As most of my loyal readers know I have a tendency to be attracted to older men. Not too damn old. But I like a man who is in his mid-late 40’s. I have no idea what it is. And no, I do not have “Daddy” issues. I have always liked the presence of a distinguished man. I have been like this since I can remember. My first older male crush was… Oh boy… I can’t believe I am about to put this in writing… Billie Dee Williams. (Pause for laughter) I thought he was the epitome of a MAN. And then Harry Belafonte in Carmen Jones sent me over the edge. Lawd Jesus that just did it for me! So needless to say I like my men slightly older and distinguished a little salt and pepper in the hair never hurt nobody!
However, I recently discovered that even I have an age limit. Over the Christmas Holidays I went to a party with some girlfriends of mine at HOME in Beverly Hills. The crowd was… well it was an older crowd. But hell, it was the holidays and I can make the best of any situation. Besides, with an older crowd, comes older men. I looked around and saw a few guys that were somewhat attractive. One of my girlfriends had a sour look on her face.
Me: What’s wrong?
Girlfriend: The men in here are a little too north of 45.
Me: Well that’s a good thing!
I refused to allow her negativity to rub off on me. But as I looked around, I had to admit. She was absolutely right! But we stayed a while, had a few cocktails and made the best of the night. I spotted an attractive man standing on the opposite end of the restaurant. He was tall with broad shoulders, I only saw him from behind. But I’m also a sucker for a tall man with broad shoulders. Damn, I’m just a sucker! Luckily my other girlfriend knew the guy he was talking to. She is energetic and in a relationship so she had nothing to lose. Remind me to do a post about picking out your wing woman! “I’m going to find out who he is. Give me 2 minutes.” With that she walked across the room and greeted the guy she knew. And just as she promised 2 minutes later she signaled for me to come over and she introduced me to the guy. When he turned around, he was somewhat attractive. And I am a self professed vain bitch. The first step in fixing the problem is acknowledging that you actually have a problem. And being vain is certainly one of my issues. But there was something I just didn’t like about the shape of his mouth. It was nothing that a 3 year dental plan with Invisalign couldn’t fix. It’s not like his teeth were crooked, he just had a distinct over bite.
We had a great conversation though. He was a genuine guy. “Marvin” was a former football player and he played overseas for 15 years. He was now in the finance industry. I guessed he was about 47 years old. Of course he lived in New York but was visiting LA because he was considering moving to the west coast. My interest was certainly peaked.
We exchanged information and he sent me a text that same night.
It was great meeting you. To be continued…
Okay! I liked this brutha’s follow through. Note to all nosy men reading this blog. There is nothing pressed about sending a woman a text the same night you meet them. As a matter of fact we appreciate it and welcome it! Show some damn interest! Anyway… I digressed. The following day “Marvin” called me and asked me out to lunch before he headed out of town. Of course I accepted. We met up at Mi Piace in Old Pasadena. Of course I was running my usual 10 minutes late. When I arrived he stood up to greet me and gave me a hug. He was nice and tall. There’s nothing like being hugged by a man who is 6’3 and above. You just feel so damn protected and secure. It is also nice going out with a man who is much taller than you. I don’t have to put in any effort trying to figure out if I can wear my highest heel without looking like an Amazon woman. ”Marvin” was 6’5. IT was really nice getting a hug from him, Not to mention he had a nice chest. I could tell he worked out. But that overbite was really irking me! Of course my inner loving diva had to chime in.
Monique just stop! Give the guy a chance. Teeth can be fixed. At least he is tall. Would you rather date a short midget with perfectly straight teeth? Besides it’s not like they are crooked. You’re being a vain bitch!!!!!
With that I mentally slapped myself and decided to give Bucky Beaver a chance. After all he was a nice guy. The conversation flowed nicely. He told me about what it was like living in France all those years as a professional athlete. I liked the fact that he was well cultured. When he retired from life as an athlete he opened his own mortgage company. And when the economy crashed and he had to close his company he decided to go back to school and get his MBA. Now he was working with another mortgage company. ”Marvin” was divorced with 2 grown kids. I could appreciate the fact that he stayed on his grind. Then of course the topic of relationships came up. It’s always the inevitable on a first date.
Marvin: So what’s a woman like you doing single? You seem like such a catch.
I absolutely hate that question.
ME: I’m holding out for the right person. As you know, once you go through a divorce you don’t ever want to go through it again.
Marvin: I hear you on that. I’m the same say.
Me: How long were you married?
Marvin: I was married for 16 years.
Me: Oh wow. That’s a long time. How long have you been divorced?
Marvin: I’ve been divorced for 8 years.
Me: Have you had any serious relationships since the divorce?
Marvin: I have. I actually just ended a 6 year relationship.
Me: Six years?! Wow!
Then I took a pause and did the math in my head. Wait one damn minute!
Married- 16 years
Divorced- 8 years
In A Relationship- 6 years
Total= 30 years
Of course my mouth operates faster than I think and I blurted out.
ME: Well damn! How old are you?!
Marvin started cracking up! Well at least the brutha could appreciate my sense of humor and wasn’t easily offended. He took a long pause…
Marvin: I’ll put it to you this way. I’m over 47 and under 53.
Me: Oh so you’re 52?
Marvin: Not yet.
Marvin: You’re fast with that math!
