I know I am a day late and dollar short with this #mondaymemo. However I am still going to post it while it’s fresh on my mind. For #mondaymemos I typically get questions and topics from my loyal readers and write on them. But after the week I had, I am going to use my own recent experience for today #Mondaymemo. As you all know, I was in the middle of a serious dating depression (DD) last week. Sometimes you get to a point where you just get so TIRED of being hopeful and getting nothing in return. Let me be very clear, if I wanted to be in a relationship just to say I have a man, please know and believe I could be. There are PLENTY of options out there. And if you are a loyal reader to my blog you already know that I do not have any problems finding/meeting men. Hell… if I wanted to be married I could still be married and living a lie. But thankfully my guardian angels were looking out for me and removed me from that situation.
I do not say that to brag and boastful. But it is just a fact. Sometimes I think society has the wrong impression that when a woman, in particular a black woman is single it means that she doesn’t date or can’t find a date. That she is single because she doesn’t have options and choices. Guess what… surprise… surprise… there are a few of us out there that are single because we choose to be single and not get in a relationship where we aren’t happy just so that we can say we have a man! Sometimes we are single because we choose our own happiness over bullshit. However, if you have been single for a certain amount of time and you decide not to settle, not to put up with unnecessary bullshit, and date on your own terms, you might get to a point where you reach your breaking point. You just get tired of the same shit on different days when it comes to relationships and romance. And last week I certainly reached mine. But as you know, it’s not about the fall, it’s about how you get back up. I cannot say I am at 100% just yet, but I am slowly re-emerging from the darkness and feeling a glimmer of hope. But sometimes you just gotta go with the motions and let the cards fall where they may. So here is my advice if you happen to be in the midst of a DD (dating depression).
Acknowledge that you are feeling down. Allow yourself to go through that emotion. As single women, we are trained to be strong and not let the outside world know when we are actually feeling down and out about being single or not meeting the right guy. It’s okay! And it’s normal. Sometimes it’s okay for a single gal to have a good cry.
Recognize the feeling is only temporary. It will pass..
Don’t become an emotional eater! I know I can be vain when it comes to my weight. But seriously… you do not want to put yourself in a situation where you eat now and pay later. Have one cheat day and be cognizant if you happen to find yourself over eating.
Don’t become a stick figure either! That’s the opposite of the emotional eating. Sometime when we are down and out we find it difficult to eat. And that can be a great diet… LOL! But you do not want to get to a point where you start looking like a crack head. I’m just sayin’!
Allow yourself to be around friends- I really wanted to stay in my house and listen to Sade and drink a bottle of wine. But of course, my girlfriends were not having it. They made me get up and meet them for brunch and go to their house for cocktails. Get out and be around your friends. The laughter you will experience is automatic therapy to the soul.
Enlist the help of your “Sponsors”- It’s okay to talk about it! You do not have to suffer in silence. I have 4 “go-to” girlfriends that I can talk about this kind of thing with and not feel judged. I also know they have the best intentions and want the best for me. At the same time you have to be very careful who you select as your “sponsors.” You do not want to talk to your friend that tells her man EVERYTHING! There are some women who do not respect the GIRL CODE and feel the best way to get close to their man is to tell all of the girls’ business. You also do not want to have a heart to heart with a Bitter Betty. You will leave that conversation worse off than you started and hate on all men. That’s the last thing you want. We all know that saying Misery loves company.
Do things that make you happy. When I am going through a DD I know a trip to an art museum always lifts my spirits. I also know a trip to my acupuncturist has a way of hitting all of those pressure points that are making me feel down.
Stay off social media! When you are in the midst of a dating depression I can assure you that when you go on social media and you see engagement announcements, wedding pictures, and new born baby photos. While you are genuinely happy for your friends. It only exacerbates the depression you are feeling. Once you are out of the darkness you will be able to receive these gorgeous pictures from a happy place.
Don’t let your pride rule your actions. I m a true Leo. You look up the Leo sign in an astrology book and my picture is next to the description of a Leo woman. I have allowed my pride to guide me on so many different situations. There comes a point in life where you have to put your ego aside and follow your heart. There are a lot of miserable folks in the world that allowed their Pride to get in the way of what they really desired.
