The Five Year Journey
When you go through a divorce there are questions people will inevitably ask.
How long were you married?
Did you have kids?
Do you ever see you ex-husband?
Is he remarried?
And the question of all questions…
What did you do with your ring?
Anyone who reads my blog knows I never go into much detail about my ex-husband and my marriage. And I do that on purpose because this blog isn’t about bashing my ex-husband. We both contributed to the ending of our marriage. I never want to come off like some victim. It takes two to tango. And I am so thankful that we were able to part ways without having any kids together! Praise God!!! And I will continue to keep the details of my marriage off of this blog. There is a line of intimacy that even I will not cross. Anyway… I digressed already! LOL! But I will share this, when I got divorced, giving up my wedding rings was the hardest thing I had to do. For many reasons, they were absolutely beautiful. Giving them up represented the end of a dream. I wasn’t interested in turning them into a pendant or any shit like that because it would be a constant reminder of a dream that ended in a nightmare. So instead, I got my dream car. A convertible Dolphin Gray Audi. I named her Freedom. And I LOVED that car. Driving through Southern California with your convertible top down on a sunny 80 degree day is the most freeing thing ever. And just like my marriage, the first few years were beautiful. Then slowly but surely the damn car began to breakdown. Every other month it was something. If it wasn’t the timer belt, it was a hose in the engine rusting, or the motor that operates the convertible top breaking down. And I finally reached my breaking point where I would go to the car and pray the damn thing started! And just like my marriage, from the outside looking in the car was a beauty, but little by little it was breaking down. IT got to a point where each time I walked out to the car, instead of looking at it with loving eyes and excitement; I wanted to kick the damn thing! So I finally turned that sucker in and bought a brand new car! Ironically I had my Audi for almost 5 years and my relationship with my ex husband from start to finish lasted for 5 years. I had officially cut the ties. When I got in my brand new SUV and drove off the lot I had a different feeling. I had a feeling of completeness, contentment, and most of all confidence. I reflected on my life over the last 5 years and the lessons I learned. When I was going through my divorce, someone told me that I would one day look back on that time and be so grateful for the experience. When she told me that I looked at her like she had two heads? I thought to myself, “This bitch must be taking crack or be high off of her St. John’s Wart pills. This experience sucks! She has no idea what she’s talking about.” However, as I drove off the lot I truly got it. So for my first post of 2014 I want to share with you what the last five years have taught me…
Always Have Your Own Money
When my marriage ended, I was blessed to have a great career where I could afford to move out on my own. There are so many women who are in bad marriages and stay because they do not have an option. Always make sure you have an option and you have your own.
Don’t be too prideful to lean on your Family and Friends during your time of weakness
This speaks for itself. My family and friends were there for me. I could call them at all hours of the day and night to talk. They kept me strong in my time of weakness. But most of all I allowed them to be there for me during that time. Do not crawl into a cocoon. You are NOT alone. This is the time when family and friends are most important. They will love you and keep you strong during the good times and especially during the bad. Most importantly do not misdirect your anger at the situation towards them. Use them as a crutch.
I Am Capable of Loving Someone Unconditionally and Passionately
As painful as my divorce was for me, I appreciated that I had so much love in me to give. I will NOT give my ex the power over me by not loving the next man even more. I will not become a Bitter Betty. Knowing I have so much love in me is actually exciting because when I meet the right man, my goodness, he will be LOVED. The key is giving that love to someone who is deserving.
I Am Much Stronger Than I Thought
When I was going through my divorce, my mother told me, “You have earned your woman battle scars.” In life, you’re going to go through some shit. Divorce, is much like a death. It is the death of a dream, a death of what you thought your life would be, and a death of who you once were. Picking up the pieces and starting over again was so damn hard. But I got through it. Every day I got stronger. Every day I gained more clarity. Every day I looked in the mirror and started to see the new me.
It is tempting to stay in the bed, not do your hair, put on sweat pants and walk around looking like Bernadine in Waiting to Exhale. But no matter what, when you leave your house, make sure you look like a million bucks even if you feel like two cents inside. Eventually you will wake up and realize it’s not an effort to do the little things and you will feel like you actually look. But until that day happens force yourself to have your paparazzi public image. The worse thing is running into your ex looking a hot ass mess!!!
Stay off Social Media
When you are at you lowest of low points, that’s when you go on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter and all the engagements, weddings, pregnancies, and new babies are announced. No one announces they are going through ha shitty divorce on Facebook… Go figure. Trust me when I say this, stay away from social media until you are strong enough to handle it. Most of all do not under any circumstances check out what is going on with your ex. You will not be in the frame of mind to receive that. Delete and block friendships with his close friends. Unfortunately, when you go through a divorce the line in the sand is drawn. His friends are his friends and your friends are your friends. You must wait must wait until you are mentally ready to receive this information. If you aren’t you WILL end up having a moment.
A close friend of mine is one of the most positive people on the planet. She runs marathons, she gets up at 5:30 in the morning and does these massive 50 mile plus bike rides, and she is always smiling. Her secret… BE OPEN. When it comes to dating she is constantly reminding me to be open. She reminds me that each experience is part of the journey that makes you stronger and shapes who you are in the relationship with your soul mate. She reminds me that the right man will come when it’s the right time. But to constantly be open during the journey.
Listen To Your Inner Loving Diva
This is the most important lesson. We all have intuition or as I call it my Inner Loving Diva. We know when something just ain’t right. We sense it. It’s that thought that we push down but it constantly keeps reappearing. Listening to my inner loving diva has been my guiding light.
I’m sure I’m leaving out a few other lessons I learned but these are the biggies. As 2014 starts perhaps some of you are in the middle of a bad break up or divorce. And you will read this with the same frame of mind I had 5 years ago when someone told me I would appreciate the experience. But trust me there is light at the end of the tunnel. And some of you might have gotten to the other side of the journey and are ready to start fresh with your new insights. Either way my wish for all of my readers is that 2014 brings you an abundance of the love and happiness you so deserve. Don’t worry; I am not turning this blog into an airy fairy collection of posts. I have plenty dating foolery to catch you up on. But I figured I would start on a positive note for 2014.
Happy New Year!!!!