I looked at him dead in his face. And suddenly he did look his age. He was definitely an older man. A handsome older man… with an overbite. But he was distinguished. Could I date a man that old? Hell, there’s something to be sad about being the young wife to an older man. He would always adore you and look at you as his young tender roni. I didn’t realize I had drifted into Neverland until Marvin snapped me out of it.
Marvin: Are you cool?
ME: Yeah. I’m fine.
Marvin: Do you have a problem with my age?
ME: It is a significant age difference… Let me ask you this, are you open to having more kids… And don’t get me wrong, I do not have my wedding gown in my purse but these are things I need to know. You already have 2 grown kids.
After my last experience with the fatso who was adamant about not wanting any kids after we were dating for a few months this is a questions I needed to know.
Marvin: Absolutely. That would be selfish of me to date a woman your age who doesn’t have kids and expect her to not want to have any of her own.
ME: Well, that’s good to know.
We finished the date; I noticed “Marvin” paid the bill with cash. Now my loyal readers know that is usually a signal when a man pays for the date with cash. It’s not a red flag but it definitely makes my attenas go up.
1- He’s like to carry cash around because he’s old school.
2- HE might be married and/or in a serious relationship where he can’t have a record of being out on a date
3- HE’s flat broke and doesn’t have a bank account or good enough credit to get a credit card.
I already knew “Marvin” wasn’t married because we shared a mutual acquaintance. SO it was either 1 or 3. Time would tell…
“Marvin” walked me to my car. We stopped in front of my car. And he bent down to kiss me. The 51 ½ year old with the overbite leaned forward and gave me a nice kiss. Okay… Not bad… Not great.. the earth didn’t move and I didn’t see stars, but at least I didn’t want to throw up!
I got in my car and was in deep thought as I drove home. Could I date a man that much my senior. Hell… Michael Jordan was 51 and he looked good. He just had twins with his new wife who was my age. One of my mentors was married to a man who was 16 years older than her. She seemed happy. But he was a young older man. And he was a successful entertainment attorney. “Marvin” was a young older man. I think his overbite is was turned me off more than his age. “Marvin” called me later that day as he was heading to the airport. We made plans to see each other when I went back east for the holidays. You know me, if the date isn’t a total nightmare I Will give the guy another date. I usually get all the information I need on the second date.
I had time to ponder… Could I date a man that much older than me? My mind flashed images of Billy Dee Williams in his hayday and Harry Belafonte kissing Dorothy Dandridge in Carmen Jones. Hmmmmmm…. Decisions… Decisions… Something in my spirit was telling me something just wasn’t adding up, something just wasn’t right about this man and it was more than just his age and dental situation…..
To be continued….
I acknowledge my list of things that urks the shit out of me is growing at a rapid pace. I am not sure if this is because my patience level is thinning as I age or if I am just more acutely aware of my pet peeves. Am I the only one that hates to hear these phrases come out of a woman’s mouth or man’s mouth on Valentine’s Day:
I don’t see the point in Valentine’s Day; a man should show you he loves you every day.
I hate Valentine’s Day.
Are you doing anything special today? (Especially when it is coming from someone who knows your single)
I’m spending Valentine’s Day alone again!
Valentine’s Day is just another Holiday to make people spend their money. It’s about making money for the stores.
Typically these comments come from women who have been brain washed by their cheap mates, who are single and depressed about it, or who are trying to impress a guy they just met by making them believe they are different than most women. I personally love Valentine’s Day. I love everything about it. I love wearing my pink; I love the idea of spending a day acknowledging LOVE. For those folks who bash the Holiday, I look at them similarly to how I look at those assholes who attempt to downplay marriage and having a family.
I woke up feeling extra grateful and full of love as well as full of possibilities! There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single on Valentine’s Day. As a matter of fact it should be a day spent loving yourself and where you are in life. Or even practicing for when the right man comes. Why not cook yourself a romantic meal and buy yourself an expensive bottle of wine, light some candles, and enjoy the LOVE you have for yourself. If you’re in a relationship instead of bashing the holiday embrace it. Celebrate the idea you have found someone to spend the Holiday with who loves you every day, but doesn’t mind taking an extra day to show how much they care about you.
Love is a beautiful thing and should be celebrated! I am some grateful for the LOVE my readers have shown me. Happy Valentine’s Day lovers!
P.S. A new tale of dating foolery coming next week. I couldn’t in good consciousness write a blog about the dating foolery on Valentine’s Day!
I know I am a little late posting this conclusion. But better late than never!
As if she hadn’t already insulted me enough. And been way too intrusive on my personal life. This bitch then put the nail on the coffin.
The Bitch: Well if I were you I would certainly consider getting your eggs frozen to be on the safe side.
I couldn’t believe that this bitch had the audacity to say that to me. Last time I checked she didn’t keep a calendar of when I was ovulating! Last time I checked there are plenty of women who are having kids in their late 30’s early 40’s. So once again, I turned it back on her. Since this bitch was all in my Kool Aid I was going to get in hers.
ME: Why didn’t you have your eggs frozen?
The Bitch: Well you seem to want to give birth to your own children. For me that wasn’t important but back then they didn’t have that option available.
When I got in my car and headed over the hill to my home. I was perplexed, annoyed, pissed off, and confused by the conversation. First of all I thought that I was going to end up having another mentor. Another fabulous single woman who was older than me that I could bounce ideas off. Instead, I got a rude, judgmental bitch. And for a nano second I started to wonder if my blog was good enough. If I was just another 1 in a 1,000,000 relationship bloggers trying to make a name for myself. I thought about the dating scene. That maybe my time was ticking. And I began to freak the fuck out. I literally had a panic attack. Sweating and heart palpitations and all. I had to pull over and get myself together!