Last and certainly not least. You must, under all circumstances FOLLOW YOUR HEART. When I was going through my divorce I had well meaning friends who wanted the best for me. They were full of “advice” and “words of wisdom” on what I should do and what I shouldn’t do. And now, I look at some people in the same situation years later and I am flabbergasted by the hypocrisy of what they told me I should do back then and what they are doing now, So that made me realize that with any situation I need to do what is best for me and follow my own heart.
Like I said, I am still working through my current DD. I am feeling better each day. But I know I am not the only single gal who every once in a blue moon gets a case of the blues. It’s nice to know you’re not alone when those dark days hit you like a ton of bricks. We single gals have to lift each other up during those times when we are feeling down and out and not sure if we can continue down this dating journey. One of my loyal readers said it best:
Days come and go. It is worth today’s hopelessness to have tomorrow’s joy. I don’t know why timing sucks! I do know that you will appreciate your guy so much and cherish him even more than you think you possibly can, because of these wiggly, furry, ugly, antennas out and all over the place, caterpillar days. Then a few years into your relationship, when you want to blow up because of some character flaw of his, you’ll remember why, of all of the ones that came and went quickly, you chose this one. And you will be firm and kind and intact. I PROMISE!!
This is probably going to be one of the shortest posts I have ever written! I’m going to be completely transparent… Not like I haven’t been before. But I am not having a happy go lucky dating moment. I know dating is a gamble. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. I am very clear on that concept. But at what point do you decide that you no longer want to play the game? How many disappointments and dating disasters can one person take?! I always want to be hopeful when I write my blog. I do NOT want to turn into a Bitter Betty. I had two choices today. I could not write anything at all and just leave my loyal readers wondering, “Where the fuck did she go? She hasn’t written a new post in two damn weeks!” But a part of me feels a responsibility to my loyal readers. I can’t start something and not finish it. From the very beginning of the inception of this blog I vowed I would be authentic and true to my readers. As you all know I do not tell y’all EVERYTHING… There are certain things that do not need to be documented on the internet! But I leave myself open so that you can learn from my experiences. And as you all know I try to be positive and hopeful. I try to live in the moment and go with my feeling. But every once in a while, after years of hopefulness only to end up back at square one a single girl gets tired. And ladies… and nosy men… At the moment I am feeling a little deflated and slightly hopeless. And I apologize, but I’m not sure if I can continue down this dating road and handle another disappointment. I do not have an interesting post or dating story to share because this one I am holding close to my heart. Now don’t be confused, I’m not going to start emotionally eating so when I get out of this DD (dating depression) I am a hot ass fat mess and no one will date me. I’m also not walking around looking like Ceely from the Color Purple (you already know my motto… If you feel like 2 cents on the inside always leave the house looking like $2 million). But sometimes, every once in a blue moon even a self proclaimed hopeful, positive Serial Dater has a moment of dating depression…
Bear with me because I am having an extremely sappy moment. I don’t know if it is because I am sitting at my favorite spot in Martha’s Vineyard overlooking the ocean and hanging out with my family on vacation, or perhaps seeing my picture and my blog featured in the September Issue of Essence magazine, or the new beginnings of something that could be special (as you all know, I do not write about men I am currently interested in), but I am feeling really good! So bear with me as I take break from my usual dating foolery and reflect on the happiness I am experiencing. Some of you may or may not have known, I turned 37 last Wednesday, I can’t believe it because in my own mind I feel like I am stuck at 27. At least that’s what I like to think when I look at myself in the mirror. But 37 kinda crept up on me. If you are a loyal follower to my blog, you will remember last year for my bday I was feeling a little down and out. (refer to: http://confessionsofaserialdaterinla.com/2013/08/the-four-year-itch/). To be honest, last year I was frustrated with life in general, I was thinking about all of the things I thought I would have by 36 and all the things I wanted and it took 15 year old girls (ironically on Martha’s Vineyard) to make me realize what a great life I had. However, thankfully at 37 my mind is in such a different place. I am learning to appreciate where I am in life and enjoy each moment instead of reflecting on the past and worrying about what will become of my future.
