Confessions of a Serial Dater in LA???
Confessions of a Serial Dater in LA???
I’m baaaaccckkkk! After an almost two year hiatus I am baaaccckkk and not just a temporary back but I am really back. So many wonderful things have happened in the last two years. I have been living life and enjoying it to the fullest. I have finally embraced the idea of living in the moment and enjoying this journey. And as much as you all have missed my tales from the land of dating foolery, I have missed bringing them to you. And I am happy to announce… it finally happened… I am actually seeing someone seriously. As I wrote that sentence and read it back I paused because as hopeful as I have been and as much as I preached to you all about being open and not giving up hope… after years and years… let me be even more clear, after a decade of bad dates, bubbles burst, fools, and ignorance I finally met someone that I truly like and he gets me. And it feels so damn good! As my loyal followers know… I have made it a point with my dating to never discuss someone I am currently dating. And I am still sticking to that. Because for one… certain things are not meant for public consumption. However, after bringing years and years of all the bad dates, I figured I owed you to tell you what it is like when you finally meet someone and it is actually positive. I know there is someone out there reading this who is close to giving up hope and I am here to tell you, as Jesse Jackson said so poetically, “Keep hope alive!” LOL! There I go digressing…
Here’s what I realized, I am the BEST dater. Let’s be real… I have brought you a hit blog for the last five years about all my dating adventures and foolery. I know how to go on one maybe two dates and be engaging, fun, reflective and interesting. But what I realized is, after being single for a damn decade I had no idea what it meant to be in a RELATIONSHIP. It has been so long and the last time I was in a relationship, I was in my twenties!!! And then I got married and we all know how that story ended. #sideeye So now that I am in a relationship after a decade long hiatus I am learning how to be a girlfriend and ironically my friends are learning (some of them) how to be my friend now that I am in a relationship. That being said… I will give you a little bit of the Tea and the rest I am keeping close to my chest…
One of the things that has driven me crazy over the years are those well-meaning friends who are either married or in long term relationships who tell their single girlfriends, “You will meet someone when you’re not looking…” That is utter bullshit! Don’t ever fall for that foolery. If you’re not looking how do you know what’s around? Are those women suggesting that you walk around with blinders on and not allow yourself to be open to the possibilities of what is standing right in front of you? Over this last year blogging hiatus I did a lot of thinking and I realized the women who make that ignorant statement… and a lot of them are well meaning and loveable. But they are women who have met their husbands young… like in their twenties and have no concept of what it means to be a grown ass woman, single and in your thirties and forties. Or they are women who just don’t give a shit. They are the women who have no problem going to the grocery store in sweats and looking a hot ass mess, or even worse… they are women who suffer through Marital Amnesia. Women who are part of Singledom have seen it happen over and over again… that friend who gets married and gets brand new. That friend who you were with in the dating trenches, they get a man, get brand fucking new and start singing that bullshit completely forgetting that you know where all her bones and bodies are hidden. They forget you were sitting right next to them at bars, restaurants, church retreats, house parties, and you both complained about the lack of men and wishing you both could meet someone and then within months of her getting married she tells you that bullshit! Guuuuuurrrrrllll please have several seats!
You know I like to give you the real. What I can say from personal experience is you are always looking and I would never advise you to stop looking. However, what I can say is I met my guy when I least expected it. You see the difference? I WAS looking and hoping but when I finally met him it was an evening when I didn’t see it coming… The evening I met my guy I was on a business trip. It had been a long ass week. And that particular evening I had driven a total of 5 hours. I got to my room and decided to order room service. When I ordered the room service, they informed me they were running behind and my food would not arrive to my room for 45 minutes to an hour. I was HANGRY and enraged! I just wanted to curl up in my bed with a glass of wine, great food, and Real Housewives. I loved the restaurant at this hotel and I had eaten there all week after my meeting. But this particular night I was beyond exhausted and wanted to just chill in my room. But unfortunately… well actually now I can say fortunately… I cancelled the order and decided to head to the hotel restaurant. Now…. Before I left my room I put back on a pair of leather leggings, a sweater, and knee high boots and reapplied a coat of lip gloss and put a little sheen on my head. You see the difference… I still made it a point to leave my room looking presentable just in case. I wasn’t expecting to meet anyone, but I made it a point to be prepared in case I did. I stayed prepared and I kept my eyes open even when I was exhausted and ready to eat a damn elephant. I didn’t go to the bar expecting to meet my guy but when I did it was a pleasant surprise and I was PREPARED! And he was the ultimate pleasant unexpected surprise.