After taking deep calming breaths I concluded that she was just a miserable woman who was having a bad day. I also concluded that perhaps she looked at my hopefulness and realized that her possible cynicism was what lead to her ultimately being mean, alone, and judgemental. I concluded that I would never allow myself to become that woman. The very thing that has prevented me from becoming a Bitter Betty is the belief that I will meet my true soul mate. The thing that makes my blog interesting is because it comes from a place of hopefulness not a place of male bashing and cynicism. I realized this woman was brought into my life as an example of what not to be. And I am thankful for that. And with that I brushed off our chance encounter and made the executive decision to never reach out to her ass again. IF I saw her in public I would keep it moving!
The only interesting thing she did point out is that when I am creating a character I have to think about how that character is flawed. No character is perfect. Since I am the main character in blog I thought long and hard about what my tragic flaw was. What made me imperfect? If I was honest with myself I had a long list.
1- I had recently put on a few extra pounds (thank God I got the flu and was able to lose them). GOD is good!
2- I really didn’t need that expensive leather skirt I recently purchased. That could have gone towards something more practical.
3- I cussed like a sailor.
4- I drink like a fish.
5- I don’t know how to say no to a good party/ event until my body shut down with the flu.
6- I’m always running late.
Then as I finished washing my face and was patting my face dry. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I looked in the mirror. At my blond highlighted hair and I realized I was Goldilocks! I was the fucking black Goldilocks! And that bitch I encountered was the big bad wolf there to blow my house down! Granted I know these are two different fairy tales but when you combine it all together it’s the same damn thing. Think about it. When it came to dating, I always found something wrong (justifiably) but it was always something. I recently didn’t return a phone call to a man I had met because I didn’t like the shape of his finger nails. I swear I did. What that fuck was my problem? The men I dated were comparable to the porridge that Goldilocks just didn’t like! Perhaps I was finding things wrong in guys because I had built up a house made of straw when I was married and the reality of the big bad wolf had huffed and puffed and blew that house down. Then over the last few years, post divorce I felt like I had built a house of sticks with all the bad dates. Each one being blown to shreds before I real relationship could start. But now I had finally built a house made of brick. I was confident and knew what I wanted. The big bad wolf attempted to blow this house down and was unsuccessful. However, in an effort to make sure the big bad wolf didn’t come to blow this house down, perhaps I had built up a brick wall to protect myself. That’s why I was always finding something wrong. That was my tragic dating flaw. We all have them. One flaw doesn’t make another woman’s flaw less of a flaw. A flaw is a flaw. I stood in silence because this was a major epiphany for me. As open as I was, I was still indeed closed. It is time for me to maintain my brick house, but make sure I keep the curtains open so I can experience the sunshine, keep the windows open so I can experience the breeze. You can still have a strong brick house but if it is made with nothing but brick and you aren’t letting the sun and air in what is the purpose? What is your tragic dating flaw? This first step to fixing a problem is acknowledging that you actually have one. To know better is to do better.
I know it’s been a while. I got hit with the flu HARD last week. But I’m baaaaack! The Holiday season is a great time to catch up with family and friends you haven’t seen in a while. Of course when you haven’t seen folks for a while there is that inevitable question that always comes up. It’s the question that annoys the shit out of me. If you are a loyal follower you already know what it is… “Are you seeing anybody special? Are you dating anyone seriously?” URGH! Like I say, if those questions are followed with, “I have someone I want you to meet.” Then it is acceptable. If not, don’t ask. Trust me, when I meet my boo you will be the first to know! And I get it, I know it’s my own personal insecurity that alot of other single women share. BUt it is what it is. The other questions that come up are updates on what’s going on with some of the guys I dated. Since I have been slacking on my posts in the last few weeks inquiring minds want to know (don’t worry, detailed posts to follow). Now those are always fun discussions. But I began to recognize a pattern in my comments.
He was too fat…
He was too short….
He was too broke…
He was too arrogant…
He was too old…
He was too young…
He was too pressed…
He wasn’t showing enough attention…
As I was giving my detailed account of the various guys I went out with when I got to the last few comments. I saw the look on my mother and friends face shift. They tilted their head to the side and looked at me like I was crazy. And to be honest I couldn’t blame them.
His mouth was shaped weird…
He has a big head…
I didn’t like his hands…
My mother laughed and said, “My goodness… Another one bites the dust! I get some things being a deterrent, but his mouth? Come on! And a big head? Now you know you’re reaching!”
My other girlfriends said, “You can fix teeth.”
A week later I met up with some friends to catch the football game… also known as hang out at a sports bar and meet men! Just a side note, sports bars during football season are a great spot to meet men. Anyway I digressed. I got into a conversation with one of my girlfriend’s husbands. They are a couple that I love and admire. They really are friends and genuinely like each other and have a good time together. I think it is so important that the person you end up with is someone you love passionately but also someone who is your friend. They exemplified this concept. He and I got on the topic of relationships.
Girlfriend’s Husband: So what’s going on with the dating scene?
Me: Same shit different day. I’m really ready to settle down but I just want to make sure it is with the right person.
Girlfriend’s Husband: You definitely shouldn’t settle. You’re a catch. There’s no need for that.
Me: Thank you. I have to admit, most of the times the guys that are really into me I’m just not into them.
