As you probably guessed, I had to take a dating sabbatical. Sometimes I have to remind myself I am not just a blogger, but I am also human. Writing these reflective posts can sometimes take an emotional toll on a sistah! I was just over it. And I apologize, because I know my posts have been few far in between. So I am making this one extra long and juicy! This happens every few months where I’m just not in the mood to go out on any more dates. But don’t cry for me Argentina… I’m BAAACK!!!!!
It’s interesting, there are so many media outlets, articles, and TV shows that give out this false illusion that it is so difficult for women (African American women in particular) to meet men and go out on dates. That is such a c rock of shit! Meeting men and going out on dates has never ever ever ever been an issue for me. Meeting the right man… well that’s another story. But I do realize in order to meet the one I am going to have to kiss a few frogs to get to my KING. I do not want a damn Prince; I want a man… a KING! There I go digressing already!
I met a fine ass man at an event a few months back. And we finally were able to coordinate our schedules for a date. I was actually really and truly excited to get to know this brotha. But I realized I hadn’t been out on a date in a few months. I was feeling a little rusty. So I did what any normal gal would do, I went out with someone else to do a dry run for the real thing also know as The Dry Run Date. You know what they say… practice make perfect!
I met “Ivan” at another event in NYC a while back. He had been trying to go out with me for weeks. To be honest, I couldn’t remember what he looked like. It was dark and he was wearing a baseball cap. Not to mention it was towards the end of the evening and I had a couple of cocktails. One of the beauties of partying in NYC, you don’t have to worry about driving so you can drink as much as you want. I remember he was tall (always a plus), and he sounded like Busta Rhymes. He had the raspy, New York accent. But I also remember he was a little rough around the edges. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to date Carlton Banks. But I’m also not interested in dating DMX! I’m just saying. “Ivan” was born and raised in NYC but he lived in LA. Not only did he live in LA but he lived in my neighborhood! I was already on a sabbatical so every time he called or texted, I blew him off, I came up with various reason why I couldn’t go out with him.
I’m out of town…
I already have plans…
I’m working late…
I’m not feeling well…
But “Ivan” was persistent as hell. (Why can’t the guys you are really attracted to be as persistent). So when the other guy asked me out I decided to do a Dry Run Date with “Ivan” so I could be ready for the date with the guy I actually liked (deets on the next post). A girlfriend of mine thinks this is so wrong. Her theory is that is bad dating Karma. If you don’t like a guy you shouldn’t go out with him. Whenever she says that shit I look at her like she’s crazy. First of all men have been doing this for centuries. Second of all, as long as you are honest with someone and not leading them on I don’t see anything wrong with that! Besides, how in the world are you going to be good at dating if you never go out one any dates? Hey, you can choose to sit at home and twiddle your thumbs alone. However, in my world, I’m going out on dates and putting myself out there. There I go digressing again.
When I finally agreed to go out with “Ivan” he was extremely attentive. He sent me a few restaurant suggestions to choose from. He confirmed the day before that the time still worked for me, AND he even sent me a text the day of the date telling me how much he was looking forward to meeting with me. For a second I had a mind to cancel. I really wasn’t in the mood to go out, but that would actually be bad dating Karma to cancel at the last minute. So I took my dress rehearsal seriously. I put on some skinny jeans, heels, and a fitted wrap shirt, and set the look off with an oversized clutch and a chunky necklace. I made sure my makeup was done to perfect and every hair was in place and I headed over to Katana on Sunset Blvd.
On my way there, “Ivan” sent me another test message.
I forgot we pushed the time back to 8. I’ve been here since 7. Really looking forward to seeing you.
I tried not to roll my eyes at the text. After all, if this was a guy I was really into I would have pulled the car over and done cartwheels right there in the middle of Sunset Blvd. My inner loving diva had a little lecture for me before I got out of my car and turned my keys over to the valet attendant.
Monique enjoy being doted on. Don’t be a bitch without giving this guy a chance because you are letting your vanity rule over your rational thinking. Enjoy this and allow a man to dote on you.
With that, I took a deep breath, took the elevator up to Katana and walked to the host stand. Katana is a Sunset Blvd. staple. I have loved this spot since the first time I went there almost 14 years ago. The food is excellent and the décor is relaxing and eclectic. As you know, I am all about ambiance and beautiful people. And Katana married these two aspects together perfectly.
The host walked me to the outside terrace and there sat “Ivan” with his Yankee baseball cap and Timberland boots. I tried not to roll my eyes. Timbs? Baseball cap? Baggy jeans? Really? I haven’t been into rough necks since high school. I used to date guys who lived in Trenton, New Jersey much to my mother’s dismay. LOL!
When he saw me he stood up and his eyes lit up. He took off his baseball cap and it revealed a freshly shaved bald head. To be honest, he kind of favored a bald Busta Ryhmes. He gave me a hug and handed me a bouquet of fresh flowers.
Me: Awwwwww…. Thank you!
Ivan: Beautiful flowers for a beautiful woman.
At that point it was easy for me to overlook his raspy voice, bad grammar, and resemblance to an unattractive rapper. I am a sucker for flowers. As a matter of fact I make it a point to go to the Farmers Market every Sunday and pick up fresh flowers for my house for the week. I was really impressed and flattered that “Ivan” took the time to pick up some flowers. Note to all of the nosey men reading this blog: It is not overkill to bring a woman flowers on the first date, as a matter of it is a turn on. Women love this. It is not too sappy, too pressed, or too feminine!!!! Its grown, sexy, charming, and attractive!
Ivan: Glad you finally gave a brotha a chance to take you out. You’re a hard woman to catch Miss Monique.
Me: I am so sorry it’s been so hectic lately. But I’m glad we finally pulled our schedules together to make it happen.
At this point the waiter came over and took our drink orders.
Ivan: I’ll just have a Sprite.
Me: I’ll have a glass of your Sauvignon Blanc from New Zealand… Did you give up alcohol for Lent?
Ivan: No, I don’t drink.
For my loyal readers you already know this is a turn off. You already know I don’t trust men who don’t drink. But since this was just a Dry Run Date I didn’t care. I was relaxed, free, and could care less whether or not he was a drinker.
Ivan: But I smoke.
I didn’t realize my face was perplexed until he clarified the statement.
Ivan: Not cigarettes… Weed.
Now let me just put this out there. I do not smoke weed. I have never tried it, never had a desire to try, and don’t plan on trying it. However, I do not judge people who smoke weed. As a matter of fact it needs to be legalized. Weed has killed less people than drunk drivers and I don’t see anything wrong with it. And this is coming from a wine lover. So “Ivan” admitting to indulging in smoking a little Mary Jane was not a put off. But I always find it interesting when someone doesn’t drink but they smoke weed. It is such an interesting dichotomy. I guess it is comparable to someone like me who doesn’t smoke but drinks. But again, whatever, I didn’t care.
Ivan: Is that an issue for you?
Me: Not really. I don’t smoke but it’s not a deal breaker, if you were a cigarette smoker that would be a different story. Black men have enough things to worry about than adding lung cancer to the list.
Ivan: (laughing) True dat! I’m assuming you don’t have kids with all the travelling you do.
I decided to have fun with “Ivan.”
Me: Actually I have 2 kids.
His eyes bucked out of his head.
Me: Yeah. Ab and Austin.
Ivan: Wow! I would have never guessed it.
“Ivan” actually looked disappointed. All the air was let out of his balloon. I decided to stop being an asshole.
Me: I’m just playing! I don’t have kids.
Ivan: Thank goodness! I don’t date women with children.
Me: Really? Why?
