New Posts Coming In January!!!

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Wishing you a wonderful Holiday Season and a Happy New Year! New posts coming in January!

 

One Single Warning

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year! The Holiday season… The time to drink and be merry. It’s also happens to be my favorite time of the year. It is also that time of year for members of Singledom to beware!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!  The Holiday season… The time to drink and be merry.  It’s also happens to be my favorite time of the year.  It is also that time of year for members of Singledom to beware!

My feeling of overall contentment and happiness started to became evident three weeks ago when one of my nearest and dearest college friends came to LA with his beautiful wife and adorable baby.  So “The Fam” as we call it (my closest inner circle of friends dating back to our college years) got together for a night on the town.  Being the sap I am I wanted to get a chance to see their baby as well as my other friend and his wife who had just given birth to a newborn.  And what can I say… I am a sucker for adorable babies.  It is so fulfilling to see my friends with their children.  So I went to an impromptu Sip-N-See.  Right before we headed out to Nic’s in Beverly Hills all the ladies got together to take a picture.  As we were taking the picture I noticed something very interesting.  While my other girlfriends were holding their adorable babies, I was holding a wine glass with Sauvignon Blanc.  And I literally laughed out loud.  I was really okay with it.

Then last week I came down with the worse Flu.  I was bedridden.  Last year when I got sick I lamented the fact that I was single and had to go to the store to pick up my meds and chicken noodle soup myself.  This year, I decided to reach out and say I need some help.  My various girlfriends brought me soup, tea, honey, meds and anything I needed they were there.  I wasn’t afraid to reach out and say, “I need to be taken care of!”

Then finally for the first year ever, I spent Thanksgiving here in LA.  I made a conscious choice to put me and my relaxation first rather than braving it through the crazy ass airports and the cold ass snow of the East coast.  Typically I spend the holidays doing so much travel between the two coasts by the time January comes and everyone else is feeling refreshed and renewed.  My ass is exhausted and grouchy!  Luckily my family understood.  After all, I will see them in a few weeks for Christmas.  And instead of dreading the trip back home I am actually looking forward to it.  I spent Thanksgiving with my girlfriend and her fiance and then spent the rest of the Holiday in my own home, watching Netflix, hanging out with friends, and using Blackout Friday to decorate my house for Christmas.  It was awesome!  I felt so grown and so liberated to spend the Holidays on my own terms.

I realized how wonderful it is to be single.  I can go and see my friends’ children, love on them, and then come home to peace and quiet, I can make the decision to come and go as I please.  I can spend the Holidays the way I want to.  When you think about it, being single is really a small moment in time when you look at the grand scheme of things.  And I am finally at a point when I am enjoying it.  There will come a time in my life when I will transition to out of Singledom and be a part of a “we” and have my own little babies running around.  But right now, I am enjoying my “Me” moment in time.  I find it liberating.

It seems now that I am in this place of pure contentment I am noticing how the Holidays have a way of really fucking with single folks.  If you are not armed and prepared or if you are having a melancholy single moment (which we all have) you can find yourself buying into the hype and become depressed over the Holidays.  And it is my due diligence to make sure my loyal readers do not become victim to the Single bashing/bullshit that comes with the Holiday season.  So with that you have been warned.  If you are not prepared you can subconsciously fall victim to the foolery of believing that being single during the Holiday season is a bad thing instead of embracing it.  Here is my Holiday warning list for my other members of Singledom:

 

Beware of the EHarmony, Match.com, Black People Meet, J Date, and all the other online dating marketing ploys.

Match Commercial

Beware of the EHarmony, Match.com, Black People Meet, J Date, and all the other online dating marketing ploys.

You’ll notice this is the time of year where the online dating commercials are in heavy rotation.  They offer free month trials.  They show happy couples dancing around with their wedding dates in small print.  Match.com’s latest commercials are a killer for us single folks!  This new ad campaign has a man who pretty much harasses single people in the street leading them to believe that if they do not sign up for match.com they will be doomed for the single life forever.  Get the fuck out of here!  If you happen to enjoy online dating, great for you.  I have plenty of friends who have met their significant other through this method of dating.  And I also believe you should be open to trying new things.  However, if that’s not your thing, you should not feel bad about it.  Or if you have tried online dating and it didn’t work for you these commercials can have you feeling like you are a loser.  “Why did it work for them, not me… What’s wrong with me!”  The devil is a liar!

Beware of those stupid ass holiday movies where women are desperate to have dates to weddings, family gatherings, etc. and pay men to pose as their boyfriend and.or fiance.

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Beware of those stupid ass holiday movies where a woman are desperate to have dates to weddings, family gatherings, etc. and pay men to pose as their boyfriend and.or fiancé.

 

I never understood the purpose of those movies.  It usual has the protagonist who is success, smart, gorgeous, but just can’t find a date to their sister’s wedding and they decide to pay off a man to pose as their date.  This perpetuates the idea that showing up to a family function single and by yourself is a bad thing.  Get the fuck out of here.  As we know, and as I say in almost every single post, meeting men is not hard.  There is no need to buy into that desperation.  And furthermore, is showing up to a family gathering as a confident single person really that damn bad?!  Ummmm… hell no.

 

Beware of the random text messages from Ghosts of Dates Past…

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Beware of the random text messages from Ghosts of Dates Past…

We have all experienced it.  The random text messages from a guy you went out with months ago, or an asshole ex boyfriend, or just some random.  Back in the day you would get what was obviously a group text that wasn’t personalized.  But these fools have gotten hip to the game and at least add your name to the end of that random:

Happy Thanksgiving…. Merry Christmas.

 Or some of them really personalize it.  I got a text from a random guy I went out years ago on Thanksgiving.  I was shocked.

Thinking of you here and there.  Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

My response…

Thank you.  Same to you.

Short, sweet, simple and to the point.  It left no room for him to go any further.  Don’t fall victim to the random text of men who have already showed their asses or haven’t proven themselves to be worthy of your time.  A random text message from a man who hasn’t bothered to reach out to you in months?  Ummmm…. I don’t think so.  There are 365 days in a year.  These calls and/or texts typically come when you’re feeling a little vulnerable.  And it’s easy to engage n the foolery.  But when a man has shown you who he really is.  You must believe him.  Do not fall into the trap of who he used to be, what you want him to be, or what you thought he was.  Go with his actions.  A random phone call/text on a Holiday when a man has been missing in action for months.  Well…. The writing is pretty much on the wall.

 

Beware of the fast forward thinking…. Stay in the present moment

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Beware of the fast forward thinking…. Stay in the present moment

It is easy to start fast forwarding to New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day and thinking about the possibility of being alone.  Trust me, I have been there.  As folks are making their New Year’s Eve plans you are suddenly aware that you could possibly be spending it single.  Or you think about spending yet another Valentine’s Day where cupid’s arrow took a detour and missed your heart.  IT’s okay and normal to have those human moments.  But try to live in the moment.  Today is December 1st.  A lot can happen in the next 30-45 days.  IF you lament on something that hasn’t happened you could miss the beauty of what is happening right in front of your eyes.  Trust me, I have been famous for fast forward thinking and missing out in the present moment.  But once you allow yourself to live in the moment you will find hidden gems you never noticed before.