While making a run to Bed, Bath, and Beyond, I noticed the prettiest butterfly landing on a leaf. Anyone who knows me, is fully aware I don’t fuck with bugs! I do not find them cute, I do not find them interesting, I find them annoying as all hell! But this particular day the beauty of the butterfly caught me off guard and i started to get why people are fascinated by these moths… Hey don’t be mad at me, a butterfly is essentially a moth! A few days later, I was rushing to work and as I was turning the key to lock my door, I noticed another butterfly landing on the flowers in front of my spot. In the midst of my rushing I took a second to look at it. This butterfly had the prettiest pattern on it’s wings. And there was such gracefulness to the flutter of the wings. And went about my day. I noticed that I was learning to take moments to stop and look at things I had never payed attention to before. I wasn’t sure if we always had these butterflies flying around and I was noticing it, or if there was a sudden increase in butterflies around LA. But I was noticing them and was fascinated by them.
For my birthday I decided to have a party to celebrate my birthday. Every year I do a toast. It’s my Thang! This year as I blew out my birthday candles and made a wish. I looked around the room and felt the love around me. I had friends from all walks of life. Some were new some were old. But each of them have made a difference in my life. And I could finally say after a six year journey I was finally really and truly happy. I had finally healed from the marriage, the divorce, the hurt and the pain of it all. And it wasn’t my “Fake it, till you make it happiness.” It was the real deal! I had finally gotten to a place in my life where I was experiencing true contentment and realizing how blessed I am.
Then I thought about the journey of the butterfly. Essentially they start off as caterpillar and spend most of their time in search of food. And they go through a series of stages in which the tough outer layer is released and new cuticles expands and then they develop their wing patterns and turn into a butterfly. (now I am really paraphrasing here… after all I am not a damn expert, but you get the drift). But I realized how I spent years of my life in search of something to fulfill me and make me feel whole. In search of something to make me happy, and feel free. And finally at the age of 37 I realized what I was searching for was always within me, but I had to go through the various stages to get to where I wanted to be. And it was within me the whole time. But in order to get my wings I had to go through the process.
There were times when I would be mad at myself and wonder, When will I truly be happy again? Why am I not over this? What is taking so long? There were times when the loneliness I felt was palpable. There were times when I would feel like it wasn’t fair. I had mapped out the life I thought I was supposed to have. According to my plans, I was supposed to still be married and have my 2.5 kids. You know that saying, The best way to make God laugh is to tell him YOUR plans. Now that my wings were fully formed and i was flying high. I was so thankful that MY plan ultimately was NOT fulfilled. And even crazier, I was so happy I went through what I went through. I now appreciated the journey I had to take . And I was also thankful I allowed myself to go through process and take the necessary time to heal so I could have fully formed wings to fly high through the pink skies…
In life you have to go through the process in order to heal and in order to grow so you can fly. We do not get to dictate how long that process will take. But one day you will wake up and start noticing things you never noticed before. You’ll notice the beauty of each sunset, the various colors of pinks and lavenders. You will wake up and notice butterflies flying around you and the beauty of them. You will realize the journey they had to take in order to get their wings and their beauty. And you will also notice they are marked and to me those markings tell a story that make them even more beautiful. and suddenly you realize you are living in the moment. And a butterfly isn’t just something you look at as an insect or a moth. Instead they become the fabric of a story. And you know they were once caterpillar searching for food so they could gain their wings. And they couldn’t skip that part of the process. And then step by step, moment by moment they become a beautiful butterfly flying high, pretty, and effortless.
Do not worry… I am not becoming an airy fairy blogger. But every once in a while, it’s good to relish in happiness.
Hello My Loyal Readers! I have good news and bad news….
I kicked off my birthday week with a great party (my birthday is Wednesday). The wine was over flowing, the food was abundant, the guest list was spectacular. The wine was flowing… the wine was flowing…
I am slightly hungover and cannot write an intelligent response to today’s #MondayMemos. Did I mention the wine was flowing…
I will be back with #MondayMemos next Monday with a great topic!
P.S.- Did I mention… the wine was flowing…
LOL! Make it a great week!