Ivan: I want to experience having kids with my woman for the first time together. I don’t want her comparing my pregnancy to another n**a’s kid.
Me: I can certainly respect that. There’s nothing wrong with that. What if I was serious though. Would have never gone out with me again?
Ivan: I would have went out with you but I would have put you in a different category.
Me: What category?
Ivan: The jump off category.
Ivan: Hell yeah!
Me: So when if a woman is in your jump off category what does that mean?
Ivan: Well I’m still going to wine and dine her. But I’m going to tell her what she wants to hear, and say all the right things, so I can get it faster.
I had to admit, “Ivan” was quite entertaining. I appreciated his honesty. He was a true New Yorker. One thing about these guys in LA they are so full of shit. East Coast men tell it like it is and do not feel the need to sugar coat things. I was actually enjoying this!
Me: But you might end up falling in love with her and being a great step dad to her kids.
Ivan: Nah. I wouldn’t let that happen. I’m not going to introduce her to my momma and my sistas. Hell nah! Besides my momma would get on my case for dating a woman who already ahs kids. If ain’t got none she don’t need to have none!
Me: That’s fair. It’s not like you have a bunch of kids. And I can certainly feel you on experiencing having a child for the first time together.
Ivan: Would you date a guy with kids?
Me: I used to be like you. I refused to date men with kids. But as I got older I realized a lot of guys do have kids. So now, I am open to dating men with kids but no more than one. And by some chance he has more than one child it has to be from a previous marriage. I can’t be with a man who is spreading his seeds all of the damn country.
Ivan: Do you want kids of your own?
Me: Absolutely. But I want to be married first. I’m not interested in being someone’s baby momma.
Ivan: I’m surprised someone hasn’t snatched you up already. You’re definitely wifey material.
Why do men always assume a woman who is single in her 30’s has never been snatched up before? My goodness! I took a sip of my wine and recognized this was my own insecurity and didn’t jump down his throat. Another benefit of a Dry Run Date is you are uber sensitive to your own shit. Things you might react to that has nothing to do with your date you recognize and make adjustments.
Me: I was married before.
Ivan: (laughing) There you go with the jokes again.
Me: No I’m serious. I was.
Ivan: (laughter comes to an abrupt stop) For real?
Me: No, seriously. I was.
Ivan: I ain’t never been out with a woman who was married before. Are you still married?
Me: Of course. I wouldn’t be out with you if I was still married!
Ivan: You never know some of these chicks be scandalous.
ME: Well, no. I’m not still married.
Ivan: How long was you married for?
My goodness, his grammar was killing me.
Me: Long enough.
Ivan: What happened?
Me: Damn! That’s a lot to ask on a first date.
Ivan: I’m sorry.
Me: No, no, it’s okay. We just weren’t right for each other. We never should have gotten married in the first place and luckily we got out of it without bringing any kids into the world.
The waiter then came buy and dropped off our appetizers. The food at Katana is always excellent. We ordered a bunch of skewers and sushi. “Ivan insisted” that I dip my sea bass into the special dip he had them make for him
Ivan: You gotta try this.
Me: I don’t want to double dip.
Ivan: I don’t care. You been married before so I know you’re clean!
“Ivan“cracked me up. Then our conversation turned to his work. I thought he was in sports management. But then he clarified with this round about story that didn’t make any fucking sense. He talked about how he went to community college after he got his GED. But then he was in the music industry, before he started working for an A List athlete (who will remain nameless). I have always been accused of not being able to hide my non-verbal’s. Clearly this was something I needed to work on before my real date. I was obviously looking at “Ivan” like he had two heads.
Ivan: Alright, can I be honest?
Me: Sure, what would stop you now?!
Ivan: You know, I‘m kinda of a hustler.
ME: What do you mean “hustler?”
Ivan: Yu know I do my thing?
Me: Is it legal?
Ivan: Well you know…
Me: No I don’t know.
Ivan: I do what I do.
Me: What exactly is that?
I suddenly had a panic attack. Was I in an episode of Law and Order? I envisioned him picking me up taking me on a date, us getting pulled over, and cops finding drugs in his car, and my beautiful ass sitting in a prison cell wearing that hideous orange jumpsuit all because I got caught with an ass.
Ivan: Well… Like you said about your marriage. That’s a lot to ask on a first date.
I then had another vision of a shoot out occurring out of nowhere in the restaurant and getting shot up as a victim of a drug war. I didn’t realize I had tuned out until “Ivan” snapped me out of it. I was practically writing my damn obituary.
Ivan: You want another glass of wine?
ME: I’m fine. Thanks! It’s getting kind of late.
The bill came, and “Ivan” paid with his credit card. I guess hustlers have good credit these days. He walked me to the valet. When I went to pay for my car, he immediately put his hand out to stop me. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a huge wad of cash that was in a silver money clip. He had to open it up and search for a $20 bill that was stuck deep in between his stacks of $100 and $50 bills. At least he was organized. He gave me a hug and asked me to go out again. I told him I would give him a call when I got back in town, which I wasn’t going to do. I hopped my black ass in my car and drove the fuck off! Of course my paranoid ass took a roundabout route back home just in case I was being followed.
At least I wouldn’t feel bad when I never called him again. And at least I got exactly what I needed out of the Dry Run Date. It was great practice for the guy I Was actually excited about seeing the following week. I was able to realize that I needed to keep things light and breezy. There is no need to bring up divorce, kids, and serious shit on a first date unless you see real potential with a guy and he brings it up first. I also understand there are certain topics I am hyper sensitive about that have nothing to do with the guy and I needed to keep those feelings in check. And last and certainly not least, going on a first date is so much easier when you don’t have expectations. The thing about a Dry Run Date is since you don’t have your feelings vested in the guy, and you know you are not into him. You can relax and just be yourself. What if we approached all guys like this. Even the ones you really like and are super duper attracted to. What if you were so relaxed and carefree you could actually enjoy the date? I was grateful I had an opportunity to do a Dry Run. Not every guy is marriage material, or even multiple date material. But sometimes, a girl needs to hop into the pool before diving into the ocean to catch the big fish!
It had been a while since I went out with friends on a “school night.” And Lord knows that’s exactly what I needed! I was having one of those BLAH weeks. My career was going great; my brand new dining room table was delivered and my house was looking like it was staged. I was enjoying driving my new car. I was spending more time with my LA family. And I was appreciating the TRUE and AUTHENTIC friendships in my life.
However, I was still feeling a little BLAH. Every once in awhile, as a single woman you have those times where you feel a little lonely. And don’t get me wrong. I would rather be alone and lonely than in a relationship and lonely. And I am very clear, if I wanted to be in a relationship right now I could settle and just go with what was around. But I was making the conscious effort to go with my heart, follow my gut, and never ever settle again. But sometimes you want to go to the top of a mountain and scream out, “Where the fuck is he? I’m ready! Where are you?!”
I’m ready to experience passionate, unconditional; earth shattering, supportive, agape love and I promised myself I would never ever settle for anything less EVER again… Okay I am already digressing. Long story short, this week the loneliness was feeling a little more palpable. And I was in a serious funk. When my girlfriend called me and asked me if I wanted to meet her for drinks after work, I said YES without hesitation. One of her college friends was celebrating his birthday. Unlike most people who are in a funk about being lonely, I particularly like to be around other people who are in love and hear their stories of happiness. For me, it is wonderful to see my girlfriend a) so happy and b) it lets me know it is possible to have everything you’re looking for if you’re willing to wait for the RIGHT person.