 

Beware of the well meaning folks who will ask you about your love life…

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Beware of the well meaning folks who will ask you about your love life…

If you are a loyal reader to my blog, you know this used to drive me nuts!  I used to say the only time it is acceptable for someone to ask me:

So are you seeing anyone special… DO you have a boyfriend… Are you dating anyone

Is if it is followed by:

If not, I have a wonderful man I woud like you to meet.

I now recognize my annoyance of this question was due to my own insecurities about being single.  It’s actually an acceptable question to ask.  But it has taken me many years to recognize that and be in a place where I no longer want to haul off and smack someone for asking the question.  However, I suggest you have the Single’s version of the 2 minute elevator talk.  Have your one liner answer ready and available.  These comebacks have to be pleasant, non-irritable, and not leave any room for a follow up question.  It also has to give the appearance that you are open and not annoyed by the question.  Here are some of my favorites that have done the trick.

Question:  Do you have a boyfriend?

Answer:  Nope, but I’m accepting applications.

Question:  Are you dating anyone.

Answer:  I’m dating everyone

Question:  Are you seeing anyone special?

Answer:  Nope…  Specials is overrated…

Depending on how you feel or where you are in you single spectrum.  You can subtly change the subject.  Or you can blatantly ask someone if they know of anyone who you might vibe with.  Hell… it’s not a crime to let folks know you are single and open to meeting people.

Beware of feeling like you are the last woman standing…

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Beware of feeling like you are the last woman standing…

I have mastered the art of being the only single person at a dinner party.  It can be very easy to look around a room this time of year and feel like you are the last single woman on the planet.  Instead of feeling like an outsider, try to change you way of thinking about it.  Each of my friends who are married or coupled up in healthy, loving relationships, remind me that there is a such thing as happily ever after.  Being around people in healthy relationships is contagious.  It reminds you that what you are looking for in a mate is feasible and tangible.  As a matter of fact, I highly recommend you spend time around your favorite couples and soak in that great energy.

Last and not least, beware of feeling like being single is some type of disease…

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Last and not least, beware of feeling like being single is some type of disease…

What would happen if you actually started to enjoy this tie in your life?  What would happen if you recognized what a blessing it is to be able to spend time getting to know YOU and date YOU?  What if you recognized and acknowledged that you will NOT be single forever and there are great men out there who are actually looking for someone like YOU?  What if, you actually decided to spend this holiday in Singledom HAPPY and being okay with where you re in this present time?  Here’s the real deal, if you cannot enjoy being single and happy, how in the hell will you be able to enjoy being in a relationship?  IF you are not happy spending time with YOU how can you be happy with someone else.  Perhaps this is the time in your life where you really get to figure what make you happy and become whole so that when you meet your soul mate it is about two whole people coming together and building a life together.

At the end of the day, this Holiday could possibly be your last Holiday to be single so damn it,  enjoy it!

Monique K.Bradley

I can be found on: Facebook | Twitter | Google+        

 

 

 

Cocktails and Confessions

What happens when you get a group of single, married,  and divorced ladies together for some great wine and conversation about dating and relationships…  An amazing time.  Here are some pictures from my very first Cocktails and Confessions event.

For more more photos from this event, check out my Facebook Page and Like It:  https://www.facebook.com/ConfessionsOfASerialDaterInLa

Photos By: AhjeiNicole Photography

http://ahjeinicolephotography.zenfolio.com/p692630400

Password: confessions

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The creator and mastermind behind the hit blog Confessions of a Serial Dater in LA. #cocktailsandconfessions

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Event Location: Philippe in Beverly Hills

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Organization is key!

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Nothing like a nice glass of wine to get the discussion going.

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Me and some of my loyal readers. Priceless…

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Reading from the blog post. The Golden State

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The woman behind the blog…

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Talk Show coming soon…

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In my element…

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The Blues

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There are nice guys who work at the post office or garbage men who will treat you like a queen. But you are passing them up and not being open.

If you are successful, single and in your 30’s, you get used to “kind hearted” people making “suggestions” on what you should tweak, try, or compromise on when it comes to dating.  I used to get annoyed by the suggestions.  Well… I still do, but I have learned how to hide my annoyance and just smile and nod my head.  Seriously, at this stage of the game, I’m a marriage in, a divorce out, and I really think I know what I need and what I can and can’t compromise on.  However, it never fails, at some point you will hear someone say these words:

You should be more open.  You don’t necessarily have to date a guy who is an executive, who makes as much money as you do, or is just as successful as you do.  There are nice guys who work at the post office or garbage men who will treat you like a queen.  But you are passing them up and not being open. 

Now why in the fuck would I want to date a garbage man or a postal worker?  With all do respect, I appreciate the service garbage people do to keep our streets clean.  And I certainly love the postal workers who deliver me my checks in the mail.  But why in the fuck would I actively go out looking for someone who is blue collar when I am college educated, successful, driven, and bring a lot to the table?  I mean really?  Get the fuck out of here with that!  I am already hyped and digressing!  I used to feel the need to justify my needs and desires and try to make the person with that “suggestion” understand my view point.  Mind you the two times I recently heard this statement it came from the following two people at different times:

~A successful black executive man who is married to a white women.

~A stay at home mother of 3 whose husband is tall, fine, and a graduate of an Ivy League school.

Seriously, I can’t make this shit up!  I wanted to pummel both of them.  The man was a perfect example of an eligible black man who is off the market and married to a woman who isn’t black.  And for the stay at home mother of 3, why was she so comfortable telling me to let go of the idea that I can meet the kind of man she is married to?  Is it because I am now in my 30’s they believe I should just give up and date a man who is not up to my standards?  Especially when I was coming to the table with exactly what I was looking for.  I am not looking for a successful man to help me come up.  Hell, I am already up on my own.  I am looking for someone who at the very least is bringing to the table what I am bringing to the table.

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The man was a perfect example of an eligible black man who is off the market and married to a woman who isn’t black.

If you are a loyal reader to my blog, you’ll notice, like any other human being, I have many flaws.  I am not ashamed to admit that.  I can’t always pretend like I am some perfect person and I never fuck up or doubt myself.  And no I am not being self deprecating.  I am just being honest.  If you cannot identify your areas of weakness then how will you grow as a person?  One of my tragic flaws is second guessing what I need in a relationship.  Sometimes even I am guilty of believing that what I am looking for and desiring in a relationship is unrealistic.  And I fall victim to the Settling Bullshit game.

