I have the luxury of living only 4 miles from my office. So when I have to meet with clients and the location is 4.1 miles or more, I have an attitude. On this particular day I had to drive 20 miles outside of the way for a client meeting. And to top it off I was starving. I decided to make a stop at the Whole Foods and grab a quick bite to eat before my meeting. I walked into the prepared food section and looked up and to my surprise I was greeted by the smile of another customer waiting on a kale salad. He had to be at least 6’5. He was the coloring of café au lait, and he had the brightest smile. There was a sense of warmth that radiated from him. All of a sudden a little girl ran up to him and he picked her up in those muscular arms, spun her around and hugged her. Not only was he FINE but he was also good with children. I assumed he was married and that was his daughter until another guy came up and the girl yelled, “Daddy, Daddy.” Okay, so clearly this man wasn’t the father he was a friend of the father. He said hello and I said hello back. And I decided to be bold and ask him what he was ordering and that was the beginning of the conversation. “Sanford” was an engineer who was at the Whole Foods on his lunch break. “Sanford” was single, no kids, 42, half-black and half-Italian (what a great combination) and loved to work out. He mentioned he came there every single day at 1 pm and got the same thing. This was definitely not a selling point. I couldn’t stand a man who stuck to the same routine every single day. That could get boring and monotonous. With men like that I always wondered if they kept up with the same monotony when they had sex. 3 strokes to the left, 5 strokes to the right, up, down and cum. Okay, I digressed… My point is I like a man who is spontaneous. But it wasn’t a red flag it was just one of those things that made me go hmmmm… We exchanged numbers and he texted me immediately…It was great meeting you. I hope to see you sooner than later. So far so good. He was definitely off to a great start. We met at C&O Cucina in Venice Beach 3 days later. I mentioned to him how much I love Chianti. He arrived a little before me. As you already know I like to arrive a little late to a date so the guy can see me sashay into the restaurant. When I arrived he was sitting at the table with a bottle of Chianti already ordered. He stood up and gave me the warmest hug. The conversation was… how do I put it? Revealing. He talked a lot about his previous relationships. Why? I have no idea. I could give two shits about your past relationships when I am on a first date. But at the same time, when you are a man in your 40’s who has never been married I need to get some type of indication about what your deal is. What is your tragic flaw that you are single? Are you a commitment phoebe? Are you weird? Are you gay? What’s the deal? I didn’t get any of those vibes from him. He also went into a long more detailed story about his past relationship:
Sanford: I did everything for my ex. She worked at MAC and I used to come by if she wasn’t making her number for the day and buy up a bunch of stuff for her to make sure she made her number.
Me: (sipping my glass of Chianti) Really, how supportive of you.
Sanford: I used to make her long bubble baths so when she came home from work she was taken care of. I even went through my entire 401K to make her happy and support her.
Me: Why in the hell would you go through your 401K for anyone?
Sanford: I was so in love with her and willing to do anything to make her happy.
At this point I was tuning out. Am I the only person when bored on a date that looks around the restaurant at other couples and plays the “Who’s getting some tonight game?” I was so bored with his story of being a dating Martyr. I can’t stand when men try to make themselves out to be Superman to their “evil” exes. I mean really. I could care less.
I noticed he paid the bill with cash and left a nice tip. I look at a man slightly side eyed when he pays a large dinner bill with cash. My antennas go up. I can’t lie. I wonder does this man have a checking account? Does he not have a credit card? Or is he just cash savvy and likes to pay with cash and not have a bill later? Either way I was curious about it. He walked me to my car and gave me a hug. I was going out of town two days later for work and he offered to give me a ride to the airport. I told him I had a car service picking me up but he insisted. So two days later. At 5:30 in the morning this man was outside of my building waiting for me. When I got in the car there was a fresh cup of coffee waiting for me. How thoughtful! This man lived a good 45 minutes away from me and he picked me up and drove me to the airport. He gave me a respectable hug and we spoke a few times while I was gone. I found it odd that after speaking to him every single day that he just stopped calling. 3 days went by and I didn’t receive a phone call or a text message from him. Of course I refused to call him. And the 2 weeks went by and I still hadn’t heard from him. When I returned to LA, I was extremely bored one night and decided to give him a call. Ironically he picked up. When he heard my voice, he was thrilled to hear from me. He explained how he just got out of the hospital. Apparently he had blood clots and almost died! I was shocked. Normally I am ready to write a guy off if I don’t hear from him and put him in the ASSHOLE category. This was a lesson to me. Sometimes it is worth reaching out before you throw the towel in. He stressed how much he really wanted to see me.