So I shut down my computer and made my way to Beverly Hills. I arrived before my girlfriend and had the opportunity to meet the very energetic, charismatic and very DRUNK birthday boy. He was friendly and buying drinks. I could appreciate that! As we were toasting my girlfriend walked in and joined us for a toast. He was one of those guys who were funny without even trying and unapologetically honest. He just had us cracking up. He reminded me of a black Ari Gold from Entourage. He was borderline obnoxious but loveable. He was also Ari Gold’s size. He was a good 5’6. He was introducing us to his various investment banker friends, the typical suited and booted Beverly Hills business men. A few minutes later in walked in one guy with a young black lady. I assumed she was in her late 20’s. She was inappropriately dressed for Beverly Hills. She had on a pair of high waisted super duper tight jeans. You know those jeans that looked like she would need to make a stop by CVS pharmacy on her way home and pick up a pack of Monistat 7, a beaded Bebe tank top that exposed her double D fake breasts. And don’t get me wrong, as a member of the double D club (all natural for the record… no shade), I get it, and I will always try to accentuate them. However, the general rule of thumb is you have to pick one thing or the other to accentuate. If you are focusing on displaying the Double D’s you can’t also expose the ass and the legs. You must keep it classy! There I go digressing again. In addition to the too tight jeans, and the cheap beaded tank top, she had so many tattoos. She had very pretty caramel skin but the tattoos over took her left arm and a portion of her chest. She had a short curly hair cut similar to Nicole Murphy. And to top it all off she had a nose ring. However, despite her tacky wardrobe you could tell she was a naturally pretty girl. There was live jazz playing and she was dancing inappropriately proactively. My girlfriend and I gave each other the international look all women give each other when a woman like that walks into a restaurant. It’s that look you give each other and know exactly what each other is saying without speaking.
Look at this skank. Poor thing!
The gentleman she walked in with was actually her boyfriend. What an interesting match! “Bob” was a 42 year old, white investment banker. He was from… get this… Iowa! He was attractive for a white guy. He was about 6’3, with dark hair, and full lips. If I was into white men I would certainly consider giving him an application to date me. LOL! I would have never guessed he would be the type to to date a black woman let alone a younger woman who was so… okay I’ll say it… slutty! Yes I said it. I was judging!
He introduced us to this character, “Chloe.”\
Chloe: Nice to meet you ladies! What are you drinking?
We told her and she ordered our drinks on Bob’s tab. She then returned to the dance floor and danced like there was a stripper pole present… although there wasn’t. She would run up to “Bob” a few times and simulate humping him. Although he would turn bright red you could tell he loved it!
Bob: I have no idea what I’m doing dating her. She’s a handful!
Me: Yes she is! But she seems nice.
Bob: She is a sweetheart. She’s just a little young.
Me: Well you know how you men are, the younger the better!
A few moments later “Bob” was introducing us to another young lady. She seemed more age appropriate and was wearing a classy pink silk dress. Her jewelry was understated.
My girlfriend and I gave each other the other international non verbal “WTF” look. “Chloe” appeared from nowhere and introduced herself to the other young lady. She was very friendly and confident.
Chloe: Hello, I’m Chloe, Bob’s girlfriend. And you are?
This night was certainly getting more entertaining by the minute. The other lady introduced herself to “Chloe” and made it a point to sit at the same seat at the bar listening distance from “Bob” and “Chloe.”
When “Chloe” was finally finished putting on a show in the middle of the dance floor she made her way to the empty seat that was at the bar near my girlfriend and I and ordered another cocktail.\
Chloe: So what do you ladies do?
Me: I’m in entertainment.
Girlfriend: I’m a lawyer.
Chloe: Really? I just finished school to become a paralegal.
I discreetly kicked my girlfriend under the table. I knew good and well she wouldn’t consider hiring this piece of work in her thriving law practice.
Girlfriend: That’s great.
Then Chloe leaned in and whispered to us.
Chloe: You noticed this bitch hasn’t moved since I introduced myself to her. She’s over there ear hustling.
Chloe was right and I had noticed that. I was still trying to figure out who the lady was in the mix.
Girlfriend: How did you and Bob meet?
Chloe: I was working in the coffee shop where he comes every day before work and he was always nervous whenever I would wait on him. Then one day he wrote me a note. And it said “Will you go out with me… yes… or no.”
Me and My Girlfriend: Awww that’s so sweet.
Chloe: I didn’t call him for a few weeks and then one day I said, fuck it. I’ll give him a call. My daughter’s father was getting on my nerves and I figured I had nothing to lose. WE went out the next day. And then our second date I took him to Vegas. And after that trip we knew we had feelings for each other.
Girlfriend: That’s the key. You have to get them out of their environment in order to really get to know them. When you go out of town, it’s just you and the guy and you will know if it’s right.
Chloe: We had a great time. Besides I had hook ups at the different clubs from when I used to strip.
She said it so nonchalantly like she was talking about being a barista at Starbucks. For some strange reason I wasn’t bothered by it or surprised.
Me: How long ago was that?
Chloe: Five years ago.
Me: How old are you if you don’t mind my asking.
Me: You’re young. So you like your men older?
Chloe: I don’t have time for these young boys!
Me: I know that’s right.
Chloe: He’s a great guy. He treats me better than anyone I have ever been with, even my daughter’s father.
Me: That’s really good and that’s important. How long have you two been together?
Chloe: 3 years.
Chloe: The only thing is…
She looked over to see if the Ear Hustler was present. She had disappeared.
Chloe: He vanishes for weeks at a time.
Girlfriend: What do you mean?
Chloe: HE went through a really bad divorce and there are times when I know he gets scared and I won’t hear from him for two weeks. I’ll call him, text, him and nothing.
Girlfriend: Have you had a conversation with him about it?
Chloe: I have. But he always does it.
I looked at this young girl’s eyes and my judgment suddenly turned into compassion. She clearly had been through some things in her life and my heart did a 180.
Me: I’m sorry to hear that. You definitely need to talk to him about it.
Chloe: He has been so supportive. He even paid my way through school to become a paralegal. I’m really trying to change my life for the better so I can take care of me and my daughter. I’ll be right back.
Chloe went to the ladies room and my girlfriend and I immediately started talking.
Me: I feel bad for her.
Girlfriend: I know me too.
Me: She’s actually nice and here we were judging her before we even knew her.
Girlfriend: I know.
Me: WE are bitches!
We both started laughing.
Girlfriend: I’m going to give her my card and have her come to my office. IF she’s decent I might hire her. I could mentor her and teach her appropriate professional behavior.
Me: We could be her fairy god mothers.
Chloe returned from the bathroom shortly after that.
Chloe: Sorry ladies, I had to readjust my bra straps. Since I had my daughter these bad boys hang low if I don’t wear the right bra.
Me: Those are yours.
Before you go judging me forsaking. This is a typical conversation that happens between women in LA.
Chloe: Girl yes!
She then took my hand and had me touch them. They were definitely authentic non surgically enhanced breasts. And once again, before you judge me. I am strictly dickly. But this is a typical interaction between women in LA. When you have real breasts and people question them you do this and when you have fake breasts that look real people do the same thing. It’s an LA thing.
Me: I thought for sure they were fake.
Chloe: It’s Victoria Secrets ultimately push up bra!
My girlfriend handed her card over to Chloe.
Girlfriend: I want you to come to my office this week. I might have apposition open and we can do a test run.
Chloe: Really?! I’d love that.
She gave my girlfriend a hug. She finished her drink and gave me a hug and headed out. She had to get home in time to get her daughter. We saw her waiting outside. And “Bob” was still inside socializing. She came back inside to get him and he was taking his sweet time. When the birthday boy returned to my girlfriend and I we suddenly became like her 2 aunties.