When I said that he gave me a look. Not a judgmental look but you know one of those looks where someone is about to say something but they catch themselves. Luckily, I trusted him enough to know I could allow him to go there without getting my feelings hurt. So I took a deep breath and prepared for what he had to say.
Me: What? Don’t worry I can handle it…
Girlfriend’s Husband: well, you should take a look at that to find out what that’s about. That’s a strong statement and you should think about where it stems from.
I took a sip of my wine and thought about what he said because he was right. I never really took a second to think about that. But it is a strong statement. You know what they say, a lot of times things come to you in threes. My 3rd sign happened a week later.
I headed over to my hairstylist. With the New Year in full swing I was ready to step outside the box. Instead of waiting for the summertime to go blonde I said, fuck it, why wait. 5 ½ hours later he spun me around in the chair and I was a blonde and I loved it. New Year… New Me. And don’t worry; it’s not Nene Leakes/ Mary J. Blige blonde either. I headed off to meet a friend of friend for drinks. I was slightly annoyed when my friend couldn’t make it at the last minute. After all, the last thing I wanted to was sit with someone I barely knew shooting the shit trying to fill time. But it was too late to cancel. I got to Mastro’s in Beverly Hills to meet with her. She was a 48 year old executive. She was stunning too. She was about 5’10, self assured, dressed to the nines, and when she entered the room she had presence. In other words, she was me 12 years from now! LOL! IF you can’t toot your own horn who will. :-) Or so I thought! She was an entertainment attorney for one of the top firms in LA. When she arrived she looked somewhat flustered and stressed out. And unlike me who was good at masking my emotions (at times… okay that might be an over statement!) she was not. She looked like she really didn’t feel like being bothered. Great! Just what I needed a bitch that thought she was doing ME a favor by meeting me. Guuuurl…. Please have several fucking seats. We sat down and she ordered a scotch and I ordered a glass of wine. And this bitch began interrogating me.
The Bitch: So what exactly do you do again?
I told her what I did and like most people, she seemed to softened up a bit when I told her what I did and which company I worked for.
The Bitch: Interesting.
Me: I’m also focusing on my blog.
The Bitch: What’s it about.
Me: It’s Sex and the City meets Los Angeles but in today’s world with all the added pressures of social media as well as dating after divorce.
The Bitch: That doesn’t sound very unique.
Me: Well perhaps you should read it first.
The Bitch: I hope you’re not offended but that been done already. How is it different than Being Marry Jane or Girlfriends, or even Scandal?
I took a deep breath. The old me would have cussed this bitch out. But the 36 year old me was calmed by my inner loving diva, Relax Monique. Perhaps this bitch had a bad day. I couldn’t believe that a bitch who hadn’t even read my blog had no fucking clue what it was about was comparing it to Being Mary Jane on BET. First of all, I don’t fuck or date married men like the character Gabrielle Union played on Being Mary Jane secondly, I had been married before, thirdly my blog shows that it not so damn hard to meet men and date and women don’t have to be fucking desperate. As much as I loved Scandal how the fuck could she compare my blog to Scandal last time I looked I wasn’t dating or fucking the POTUS! Just because I am black it doesn’t mean that I should be compared to every single black single woman on TV. Sorry for the rant! But she really pissed me off! Did I mention this bitch hadn’t even read my blog?
The Bitch: What are some of your posts about?
I proceeded to tell her about a few of them and her ass just sat there stone faced. So I decided to turn the line of questioning on her since she was all in my business.
Me: Well how about you? Are you single?
The Bitch: Yes.
Me: Have you ever been married?
The Bitch: No.
Me: Do you find it hard dating in LA?
The Bitch: I don’t date men from LA.
Me: I can certainly understand that. You have to import and export. But you never know yo might find some hidden gems. (YOu bitter, smug bitch…) OF course i didn’t say the last part but I thought it!
The Bitch: It sounds like you really need to develop your character if you see her on TV. She has to have a flaw. What do you think your character flaw would be? That’s what makes for interesting TV.
I gave her the most condescending tap on the shoulder I could give. Gave her a fake smile and said.
ME: Again, check out the blog and you’ll see.
The Bitch: Do you want to get married again?
Me: Absolutely. But I want to make sure it’s with the right person. And I definitely want to have kids one day.
Then she did what single people should never do to each other. She looked at me with such judgment. That’s another one of my biggest pet peeves. Don’t look down on women who want to be married and have kids. There’s nothing wrong than that. That does not make you any less of a modern day women than the next women. I believe it is possible to have it all. The husband, the kids, and the career. I remember when I used to be a cheerleader in high school my mother certainly made it to most of my games. Business suit and heels on cheering in the stands. That’s the kind of mother and wife I plan to be. I can’t stand when a woman who for whatever reason hasn’t been married and hasn’t had children try to make you feel like wanting that is unrealistic. Or you are betraying Singledom by wanting to transition over to married life and have kids. This woman was literally trying to blow apart all of what I was trying to accomplish and want in life from the blog, to marriage, to wanting kids. What the hell?
To Be Continued…
When you go through a divorce there are questions people will inevitably ask.
How long were you married?
Did you have kids?
Do you ever see you ex-husband?
Is he remarried?
And the question of all questions…
What did you do with your ring?
