There is something about being out of town that makes me feel freer and the men more attentive. I have the privilege of traveling to New York City every few weeks. And I am a firm believer in mixing business with pleasure. I don’t know if I give off a different aura when I’m in NYC or if the men just know how to treat a lady. It never fails that every single time I come into this great city I have at least 2 dates in the week. And I typically meet men so easily. Perhaps my subconscious is in vacation mode therefore anything goes? Maybe it’s the excitement of the city. I have to admit, I feel like I’m in an episode of Sex and the City every time I have to hail a cab. I feel powerful and extra confident. I have no idea. While in NYC a few weeks ago I went to Harlem Social with some friends to celebrate my girlfriend’s birthday. While sipping on my Sangria, I looked up and saw a tall handsome man standing on the other side of the room (I am a sucker for a man with height). I gave him my mega million dollar smile and winked. He smiled and winked back. It was a great start to the night. Typically in LA, that rarely happens. As a matter of fact that is usually how I can tell the difference between men who live in LA or who are visiting just based on their approach. A few minutes later he was making his way over. He asked to buy me a drink. It was so refreshing to be in a spot where a man actually took the time to walk from across the room to connect with you. Gotta love those NYC men! I told him I was visiting from LA and would be leaving in two days. Not only did he ask for my number but he had me call him from my phone right there on the spot and put my information in his phone immediately. The next day he called me and asked me out. He knew I had a wedding to go to that afternoon and I only had a small window of opportunity to see him if it was going to happen this trip. So a few hours later I was sitting in the lobby of my hotel across from “John” having coffee and getting to know him. “John” was a recently divorced father of 2 and had a career in governmental affairs. He was born and raised in the Bronx and currently lived in Harlem. He had that NYC edge I like. You know I am a Jersey girl and I’m naturally drawn to east coast men. He had charisma and confidence. As we finished up our first meeting he asked me out for the next evening right away. We took a stroll around Central Park and then went for cocktails at LAVO in midtown. In dissecting this, I believe there are a few factors that played into this:
1- When men know that they have a limited window of time to see you they step up their game. When you live in the same city there seems to be a lackadaisical attitude of, “She’ll be around I’ll ask her out when I get to it.” Whereas when you’re an “Out- of-Towner” there is a greater sense of urgency. Men want to figure out sooner if you’re worth the investment of time and money. They need to get that first date in right away to see if they are willing to put in the text messages, the long phone hours, and even more so invest in getting a plane ticket to come out to your city to visit.
2- I think I give out a different energy when I am out-of-town. Because I do not live in the city I have nothing to lose. I could get on top of a table and dance at a party and not care because I don’t live here. When I land in a different city I automatically have a different vibe. It’s New York, I feel energized and I also stand out. If you walk into a crowded restaurant in New York City, it is easy to spot out an out-of-towner. It’s even easier to spot out someone from LA. Los Angeles women have a glow to them. A permanent golden tan, a brighter smile, a relaxed chilled out attitude. We definitely stand out in a crowd!
3- New Girl syndrome think back to when you were in high school and a new girl starts in the middle of the school year or even think back to your freshmen year in college. In both scenarios you are fresh meat. Men appreciate and are attracted to new things, new women, and new conquests.
When I left New York, “John” and I were off to a great start. He was calling me every day. He was sending me texts at a decent text to phone call ratio. Texting is NOT a damn conversation. Texting should be used to communicate information, let me know I am on your mind in the middle of the day, but not as a full-out conversation. I can’t tell you how many women fall into the text trap and think they have a relationship with a man because they are texting all day. That is absolute bullshit! Like Patti Stingers says, intimacy happens between your ears not under your fingers. I digressed… I’ll save the whole text messaging discussion for a future blog.
I was enjoying getting to know this man. He was charming, witty, and we had great conversations. I started making plans for upcoming meetings in NYC an I was excited to know I would be there for a full week and get to spend some quality time with “John.” Two days before I left for the Big Apple I was out running errands at The Grove. While I was trying on a new shade of pink lip gloss from MAC I got a text message from “John.”
John: Hey beautiful, what are you up to?
Me: Running errands…shopping.
John: Don’t forget to buy some knee pads.
You know that moment in a movie when there is a loud screeching of a record coming to a sudden stop. I swear, no over exaggeration this happened (in my head). I looked at the text for a few minutes. I thought there had to be a glitch in the iPhone system. You know auto correct can be a bitch. There is no way in hell, this well-traveled, sophisticated man I had been talking to for a month would have sent some ignorant ass text message on purpose.
Me: Don’t forget to buy what? (When I hit send, I prayed that he would send me a message that his auto correct had put the wrong word in his previous text)
John: Don’t forget to buy knee pads ;-)… I have plans for you.
Okay. So it wasn’t auto correct. This Simpleton (one of my mother’s favorite words for a fool) was serious and even elaborated on it! My sweet “getting to know a man” side immediately went running away and in entered my “You’re an asshole and you will get checked” side.
Me: Sure I’ll get knee pads… what’s your size?
John : LOL! Not for me, for you. (Not only was “John” highly inappropriate. Apparently he was selfish too)
Me: That text came out of nowhere.
John: You’re tripping.
Me: John, what’s up with your crazy ass text message?
John: Why are you tripping?
Me: I’m not tripping at all. I don’t know you like that. I want to make sure I am managing your expectations. SEX ISN’T GOING DOWN WHEN I SEE YOU!
And really to be honest, at the end of the day if I was contemplating going there, he had turned me off so much that any small percentage of chance was now gone! However, I understand how things get lost in translation with text messages. I really get that. I’m not unreasonable. In the past I was so quick to cut a guy off and never call him again but I was doing things differently. I wanted to give this man the benefit of the doubt. So I called him. He answered on the first ring.
John: You’re tripping.
Me: You’re coming out of left field. Knee pads? Really?
John: That’s the problem with women. You all want to fuck just as badly as men do. But you all are busy reading Steve Harvey and making these damns rules! (Here we go with that damn Steve Harvey bullshit! Remind me to kick his ass when I see him. He has really fucked it up for single women who were actually holding out without his “advice”)
Me: You know what John, take you knee pads and go fuck yourself. (With that I hung up the phone and to this day ignore his phone calls and text messages.
NYC/LA… Different city…Same Problems… However, here’s a thought. What would happen if I took that same mentality and aura I have when I am out-of-town and put out that same energy when I am in LA? So many times, as women, we are so quick to point out what men do and don’t do. But what would happen if we started with ourselves instead? Look at what kind of energy we project into the dating world. It was right after I hung the phone on “John” that I made a conscious effort to change my LA dating energy into my NYC dating energy. I’m not saying that would mean I wouldn’t have another dating disaster. But at least I could begin to enjoy my singledom and not take it so damn seriously. What kind of dating energy are you projecting? Vacation: let loose and have fun or Home Base: anxiety ridden tenseness. At least my experience with “John” gave me a small golden nugget…. Knee pads? SMH!