So I decided to go stop by and see him. After all, he just got out of the hospital. He was nice enough to give me a ride to the airport. I picked up a plant on the way to his home. He lived pretty damn far and the traffic wasn’t making it any better. As my navigation directed me towards his house, I noticed the neighborhood change. There were a bunch of old ass apartments. The apartments that looked like the Motel 6 chains with the iron rods and two levels. Then my navigation announced I had arrived at the destination. I looked out my window to an old ass building. With barred windows. The plants outside of the building were old and dying. I double checked to make sure I had the right address… unfortunately I did. Then I figured. There are a lot of spots that look like shit from the outside but inside they are really nice. Surely he wouldn’t have invited over to a piece of shit home sick or not. So I got out of my car and locked my doors and clicked my alarm twice. I walked a few steps and clicked the button for my alarm one last time for good luck. As I walked through the front gate a black cat ran past me. Shit! I hate cats! Then I walked up the steps and I swore I could smell chitlins’ or some funky ass smell of food one of his neighbors was cooking. I got to his door where one of the numbers was hanging lose and knocked. He opened the door. He lost a good 15 pounds and he looked tired. He still had on his hospital identity bracelet. I felt so bad for him. Then I walked into his apartment and was horrified. It was a super duper tiny spot. The furniture looked like something from Sanford and Son. It was that old corduroy brown furniture. Furniture that did not match. He had stacks and stacks of CD’s. There was an over sized old school television. One of those TV’s that sit on the floor with a wooden base not a flat screen. There was an airbrush picture of Prince circa Purple Rain on the wall. And the last and final straw was the Corona clock hanging up on the wall. I looked behind me because I was almost positive Ashton Kutcher had to be present and I was getting PUNKED! I couldn’t believe a 25 year old man would live like this let alone a 42 year old man! More importantly, I was shocked that he would have invited me over to his spot. Sick or not! I looked on his counter and saw a stack of cash. Upon closer look I noticed that was his rent money. He was paying it in cash. WTF? I stayed long enough to give him his plant and then rolled the fuck out. There was no way in hell I was staying there. Call me a bitch, but really?
Is there something wrong with wanting a man who at the very least came to the table at my level? I could never settle for that. And are there women out there who still would have dated this man? Obviously yes there are because he was handsome and nice. We’ve all seen it. If you are a fan of Real Housewives of Atlanta, Kandi Burruss has been accused of falling victim to the Sanford and Son Effect. But I got to draw the line somewhere. Furthermore, if you’re living like that, make it a point to go to the woman’s house. He should have waited until I was in love and dick whipped before he even considered having me over there. I have a theory for men like this. These are the men who give a woman the world. They make the women feel so taken care of because they see the bigger picture. They typically target a successful woman who is eager/damn right desperate to have a good looking man by their side. These men are typically amazing in bed. The sex is better than anything you have ever experienced. It is all designed to reel that woman in. Once the man has gotten into that woman’s psyche that’s when they make the settle suggestion… Babe, we are together all the time we might as well move in together. You’re the one. By this point the woman is totally dick whipped and appreciating this man who gives them the world. This man will cook you gourmet meals…with the shit you bought. When you are sick, this is the man who will make a chicken noodle soup. This is the man who will wash your hair. This is the man who will get your car fixed… with your money. He hypes you up to feel like you are the only woman in the world. He hypes a woman up so much that before she knows it she is in love. She doesn’t realize she is fronting the bill for all of the trips. She doesn’t realize those amazing four course meals are being paid by her own checking account. Or the woman realizes it but doesn’t care. Typically these men are FINE too. So a woman with low self esteem is so excited to post pictures on Facebook with this man and essentially she has a piece of arm candy. She tells her girls, “He treats me so good. He does everything for me…” As her friends give her the side eye look. Luckily for me, I saw right through that shit and got the fuck out. There’s nothing wrong with taking care of a man if that is something you enjoy doing. But for me, I could never respect a man who doesn’t have his shit together. Call me a shallow snot, I’ll be that. But one thing I will never be is a Sugar Momma!