Girlfriend: Why isn’t Bob going outside to give Chloe a ride?
Birthday Boy: She’ll be fine.
ME: But she needs to pick up her daughter.
Birthday Boy: Chloe is a trip. She’s one of these modern day 20 something girls. They will give you head in a taxi cab and come back into a party and keep dancing.
Birthday Boy: These young girls just don’t care. They aren’t concerned with what people think. Women who are your age are more concerned about what people think. You keep shit classy and try to do the right thing. It’s a new generation of women out there.
I looked outside and saw Chloe getting into a cab. And my heart ached for her. And I had to do a reality check on myself. I was so quick to judge her, to write her off as a lost slutty skank instead of embracing her and getting to know her. Maybe I could be that person who helps her change her life around. She obviously was trying to do better. She went to school to become a paralegal. And who knows what her situation was that drove her to stripping and having a child at a young age. Who knows how many men have used and abused her? But what a lesson learned. Us 30-40 something’s have to do better. WE need to embrace these young girls instead of judging them. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t plan on making it my life mission to go to strip clubs and try to convert strippers into housewives. But what I am saying is I need to be more sensitive to people and check myself when I am being judgmental bitch. Not everyone has grown up like I did and that’s okay. But I truly believe we are put on this earth to be a light to others and help their light shine. How can you long for love if you aren’t giving it out yourself and that’s doesn’t just apply to the dating world but on your day to day life.
*Finally bringing you part 2!!!!!!
Between the time that I was headed back east for the holidays and when I actually had plans to go out with “Marvin” again we were in constant communication. He was really pretty cool. I liked his energy and we had great conversations. He was on his grind about moving to LA. I could appreciate that until one evening we were having one of our marathon long phone conversation and the topic of his job search came up.
“Marvin”: I was checking the website of your company and I saw they had a few positions posted.
I took a deep breath and a long chug of my wine. This was one of the reasons I didn’t date upcoming actors, writers, directors, etc. because there is always that inevitable question that will come up when they realize you work for one of the major Hollywood studios and might have contacts. They always want you to bring their reel on the lot for one of the casting directors or get their script into the hands of one of the producers. I thought dating a man who wasn’t in the business I would not have to worry about it but obviously I was wrong. I decided not to be a total bitch about it.
“Marvin”: Do you have any contacts in HR?
Me: I do.
“Marvin”: Would it be possible for you to send them my resume?
ME: Well, “Marvin” this is the holidays. It doesn’t even make sense for me to send them your resume right now because the studio is pretty much shut down until the beginning of the year. So remind me then.
I figured that he would get the hint to shut the fuck up and let it go. But noooooo…. Why would he?!
“Marvin”: I went ahead and started submitting to the different positions just so my name could be at the top of the queue when they get back. I can send you the requisition numbers.
Me: What were some of the positions you were interested in?
“Marvin”: I saw there were coordinator positions.
Record screech to a halt. Did this 51 ½ year old man who allegedly ran a mortgage company and had a master’s degree ask me to submit his resume for a coordinator position? A coordinator position is typically an entry level job. It is a job someone who is fresh out of college would apply for or someone who is in their 20’s! Not a grown ass fucking man! Could you imagine me showing up to work and passing my husband’s cubicle one my way to my corner office?! Get the fuck out of here!
Me: “Marvin”, those are entry level positions. Why would you apply for an entry level job at this point in your life?
“Marvin”: I’m not in your industry so I didn’t know the differences between the various jobs.
Me: But didn’t you get a master’s degree? How could you not know that? Where did you get your master’s?
I didn’t realize I had actually said it out loud. I thought I had just said it in my mind.
“Marvin”: I got my master’s from Jones’s College.
Me: Where is that?
“Marvin”: It’s online.
Lawd have mercy on me! This man was becoming more and more unattractive. I told him my standard line.
Me: Send me your resume and I will see what I can do.
I knew full well that shit was going straight into the garbage. I was so turned off. I was about to cancel our next date. But I decided to go forward with it. Maybe I would realize I was overreacting… Which I knew I wasn’t. But at the very least I would have an interesting post. The things I do for my readers! LOL! Besides it was my best friend’s son’s birthday party so I wasn’t going to be too far from ““Marvin”.” As I was leaving my girlfriends house I asked her the quickest route to get to “Marvin’s” house. When I gave her the address she stopped dead in her tracks.
Girlfriend: Where does he live?
Me: East Orange.
Girlfriend: You don’t want to drive there! That’s straight up hood!
The look on my face must have shown my total mortification so she did what any good girlfriend does… back pedaled.
Girlfriend: I’m sure it’s not that bad. What’s the street name?
I told her. And she looked it up on Google maps and even pulled up the satellite picture.
Girlfriend: Okay you should be okay.
Me: Are you sure.
Girlfriend: Ummmm…. Yeah. I’m sure. Just call me and text me when you get there and when you’re leaving and when you get home.
I looked at my normally cool, calm, and collected girlfriend and knew I was driving into the straight up hood.
Luckily his building wasn’t too bad. When I arrived he told me to park next to his car. Silver S500. I rolled my eyes. Every time I saw that damn car it reminded me of my ex. He drove that exact same car but had the numbers changed on the car so that it displayed an S500 instead of the S430 it really was. Not only was I not impressed by that car, the memory of my ex made me disgusted, and it was old. I mean really! Get a damn Honda before you’re driving around sporting an old as Mercedes.
I shook off my judgmental side, texted my girlfriend to let her know I had arrived safely without any bullet holes in my chest, walked into the building, knocked on his door, and “Marvin” answered the door. There he stood all 6’5 of him with his over bite, and broad shoulders. I walked into this spot and it looked like… well it looked like a place someone lives who just threw a bunch of shit together. Old furniture, plastic plants, and of course a big ass flat screen TV. Why do men do that? Why will they have some shitty ass furniture and then a brand new 52 inch TV? I looked around and tried to make sure my facial expression was not showing the inner monologue which was going on in my head. Which was:
This man is a broke down, 50 something LOSER!!!!!! He’s no Michael Jordan! He clearly doesn’t have his shit together. How in the hell am I going to cut this date short?!
“Marvin”: Would you like a glass of wine? I know you like Sauvignon Blanc from New Zealand so I stopped at the store and got you a bottle.
Things were looking up. At least he had a little bit of sense. Although when he took out the bottle I could tell it was definitely one of the cheaper brands. Of course my inner loving diva had to chime in.
Monique why are you being so hard on this brotha? He hasn’t done anything to you besides be broke and old. Give him a chance. At least let him take you out to dinner. As a matter of fact try being honest with him. Tell him why you’re feeling a little apprehensive.
“Marvin” poured me a glass of wine and we sat on his couch and talked a little before we headed out to dinner.
Me: “Marvin”, I have to be honest with you.
“Marvin”: Of course. What’s up?
Me: I was really thrown off when you were asking me about a job at my company. First of all, I really do not refer people that I do not know like that. Also, given your age and background when you were looking at entry level positions it concerned me.
Me: Well at your age, I would think you would be looking at higher level positions. If I am going to date a man who is of a certain age I expect him to have his shit together. And I’m not saying that as a dig. I just want to be honest with you.
“Marvin”: I appreciate your honesty. And I know you’re the type of woman that a man needs to have his shit together if he’s going to step to you. I was a professional athlete for 20 years and then I owned my own company. I’ve never worked for anyone so I was just looking at what was out there.
Me: I see.
