Eric: I was feeling the same way too. And I wasn’t understanding why. We were both feeling the same way. I think it’s my fault because I have been hesitant and wasn’t giving you the proper chance.
Now I knew this was bullshit. But I ran with it.
Me: I could tell you were holding back and I am so glad we had this discussion.
We talked a little bit more. But you know how awkward a conversation is after you have essentially told someone you are NOT feeling them. We eventually got off the phone and I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.
I was proud of myself because I had officially stepped out of my comfort zone. I gave a guy a real chance that wasn’t necessarily my type. I was honest with him and did the adult thing by communicating with him how I was feeling. And I acknowledged my feelings and didn’t allow myself to go down a road of dating someone and forcing it. That wasn’t fair to him and it certainly would not be fair to me.
At the end of the day, you have to go with your gut. And if you’re not feeling someone you can’t force it. And most importantly you just can’t settle. I am sure “Eric” and I will be great friends one day. But some men are just that… A great friend and you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole.
Date One with “Eric” was done and like I said I was committing to give him at least three dates. I recognize I am always VERY quick to move on and I needed to give these men a chance. Besides, the conversation with “Eric” was refreshing. I wasn’t sure if it was his British accent or the actual conversation but either way, I enjoyed his company.
We went to a trendy burger spot in Hollywood. I purposefully dressed down. I wore a pair of jeans, a black tank top, and lower heels. When I walked into the restaurant I spotted him right away. He dressed up a little but more from the last date. He had on a sweater, a trendy scarf and jeans. Instead of a baseball cap he wore a Ben Hogan cap. Clearly he had a thing for hats. LOL! At one point during the date I asked him to take off his hat. I just had to make sure he didn’t have some sort of weird growth that he was hiding. Luckily he had a normal shaped head. As usual the conversation flowed. But again, I didn’t have the butterflies. I didn’t have the warm and tingly feeling. I enjoyed his company but I didn’t have the nervous/ feeling of excitement I usually get. Perhaps that’s an unrealistic expectation. He walked me to the car. And I could tell he wanted to kiss me but he gave me a hug. I could respect the idea that he was being respectable. After our date I was meeting some friends of mine at The Dime. It was just what the doctor ordered. As I drove to meet them I found myself getting mad. Mad at MYSELF!
What is wrong with you? Why aren’t you feeling this guy?! He’s nice, you can talk to him, and he’s British for God’s sake! What is wrong with you?
When I found my friends in the corner it was a relief to get out and dance and act a fool with my inner circle of friends. When you’re beating up on yourself there’s nothing like surrounding yourself around the people who love you unconditionally with all of your quirks and idiosyncrasies! One of my guy friends walked me to my car. He and I had been friends for the last decade (he’s happily married to a wonderful woman and they are expecting their first child so he is TRULY a great friend… like a brother). He has been with me through te ups and downs of my various relationships and dating experiences. SO he always likes to ask how things are going.
Guy Friend: So, how the dating scene. Have you met anyone interesting?
Me: Yeah. I actually came out here after a date.
Guy Friend: Word?! When are we meeting this guy?
Me: I have to figure out if I really like him or not.
Guy Friend: What do you mean?
ME: I’m just not sure if I’m feeling him. He’s a nice guy but I just don’t know.
Guy Friend: How many dates?
Me: This was our second date.
Guy Friend: And you’re still not sure if you are feeling him?
ME: Not yet. I’m just taking my time.
Guy Friend: Don’t force it. If it’s not there it’s not there.
Me: I know. But I’m beginning to think it’s me. Maybe I have the problem. This guy is smart, successful, nice, easy to talk to, and well-traveled.
Guy Friend: But Monique, if it’s not there it’s not there. Don’t settle.
Me: I’m 36 years old. Maybe it’s unrealistic to expect to have the butterflies and all that shit. I need to be practical.
Guy Friend: I hear you. You definitely need to be practical but you also can’t force yourself to feel something that isn’t there.
Me: You’re right. I’m gong to give it another date and see what happens. I hear those stories about couples who weren’t feeling each other in the beginning but they eventually fall deeply in love.
My guy friend leaned his head over to the side and had a few seconds of deep thought. Or perhaps he was looking at a crazy person… Aka ME! LOL! I don’t know. Either way he gave me one of those long “I’m trying to tell you” stares.
Guy Friend: Ooookay….
* Can we take a moment of silence and acknowledge that I actually made it to a 3rd date?! I mean seriously. I don’t do 3rd dates often. That’s is either major growth for me or perhaps “Eric” was making an impression. There I go digressing! LOL!
A week went by and I was wrestling with myself internally about this. Seriously, I was really spending too much time thinking about it and being mad at myself for not feeling it. But I was committed to the 3 dates. We made plans to go out that evening. But Sundays are my ME day. I usually go to the Farmer’s Market and get my flowers for the week, go to church, do my grocery shopping and make myself a nice meal to start off my week. As I was marinating my chicken for my rosemary chicken dish and having a glass of wine, “Eric” called. I was so relaxed and really not in the mood to go anywhere. But I had committed to going out with him. When he asked me what I wanted to do I decided to invite him over for an evening of Ratchet TV aka Real Housewives of Atlanta, Married to Medicine and Fashion Queens. I wasn’t about to miss my Sunday evening programming! I’m a lot like men and sports with my reality TV. It’s just not the same watching it a day later even though I have DVR. I need instinct gratification! Anyway I digressed.
He actually agreed. That says a lot about him. And it was a good thing! Men, just like you want you woman to watch sports, women want a man who can watch ratchet TV and not comment on how ignorant it is. I threw on a pair of jeans, a tank top, and flip-flops. This should be the tell-tale sign. If I still wasn’t into “Eric” after this date at least I could say I tried. Since he had been such a gentleman up to this point I Wasn’t worried about him trying to get too frisky at my house. When I opened the door there he was. And I still did not have that feeling of excitement or butterflies. I was still feeling beige. I took a deep breath and decided to try to enjoy the evening. We watched TV. I explained each character on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. And we watched the hair drag seen all over the world, when Porscha Williams grabbed Kenya Moore by the hair and dragged her across the stage during the reunion. He laughed, he thought it was ignorant. But he didn’t judge my TV viewing choice, he enjoyed the dinner, and he didn’t try anything. I mean, not even a touch on the leg, a pat on the shoulder. I know I wanted him to be a gentleman but damn…. Can we show some type of affection? LOL!
The end of the evening came. I walked him to the door. And that’s when it happened. The kiss. There we stood under the moonlight and the stars. It was a perfect California evening. He leaned over, I closed my eyes… And he gave me the sweetest… PECK! Ummmmm… Really? A peck followed by another series of pecks! Ummmm…. not feeling it… Is this a British thing? I wasn’t looking for some type of pornographic kiss. But the 1st kiss tells you everything you need to know.
And if I wasn’t feeling butterflies before this, any flutter that could have possibly happened died. I walked inside and closed the door and tilted my head to the side completely perplexed. What’s wrong with us women? WE complain when a man is too forward, too sexual, too blunt, and now here was a gentleman and I was still complaining! Perhaps I would never be satisfied. I was having another wrestling match with myself.
What should I do? Do I keep going out with him and hope that things will grow or cut my loses short? I eventually need to learn how to give a man a chance. So I decided to go on another date. Yes we are now up to date number 4!
TO BE CONTINUED