Anyone who reads my blog knows I never go into much detail about my ex-husband and my marriage. And I do that on purpose because this blog isn’t about bashing my ex-husband. We both contributed to the ending of our marriage. I never want to come off like some victim. It takes two to tango. And I am so thankful that we were able to part ways without having any kids together! Praise God!!! And I will continue to keep the details of my marriage off of this blog. There is a line of intimacy that even I will not cross. Anyway… I digressed already! LOL! But I will share this, when I got divorced, giving up my wedding rings was the hardest thing I had to do. For many reasons, they were absolutely beautiful. Giving them up represented the end of a dream. I wasn’t interested in turning them into a pendant or any shit like that because it would be a constant reminder of a dream that ended in a nightmare. So instead, I got my dream car. A convertible Dolphin Gray Audi. I named her Freedom. And I LOVED that car. Driving through Southern California with your convertible top down on a sunny 80 degree day is the most freeing thing ever. And just like my marriage, the first few years were beautiful. Then slowly but surely the damn car began to breakdown. Every other month it was something. If it wasn’t the timer belt, it was a hose in the engine rusting, or the motor that operates the convertible top breaking down. And I finally reached my breaking point where I would go to the car and pray the damn thing started! And just like my marriage, from the outside looking in the car was a beauty, but little by little it was breaking down. IT got to a point where each time I walked out to the car, instead of looking at it with loving eyes and excitement; I wanted to kick the damn thing! So I finally turned that sucker in and bought a brand new car! Ironically I had my Audi for almost 5 years and my relationship with my ex husband from start to finish lasted for 5 years. I had officially cut the ties. When I got in my brand new SUV and drove off the lot I had a different feeling. I had a feeling of completeness, contentment, and most of all confidence. I reflected on my life over the last 5 years and the lessons I learned. When I was going through my divorce, someone told me that I would one day look back on that time and be so grateful for the experience. When she told me that I looked at her like she had two heads? I thought to myself, “This bitch must be taking crack or be high off of her St. John’s Wart pills. This experience sucks! She has no idea what she’s talking about.” However, as I drove off the lot I truly got it. So for my first post of 2014 I want to share with you what the last five years have taught me…
Always Have Your Own Money
When my marriage ended, I was blessed to have a great career where I could afford to move out on my own. There are so many women who are in bad marriages and stay because they do not have an option. Always make sure you have an option and you have your own.
Don’t be too prideful to lean on your Family and Friends during your time of weakness
This speaks for itself. My family and friends were there for me. I could call them at all hours of the day and night to talk. They kept me strong in my time of weakness. But most of all I allowed them to be there for me during that time. Do not crawl into a cocoon. You are NOT alone. This is the time when family and friends are most important. They will love you and keep you strong during the good times and especially during the bad. Most importantly do not misdirect your anger at the situation towards them. Use them as a crutch.
I Am Capable of Loving Someone Unconditionally and Passionately
As painful as my divorce was for me, I appreciated that I had so much love in me to give. I will NOT give my ex the power over me by not loving the next man even more. I will not become a Bitter Betty. Knowing I have so much love in me is actually exciting because when I meet the right man, my goodness, he will be LOVED. The key is giving that love to someone who is deserving.
I Am Much Stronger Than I Thought
When I was going through my divorce, my mother told me, “You have earned your woman battle scars.” In life, you’re going to go through some shit. Divorce, is much like a death. It is the death of a dream, a death of what you thought your life would be, and a death of who you once were. Picking up the pieces and starting over again was so damn hard. But I got through it. Every day I got stronger. Every day I gained more clarity. Every day I looked in the mirror and started to see the new me.
It is tempting to stay in the bed, not do your hair, put on sweat pants and walk around looking like Bernadine in Waiting to Exhale. But no matter what, when you leave your house, make sure you look like a million bucks even if you feel like two cents inside. Eventually you will wake up and realize it’s not an effort to do the little things and you will feel like you actually look. But until that day happens force yourself to have your paparazzi public image. The worse thing is running into your ex looking a hot ass mess!!!
Stay off Social Media
When you are at you lowest of low points, that’s when you go on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter and all the engagements, weddings, pregnancies, and new babies are announced. No one announces they are going through ha shitty divorce on Facebook… Go figure. Trust me when I say this, stay away from social media until you are strong enough to handle it. Most of all do not under any circumstances check out what is going on with your ex. You will not be in the frame of mind to receive that. Delete and block friendships with his close friends. Unfortunately, when you go through a divorce the line in the sand is drawn. His friends are his friends and your friends are your friends. You must wait must wait until you are mentally ready to receive this information. If you aren’t you WILL end up having a moment.
A close friend of mine is one of the most positive people on the planet. She runs marathons, she gets up at 5:30 in the morning and does these massive 50 mile plus bike rides, and she is always smiling. Her secret… BE OPEN. When it comes to dating she is constantly reminding me to be open. She reminds me that each experience is part of the journey that makes you stronger and shapes who you are in the relationship with your soul mate. She reminds me that the right man will come when it’s the right time. But to constantly be open during the journey.
Listen To Your Inner Loving Diva
This is the most important lesson. We all have intuition or as I call it my Inner Loving Diva. We know when something just ain’t right. We sense it. It’s that thought that we push down but it constantly keeps reappearing. Listening to my inner loving diva has been my guiding light.
I’m sure I’m leaving out a few other lessons I learned but these are the biggies. As 2014 starts perhaps some of you are in the middle of a bad break up or divorce. And you will read this with the same frame of mind I had 5 years ago when someone told me I would appreciate the experience. But trust me there is light at the end of the tunnel. And some of you might have gotten to the other side of the journey and are ready to start fresh with your new insights. Either way my wish for all of my readers is that 2014 brings you an abundance of the love and happiness you so deserve. Don’t worry; I am not turning this blog into an airy fairy collection of posts. I have plenty dating foolery to catch you up on. But I figured I would start on a positive note for 2014.