“Marvin”: But I hear you and I would never expect a woman to take care of me. That’s my job.
Me: I just wanted to be honest with you.
“Marvin”: I appreciate you honesty.
I was hoping “Marvin” didn’t think I was some younger Simpleton that didn’t know the ways of the world. Lots of these older men probably start dating younger women once women their age get tired of their shit. They might think a younger woman is naive and more tolerant of their bullshit.
We headed out to dinner. When we walked in the hostess greeted us.
Hostess: You and your daughter can follow me this way.
Oh my goodness! She thinks this man is my daddy!!! Good Lawd. When we sat down I excused myself to the ladies room. I looked at myself in the mirror.
What are you doing here? You’re not really attracted to this man, he’s obviously broke, AND he’s old!
I didn’t realize I wasn’t alone in the bathroom until I heard the toilet flush and another lady in her mid to late 50’s came to the sink to wash her hands. She chuckled to herself, dried her hands, and as she was leaving me patted me on the shoulder. For the mosey men reading this blog, yes women have a secret language in the ladies room. We go there to bond. I pulled myself together and walked back to the table. “Marvin’s” back was facing me and for the first time I noticed a shiny bald spot at the crown of his head. Now I’ve dated men who are bald/balding but for some reason on him it just looked old! I recognized I was being vain, I also recognized I shouldn’t have agreed to go out with him again. But I was here and wanted to make the best of things.
We finished our dinner. He paid with cash again. When he got up from the table he shook his knees out. He told me before his legs often cramp up from old basketball injuries. We got into his car and drove back to his place. On the way he was playing some old school slow jams. It was jamming!
Me: Which station is this?
“Marvin”: It’s a mix tape I put together.
Me: A mix tape? Like a cassette tape?
“Marvin”: (chuckling) Yeah. I’m old school.
Me: Yes you are!
When we got back to “Marvin’s” place he walked me to my car. I managed to deflect his kiss with a hug and 3 pats to the back (the international sign a woman gives when she’s just not into a guy). “Marvin” ultimately got the hint and his phne calls and text messages dwindled until I no longer heard from him. Let me be clear. “Marvin” was a nice guy. And there are a lot of men who are his age but look young and have a younger spirit.
What was it about older men that attracted me to them even at the young age when I first fell in love with Billy Dee Williams (pause for laughter)? They had sophistication, a charm, knowledge, power, confidence. Hell, even when I was in high school I only dated seniors as a freshman. But what I realized was I was limiting myself over the last few years. There are some guys my age who I wouldn’t even give the time of day just because I was overlooking them for an older guy to fit into my box. I realized I can no longer set all of these limitations when it comes to dating. I needed to hijack my list and also get rid of the notion of what my man is supposed to look like, act like, and do. And instead go with the feeling. I know ultimately my gut wouldn’t steer me wrong. I won’t say I will never date an older man. But what I will say is I need to stop limiting myself and blinding myself by my own expectations. Instead I will go with the flow. I have no idea who my soul mate will be but moving forward I was going with the feeling. Out with the old in with the new. Pun intended.
As most of my loyal readers know I have a tendency to be attracted to older men. Not too damn old. But I like a man who is in his mid-late 40’s. I have no idea what it is. And no, I do not have “Daddy” issues. I have always liked the presence of a distinguished man. I have been like this since I can remember. My first older male crush was… Oh boy… I can’t believe I am about to put this in writing… Billie Dee Williams. (Pause for laughter) I thought he was the epitome of a MAN. And then Harry Belafonte in Carmen Jones sent me over the edge. Lawd Jesus that just did it for me! So needless to say I like my men slightly older and distinguished a little salt and pepper in the hair never hurt nobody!
However, I recently discovered that even I have an age limit. Over the Christmas Holidays I went to a party with some girlfriends of mine at HOME in Beverly Hills. The crowd was… well it was an older crowd. But hell, it was the holidays and I can make the best of any situation. Besides, with an older crowd, comes older men. I looked around and saw a few guys that were somewhat attractive. One of my girlfriends had a sour look on her face.
Me: What’s wrong?
Girlfriend: The men in here are a little too north of 45.
Me: Well that’s a good thing!
I refused to allow her negativity to rub off on me. But as I looked around, I had to admit. She was absolutely right! But we stayed a while, had a few cocktails and made the best of the night. I spotted an attractive man standing on the opposite end of the restaurant. He was tall with broad shoulders, I only saw him from behind. But I’m also a sucker for a tall man with broad shoulders. Damn, I’m just a sucker! Luckily my other girlfriend knew the guy he was talking to. She is energetic and in a relationship so she had nothing to lose. Remind me to do a post about picking out your wing woman! “I’m going to find out who he is. Give me 2 minutes.” With that she walked across the room and greeted the guy she knew. And just as she promised 2 minutes later she signaled for me to come over and she introduced me to the guy. When he turned around, he was somewhat attractive. And I am a self professed vain bitch. The first step in fixing the problem is acknowledging that you actually have a problem. And being vain is certainly one of my issues. But there was something I just didn’t like about the shape of his mouth. It was nothing that a 3 year dental plan with Invisalign couldn’t fix. It’s not like his teeth were crooked, he just had a distinct over bite.
We had a great conversation though. He was a genuine guy. “Marvin” was a former football player and he played overseas for 15 years. He was now in the finance industry. I guessed he was about 47 years old. Of course he lived in New York but was visiting LA because he was considering moving to the west coast. My interest was certainly peaked.
We exchanged information and he sent me a text that same night.
It was great meeting you. To be continued…
Okay! I liked this brutha’s follow through. Note to all nosy men reading this blog. There is nothing pressed about sending a woman a text the same night you meet them. As a matter of fact we appreciate it and welcome it! Show some damn interest! Anyway… I digressed. The following day “Marvin” called me and asked me out to lunch before he headed out of town. Of course I accepted. We met up at Mi Piace in Old Pasadena. Of course I was running my usual 10 minutes late. When I arrived he stood up to greet me and gave me a hug. He was nice and tall. There’s nothing like being hugged by a man who is 6’3 and above. You just feel so damn protected and secure. It is also nice going out with a man who is much taller than you. I don’t have to put in any effort trying to figure out if I can wear my highest heel without looking like an Amazon woman. ”Marvin” was 6’5. IT was really nice getting a hug from him, Not to mention he had a nice chest. I could tell he worked out. But that overbite was really irking me! Of course my inner loving diva had to chime in.
Monique just stop! Give the guy a chance. Teeth can be fixed. At least he is tall. Would you rather date a short midget with perfectly straight teeth? Besides it’s not like they are crooked. You’re being a vain bitch!!!!!
With that I mentally slapped myself and decided to give Bucky Beaver a chance. After all he was a nice guy. The conversation flowed nicely. He told me about what it was like living in France all those years as a professional athlete. I liked the fact that he was well cultured. When he retired from life as an athlete he opened his own mortgage company. And when the economy crashed and he had to close his company he decided to go back to school and get his MBA. Now he was working with another mortgage company. ”Marvin” was divorced with 2 grown kids. I could appreciate the fact that he stayed on his grind. Then of course the topic of relationships came up. It’s always the inevitable on a first date.
Marvin: So what’s a woman like you doing single? You seem like such a catch.
I absolutely hate that question.
ME: I’m holding out for the right person. As you know, once you go through a divorce you don’t ever want to go through it again.
Marvin: I hear you on that. I’m the same say.
Me: How long were you married?
Marvin: I was married for 16 years.
Me: Oh wow. That’s a long time. How long have you been divorced?
Marvin: I’ve been divorced for 8 years.