Love is in the air! One of my close girlfriend’s got married 2 weeks ago. Yes, we lost another member of the Single Girls Club. But we lost her to an amazing man. Seeing the two of them together makes me know if it possible not to settle. You can and will meet your soul mate if you are willing to be patient and wait for the right man and if you keep the faith that it will actually happen. You know the best way to make God laugh… tell him YOUR plans! Wow… I’m digressing already. It’s just so refreshing to be around two people who genuinely love each other. When the couple said their vows to each other (they wrote their own) I do not think there was a dry eye in the vineyard. And speaking o the Vineyard, the location was magical. The key to a great wedding outside of the couple, venue, food, open bar (a must), and the guest list is the music. If all of those elements are in place the wedding is destined to be a memorable event. And this wedding was nothing short of just that, a great celebration.
But there is a point at every wedding that makes me have a slight anxiety attack… The bouquet toss. When I was 12 years old, my uncle got married. And me being young and competitive even at that age, decided to go out in the middle of the floor with the rest of the single ladies for the bouquet toss. Yes, my 12 year old ass was out on the floor waiting to catch the bouquet. And low and behold, to the dismay of the older single ladies who were out on the floor, I caught it! I did a victory dance and celebrated my victory. I was going to be the next person to get married! Did I mention I was only 12?!
I didn’t notice the rolling of eyes and disdain on the other single women until a manicured finger tapped my shoulder. I turned around and it was my Aunt. My aunt was a true diva! As a matter of fact, this was the aunt who inspired me to move to LA when I was just young. She worked in the entertainment industry and had many stories to tell about the stars back in that day. She owned every piece of Louis Vuitton luggage you could imagine and she had presence. AND she always had a mouth on her. You haven’t been cussed out until you get cussed out by my Auntie! And she will do it with class. Just to give you an idea of her personality, back in the day, when we went to pick her up from the airport (pre 9/11 days when you could greet people at the actually gate). She walked off the plane in a fur coat with her Louis Vuitton luggage in tow. And she overheard a French woman speaking to her friend in French about her disapproval of her wearing a fur coat. Little did that woman know my Aunt spoke French fluently, my aunt walked over to her and Read her in French. I still remember to this day, they woman’s jaw dropping. It was a scene straight out of a Jackie Collins novel. Anyway, I say all that to make a point. My auntie did not have a filter and said whatever was on her mind. Even to a little 12 year old! When she tapped me on my shoulder, I turned around to see her annoyed face, I knew I was about to get in trouble for something.
Auntie: Give me back that bouquet!
Auntie: You are only 12 years old! The bouquet toss is for the single woman. You are fucking up a sacred tradition!
I knew better than to argue with grown folks. So I reluctantly handed over the bouquet. My aunt marched over to the DJ and had them do it again and I sat my twelve year old ass on the side lines and watched grown woman tackle each other in their Sunday best and fight until someone came up victorious with the bouquet. Later that evening, my Uncle’s wife gave me her bouquet and I got my picture holding it.
So… what is the point of me rambling on and on about this bouquet? Well, the point is, from that moment on; I understood the sacredness of the bouquet toss. Single women lived for it. BD (before divorce) I was one of the single hopeful women that would march onto the dance floor in hopes that I would catch the bouquet and have the good luck to know I would get married next. Even once I was engaged and married I enjoyed watching the single ladies go up for this tradition. It’s always touched my heart.
However, you know life. You know how various life events draw a line in the sand and you’re officially changed. Your life is divided into two parts “before the shit happened” and “After the shit happened.” And it didn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. It’s just life… happens.
AD (after divorce), I haven’t gone up for the bouquet toss. I revert back to that twelve year old little girl who understood the importance of women who had never been married having their moment of hope. That moment was sacred. So I sit in my chair and watch from the sidelines. And the inevitable happens. I get the looks from well meaning friends with the look of:
Why aren’t you going up there?
And I know it comes from a place of concern. They want to make sure I am okay. My anxiety doesn’t come from being sad about it, but it comes from knowing that I am going to have a minute of having to explain to someone why I am not going up to participate. And I don’t want to explain at a WEDDING that since my DIVORCE I no longer thought it was fair of me to go up for the toss. I had already experienced being a bride. In all actuality I was not single; I would never be single again. I am a divorcee. And please, Don’t cry for me Argentina. I am okay with that. I wear this badge with honor. I am thankful for the person I have become AD. And I know one day I will experience walking down the aisle again. I am also fully aware this is one of my own quirks. But for now, when you see me or any other woman who is divorced sitting on the sidelines during the bouquet toss portion of the wedding reception, don’t look at us with pity, don’t think we are having a sad moment. We are all good. But sometimes we divorcées like to give our single sistas their moment. Been there, done that… can write the book! LOL!
