Every once in a while someone will say something to me that makes me go, Hmmmm…” I find these moments are happening more often these days. I am not sure if it is because I am more in tune with myself right now and noticing things I might have missed back in the day or if people have just gone stone cold crazy. But either way, I have been experiencing the case of the Hmmmm’s more often than not. Recently I told a few of my married guy friends (MGF) that I was ready to date seriously. The greatest untapped resource for a single girl is their married guy friends (MGF) who have single friends. Now let me elaborate on this. First of all in order for me to be friends with any married man, I know their wives and they know me. This is a MUST in my book. You never want to make a wife feel uncomfortable with you. It’s a respect thing. This also goes to the guys I knew before they were married. Once they got serious with their now wives, the communication becomes a three way conversation. For instance:
ME: How’s everything going?
MGF: All is well.
Me: How’s “Dina” tell her I said hello.
MGF: She’s great. Will do.
You always want to make sure the wife is an active part of your conversation out of respect. I figured I would reach out to my MGF’s, the successful ones that have their shit together and give them my criteria. I had nothing to lose. You know like attracts like. A man who has his shit together isn’t going to associate with losers… at least they shouldn’t. So one of my MGF stepped up to the plate. He did a Facebook introduction to “Darren” a 48 year old advertising executive in NYC. Darren had never been married before. Major side eye). Typically a man who hits 42 and above and has never been married has major issues. I looked at a few of “Darren’s” pictures and I wasn’t necessarily attracted to him. But there was a certain amount of swag and confidence that permeated through his pictures. You can always tell a boss type man. He definitely had that feel to him. He immediately called me and we spoke on the phone. Surprisingly his voice didn’t match his look. Now keep in mind I was just going based off of his Facebook pictures that I had seen. In his Facebook pictures “Darren” was rocking tailor made suits. But over the phone he sounded… how can I say this… Fuck it I’ll just say it. He sounded HOOD! Straight up ghetto! You would never have guessed he graduated from Columbia University. I was slightly turned off. I’m not looking to date Carlton Banks from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. But damn, this man sounded like he had just been released from a state prison. Certainly my MGF couldn’t have gotten it all wrong. When he told me about him he said, “This brotha is a solid dude. He has his shit together and he would appreciate a woman like you.” Note to self, next time I decided to get a hook up through one of my MGF’s I need to make sure he is vetted through his wife. Men often overlook the foolishness of their boys as a guy code where women will be honest and say, “Oh hell no, they would never work out!” But I decided to go ahead and give this brotha a chance. You know my new motto. I have nothing to lose. Ironically “Darren” had a business meeting in LA that following week. So we decided to meet that following Friday afternoon for drinks at The Montage in Beverly Hills. An afternoon date is perfect. I could always use the excuse I had diner plans if it was a train wreck. So that Friday afternoon I found myself walking into the bar at The Montage. It was hot as hell that day so I settled on a short and flowly pink dress with some super tall wedges. Since this was somewhat of a blind date I was curious to see if he would pass my height test. When I walked into the bar I spotted him sitting down in the corner checking emails on his phone. He was wearing a pair of sweatpants a t-shirt and a jean jacket. WTF? Are you fucking kidding me? I had a sudden urge to turn around and run. But that urge was killed when my stomach growled. I was hungry as hell! So I walked up to him:
Me: Hi Darren.
“Darren” stood up and went to give me a hug. “Darren” had to be a good 5’5. I was towering over his short ass like a beast. I think he had to go on his tippy toes to even give me a hug.
Darren: My, my, my, you look even better in person. What’s up?
Me: Nothing. I see you dressed up for the occasion.
Darren: (laughing) I’m in chill mode, you know how that goes.
Me: I see.
The waiter couldn’t come fast enough to bring me a glass of wine. I order a nice glass of Sancerre wine. “Darren” was loud and even more ghetto in person. How the fuck could this man be an advertising executive acting that simple? You know how you have those moments when you are out on a date and you look around and the other patrons look at you like, What is that beautiful woman doing with this clown? Well that’s how I felt.
Darren: How tall are you?
Me: 5’8 without heels with heels I can go from 5’11-6’3 depending on my mood.
Darren: Yeah, I like tall women.
Darren: It’s a good look. It cracks me up when I’m out with a tall woman and other tall guys try to hate.
ME: Try to hate? How?
Darren: They be like, “Why you out with that short n****?”
Darren: But that shit don’t bother me. I be like she my woman.
Me: Well okay!
Darren: Besides shorter men make more money than taller men.