Me: Have you had any serious relationships since the divorce?
Marvin: I have. I actually just ended a 6 year relationship.
Me: Six years?! Wow!
Then I took a pause and did the math in my head. Wait one damn minute!
Married- 16 years
Divorced- 8 years
In A Relationship- 6 years
Total= 30 years
Of course my mouth operates faster than I think and I blurted out.
ME: Well damn! How old are you?!
Marvin started cracking up! Well at least the brutha could appreciate my sense of humor and wasn’t easily offended. He took a long pause…
Marvin: I’ll put it to you this way. I’m over 47 and under 53.
Me: Oh so you’re 52?
Marvin: Not yet.
Marvin: You’re fast with that math!
I looked at him dead in his face. And suddenly he did look his age. He was definitely an older man. A handsome older man… with an overbite. But he was distinguished. Could I date a man that old? Hell, there’s something to be sad about being the young wife to an older man. He would always adore you and look at you as his young tender roni. I didn’t realize I had drifted into Neverland until Marvin snapped me out of it.
Marvin: Are you cool?
ME: Yeah. I’m fine.
Marvin: Do you have a problem with my age?
ME: It is a significant age difference… Let me ask you this, are you open to having more kids… And don’t get me wrong, I do not have my wedding gown in my purse but these are things I need to know. You already have 2 grown kids.
After my last experience with the fatso who was adamant about not wanting any kids after we were dating for a few months this is a questions I needed to know.
Marvin: Absolutely. That would be selfish of me to date a woman your age who doesn’t have kids and expect her to not want to have any of her own.
ME: Well, that’s good to know.
We finished the date; I noticed “Marvin” paid the bill with cash. Now my loyal readers know that is usually a signal when a man pays for the date with cash. It’s not a red flag but it definitely makes my attenas go up.
1- He’s like to carry cash around because he’s old school.
2- HE might be married and/or in a serious relationship where he can’t have a record of being out on a date
3- HE’s flat broke and doesn’t have a bank account or good enough credit to get a credit card.
I already knew “Marvin” wasn’t married because we shared a mutual acquaintance. SO it was either 1 or 3. Time would tell…
“Marvin” walked me to my car. We stopped in front of my car. And he bent down to kiss me. The 51 ½ year old with the overbite leaned forward and gave me a nice kiss. Okay… Not bad… Not great.. the earth didn’t move and I didn’t see stars, but at least I didn’t want to throw up!
I got in my car and was in deep thought as I drove home. Could I date a man that much my senior. Hell… Michael Jordan was 51 and he looked good. He just had twins with his new wife who was my age. One of my mentors was married to a man who was 16 years older than her. She seemed happy. But he was a young older man. And he was a successful entertainment attorney. “Marvin” was a young older man. I think his overbite is was turned me off more than his age. “Marvin” called me later that day as he was heading to the airport. We made plans to see each other when I went back east for the holidays. You know me, if the date isn’t a total nightmare I Will give the guy another date. I usually get all the information I need on the second date.
I had time to ponder… Could I date a man that much older than me? My mind flashed images of Billy Dee Williams in his hayday and Harry Belafonte kissing Dorothy Dandridge in Carmen Jones. Hmmmmmm…. Decisions… Decisions… Something in my spirit was telling me something just wasn’t adding up, something just wasn’t right about this man and it was more than just his age and dental situation…..
To be continued….
I acknowledge my list of things that urks the shit out of me is growing at a rapid pace. I am not sure if this is because my patience level is thinning as I age or if I am just more acutely aware of my pet peeves. Am I the only one that hates to hear these phrases come out of a woman’s mouth or man’s mouth on Valentine’s Day:
I don’t see the point in Valentine’s Day; a man should show you he loves you every day.
I hate Valentine’s Day.
Are you doing anything special today? (Especially when it is coming from someone who knows your single)
I’m spending Valentine’s Day alone again!
Valentine’s Day is just another Holiday to make people spend their money. It’s about making money for the stores.
Typically these comments come from women who have been brain washed by their cheap mates, who are single and depressed about it, or who are trying to impress a guy they just met by making them believe they are different than most women. I personally love Valentine’s Day. I love everything about it. I love wearing my pink; I love the idea of spending a day acknowledging LOVE. For those folks who bash the Holiday, I look at them similarly to how I look at those assholes who attempt to downplay marriage and having a family.
I woke up feeling extra grateful and full of love as well as full of possibilities! There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single on Valentine’s Day. As a matter of fact it should be a day spent loving yourself and where you are in life. Or even practicing for when the right man comes. Why not cook yourself a romantic meal and buy yourself an expensive bottle of wine, light some candles, and enjoy the LOVE you have for yourself. If you’re in a relationship instead of bashing the holiday embrace it. Celebrate the idea you have found someone to spend the Holiday with who loves you every day, but doesn’t mind taking an extra day to show how much they care about you.
Love is a beautiful thing and should be celebrated! I am some grateful for the LOVE my readers have shown me. Happy Valentine’s Day lovers!
P.S. A new tale of dating foolery coming next week. I couldn’t in good consciousness write a blog about the dating foolery on Valentine’s Day!
I know I am a little late posting this conclusion. But better late than never!
As if she hadn’t already insulted me enough. And been way too intrusive on my personal life. This bitch then put the nail on the coffin.
The Bitch: Well if I were you I would certainly consider getting your eggs frozen to be on the safe side.
I couldn’t believe that this bitch had the audacity to say that to me. Last time I checked she didn’t keep a calendar of when I was ovulating! Last time I checked there are plenty of women who are having kids in their late 30’s early 40’s. So once again, I turned it back on her. Since this bitch was all in my Kool Aid I was going to get in hers.
ME: Why didn’t you have your eggs frozen?
The Bitch: Well you seem to want to give birth to your own children. For me that wasn’t important but back then they didn’t have that option available.
When I got in my car and headed over the hill to my home. I was perplexed, annoyed, pissed off, and confused by the conversation. First of all I thought that I was going to end up having another mentor. Another fabulous single woman who was older than me that I could bounce ideas off. Instead, I got a rude, judgmental bitch. And for a nano second I started to wonder if my blog was good enough. If I was just another 1 in a 1,000,000 relationship bloggers trying to make a name for myself. I thought about the dating scene. That maybe my time was ticking. And I began to freak the fuck out. I literally had a panic attack. Sweating and heart palpitations and all. I had to pull over and get myself together!
After taking deep calming breaths I concluded that she was just a miserable woman who was having a bad day. I also concluded that perhaps she looked at my hopefulness and realized that her possible cynicism was what lead to her ultimately being mean, alone, and judgemental. I concluded that I would never allow myself to become that woman. The very thing that has prevented me from becoming a Bitter Betty is the belief that I will meet my true soul mate. The thing that makes my blog interesting is because it comes from a place of hopefulness not a place of male bashing and cynicism. I realized this woman was brought into my life as an example of what not to be. And I am thankful for that. And with that I brushed off our chance encounter and made the executive decision to never reach out to her ass again. IF I saw her in public I would keep it moving!
The only interesting thing she did point out is that when I am creating a character I have to think about how that character is flawed. No character is perfect. Since I am the main character in blog I thought long and hard about what my tragic flaw was. What made me imperfect? If I was honest with myself I had a long list.
1- I had recently put on a few extra pounds (thank God I got the flu and was able to lose them). GOD is good!
2- I really didn’t need that expensive leather skirt I recently purchased. That could have gone towards something more practical.
3- I cussed like a sailor.
4- I drink like a fish.
5- I don’t know how to say no to a good party/ event until my body shut down with the flu.