It’s that time again… #Mondaymemos. I have to put out my usual disclaimer. I AM NOT a dating expert. I can only give advice based on my own experiences with dating. So feel free to take the advice or if you completely disagree you can tell me to have several seats! LOL!
Subject my girls were talking about… dating a guy with a vasectomy 46 2 divorces 3 kids but makes over 200k wants a life partner 5″6 and wants to travel the world with her really nice guy that jumps into relationships too soon would you date him for the fun and experience…
There are so many twists and turns to this topic/question. So I am going to dissect it piece by piece and then draw my full conclusion.
Dating a guy with a vasectomy.
In recent years I have made it a point to ask a man from the very beginning of a relationship how he feels about having children. Especially when it is a man who is of a certain age who already has children. I NEVER ever thought that this would ever be something I had to think about when dating a man until I dated two not one but TWO men who were of a certain age and had children who were grown and they didn’t want more kids. I understand their position completely. However, it is MY belief when a man dates a woman of a certain age who does NOT have kids and wants to have them eventually, it is very selfish of a man to enter into a relationship and deny her of that gift. It’s one thing if the woman does not want children of her own and trust and believe there are plenty of women out there who do not want to have children or for whatever reason cannot have children. So that is a moot point. But if you are a woman who wants to have children one day and a man enters a relationship with you who is not willing to make that happen (if you are entering into a serious long term committed relationship) I would keep it moving. There are plenty of men out there who are willing and able to give you children and it is down right selfish for a man to deny you of that if that is something you want. Don’t be afaid to have the conversation.
46, 2 divorces, 3 kids but makes over $200K
The fact that he makes over $200K says to me that he can at least take care of his children. There’s nothing worse than a man who has children and does not take care of them. That is just downright trifling and shows he has a major character flaw. Also, I am assuming his 3 kids were from his marriages. I have no issue with a man having children but if he has 3 children from 3 different baby mommas and was never married… I’m looking at him with side eyes. To me that shows lack of commitment, and apparently a shortage of condoms. The fact that he has 2 divorces could be a little bit of a turn off, but again, shit happens in life. I never thought I would have been divorced so I have learned to never say never or judge someone else’s marital woes. There are two sides to every story. For all you know, his first marriage could have been when he was in his early 20’s and didn’t know any better, and his second marriage could have just been to the wrong person. At least he doesn’t have a fear of commitment. And you never know… the 3rd time could be the charm. But I would definitely get to the bottom of the multiple marriages and find out what the Tea is. Why did the marriages not last, what did he learn from it, what would he do differently, what is his expectation out of the relationship, etc. Don’t be afraid to have the conversation.
So he is a little man! LOL! Make sure he doesn’t have a Napoleon complex. I’m 5’8 without heels and typically wear heels so I stand at close to 6′ so I wouldn’t date a man that short. Nor do I have experience in dating a man that short. But I do find it funny that was part of the description.
Wants a life partner…Wants to travel the world with her…really nice guy that jumps into relationships too soon
What does that mean? Is that all he wants? Just a travel buddy who will travel the world, have sex with him, and then what? Life partner? Does that mean because he has been married before he doesn’t want to get married again and instead would just want a life partner not another wife? I am sure he is a nice guy, but what is he looking for? Don’t be afraid to have the conversation.
Would you date him for the fun and experience?
To sum this up, the answer to this question is twofold. If you are a women, who already has kids, doesn’t want to have any, and really isn’t interested in marriage. This man is an ideal candidate! You two can travel the world together and make a nice life for yourself. However, if you are a women who wants to have children or eventually wants marriage I would probably say keep it moving no matter how nice the guy is. Sometimes we as women get into relationships thinking we can change a man’s decision. What do I always say? When a man tells you who he is, what he wants, and what he doesn’t want believe him! The last thing you want to do is fall in love with a man who doesn’t want the same things as you do. It doesn’t make either one of you wrong or right, it just means you should reevaluate getting into a relationship if neither person is getting what they want out of it.