A few months ago I bought into the hype that I should lower my standards.  I decided to test out this theory of the blue collar guy who is not on my level and see if this idea of him “treating me like a queen” and “just not being open to all possibilities” was indeed true.  Now, before I get cussed out for being a bourgeois, high falutin biatch, let me explain what I mean by Blue Collar.  I am not referring to the amount of money a man makes or how many degrees he has or doesn’t have.  There are plenty of men who have BA’s, MBA’s, and PHd’s who do not make a lot of money.  For instance, a teacher or a social worker does not necessarily make $100K+ a year.  But they have a certain mentality that I can relate to and the amount of money the make or do not make is irrelevant.  Their day to day work load and/or responsibilities are relatable.  There are some men out there who do not have a college degree but they have great careers and do very well for themselves.  They might have their own business or be in real estate, etc.  Hell… I was talking to a friend of mine whose close friend he graduated with from the same college works at JcPenny’s as a sales associate.

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But why in the fuck would I actively go out looking for someone who is blue collar when I am college educated, successful, driven, and bring a lot to the table?

Once again, I will say this until I am Blue in the face.  (Pun intended).  Women who have their own shit together with or without the help of a man and have a great career are not gold diggers looking for a come up because they set a standard of the type of career their mate should have.  To expect a career woman to actively seek out the garbage man, UPS delivery guy, or cashier at the local grocery store, is downright insulting!  It’s one thing if this woman happens to fall in love with a man and he swept her off her feet.  If that is her story and she is happy.  Well damn it… good for her and the guy.

My short lived relationship with the Blue Collar guy ended just as quickly as it began.  He wasn’t local and when we would try to make plans to see each other, he had to wait for his schedule to come out.  Or if we wanted to go out of town, he had to submit for approval for his days off.  Between my travel schedule and him not having control of his schedule the relationship… and I use that term lightly fizzled out.  And let me be clear, he didn’t treat me like a queen or put me on a pedestal.  Let me take that back… In the beginning he went out of his way.  I was like, maybe there is something to what these fools tell me.  Maybe I haven’t been open and have cheated myself out of a great man.  But then he did what a lot of men do, he got comfortable once he thought he had me.  On a side note…There are some men who have a mindset that regardless of what they do black women will put up with their shit because of how the media depicts the “good black men” shortage.  Even SOME Blue Collar men have a certain amount of arrogance to them that is mind boggling and completely unwarranted.  There I go… digressing again.  My point was, between the Blue Collar guy’s arrogance and inflexible schedule I had reached my boiling point.  I tried to call him to let him know that I was over the shit and that the “relationship” had run its course.  This jackass refused to answer the phone and sent me a text…

I know we’re done.  No need for you to tell me why.  My schedule and your lifestyle aren’t compatible.  I hope we can remain cordial.

Really?!  What a punk cowardly move.  And what an understatement!  But at least he saved me the phone call.  And there was no need for us to remain cordial, or anything else.  I was DONE.  And you know my rule.  When I’m done, I’m done.  And then I beat myself up for going out with him in the first damn place.  At the end of the day, I knew we weren’t compatible.  And I had allowed my fear to dictate my actions, which is a HUGE mistake.

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I know we’re done. No need for you to tell me why. My schedule and your lifestyle aren’t compatible. I hope we can remain cordial.

This recent encounter made me think about people who try to push successful career women into relationships with men who aren’t on their level.  It’s interesting because we are almost made to feel bad about that expectation.  We are made to feel like we should just take whatever leftovers are handed to us and just beholding to be in a relationship.  THE DEVIL IS A LIAR!!!

Last weekend, I went to my college homecoming.  It had been many years since I walked the beautiful campus of Hampton University an HBCU (historically black college university) in Virginia.  And that’s when I had what Oprah Winfrey calls, “My Ah-ha!” moment.  I spent four years of my life at Hampton University surrounded by the crème de le crème of black society.  I was surrounded by people with like interests, desires, expectations, and determination.  I was surrounded by black men who were doing big things and planning lives that were far from just ordinary even as young college students.  I did not/ do not have any other frame of reference of settling for anything less because that was never an option. Returning to campus for my homecoming and seeing a lot the alumni from my Alma Mater who had brought their dreams to fruition motivated me.  And reminded me that there is no reason to settle and the kind of men I desire is out there.

Hampton University

Last weekend, I went to my college homecoming. It had been many years since I walked the beautiful campus of Hampton University…

Moving to LA it can be easy to think you need to lower your standards out of the fear you put in your mind of, “Oh shit!  What I am looking for is not attainable!  The type of man I am looking for is married, not attracted to black women, or doesn’t exist.” Also, if you are single in LA you know the men out here are a different bread.  They do not approach women and court them like most men in other parts of the country.  The exception is usually men who are not from here, or if they are from here they spent time away and return with some damn sense.  And no, this is not a bitter bitch rant.  I believe there are good men out there and I never want to come off like a “man hater.” I can only speak form my own experiences.

Going back to my college, lovingly referred to by our Alumni as our  “Home by the sea” reinvigorated me and reminded me that if I am patient and continue to believe and not settle I can have what I am looking for.  In the meantime, I will enjoy my life just as it is and grow my own empire.  So when I finally meet my soul mate it will be the merging of two kingdoms and not the merging of a servant and a queen!  Just sayin’!

Monique K.Bradley

I can be found on: Facebook | Twitter | Google+        

 

 

 

Please join me for Cocktails and Confessions!

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Save the Date- Cocktails and Confessions Tuesday, November 18th, 2014!

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Scrambled or Sunny-side Up?

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“But you’re 37 years old. The only way you could have kids is through scientific technology. You’re too old to have them naturally.”

I know I said I was taking a dating break.  That lasted for an entire 2 ½ weeks.  What can I say?  I’m a sucker.  You can’t keep a sistah down for the count for too damn long!  LOL!  And I didn’t go looking for a date.  It just crept up on me.  I was having a late night in the office last week and to my surprise I got a phone call from “Joseph.”  I met “Joseph months ago at a Grammy Event.  I didn’t really think much of it when I gave him my business card.  I was networking and we happened to be standing next to each other at the bar and he struck up a conversation.  Did I mention the Grammy’s were in February?  It is now October.  So we are talking a good eight months later!  Eight fucking months and he just decided to call?!  Really?

Joseph:  I know you probably don’t remember me.  We met at that Grammy event a while back.

Me:  I remember you.  How have you been?

Joseph:  I’ve been great.  How about you?

Me:  Since I last saw you, I got married, had 2.5 children…

Joseph:  I know it’s been a while and I was taking a chance calling you.  I was working on finishing up my doctorate and I just graduated a few weeks ago and now have more time on my hands.

Me:  Congratulations.

Joseph:  Thank you.  Are you busy this weekend?

I knew I had decided to take a break.  But I was slightly intrigued and even more so bored.  I needed to get back in the dating scene to hone my skills.  It’s easy to get rusty if you don’t get out there for too long.  From what I remember “Joseph” was a decent looking guy.  And we shared a mutual friend so he came with references.