Happy New Year!!!!
When I walked into The Village restaurant in Studio City I realized I was a few minutes early. So of course you know I ordered a glass of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc. I knew in my spirit that “Larry” just wasn’t right for me. But I wanted to be fair before I rushed into judgment. Earlier that week I was speaking to a mentor and a colleague of mine at a networking event. We got on the topic of dating.
Mentor: I think you’re too picky.
Me: Why do you say that?
Mentor: You only want to date black men, with college degrees, and who make just as much or more money than you. That drops you down to 5%. Then you want a man who is tall, that drops you down to 1%.
I found it interesting that he would have the audacity to say this to me given he was a tall, African American man, who was married to a homely white woman from Iowa. I wanted to grab his ear and twist it and scream, “You are 80% of the problem!” But I didn’t. Then my colleague chimed in.
Colleague: You have to realize most men do not make as much money as you. My husband does not have a college degree and he does not make as much money as I do. But he loves me and is a great father to my kids.
I found her statement interesting because her husband was tall and fine. So it felt like an even exchange.
Me: You all don’t give me enough credit. I’m not that picky.
I sat at The Village waiting for “Larry” and replaying this conversation in my mind. I started to second guess myself and the expectations I had about who my future mate should be. Maybe I was too picky. Then my inner loving diva chimed in. “Stop beating up on yourself. You’re giving this guy a chance. You do not have to settle to be happy. When it’s right you’ll know it.” Then I also thought about my girlfriend telling me to stay open. It funny how many thoughts run through my mind when I am forced to sit still in silence. “Larry” finally walked into the restaurant. He was a handsome man. Once again he was wearing a great suit. You know I can appreciate a man in a nice suit.
Larry: Sorry I was running late. It’s a crazy time of year for us at the office.
Me: No worries. I just got here myself. How’s everything going?
Larry: All is well. Business is just so slow these days. And you know I’m commission only so I need to get on my grind or else I won’t make any money.
For the love of God why did he have to bring that up again?! It’s only our second date, I don’t need to know about how business is slow and you only work on commission. That is a turn off. The waitress came to our table to ask us what to order. And I swear, I was looking at the price of each entrée because I was worried he couldn’t afford it since he was already bitching about how slow business was. Have you ever been out on a date where you are worried about ordering another glass of wine because you think the guy can’t pay?! Well if you haven’t you’re a lucky woman. Because here I was out on a date with a man who was almost 50 years old but I wasn’t sure if he could afford an entrée that was over $30 damn dollars! I mean really. Why was I here? That’s right… I was trying to be “open” and stop being so damn “picky.” I was trying to give the “1%” a chance. Side eye!
“Larry” and I continued our conversation. I settled on ordering a few appetizers off the happy hour menu. And he really was a nice guy. He was charming and funny. I thought to myself, “See, that’s what you get for always being a dismissive bitch at times. You could be missing out on a relationship of a lifetime!” “Larry” and I started talking about home decorating.
Larry: I still have some more things I need to do at my place.
Me: How long have you lived there?
Larry: I just moved there a few months ago.
ME: It’s always nice moving into a new spot and being able to fix it up from scratch. Where did you live before?
Larry: I was in San Pedro.
Me: Are you getting all new furniture or just updating the furniture you already have? I know a lot of great spots where they will customize pieces.
Larry: My roommate had most of the furniture before so I am starting from scratch.
Record screech to a loud halt. Did this grown ass 49 year old man just say “roommate?” No… that’s impossible. Maybe I didn’t hear him correctly.
Me: Your roommate?
Larry: I’ve always had roommates. This is my first spot on my own.
Me: When you say roommates, do you mean ex-girlfriends?
I said a silent prayer hoping this was the case. I could understand if he lived with girlfriends. That’s much more acceptable than roommates.
Larry: No. They were roommates.
Not only did he confirm it, but he said it like it was perfectly normal. That’s when I realized, I didn’t give a flying fuck about people thinking I was too picky, or if people thought I wasn’t being open. There was no way in hell I was about to date a man who is almost a half a century old who doesn’t have his shit together. I am willing to work with a man who is trying to build a dream… but at a certain age that dream needs to be fulfilled! I am even willing to work with a man who has been married before and is paying alimony and child support so therefore his money is going toward his former family. But what I “ain’t” gon’ do is date an old ass broke man! That’s just a deal breaker for me. I started to have a mild panic attack. Suddenly the sight of him was a turn off. I had to figure out a way to get the fuck out of there. I knew I wasn’t going to go out with him EVER again. But at the same time he hadn’t done anything drastically fucked up. I politely excused myself to the bathroom. I discreetly found the waitress. I gave her my credit card and paid for the meal. Maybe I was being a little dramatic, but I was over men acting like we women use them for free meals. So I decided to take the hit on this. At least, he can’t say I was trying to use him. I got back to the table and when he asked the waitress for the check I chimed in.
Me: Larry, this is on me.
Larry: Why did you do that?
Me: Because you were going on and on about how business is slow for you and I wasn’t comfortable with you paying for the meal.
Larry: I am a gentleman, I would never expect for a woman to pay for the meal.
Me: I understand that. And yes you are a nice guy. But I wasn’t comfortable with you paying for the meal. It’s been a long night and I’m exhausted.