6- I’m always running late.
Then as I finished washing my face and was patting my face dry. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I looked in the mirror. At my blond highlighted hair and I realized I was Goldilocks! I was the fucking black Goldilocks! And that bitch I encountered was the big bad wolf there to blow my house down! Granted I know these are two different fairy tales but when you combine it all together it’s the same damn thing. Think about it. When it came to dating, I always found something wrong (justifiably) but it was always something. I recently didn’t return a phone call to a man I had met because I didn’t like the shape of his finger nails. I swear I did. What that fuck was my problem? The men I dated were comparable to the porridge that Goldilocks just didn’t like! Perhaps I was finding things wrong in guys because I had built up a house made of straw when I was married and the reality of the big bad wolf had huffed and puffed and blew that house down. Then over the last few years, post divorce I felt like I had built a house of sticks with all the bad dates. Each one being blown to shreds before I real relationship could start. But now I had finally built a house made of brick. I was confident and knew what I wanted. The big bad wolf attempted to blow this house down and was unsuccessful. However, in an effort to make sure the big bad wolf didn’t come to blow this house down, perhaps I had built up a brick wall to protect myself. That’s why I was always finding something wrong. That was my tragic dating flaw. We all have them. One flaw doesn’t make another woman’s flaw less of a flaw. A flaw is a flaw. I stood in silence because this was a major epiphany for me. As open as I was, I was still indeed closed. It is time for me to maintain my brick house, but make sure I keep the curtains open so I can experience the sunshine, keep the windows open so I can experience the breeze. You can still have a strong brick house but if it is made with nothing but brick and you aren’t letting the sun and air in what is the purpose? What is your tragic dating flaw? This first step to fixing a problem is acknowledging that you actually have one. To know better is to do better.
I know it’s been a while. I got hit with the flu HARD last week. But I’m baaaaack! The Holiday season is a great time to catch up with family and friends you haven’t seen in a while. Of course when you haven’t seen folks for a while there is that inevitable question that always comes up. It’s the question that annoys the shit out of me. If you are a loyal follower you already know what it is… “Are you seeing anybody special? Are you dating anyone seriously?” URGH! Like I say, if those questions are followed with, “I have someone I want you to meet.” Then it is acceptable. If not, don’t ask. Trust me, when I meet my boo you will be the first to know! And I get it, I know it’s my own personal insecurity that alot of other single women share. BUt it is what it is. The other questions that come up are updates on what’s going on with some of the guys I dated. Since I have been slacking on my posts in the last few weeks inquiring minds want to know (don’t worry, detailed posts to follow). Now those are always fun discussions. But I began to recognize a pattern in my comments.
He was too fat…
He was too short….
He was too broke…
He was too arrogant…
He was too old…
He was too young…
He was too pressed…
He wasn’t showing enough attention…
As I was giving my detailed account of the various guys I went out with when I got to the last few comments. I saw the look on my mother and friends face shift. They tilted their head to the side and looked at me like I was crazy. And to be honest I couldn’t blame them.
His mouth was shaped weird…
He has a big head…
I didn’t like his hands…
My mother laughed and said, “My goodness… Another one bites the dust! I get some things being a deterrent, but his mouth? Come on! And a big head? Now you know you’re reaching!”
My other girlfriends said, “You can fix teeth.”
A week later I met up with some friends to catch the football game… also known as hang out at a sports bar and meet men! Just a side note, sports bars during football season are a great spot to meet men. Anyway I digressed. I got into a conversation with one of my girlfriend’s husbands. They are a couple that I love and admire. They really are friends and genuinely like each other and have a good time together. I think it is so important that the person you end up with is someone you love passionately but also someone who is your friend. They exemplified this concept. He and I got on the topic of relationships.
Girlfriend’s Husband: So what’s going on with the dating scene?
Me: Same shit different day. I’m really ready to settle down but I just want to make sure it is with the right person.
Girlfriend’s Husband: You definitely shouldn’t settle. You’re a catch. There’s no need for that.
Me: Thank you. I have to admit, most of the times the guys that are really into me I’m just not into them.
When I said that he gave me a look. Not a judgmental look but you know one of those looks where someone is about to say something but they catch themselves. Luckily, I trusted him enough to know I could allow him to go there without getting my feelings hurt. So I took a deep breath and prepared for what he had to say.
Me: What? Don’t worry I can handle it…
Girlfriend’s Husband: well, you should take a look at that to find out what that’s about. That’s a strong statement and you should think about where it stems from.
I took a sip of my wine and thought about what he said because he was right. I never really took a second to think about that. But it is a strong statement. You know what they say, a lot of times things come to you in threes. My 3rd sign happened a week later.
I headed over to my hairstylist. With the New Year in full swing I was ready to step outside the box. Instead of waiting for the summertime to go blonde I said, fuck it, why wait. 5 ½ hours later he spun me around in the chair and I was a blonde and I loved it. New Year… New Me. And don’t worry; it’s not Nene Leakes/ Mary J. Blige blonde either. I headed off to meet a friend of friend for drinks. I was slightly annoyed when my friend couldn’t make it at the last minute. After all, the last thing I wanted to was sit with someone I barely knew shooting the shit trying to fill time. But it was too late to cancel. I got to Mastro’s in Beverly Hills to meet with her. She was a 48 year old executive. She was stunning too. She was about 5’10, self assured, dressed to the nines, and when she entered the room she had presence. In other words, she was me 12 years from now! LOL! IF you can’t toot your own horn who will. :-) Or so I thought! She was an entertainment attorney for one of the top firms in LA. When she arrived she looked somewhat flustered and stressed out. And unlike me who was good at masking my emotions (at times… okay that might be an over statement!) she was not. She looked like she really didn’t feel like being bothered. Great! Just what I needed a bitch that thought she was doing ME a favor by meeting me. Guuuurl…. Please have several fucking seats. We sat down and she ordered a scotch and I ordered a glass of wine. And this bitch began interrogating me.
The Bitch: So what exactly do you do again?
I told her what I did and like most people, she seemed to softened up a bit when I told her what I did and which company I worked for.
The Bitch: Interesting.
Me: I’m also focusing on my blog.
The Bitch: What’s it about.
Me: It’s Sex and the City meets Los Angeles but in today’s world with all the added pressures of social media as well as dating after divorce.
The Bitch: That doesn’t sound very unique.
Me: Well perhaps you should read it first.
The Bitch: I hope you’re not offended but that been done already. How is it different than Being Marry Jane or Girlfriends, or even Scandal?
I took a deep breath. The old me would have cussed this bitch out. But the 36 year old me was calmed by my inner loving diva, Relax Monique. Perhaps this bitch had a bad day. I couldn’t believe that a bitch who hadn’t even read my blog had no fucking clue what it was about was comparing it to Being Mary Jane on BET. First of all, I don’t fuck or date married men like the character Gabrielle Union played on Being Mary Jane secondly, I had been married before, thirdly my blog shows that it not so damn hard to meet men and date and women don’t have to be fucking desperate. As much as I loved Scandal how the fuck could she compare my blog to Scandal last time I looked I wasn’t dating or fucking the POTUS! Just because I am black it doesn’t mean that I should be compared to every single black single woman on TV. Sorry for the rant! But she really pissed me off! Did I mention this bitch hadn’t even read my blog?
The Bitch: What are some of your posts about?
I proceeded to tell her about a few of them and her ass just sat there stone faced. So I decided to turn the line of questioning on her since she was all in my business.
Me: Well how about you? Are you single?
The Bitch: Yes.
Me: Have you ever been married?
The Bitch: No.