Me:  I’m free Sunday afternoon.

Joseph:  Okay.  Cool.  I’ll text you a spot Sunday morning for us to meet up.  Let’s say 2pm?

Me:  See you then.

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I didn’t really think much of it when I gave him my business card. I was networking and we happened to be standing next to each other at the bar and he struck up a conversation.

On Sunday I found myself pulling up to Mi Piace in Old Pasadena.  And there was “Joseph.”  He was a little older than I remembered… actually A LOT older.  Now anyone who is a loyal reader to my blog knows I have a tendency to date men who are slightly older than me.  I just like a man with a little bit of experience and salt and pepper hair around the temples.  But I recently came to the conclusion that 47 which is ten years older than me is my age limit.  Looking at “Joseph” he had to be a good 50 years old!  A handsome 50 years old, but definitely older.  I was suddenly relieved it was an afternoon date.  I could easily be in and out.

He pulled out my chair for me… you know men who are older are old school gentleman.  That was a plus.  I immediately started thinking about women I knew in the late 40’s/early 50’s that I could hook him up with.  I ordered a glass of Sauvignon Blanc and the conversation ensued.  “Joseph” was a father of 3 boys.  His oldest son was 32 years old.  Yep…I said it… 32 years old…also known as 5 years younger than me.  He had 2 granddaughters.  And come to find out “Joseph” was 53 years old!  And since he had just gotten his doctorate in Spiritual Philosophy he was the “authority” on every topic under the sun.  He talked about his life story growing up in the projects and making his way out to become a successful Scientist.  His life story was quite interesting.  I was impressed and moved by his story.  But it was a LONG story considering there were five decades to cover.

Then we got on the topic of religion.  I could have sworn religion and politics were two topics to avoid on a first date.  I could appreciate that he considered himself to be spiritual and not religious.  I had major issues with “religious” judgmental, hypocritical people.  I had experienced being part of a church first family and heard how they spoke about their congregants and preached one thing and lived a completely different way Monday-Saturday.  I knew I could never be in another situation like that.  Don’t get me wrong, it is important that my man is Christian but I also know it was equally important he was a spiritual person not a dogmatic religious type.  There I go digressing…

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I started doing what I normally did when I tuned out. I started thinking about my grocery list for the week, what color I was going to paint my room, my outfits for my upcoming homecoming weekend at my Alma Matter.

My point was, “Joseph” went on a long diatribe about… well I don’t remember exactly what it was about because I tuned out after the first 6 minutes of the his monologue.  I started doing what I normally did when I tuned out.  I started thinking about my grocery list for the week, what color I was going to paint my room, my outfits for my upcoming homecoming weekend at my Alma Matter.  I didn’t realize I had completely tuned out until “Joseph” chimed in.

Joseph:  Did you want to order dessert?

Me:  Oh no.  I am full.  Besides today isn’t my cheat day.

Joseph:  Cheat day?

ME:  Yeah.  I try to watch what I eat.  I look forward to the day when I don’t have to think about it.

Joseph:  When would that be?

Me: Probably when I’m pregnant.  I won’t eat like crazy but at least I won’t have to worry about sucking in.

This was a conversation I would normally NEVER have with a man I was interested in.  But since I had already decided I was putting “Joseph” in the friend category I wasn’t concerned about impressing him.  Also, I knew since he had grandkids already he certainly wasn’t interested in having any more children.  It was my easy way out.

Joseph:  You want kids?

Me:  Of course!  I can’t wait to be a mom one day.

Joseph:  How many?

MeProbably two.

Joseph:  But you’re 37 years old.  The only way you could have kids is through scientific technology.  You’re too old to have them naturally.

Me:  Excuse me?

Joseph:  I’m just stating the scientific facts.  You’re up there in age and you probably will have to go the IVF route to have kids.  You don’t have many viable eggs left.

Me:  That’s not true.  What are you talking about?

Joseph:  It is true. It’s just science.  Each year you are losing eggs.  And the eggs you have are probably not good eggs. Women who have kids at your age go have to go to fertility specialist.  I guess I have to think about whether or not I want more kids if I am going to date you.

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I recently had the reassurance that I in fact had a young uterus and plenty of healthy eggs. So my baby making days weren’t behind me. As a matter of fact I knew I had some time on the clock. I was relieved. It was nice to know my clock and my ambitions were on the same page.

I couldn’t believe this guy!  I couldn’t believe he actually said that with a straight face.  I realized I was out with the guy who thought he knew everything because he had just gotten his doctorate!  Perhaps this was the bullshit he fed to insecure woman so he could convince them not to have any more kids.  I had to remind myself “Joseph” and I shared a mutual friend.  So I didn’t want to go off on him and risk putting our friend in an awkward situation.  I also knew I would more than likely run into him again and I didn’t want shit to get weird.  That’s the highs and lows of dating someone where you both share a mutual friend.  If shit works out GREAT, but if not, you have to be cognizant of all parties involved.  This was part of my dating growth.  Back in my heyday, I wouldn’t have given a damn.  I would have walked the fuck out and kept it moving.  But now that I was wiser and had more dating “maturity” (I say that sarcastically) I was doing things different.

Me:  Well, Joseph.  I think you’re a nice guy.  But I think you and I are at two different places in life.  You are winding down and I am just beginning to enter a certain stage of my life that you have obviously graduated from.

I know that was a settle Read.  What can I say?  My old bitch habits are hard to shake.

Joseph:  You’re probably right.

Me:  But thanks for a great lunch.  And I will see you around.

He stood up and gave me a hug.  And a walked out of the restaurant and got in my car.

I could have fallen for this settle manipulation and general overall ignorance.  As a matter of fact, to be perfectly honest, although I know I want kids eventually, I am enjoying my life right now.  For me, I can’t even think about having children until I meet the man who will ultimately be my husband.  That’s my personal choice and I do not knock women who decide to do it on their own.  That is their personal choice.  I thank God every single day I did not have children with my ex-husband.  My guardian angels were looking out for me!  I was grateful I would have my future children with the right man… my soul mate.

In recent years, I have been around women where it has been difficult for them to conceive.  I see the pain in their eyes and the heartache of the uncertainty of knowing if they will one day experience what it is like to rub their pregnant bellies and give birth to their biological children.  And these are women who would make amazing mothers.  And it is pretty fucking scary thought.   Ironically, we spend most of our 20’s avoiding getting pregnant.  And being “responsible” and taking the necessary precautions to make sure we do not “slip” up.   And then when you are ready.  You want it to happen immediately.  And for some people it ain’t easy.  And that is so unfortunate.

black-baby

Don’t get me wrong, there does come a point in a woman’s life where they do need to consider their birthing/motherhood options. Time stops for no one.