This was actually getting amusing. I decided to indulge this clown. Only so I could have material to write for my blog (the things I do for my readers) J
Me: They do? Why is that Darren?
Darren: Because we got to work harder. Tall men don’t have to work as hard.
Now when a short man makes a comment like this, you already know they have an issue with their height and that shows straight up insecurity. What a clown. I had to speak to my inner diva, Don’t roll your eyes. Just humor this fool! Don’t be a bitch. And damn it, try not to be too damn bourgeois! I agreed with my inner diva with everything but the Bourgeois part. Yeah I’m bourgeois as hell. I don’t apologize for it and I will not pretend to be anyone else. I ordered another glass of wine. “Darren” and I got on the topic of relationships.
Me: So Darren, I’m just curious. Why have you never been married?
Darren: I wasn’t ready. I was working on my career.
Me: Do you typically date women your age or younger?
Darren: I date women anywhere from 25-40.
Me: 25?! But you’re damn near 50. What do would you have in common with a 25 year old?
Darren: You’d be surprised. These 25 year olds know what they want more than some of these late 30’s GABS.
Me: GABS? What’s that?
Darren: You never heard of GABS?
Me: Um…. No.
I took a swig of my wine. Last time a man used an acronym on a date he hit me with the GRP (Golden Rod Of Power… refer to: http://confessionsofaserialdaterinla.com/2013/04/the-golden-state/). I wasn’t sure if I could handle another ignorant comment without going to jail for violence!
Me: What is GAB?
Darren: Gray Area Bitches.
Record screech to a halt! Did this man just use the B word? Now granted I use it all the time. Usually as a term of endearment (I’m a WIP: Work in Progress). But when a man says and on the first date it’s downright ignorant. So I decided to give him a chance to redeem himself.
Me: I’m sorry, could you repeat that?
Darren: (un-phased) Grey Area Bitches.
I gave him the biggest side eye ever.
Darren: Oh my bad. I didn’t mean to be disrespectful.
Me: Well what the hell does it mean?
Darren: Let me break it down. Usually when a woman hits her late 30’s she is successful. She is travelling the world and enjoying life. Lots of times they aren’t sure if they really want to get married. They might decide to just have a baby with some random n**** or go to a sperm bank and create a baby with a turkey baster. But they don’t know if they want a husband because they worry their lives will change and a man will come in and try to shut that down. It usually happens for a woman when she hits 36 so you got another year.
Me: That’s the most ignorant shit I have ever heard in my life.
Darren: It’s true. Just sit back and watch. Now that I have told you this, you’re going to be talking to one of your girls and it’s going to hit you. This bitch is a GAB!!!
Darren started cracking up. As he laughed I looked at his ugly face and thought this short little shrimp thinks he’s the shit because he has money. Perhaps he dated too many video vixens in NYC. But I couldn’t stand to be there another second. I abruptly got up.
Darren: Where you going baby?
ME: I forgot, I… Um… I have to pick my friend up from the airport. I’ll give you a call later.
I high tailed my ass out of The Montage. I didn’t realize I was practically sprinting until I tripped on the carpet in the Lobby. When I got home later on that evening I was left to wonder, about the GAB. How many other men had this same theory? Why were women who were successful being made to feel like their success was preventing them from getting a quality guy? Why is it okay for a man to say he was focusing on his career and that was why his simple ass hadn’t been married yet, but when a woman says the same thing she is looked at like a circus freak? Did men not realize we want a real relationship but just weren’t settling? Did they really want a girl who was younger and confused and didn’t know what they wanted? Was I now reaching the age where some men would think 35+ is too old for them? At the end of the day, in my 20’s I was so busy trying to be the person I am now. I admit it, back then I read Why Men Love Bitches, Why Men Marry Bitches, The Rules, etc. Looking back on it, the books were absolute and total bullshit. However, they pretty much emphasize having a life of your own and not giving everything up to be with a guy. And teach women dating “strategies.” Whereas now, because I have a busy career and active social life I don’t have to make shit up to “Seem” busy and “elusive.” I simply am. Any man that comes into my life will have to enhance it and add to it. Not put me in some little box because he is an insecure short Simpleton (my mother’s favorite word). That doesn’t make me a damn GAB. That makes me a women who is finally confident in who I am, what I desire, and what I need and deserve. Perhaps we are GAB’s. Greatly Anticipating the Best. Because at the end of the day, that’s what we deserve. We should enjoy our hard earned success and not be made to feel like it is a burden. At the end of the day, most successful women want to leave their offices and board rooms and be treated like a Princess at home. So guess what. I will continue to be a GAB if that means I am not settling for the okey doke!