The Act of Vulnerability
I have to be completely honest. I don’t have much to write about. What happens when you have built an audience who wants to hear all about your dating life and dating foolery and you reach a point when you have made a conscious decision not to share that information? We knew the day would come. I couldn’t be a Serial Dater forever folks! There comes a time when even a Serial Dater makes the conscious choice to no longer serial date or perhaps they meet someone with potential and want to hold that feeling close to them and keep it private just between the person and you. I guess you can say its growth. I guess you can say after two years of bringing you the full Tea on my dating life and relationship status… or lack thereof, I have finally reached a point where I am tapped out. And don’t worry, that doesn’t mean I will no longer write. And it is not a bad thing at all. In the next few weeks this site will take a turn in a different direction… which is a great thing! But what I can say is 2015 is taking a turn in a different direction and it feels good. I am happy. I recognize happiness is a conscious choice. I made the decision to choose happiness years ago and it was the best decision I ever made.
The journey to get here was a long one. If someone told me at the age of 25 I would experience all that I have gone through in the last few years I would have laughed at them. And not just a “ha-ha” laugh. But one of those guttural laughs that come from your core, where you are laughing so damn hard you can’t breathe. If someone told me I would get married, and six months into the marriage discover it was a MAJOR mistake, go through a 1 ½ bitter divorce battle, and uproot my life. I wouldn’t have believed it. If someone would have told me in order to get to where I am today I would be shaken to the core, my life would be uprooted, and everything I thought I wanted was indeed not even close to want I needed I would have literally passed out.
But now, years later I recognize that was all part of the journey I had to take to discover me. To discover who I really was. When I was in the midst of the storm it was painful, it was scary, and it was hurtful. It did not feel safe. I had no idea that at the end I would experience the rainbow after the storm. But you see, in order for a rainbow to appear, you have to go through a storm. An unexpected sun will shine and the rainbow will be created. But that is impossible without the storm beforehand.
And I went through the storm. And I survived it. And let me be very clear. It wasn’t fun; it wasn’t enlightening at the time. It fucking SUCKED! And I was not truly happy. To the outside world I appeared to be happy. I would get accolades about how “How well I was handling the divorce… How strong I am… How you have managed to get through this shit with dignity and grace.” But when I got home and it was just me all by myself. I couldn’t go five minutes without crying. I would find myself balled up in a corner on the floor crying uncontrollably. My only saving grace was I had to go to work and during those hours I had to keep it together and put on a great façade to the public. But as soon as I would close the door to my car, the tears would fall uncontrollably.
I’m not exactly sure where I am going with this. I guess I have spent the last 2 years writing this blog talking so much about my strength. But for some reason, I feel the need to be completely transparent and let someone out there know my strength didn’t come easy and it didn’t happen overnight. Perhaps there is someone out there who is in the midst of the storm and needs to read about how what it REALLY means to get through it. And pretending that “I am every woman…” isn’t what that person needs to hear right now. Perhaps it’s time to be transparent and be vulnerable and let someone know that the journey isn’t easy. But you WILL get to your destination called happiness.
And once you get to that destination, there comes a point where you believe you are truly okay. You have made it. You even have you “PR” spin on what to tell people about your failed marriage or relationship. Your “3 minute elevator” chat… The “long story short” version. And let me tell you. I perfected all of those things. So much that I recently realized I spent so much time healing and so much time protecting my heart from getting broken again, that it had been a long time since I allowed myself to be vulnerable. And no, it had nothing to do with not being over the ex. That ship sailed years ago and I was able to bring myself the closure I needed to end the book. I wish him nothing but the best and I reached the feeling of indifference years ago. And if you are a loyal reader to this blog you know my biggest goal in life is to never take a wrong turn to Bitterville or a detour to Cynicism. In all of my effort to stay the right course on my journey, I forgot one important thing as you open yourself up to love again… Vulnerability. Allowing yourself to open your heart and let love in is something that can pretty fucking scary after being hurt or years of disappointment. And it doesn’t mean you are not open to the possibility, but you also have to be open to the gamble of allowing your heart to be open to receive love. I have no idea where Vulnerability got a bad rap. Or why some women think that being “strong” means not being Vulnerable. Especially a lot of us sistahs. But it is the total opposite. Interestingly enough for a lot of us it might be a subconscious defense mechanism. However, I believe the very last piece of my healing journey, the last hill I had to climb was to finally allow myself to be vulnerable and not wear the mask of strength to hide the fear of pain.