I faked a yawn and we got up to leave. He walked me to my car and had the audacity to attempt to give me a kiss. I turned my head and did the 3 pat hug and got in my car. Perhaps I was being a little dramatic. Actually, I can admit I was being dramatic. But I was sooooooo turned off. I knew something was off. At this point in my life I am not interested in dating a man who doesn’t have his shit together at that age. I could see if I wasn’t bringing anything to the table. But, I just knew it wasn’t going to work. Not to mention, if a man hits a certain age and has never been married, engaged, or in a serious relationship, something is definitely wrong. And I wasn’t willing to waste my pretty to find out with “Larry.”
“Larry” called me the next day.
Larry: I’ve been thinking about our date the other night. And feel unsettled. I would never take a woman out and expect her to pay.
Me: I wasn’t comfortable with you paying for the meal when you kept stressing out about how slow business was.
Larry: Well I think you misunderstood me.
Me: Maybe I did. I think you’re a cool guy but I just don’t think you and I are a good fit.
Larry: Can you please let me make it up to you?
Me: Larry, it’s all good.
We talked a little longer and I realized that although “Larry” and I were not a love connection we could at least be friends. Not every man I date is an utter asshole. There are some men who just aren’t a good fit. It doesn’t mean that we will never speak again and be sworn enemies. But I am open to letting men in my life as friends too. But I know me, and I know when something doesn’t feel right in my gut then it’s not right. Perhaps that makes me picky, perhaps that means that my “1%” chance of meeting the right man is now lowered to .5%. But at least I know when I follow my heart and let me inner loving diva guide me through this dating scene I will have 100% certainty when something is right and I will not settle for less than what I need and desire.
I admit it… I’ve been slacking on my posts. So much has been going on. In the last 2 weeks I lost 2 of my great aunts. Both of them lived long fulfilling lives but most of all they lived life on their own terms. And with the recent death of Paul Walker it has me thinking a lot about life and making sure we live it to the fullest and on our own terms. Lately I have been making it a point to enjoy life and every single moment we have here on earth. This isn’t a dress rehearsal this is the real thing. My biggest fear is waking up at the age of 60 and realizing I have let life pass me by. I will NOT let that happen. Okay I already digressed…
This is the time of year where there are birthday parties, holiday parties, and just the overall theme of getting together with friends. Because I have FOMO (fear of missing out) I usually attend everything regardless of how my body feels. Most people cannot go at the pace I go. But like I said, this isn’t a dress rehearsal this is the real thing. Not to mention, whenever people ask me how I meet the various guys I go out with, you’ll never hear me say, “He magically appeared at my house.” Why? Because you have to get out there and meet folks. The other weekend was one of those crazy weekends. One of my girlfriends was celebrating her birthday and the crew went out to Kiss N Grind. I know the name sounds real suspect. But Kiss N Grind is a party in LA that is usually once every 2 months where you go to dance and sweat. It’s not the typical Hollywood party where people are standing around trying to be cute. You put on your comfortable dance shoes and you just dance your cares away. In addition to the numerous glasses of Champagne I consumed that night and all the dancing. I partied like I was 21 again and the next morning I woke up with a massive hangover, swollen feet, and my mascara smeared all over my face. Funny thing is no matter how drunk I am I always manage to wrap my hair in my scarf. And another side note: what is it about champagne that makes me get so damn drunk and hung-over? I spent that day recuperating from the hangover. This encompassed starting the day off with a greasy turkey burger and fat fries from Fatburger and going to get my nails done and drinking what seemed to be gallons of water all day. I hadn’t been this hung-over in a long time. Lesson learned… I am no longer 21 I am a woman in my mid 30’s!
I finally felt like I was 85% to normalcy and head out to another girlfriend’s surprise party that evening. It was at a cool spot and very low key. While on the dance floor my friend’s husband grabbed a guy from the side and pulled him on the dance floor to dance with me. It was a pleasant surprise. He was tall, handsome, and he seemed real cool. We danced all night and talked. “Larry” walked me out to my car and even called me later on that evening. We talked on the phone until 1 in the morning. When I woke up the next morning I was greeted by a nice text message from “Larry.”
It was great meeting you. I look forward to hanging out with you again soon.
“Larry” was off to a nice start. When he called me later on that evening we made plans to go to Perch in Downtown LA the next evening. I loved that spot. It had great views of Downtown LA. He showed up looking good. We ordered a nice Bordeaux and proceeded to get to know each other. “Larry” was raised in…. Carson, CA. What the fuck?! Why did I keep meeting men from Carson? I tried not to pre-judge him based on my ex, and the last 3 guys I went out with from Carson. I really was practicing being open to endless possibilities. My inner loving devastated coaching me, Okay Monique, there must be a reason why you keep meeting men who are from Carson. God is trying to teach you something. BE open and for the love of God don’t roll your eyes!
As we continued to converse I discovered “Larry” sold car insurance and he was 49 years old! Oh boy! I was batting a thousand. I like dating older men but “Larry” was turning 50 in 3 months! And “Larry” had never been married, engaged, or in a long term relationship, and had no kids. When a man is 43+ and fits this criteria he already get side eye but when a man is almost half a century old and fits this criteria I’m looking at him like, “What the fuck is your deal?” As we sat there getting to know each other his phone started to vibrate.
Larry: I’m sorry this is my landlord. Let me get this real quick.