I recently had the reassurance that I in fact had a young uterus and plenty of healthy eggs.  So my baby making days weren’t behind me.  As a matter of fact I knew I had some time on the clock.  I was relieved.  It was nice to know my clock and my ambitions were on the same page.  And suddenly the sun was shining brighter and a wave of calm came over me.  I was one of the lucky ones.

However, “Joseph’s” statement had my brain scrambled.  Is this the new thing some men are doing?  Making women feel insecure about their child bearing years?  Is this why so many women of a certain age start freaking out about their biological clock and then make bad dating decisions based on the fear that their time is running out?  Now that I am a certain age why were certain people attempting to make my biological clock tick faster than it needed to?  Why did I feel the need to fit into someone else’s box.  Before I got the reassuring news of my fertility, I was freaking out.  Although my life is great where it is, I had begun to think about the future.  The “what ifs” the “Worse case scenarios” the “Oh shit, time is ticking.”

biological-clock

Is this why so many women of a certain age start freaking out about their biological clock and then make bad dating decisions based on the fear that their time is running out? Now that I am a certain age why were certain people attempting to make my biological clock tick faster than it needed to?

Thank goodness I knew I was okay.  And why wouldn’t I be?  When I thought about it, women like Halle Berry, Kim Fields, Mariah Carey, Jennifer Lopez, Nia Long, Celene Dion, Tina Fey, Salma Hayek, Nicole Kidman, and Madonna had given birth to their own biological children in their 40’s!  And let’s take this to real life non celebrities.  My mentor gave birth to her first child when she was 43 years old.  So why was I allowing other’s people’s issues and biological clocks to effective my view of my own baby making years?

halle pregnant

Thank goodness I knew I was okay. And why wouldn’t I be? When I thought about it, women like Halle Berry, Kim Fields, Mariah Carey, Jennifer Lopez, Nia Long, Celene Dion, Tina Fey, Salma Hayek, Nicole Kidman, and Madonna had given birth to their own biological children in their 40’s!

Being single and in your 30’s is fun, exhilarating, and freeing, but it is also stressful and can really knock you down at times.  We have enough to worry about so why put extra shit on our plates worrying about the biological clock?  I realized there are so many women out there who have allowed this worry and concern to dominate how they approach dating where it isn’t even fun anymore because they are dating out of desperation instead of enjoyment.  And I believe some men perpetuate this insecurity by making dumb ass statements similar to “Joseph’s”.  And we actually believe that shit and are buying into the foolery.

black-mom-baby

I can’t wait to be a mom one day!

Don’t get me wrong, there does come a point in a woman’s life where they do need to consider their birthing/motherhood options.  Time stops for no one.  And it is a reality that women of a certain age have to deal with.  But cross that bridge when you get to it!  In the meantime do NOT let anyone dictate your clock.  And by all means do not let your fear of the unknown push you into dating desperation.  Think back to how it was when you were dating in your 20’s.  There was a certain amount of freedom you had because you knew you had options.  If you saw shit that wasn’t right, you kept it moving.  Why does that have to change when you hit your 30’s?  Why do you suddenly feel the need to settle for some bullshit because you are scared you won’t get shit?  IT’s time to reclaim your own timing and remember who you are and what you are bringing to the table.  All will work itself out.  Just allow yourself to enjoy the process and date freely without fear.  After all, that’s the beauty of dating in your 30’s in up.  Been there, done that, learned the lesson, and are fully open to the journey.

Monique K.Bradley

I can be found on: Facebook | Twitter | Google+        

 

That’s the Breaks!

Black Couple Kissing

My goodness, the man who ends up worthy enough to truly experience my love is going to be one happy man!

She’s baaaaack!  It feels good to come out of the dating darkness into the light and feel hopefulness again.  I try to learn a lesson with each dating experience I have.  So what did my last dating experience teach me?  Well… Hmmmm… I learned that I can still feel for someone and get excited about a potential relationship.  I learned that it’s okay to take a chance and let your walls down.  Although the potential relationship turned out sour as a lemon I can make Lemonade knowing that the part of me that wants to give love is still alive and well.  My goodness, the man who ends up worthy enough to truly experience that from me is going to be one happy man!  And I’m actually excited about giving my love to someone worthy.  I promised myself that I would not let this experience take away from my true soul mate.  There I go digressing…

Most importantly I learned as much as I am open for a relationship and excited about the possibility of forever with someone.  Being by myself and happy is far better than being in a relationship where someone isn’t honoring who I am and where my needs aren’t being fulfilled.  I could have stayed married if I thought that was all I could get.  There are MAJOR benefits to being single and happy than settling for some bullshit!  I am once again embracing my Singledom and enjoying dating myself again.   I have made the conscious choice to take a dating break for a while until I meet someone worthwhile to change that.  And I am not doing the bitter woman bitch rant,  “I don’t need a man.”  Hell, we all need men.  And there is nothing wrong with saying that.  That doesn’t make you any less of a woman or any less independent.  I am simply enjoying Me while I wait for the right WE circumstance.

Perhaps I am not the only person who has decided to go on a dating break.  Well, maybe I shouldn’t call it a dating break, but instead I will call it taking a self discovery moment.  Here’s how I am spending my time:

 

© Copyright 2010 CorbisCorporation

Taking ME out on fabulous dates…

Taking ME out on fabulous dates.  Once a week I have vowed to take myself to a nice restaurant or try a new wine at a great bar and enjoy sitting there by myself.  And when I say sitting by myself, that doesn’t mean distracting myself with my iPad or going through Facebook and Instagram on my iPhone.  Nope!  I am staying in the moment and just enjoying being out by myself.  I have said this before, if you can’t date yourself how in the world are you going to know how to date someone else?!

 

Vision_board

Revise Vision Board

Revising my vision board. I realized I hadn’t updated my vision board since 2012.  A lot has changed n the last 2 years.  My needs, wants, and desires have grown into something bigger and more specific.  So I am taking the time to focus on the board and not rush through it.  Each night this week I have dedicated to spending time in my meditation room updating my vision board.

 

Notepad

Revise list on what you’re looking for in a relationship

Revise your list of what you are looking for in a relationship. I guess that could also be part of your vision board.

 

Red Carpet

Refocus your energy on passion projects

Refocus on my passion projects. My friends have been informed I am no longer available weekend days because I am focusing all of my energy on my passion projects.  (more to come on that)

 

married couple

Spend time with happily married couples

Spend time around happily married couples and people who are in loving new relationships. There is something so precious about being around a couple who is passionately in love with each other and experiencing the highs of new found love.  And there is also something endearing about being around married couples who are still friends with each other and have a solid foundation.  It’s important to surround yourself around what you are ultimately looking for.  It lets you know it’s possible. And it’s always nice to see it in action as a reminder.

 

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Spend time with loved ones

Spend time bonding with loved ones. Whether it’s a random phone call, having them over for dinner, or sending them a card.  Reach out to family members.  It’s easy to get lost in this shuffle we call life.  One of my favorite quotes, “Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you will look back and realize they were big things.”