In short, my advice is don’t be afraid to have that uncomfortable conversation to make sure you are on the same page. It’s better to have it upfront before your are emotionally invested than to attempt to have it once feelings are involved. The theme for today’s #Mondaymemos is don’t be afraid to have the conversation.
Make it a great week ladies!!!!
I know it’s past the morning hours and this is was orginally called Monday Morning Memos. So I have revised the name to Monday Memos. It’s less pressure on me to get the post out in the morning. You know I am not a morning person by nature! LOL! But hey… better late than never.
And remember my disclaimer… I am not a dating expert. It’s the blind leading the blind. I can only give advice based on my own personal experiences and feelings. Enjoy!
Do you have any experience with secretive men? This seems to be a common type I come across. With some of them, they end up being complete cons (like leading a double life) but the one I’m seeing now is secretive, although he may not intend to be and probably isn’t hiding anything.
As a woman if you have dated long enough you will come across a secretive man. This is NEVER a good thing. I always found it interesting when I meet women who are dating a man who has said the following statement to them…
I’m not looking for anything serious. I just want to see where things go. I am not looking for a relationship.
If you are looking for the same thing then that’s fine. However, if you are looking for something serious and a man makes that statement RUN RUN RUN for the hills. Because he has told you who he is. And no matter what, you will catch feelings and eventually be disappointed when he isn’t giving you what you want out of the relationship. And inevitability you will end up having that uncomfortable conversation.
Woman: Where are we going? We have been together for (XXX amount of time) and I feel like this relationship isn’t going anywhere.
Secretive Man: I told you from the beginning I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I just want to see where things go.
And before you know it, you wake up and realize you have given this man 5+ years of your life and have no commitment from him because you didn’t listen to what he said from the beginning of the “relationship.” This is a true story. A woman I know was with a man who was secretive and made that statement and she wasted her GOOD years on a fool! I know some of you are wondering what the hell that has to do with the topic on hand! A LOT!
My point is when a man tells you who he is… BELIEVE him! Sometimes a mans actions speak even louder than his words. If you are dating a man for some time and you haven’t met his friends or family. You are more than likely the jump off or there is someone else that is hanging with the friends and meeting the family and that person is NOT YOU! The fact that you are even questioning it is your Inner Loving Diva trying to tell you that shit ain’t right! I do not know if women stick around with men like this because they think they are going to change or they feel like there is a shortage of men and you have to just date anyone that gives you the time of day… but that isn’t the case. NO amount of great sex, great cooking, and great conversation is going to change that man. If he doesn’t see you as someone he wants around his family and friends… He is not the one for you. Notice I didn’t say He’s Just Not That Into You. I hate that damn book! Because it implies that it’s something the woman has done that makes the man not be into you. And that’s not the case. A man not wanting to be with doesn’t have shit to do with who you are or your worth as a woman. Any way… I digressed.
So what do you do if you failed to listen to your Inner Loving Diva and you have now caught feelings for a “secretive” guy? Have an honest conversation. Face to face, not through text, and definitely not over the phone. Give him the opportunity to explain what’s going. Look him in the eye and get the answers you need. Not what you WANT to hear but what you NEED to make a wise decision. Before you have the conversation, you have to be willing and able to walk away if the explanation is not honoring who you are.
However, my dear, I have a sneaking suspicion you already know the Tea on this man! The time you are wasting on the “Secretive” man could be taking away from you dating the MOST important person in your life… YOURSELF! By dating Yourself and not being afraid to be alone you realize your self worth and never allow yourself to be in a situation where you are with a man who is not honoring who you are and shouting from rooftops, That’s my baby!!!
To answer your question… No, I do not have experience with dating “Secretive” men because when my Inner Loving Diva tells me something ain’t right, I keep it moving. It doesn’t mean I haven’t made other dating mistakes or fell for some other BS. As you will see in the conclusion of I Fell Off The Wagon (post coming later this week). I almost fell for the okie-doke! But when your intuition is telling you something follow it! You know this man isn’t right and you also know feeling like you are someone’s secret lover is not what you want. So do NOT push down the feeling. And keep it moving!