Did this motherfucker say landlord?! Was I really out with a man who was almost 50, never been married, and had no kids who didn’t own his own place. Now before you start judging me let me just say this. I get that LA is expensive. I’m not expecting a single man to live in a mansion. Also, when a man has been married and divorced with kids and is paying child support and alimony I can completely understand him having financial issues. But this man was almost 50 damn years old. What the hell was he doing? But again, I realized I was jumping ahead and quite frankly I Was being a judgmental bitch. Hell, I didn’t own my condo. This man was really nice and I had to tell myself to have several seats. We ended up having another glass of wine on the rooftop checking out the view and then “Larry” looked me in my eyes with the utmost sincerity.
Larry: I’m worried I am not going to live up to your expectations.
ME: What do you mean?
Larry: You seem like the type that’s used to dating big time corporate executives, doctors, lawyers, or athletes. I’m just worried I’m not going to measure up.
Me: I have in the past. But you’re college educated man. You’re no slouch.
Larry: I know. I just want to make sure I can be on the level you’re used to.
That was honest. Had I been so jaded and put myself in such a box when it came to dating that perhaps I was being too regimented? I decided right then and there that I would really be open and give this brotha a chance. So far he had been cool and very attentive. I wasn’t going to downplay the red flags but I wasn’t going to put on my running shoes yet and scratch him off the list.
“Larry” walked me to my car. He gave me a respectable kiss and he made plans to take me out again two nights later….
To Be Continued…
The holidays can be a little trying for us single girls. From the Kay Jeweler “Every Kiss Begins with K” commercials with the staged engagement scenes, to the Lexus commercials where the husband surprises his wife with a brand new Lexus in the driveway with a huge red bow, it can make you sit on the couch with your glass of wine and feel lonely as hell… If you allow it to. After being in a marriage where I experienced what it meant to spend the holiday season married but lonelier than ever, I embrace being alone but NOT lonely. But at the same time I would be lying to you if I told you that every once in a while when I watch those commercials I don’t think to myself, “Awww… that would be nice.” (Not an engagement ring from Kay Jewelers either… just to be clear) As soon as the commercials started to play, I prepared myself for the Holiday Season. And my inner loving Diva gave me a pre-Holiday pep talk, “This year, you are going to embrace your singledom for the Holidays. You are going to live life to the fullest and enjoy every moment. You will not be sucked into that Woe is me bullshit!” And with that I came up with a fun way to spend the Holidays and make it a little unpredictable. One of my mother’s close friends was a famous bestselling author. She had such a fun personality and it was always enjoyable to be around her and her family. She and her husband met later on in life and they had a mutual respect and adoration they shared for each other. He was supportive of her successful career and encouraged her. And in turn she loved and respected that man as well. She passed away a few years ago and the love that he had shared with her is something that really honored the vow, “Till death do we part…” My mother was in town last month for some quality mother-daughter time and her friend’s husband met up with us. He is one of my “adopted” uncles. You know, one of those men who look out for you like you are their own daughter. We were laughing and reminiscing about his wife. And I asked him the story of how they met.
She was about your age at the time. She was still living back east and was planning a trip out to LA to visit some friends. And you know she had a lot of spunk. She told each of her girlfriends that she wanted them to fix her up on a different blind date each day she was in LA. I was Wednesday. We just connected when we met. It felt right. At the end of the date I told her “I know what you’re up to and you can tell Thursday and Friday you already have plans.” And as they say, “The rest is history.” We were inseparable until her dying day.
I looked at my “adoptive” uncle’s eyes. There was such a genuine love as he told the story. You could tell he missed his soul mate but you could also feel and hear the cherished moments that they shared between the two of them.
And to think she was about my age at the time of their first date. At the end of the day, she took a chance, humbled herself (in a fun way) and was bold enough to tell her girlfriends to make things happen! And look how that turned out. So in her memory I went home that evening and I sent 6 of my married and/or in serious relationship girlfriends the November Blind Date Challenge as an inbox message on Facebook. I thought what the hell! I don’t have shit to lose.
Hello Ladies! I hope all is well. This is NOT a random chain email. In honor of my mother’s close friend I am doing a November/December challenge. She and her husband met on a blind date. She was coming to LA on vacation and she told each of her friends to set her up on a date for each night she was here. She met her husband on Wednesday. When she met him he told her to cancel Thursday-Sunday dates. And they were married until she passed away a few years ago. That being said I wanted to reach out to my friends who are already married or in a serious relationship and give you all the challenge of setting me up on blind dates for the next month. I trust all of your judgments and I know you all know me we’ll enough to pick great men. As you all know I am a dating blogger. Although I change names, occupations, and locations if you prefer I not write about any of the guys you set me up with let me know and I will respect that request. Let’s see who wins this challenge out of the crew! If you have any questions you know how to reach me!
And I was surprised by the excitement from my girlfriends and their mates. I love having a competitive, loving group of friends. Each of them are determined to win the challenge. I made sure not to give them explicit instructions on what I wanted and the type of men they should pick. Instead I am trusting the process and looking forward to what happens. This will also make the Holiday season a little less predictable. We’ll see what happens. As we kick off this Holiday season my challenge to you is to be open. Instead of focusing on what you don’t have focus on what you have and where you are going. Do something unpredictable. Humble yourself to the possibilities. Drink lots of wine, eat without worrying about calories, go to the gym to burn off those unknown calories, smile at strangers, and live each day like you are a reality star on the show called YOUR LIFE.