 

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Enjoy your ME time

Last and certainly not least enjoy your ME time. There is something so wonderful about coming home to peace and quiet, blasting Bravo TV, walking around your house in the nude, eating breakfast for dinner, sleeping in the middle of the bed, and coming and going as you please, and living your life on your own terms.  That doesn’t mean you don’t want a relationship, but there is something to be said about having time to yourself and enjoying it.

Even a self proclaimed serial dater has to decide to wait on what’s right instead of spending time I will never get back.  It’s time to get back to the basics.  Don’t worry; I have an entire dating rolodex I can reach into for tales of foolery from past dates.  But for now, this Serial Dater in taking a much needed dating break!
Monique K.Bradley

I can be found on: Facebook | Twitter | Google+        

 

The Yo-Yo Effect

Yo-Yo

The problem with the emotionally unavailable man is the Emotional Yo-Yo effect that occurs.

My loyal readers know, I do not discuss who I am currently dating.  I do this for several reasons:

Reason Number One:  If he happens to be a little nosey and decide to read my blog I do not want him to know I have written about the details of our relationship. And go running for the hills.  I already acknowledge it takes a special kind of a man with extra confidence and security to consider dating a woman who writes a relationship blog.  It actually takes a lot of courage!  I have often wrestled with the decision to keep going with the blog or shut the site down because I worry that it could scare my potential soul mate off.  But then I realize the man who I end up with is going to have to understand writing is my passion and this blog is the starting point of something greater (big things are coming to fruition!).  On a side note, I am looking forward to the day I can rename this blog Confessions of a FORMER Serial Dater in LA.  I can’t wait to annoy my readers with stories about my MAN!  And how wonderful he is!  Seriously, that will make an even better blog.  But until that day happens I will continue to write about my dating foolery on my journey to meet him.  There I go digressing….

Reason Number Two:  There are some things I believe in reserving for my intimate circle of friends. And to my loyal readers- don’t take offense to this.  I pour out my heart and soul to you on these posts.  But there are some things I do not want floating in cyber space.  Some things should be reserved for private conversations.

Reason Number Three:  If things work out with me and the guy there are certain things about our relationship that will be left between just the two of us. You’ve seen it before, and I have longed for it for years, those couples that have a secret language that just the two of them speak, things that only the two of them know. How can you create that when you are telling every single detail to the world.

Black-woman-using-computer

When people find out that I write a dating blog one of the first questions I get is, “Do you let the guys know you write a blog?”

When people find out that I write a dating blog one of the first questions I get is, “Do you let the guys know you write a blog?”  This question is usually asked one of two ways 1) in utter fascination and excitement or 2) complete and total disgust.  I get it, folks either think I am brilliant or an absolute fool to write so candidly about dates.  Again, this all comes with the territory of being a dating blogger.  I usually tell a man by the first or second date that I am a dating blogger.  As my loyal readers know, it is very rare I actually give a guy a second date because I know by the first date if I see it going anywhere.  Or they show their ass so badly on the first date I rather pluck my eyebrows out one by one than go out with them again.  I am at a point in my life where I am DWP (dating with purpose).  I refuse to waste my time on fools.  So if I give a guy a second date, then I like to let him know about the blog.  Besides, if they Google me there I am in full color with the link to my blog!  Go figure!  I don’t make it a big deal.  It’s very matter of fact.  Usually, when you’re getting to know someone the topic of hobbies and passion projects will always come up.  So typically here’s how the conversation will go:

Guy:  What do you like to do outside of work?

Me:  Well, I write a dating blog?

Guy: (head tilt) Really?

Me:  It’s kind of like Sex and the City Meets LA from an African American female perspective.

Guy:  Interesting… You’re not going to write about me are you?

Me:  Don’t give me anything to write about! 

It’s short and simple and to the point.  And it’s honest.  This very conversation came up with a guy I was dating.  But he asked that I not write about him in the blog (there was an entire back story to how it came up in conversation but I won’t even comment on that hater).  And I gave him my word that regardless of what happened with us, I would not write about him in my blog.  And I am a woman of my word.  Since I promised him that I wouldn’t write about him I have to honor my word.  Not because I give a shit about him but because I believe in being a woman of my word.  However, I didn’t say I wouldn’t write about what I personally learned from the experience.

And with that I bring to you today’s #MondayMemo.  The timing of this question/topic from my loyal reader came at the perfect time.  And since I am officially back to 100% after being the in depths of a dating depression I figured I would clue my readers on what was going on with me since one of my followers was having a similar experience.  You are not alone ladies… You are not alone!!!

What about emotionally unavailable men?  Guys that go from one relationship to another looking for something to fill a void in their lives that they never will an hurting people in the process…

That’s a hard one.  The problem with the emotionally unavailable man is the Emotional Yo-Yo effect that occurs.  Things start off great.  He is doing everything and anything it takes to be with you.  The phone calls are endless.  There is a connection: mental, emotional, physical, etc.  You start feeling things you have never felt before.  You start to let your wall down and really allow yourself to let someone in.  And for a lot of us 30 something women it’s a feeling that we haven’t experienced in a long time.  And finally you let the wall down.  You decide to go with it.  You’re tired of testing out how cold the water is with your big toe and you decide to go ahead, take a chance and jump in and then that’s when it happens.  He pulls back, the calls start become less often.  You feel the distance.  It is palpable.  All of those amazing texts you were getting lessen.  The amount of time you were spending together dwindles and then you go into full panic mode.  You call your girlfriends and they are all trying to talk you off the ledge and figure out what going on.  SO the tactic you resort to is to pull back as well.  The second you pull back and mimic his behavior, then the phone calls start again and the interest is heightened and then you feel like you have reached a mutual ground.  You think to yourself, “I was tripping.  I was clearly over reacting.  We ARE on the same page after all.  How could I have doubted this man?”  So you let your guards down and then a few weeks later the same think happens.  He starts acting strange.  This time you decide I’m a grown ass woman.  Why should I reach out to friends when I can contact the source directly?  So you have a grown woman conversation…

couple-talking1

You decide I’m a grown ass woman. Why should I reach out to friends when I can contact the source directly? So you have a grown woman conversation…

You:  Is everything cool?

Him:  Of course.  Why do you ask?

You:  I just sense that you are detaching.  Just want to make sure all is well and we are still on the same page. 

Him:  Of course.

So you let it go and pull back a little and the same thing keeps happening.  You pull back he returns you push forward he runs.

Does this scenario sound familiar?  If you are a single woman in your 30’s… Actually even if you are now married this scenario should sound familiar.  It’s happened to the best of us when dating.  However, we each have a choice.  At this age you know when you are in a situation with an emotionally unavailable man.  However, knowledge is power and experience is the strength.  When you see this happening and feel it and you have tried and you are still getting the Yo-Yo effect that’s when you know it’s time to roll.  I know it’s hard because feelings are there.  But you can NOT waste your time and pretty on a man who just doesn’t have the emotionally capacity to handle it.  It doesn’t make him an asshole… well actually it does.  But you have the choice to leave the situation.