Me: Do you find it hard dating in LA?
The Bitch: I don’t date men from LA.
Me: I can certainly understand that. You have to import and export. But you never know yo might find some hidden gems. (YOu bitter, smug bitch…) OF course i didn’t say the last part but I thought it!
The Bitch: It sounds like you really need to develop your character if you see her on TV. She has to have a flaw. What do you think your character flaw would be? That’s what makes for interesting TV.
I gave her the most condescending tap on the shoulder I could give. Gave her a fake smile and said.
ME: Again, check out the blog and you’ll see.
The Bitch: Do you want to get married again?
Me: Absolutely. But I want to make sure it’s with the right person. And I definitely want to have kids one day.
Then she did what single people should never do to each other. She looked at me with such judgment. That’s another one of my biggest pet peeves. Don’t look down on women who want to be married and have kids. There’s nothing wrong than that. That does not make you any less of a modern day women than the next women. I believe it is possible to have it all. The husband, the kids, and the career. I remember when I used to be a cheerleader in high school my mother certainly made it to most of my games. Business suit and heels on cheering in the stands. That’s the kind of mother and wife I plan to be. I can’t stand when a woman who for whatever reason hasn’t been married and hasn’t had children try to make you feel like wanting that is unrealistic. Or you are betraying Singledom by wanting to transition over to married life and have kids. This woman was literally trying to blow apart all of what I was trying to accomplish and want in life from the blog, to marriage, to wanting kids. What the hell?
To Be Continued…
When you go through a divorce there are questions people will inevitably ask.
How long were you married?
Did you have kids?
Do you ever see you ex-husband?
Is he remarried?
And the question of all questions…
What did you do with your ring?
Anyone who reads my blog knows I never go into much detail about my ex-husband and my marriage. And I do that on purpose because this blog isn’t about bashing my ex-husband. We both contributed to the ending of our marriage. I never want to come off like some victim. It takes two to tango. And I am so thankful that we were able to part ways without having any kids together! Praise God!!! And I will continue to keep the details of my marriage off of this blog. There is a line of intimacy that even I will not cross. Anyway… I digressed already! LOL! But I will share this, when I got divorced, giving up my wedding rings was the hardest thing I had to do. For many reasons, they were absolutely beautiful. Giving them up represented the end of a dream. I wasn’t interested in turning them into a pendant or any shit like that because it would be a constant reminder of a dream that ended in a nightmare. So instead, I got my dream car. A convertible Dolphin Gray Audi. I named her Freedom. And I LOVED that car. Driving through Southern California with your convertible top down on a sunny 80 degree day is the most freeing thing ever. And just like my marriage, the first few years were beautiful. Then slowly but surely the damn car began to breakdown. Every other month it was something. If it wasn’t the timer belt, it was a hose in the engine rusting, or the motor that operates the convertible top breaking down. And I finally reached my breaking point where I would go to the car and pray the damn thing started! And just like my marriage, from the outside looking in the car was a beauty, but little by little it was breaking down. IT got to a point where each time I walked out to the car, instead of looking at it with loving eyes and excitement; I wanted to kick the damn thing! So I finally turned that sucker in and bought a brand new car! Ironically I had my Audi for almost 5 years and my relationship with my ex husband from start to finish lasted for 5 years. I had officially cut the ties. When I got in my brand new SUV and drove off the lot I had a different feeling. I had a feeling of completeness, contentment, and most of all confidence. I reflected on my life over the last 5 years and the lessons I learned. When I was going through my divorce, someone told me that I would one day look back on that time and be so grateful for the experience. When she told me that I looked at her like she had two heads? I thought to myself, “This bitch must be taking crack or be high off of her St. John’s Wart pills. This experience sucks! She has no idea what she’s talking about.” However, as I drove off the lot I truly got it. So for my first post of 2014 I want to share with you what the last five years have taught me…
Always Have Your Own Money
When my marriage ended, I was blessed to have a great career where I could afford to move out on my own. There are so many women who are in bad marriages and stay because they do not have an option. Always make sure you have an option and you have your own.
Don’t be too prideful to lean on your Family and Friends during your time of weakness
This speaks for itself. My family and friends were there for me. I could call them at all hours of the day and night to talk. They kept me strong in my time of weakness. But most of all I allowed them to be there for me during that time. Do not crawl into a cocoon. You are NOT alone. This is the time when family and friends are most important. They will love you and keep you strong during the good times and especially during the bad. Most importantly do not misdirect your anger at the situation towards them. Use them as a crutch.
I Am Capable of Loving Someone Unconditionally and Passionately
As painful as my divorce was for me, I appreciated that I had so much love in me to give. I will NOT give my ex the power over me by not loving the next man even more. I will not become a Bitter Betty. Knowing I have so much love in me is actually exciting because when I meet the right man, my goodness, he will be LOVED. The key is giving that love to someone who is deserving.
I Am Much Stronger Than I Thought
When I was going through my divorce, my mother told me, “You have earned your woman battle scars.” In life, you’re going to go through some shit. Divorce, is much like a death. It is the death of a dream, a death of what you thought your life would be, and a death of who you once were. Picking up the pieces and starting over again was so damn hard. But I got through it. Every day I got stronger. Every day I gained more clarity. Every day I looked in the mirror and started to see the new me.
It is tempting to stay in the bed, not do your hair, put on sweat pants and walk around looking like Bernadine in Waiting to Exhale. But no matter what, when you leave your house, make sure you look like a million bucks even if you feel like two cents inside. Eventually you will wake up and realize it’s not an effort to do the little things and you will feel like you actually look. But until that day happens force yourself to have your paparazzi public image. The worse thing is running into your ex looking a hot ass mess!!!
Stay off Social Media
When you are at you lowest of low points, that’s when you go on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter and all the engagements, weddings, pregnancies, and new babies are announced. No one announces they are going through ha shitty divorce on Facebook… Go figure. Trust me when I say this, stay away from social media until you are strong enough to handle it. Most of all do not under any circumstances check out what is going on with your ex. You will not be in the frame of mind to receive that. Delete and block friendships with his close friends. Unfortunately, when you go through a divorce the line in the sand is drawn. His friends are his friends and your friends are your friends. You must wait must wait until you are mentally ready to receive this information. If you aren’t you WILL end up having a moment.
A close friend of mine is one of the most positive people on the planet. She runs marathons, she gets up at 5:30 in the morning and does these massive 50 mile plus bike rides, and she is always smiling. Her secret… BE OPEN. When it comes to dating she is constantly reminding me to be open. She reminds me that each experience is part of the journey that makes you stronger and shapes who you are in the relationship with your soul mate. She reminds me that the right man will come when it’s the right time. But to constantly be open during the journey.
Listen To Your Inner Loving Diva
This is the most important lesson. We all have intuition or as I call it my Inner Loving Diva. We know when something just ain’t right. We sense it. It’s that thought that we push down but it constantly keeps reappearing. Listening to my inner loving diva has been my guiding light.
I’m sure I’m leaving out a few other lessons I learned but these are the biggies. As 2014 starts perhaps some of you are in the middle of a bad break up or divorce. And you will read this with the same frame of mind I had 5 years ago when someone told me I would appreciate the experience. But trust me there is light at the end of the tunnel. And some of you might have gotten to the other side of the journey and are ready to start fresh with your new insights. Either way my wish for all of my readers is that 2014 brings you an abundance of the love and happiness you so deserve. Don’t worry; I am not turning this blog into an airy fairy collection of posts. I have plenty dating foolery to catch you up on. But I figured I would start on a positive note for 2014.
Happy New Year!!!!