I know women who have put up with this shit for YEARS.  As much as I love Sex and the City it has given women a false hope that their personal “Mr. Big” will eventually change his mind and they will end up together.  Don’t forget, Carrie waited 10 years for Mr. Big. 10 fucking years!  She went through him marrying someone else, having an affair with her, standing her up at the alter, and years of the Yo-Yo effect before he finally decided to marry her.  Ain’t nobody got time for that!  So my advice when you are dealing with the Emotionally Unavailable man is to run run run as fast as you can!  Don’t subscribe t the idea that you won’t meet anybody else where you “have that same chemistry.”  Don’t hold on thinking he will change.\

Carrie-and-Big-carrie-and-big-603718_445_300

As much as I love Sex and the City it has given women a false hope that their personal “Mr. Big” will eventually change his mind and they will end up together.

Furthermore, when you do decide to move on, make it a clean break.  Do NOT under any circumstances remain friends with him.  That’s a trap!  You will find yourself still talking to him and possibly being intimate with him and that hope will return and you will be right back at square one.  My typical break up rule is when I decide to be done with a man I am done.  He doesn’t get the added benefit of us being friends.

Lastly, if you find yourself in this situation, don’t beat up on yourself for decisions you have made.  WE have ALL been there.  The difference is the amount of time we have spent in that Yo-Yo cycle.  You must believe that the right guy is out there for you.  You also can not hold back with the next man because of what the emotionally unavailable man did or didn’t do.  Don’t let the current guy pay for the past asshole’s mistakes.  I know I sounded pessimistic and hopeless over my last few blogs.  Dating can sometimes get the best of us.  And I know it can get so tiring hoping and wishing for something and getting nothing in return.  But dealing with a man who doesn’t have the emotional capacity to honor who you are is a red flag and you are worth so much more.  Time to cut that string and let the Yo-Yo fall into the ditch!

 

Sofa Fillers

Woman sitting at cocktail party with boyfriend

But then… as usual… he started showing his ass! Why oh why can’t it ever be easy?!

In the last few weeks I had met someone and I was enjoying dating him.  He was handsome, tall, had a great personality, and the chemistry was off the charts (post coming soon).  But then… as usual… he started showing his ass!  Why oh why can’t it ever be easy?!  And why oh why was I so damn emotional about it?!  He sent me into a dating depression!   I began getting mad at myself for giving a shit and being so upset about the whole thing.  Then I realized my upset really had nothing to do with him.  It was my own personal former demons resurfacing.  But am I the only single gal who every once in a while gets so damn tired of being hopeful just to get nothing in return?!  Anyway I digressed I already!!!

frustrated black woman

I began getting mad at myself for giving a shit and being so upset about the whole thing. Then I realized my upset really had nothing to do with him. It was my own personal former demons resurfacing. But am I the only single gal who every once in a while gets so damn tired of being hopeful just to get nothing in return?!

I realized I had done something I hadn’t done in a long ass time.  In my hopefulness and excitement I put all my eggs in one basket.  It had been a while since I had met someone I was genuinely excited about.  And to be completely transparent I really wasn’t interested in seeing anyone else!  What the fuck?  Who was this girl?  I thought I was the Tin Woman who didn’t have a heart.  I thought I had to take a trip to Oz to find one.  But suddenly I was dating a man who was making me feel things I hadn’t felt since… well… I won’t even waste my time comparing him to anything or anyone else from the past.

tin man

Who was this girl? I thought I was the Tin Woman who didn’t have a heart. I thought I had to take a trip to Oz to find one.

 

So when he started acting like an allusive asshole that was emotionally disconnecting.  I went back to my old ways and decided to go out with someone else.  Afterall, we hadn’t had the official talk about not seeing other people.  I could only surmise his recent stupidity had to be associated to 1 of 3 things:

  • He was seeing other people and his wasn’t dong a great job juggling
  • He was starting to catch feelings and was disconnecting to figure out what he wanted to do
  • What I thought we had was an illusion I created in my own mind

Whatever the case was, I knew I needed to distract myself, if for nothing else just to maintain my sanity.  For all you nosey men out here, you see what happens when you do not communicate?  Us women go into a mental frenzy and begin to think the worse.  But I have never been a bitch to sit by the phone waiting and pouting.  I wasn’t about to waste my good years on a fool that hadn’t proved himself to be worthy.  And hell I still had it!  I was tired of sitting around being pathetic and reading Iyanla VanZant books.  And I would NOT allow myself to be in a dating depression for too long.

So I gave “Lonnie” a call.  I had been blowing him off for weeks because I was busy thinking I was actually falling for someone.  And I was tired of moping around.  “Lonnie” and I met through a popular dating app(I’ll write a separate post on that as well).  After swiping right and realizing we were a match he immediately started a conversation.  “Lonnie” was a 42 year old, divorced father of two.  He was originally from North Carolina, which was a plus.  You now I do not date men born and raised in LA.  Been there done that!  We quickly exchanged numbers and he called me 10 minutes later.  He wasn’t playing around!  It’s funny how when you’re really not into someone you could care less about what you say or what you do.  There is no pressure because you really don’t give a shit.  Immediately “Lonnie” started asking me questions about my marriage.

How long were you married?

What did you learn from the marriage? 

What were the major issues?

I felt interrogated.  There was once a time shortly after my divorce where I enjoyed conversations like this.  I thought it brought me and the guy closer because we were able to bond over the experience.

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I felt interrogated. There was once a time shortly after my divorce where I enjoyed conversations like this. I thought it brought me and the guy closer because we were able to bond over the experience.

 

But now in my dating these are topics of conversation that I reserve for much later in the relationship.  But there is an unspoken language between two divorcees.  It’s says:

We made it through the storm.  We are still alive.  And so much better for the experience….

But I wasn’t really ready to discuss the storm with “Lonnie.”

Me:  Hold up Lonnie.  I definitely would love to talk about our battles stories, but can we meet for a drink first?

Lonnie:  I’m sorry.  I know I can be very inquisitive.  I actually don’t drink….

Oh boy… another 40+ something that doesn’t drink.  What the fuck?!  I was tempted to hang up on him then and there.  But I had recently made some tweaks to my criteria.  Besides, as long a he didn’t judge my drinking I would give him a try.  And a girlfriend of mine who is now married told me when she first met her husband he wasn’t a drinker because he just didn’t like the taste of alcohol.  But while they were on vacation after dating for a few months, he tried a mixed drink he liked and now he enjoyed having cocktails with her.  So I was willing to be patient.  Maybe I could be a bad influence on him!  MY goodness… I am such a mess!

Lonnie:  What are you up to this weekend?  I’ll have my kids Saturday night.  But maybe we can meet for Jamba Juice in the afternoon.

Jamba Juice?  Huh?  But I gave him the benefit of the doubt.  After all, when dealing with a dating app you have to meet up with someone for a meet up to make sure they actually look like their picture.  For all I know, “Lonnie” could be 300 pounds.  He did breath kind of heavy on the phone.  I’m not sure if it was because he was a big guy or perhaps he had asthma.  He looked good in his pictures in the dating app.  He told me he was 6’5 and you know that’s always a selling point.  I had tentative plans Saturday night with the fool I was dating  so this would be a great distraction.

Me:  Sure Lonnie.  I’ll meet you at Jamba Juice.

That Saturday I found myself walking up to the Jamba Juice.  My mind was distracted though.  The other guy was heavily on my mind.  What the hell is MY problem?!  I walked into Jamba Juice and to my surprise “Lonnie” was a very hansdsome guy.  He was 6’5.  He was in great shape.  He had a nice after 5 shadow beard and a great smile.  OKAY!  Thank goodness he not only looked like the pictures he put on the dating app but BETTER!  I gave him a hug.  And we ordered out drinks.  I chose to ignore his two for one coupon he used to buy our drinks.  After all, this was simply a meet up.  I am not one who is used to these dating app meet ups so I didn’t want to judge.  He was simply a “filler” date; someone to occupy my time so I wasn’t putting all my eggs in one basket with the fool I really liked.

We walked outside in the blazing sun and found a bench to sit on in the shade and talk.  He seemed cool. But the chemistry wasn’t there.  To be honest my mind was pre-occupied.  Maybe this was a sign that I really liked the other guy.  Or perhaps it was a sign that I just do not know what the hell I want.  But I was able to ascertain “Lonnie” was a little cheap.  We talked about those new movie theatres where you can order dinner and drinks during the movie.

Lonnie:  Those can get expensive!  You end up spending over $100!

Me:  Well when you think about it.  You can end up spending over $100 just on dinner.  SO that’s not bad for dinner and a movie.

I saw his eyes flutter.  And then I remembered this was a man who used a two for one coupon to buy Jamba Juice.  The conversation was okay.  There weren’t fireworks.  IT wasn’t bad.  IT was just beige.  After an hour and a half I told him my meter was running out.  I gave him a hug and he said he wanted to take me out on an official date now that we had a chance to meet in person.  I reluctantly said okay.  We made plans to go out the following weekend.

“Lonnie” called me on Friday night around 9pm.  At the time I was sitting on my couch relaxing having a glass of wine after a long week.

Lonnie:  Hey Monique!  How are you?

Me:  I’m great!  How are you?

Lonnie:  I’m good.  What are you up to tonight?  I was calling to see if you wanted to go dancing?

Me:  Tonight?

Lonnie:  Yeah. 

I wanted to be like, “Ummmmm…. Really fool?!  IT’s 9:30 and you’re just now calling me to go out tonight?”  But I decided not to go the bitchy route.

Me:  Tonight isn’t goingto work.  But I am free tomorrow.  I know you said you wanted to do something this weekend.

Lonnie:  It looks like I’m going to Vegas tomorrow.

ME:  Okay.  Well have fun.

Lonnie:  I’ll call you when I get back so we can get together.

Me:  okay.

Sunday morning rolled around and I got a txt message from Lonnie.

Hey Monique!  I’m just getting back from Vegas.  I’m at home relaxing.  The football game is coming on today.  I would love to have you chill with me on my sofa.  But I am not sure if we are at that level yet if things lead to something else.

WHAT THE FUCK!  I re-read the message three times.  I types a few rough draft text cussing his ass out for the assumption.  Did this man really think I was going to come to his house after a meet up date over two for one Jamba juices?!  But I took a deep breath.  After all, I understand for men that are divorced after long term marriages, they might not know the rules of dating.  I really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.  So I decided on a settle approach of say FUCK NO!

Hi Lonnie.  Glad you had a safe trip.  I would never want to come between a man and his football!  And one day we might be at the point for me to relax on your sofa.  But for now, lets take a rain check and do something another time.  Enjoy the game!

Sofa

There are plenty of women that went to that sofa and hung out with him and had no qualms about it. That’s why he was so comfortable asking.

I didn’t hear back from “Lonnie” over the next few days.  And th other guy was showing his ass.  So I decided to be proactive and reach out to Lonnie and see what he was up to.

Hey Monique!  Glad you reached out.  I have my kids this evening but you are more than welcome to come through around 9:30.  There a great documentary on.  We he can hang out on my sofa.

Okay.  Okay.  I wasn’t sure if “Lonnie” was stupid or retarded.  But either way he was an idiot.  SO instead of sending him a text I decided to call him.  I mean really.  I am not trying to meet his kids yet.  I am so sensitive to meeting a man’s kids.  I personally feel like before a woman meets your kids, out of respect to the mother of those children, I would want to introduce myself to her first.  IT’s not like I’m asking permission from the woman.  But I believe any woman would want to know who is around her kids.  And not some random that the guy just met!  Why wasn’t he thinking about that and what the fuck was it with his damn sofa?!  IT must be extraordinary.  But there was something about “Lonnie.”  I didn’t want to write him off just yet.  Maybe I felt guilty because I brushed him on our initial meet up.  I could admit I didn’t give him a chance because I was focused on the other guy who was showing his ass.  But one thing I am learning to do after all of these years of dating is to just grown.  So I picked up my cell phone and I gave “Lonnie” a call.

Me:  Hey Lonnie.  How are you?

Lonnie:  I’m good.

Me:  Listen, I don’t want you to think I am blowing you off.  But I am not comfortable hanging out at your house just yet.  I want to get to know you on mutual grounds first. 

Lonnie:  I completely understand.  I’m glad you called.

Me:  I’m glad I called you as well.  I’m on business travel the next few days but I’ll reach out to you when I return.

Lonnie:  Sounds good.  Safe travels.

Me:  Thank you!

I was proud of myself for not going in on him and assuming the worse.  But I Realized, I can’t even be mad at him.  There are plenty of women that went to that sofa and hung out with him and had no qualms about it.  That’s why he was so comfortable asking.  But I’m learning to not jump the gun or jump to conclusions.  I am always so quick to put on my running shoes and sprint the hell out of something.  Who knows if I will reach out to “Lonnie.”  After all, he was just the temporary filler for the guy I liked.

black-woman-and-man

When your heart is into someone else, even when they are acting an ass a “filler” they won’t fill anything. It will only exacerbate the fact that you are missing the other person.

So what was the lesson learned here:

    • Even a self proclaimed serial dater can fall for someone, and when your heart is into someone else, even when they are acting an as a “filler” they won’t fill anything. It will only exacerbate the fact that you are missing the other person.
    • When guy ask you to come chill on his sofa. Before you cuss his ass out, try to give him the benefit of the doubt and then cuss his ass out! LOL!

Monique K.Bradley

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