And let me be very clear, I am not pretending to be the dating guru now that I am in a relationship. But I would be a fraud if I bought you a dating blog for the last five years and didn’t give you the real of my current experience. After being single for so long I had gotten in my groove. I had learned how to be by myself because that was my situation. I had my days set. I had my usual after work routine. Gym… Then I went home and I made myself dinner. Believe it or not, I love to cook. Chopping vegetables and seasonings is the best way to get your aggressions out from dealing with a crazy ass lunatic of a boss… I am digressing again. LOL! See what happens when I have a two year hiatus from writing. Some of your girlfriends get used to you being available for them to call you and be at their beck and call. You see, when you are the “single” girlfriend long enough you become their crutch. They know they can’t call their other girlfriends who are in relationships because they know they are tending to their men and their kids. They know that there is a certain time that becomes disrespectful to call their girlfriends who are married or living with their guy. So the single girlfriend becomes their constant confidante. Which is what friendship is… you’re supposed to be each other’s confidante, but there is always that girlfriend where the time of the evening is not part of their consideration (hell, I was once that friend! LOL!) …because after all you’re single. But once you get into a relationship whether it’s long distance and you’re spending time on the phone for hours getting to know your boo or if it is a local relationship and you are spending your time with you man… it takes that girlfriend some time to respect the new boundaries that you have to put up. And it also takes you some time to not feel guilty that the time you once had dedicated to being your girlfriend’s constant on-call therapist is now spent on nurturing and building a relationship with a man that you have developed feelings for. And you have to be okay with that. That’s one of the key differences in being a grown ass woman in a new relationship. You really have to dedicate time to getting to know your potential mate. Between work, travel, and the day to day stresses of life you HAVE to make the time for your man. Or else you will be that friend who is dedicated to being a friend and end up alone and watching everyone else around you in a relationship. Trust and believe that same friend who is blowing you up and getting annoyed that you do not have the same amount of time to dedicate to her would be the same one who would leave you in the dust when she is in a fulfilling relationship! And I can guarantee there will be one friend that will not get it and not respect your new relationship. I want to believe that they aren’t doing it on purpose but at the same time I have realized there are lot of self involved people that really only think about themselves. You will see that clearly once you’re in the beginning of a new relationship. You also have the friends who want to research and google your man!!! I had one girlfriend send me a screen shot of my man’s Wikipedia and ask, “Is this him?” Or you have the girlfriends who want to ask around and dig to see what they can find out about your man! I had one girlfriend confirm that she asked someone about my guy and they confirmed he was a “good guy.” Information I didn’t ask to be confirmed but they took it upon themselves to do the research. Again, I have to believe they are looking out or excited. But you want to shake them and say, “Calm the fuck down… I got this!” If you have been single for a long amount of time I think everyone is getting adjusted to seeing you in a relationship. Including yourself.
The new thing that I didn’t have to deal with when I was last in a relationship was social media. When do you post, what do you post, what do you say in the post, how do you post? It is really a big deal. When I first “went public” I promise my hand was shaking. When you’re single long enough you learn to keep your various potentials secret. And being completely honest, it is out of fear that it won’t last. Let’s keep it real… those potentials have shown something that make you question and doubt shit. ALSO, I was worried the moment I decided to post something that the guy would show his ass and then I would have to “explain” why shit didn’t work out. And when you are a dating blogger, that is even more stressful. I knew there were so many people rooting for me and hoping that I would meet someone. And I didn’t want to let them down. The day I decided to go for it… my guy was sitting next to me and I was like… “I’m about to do this… don’t show your ass and make me regret it.” Luckily he gets my sense of ignorance and laughed. When I hit the button to post my hands were shaking and I swear I had a mini panic attack. It had been a decade since I made it public that I was in a relationship. You would have thought I posted I was engaged! I think a lot of folks were shocked. Hell… I was shocked. Then I got the inboxes from men who were “ Disappointed they didn’t get a chance…” Really? I have been single for years and now they want to come out the woodworks professing their love???? Too late. For all you nosey men reading tis blog… if you are interested in someone go for it… don’t wait. Because I promise, the single woman you follow, like their pics and hope they stay single until you are ready to approach can and WILL get swept off their feet and leave you in the dust hoping and wishing.
Now here is something that really and truly freaked my ass out. After years and years of being single, once you’re in a relationship and once you realize that this new guy is different and there is something there. You will start thinking but the beginning stages of your last relationship. I know this sounds crazy as hell. You don’t think about your last relationship thinking you miss that person or you want to get back together. Trust and believe, I thank God every day from deliverance from my relationship with my ex. But I find myself thinking about things I wish I had done differently and things that I learned. And if I am completely transparent there is a certain amount of fear that creeps in. When I first started dating my ex. I thought he was IT. I was so hopeful and looking back on how things ended I found myself wondering how could I have been so damn wrong? And am I repeating the same mistake? I found myself looking at my guy wondering “is he really who he says he is… will he hurt me… will this end…” In other words, I was waiting on the other shoe to drop. I was doing exactly what I told you all not to do! I was fearful of diving in and going for it because the last time I did that I was so hurt and devastated. I found myself dipping my toe in the pool and quickly taking it out. And at a certain point fate… pushed my black ass into the pool, I splashed around and had to adapt to the cold water and eventually the cold water felt great in the hot sun. But I had t just dive in and go for it. In other words, I finally allowed myself to live in the moment. If I could experience a day, a month, a year, two years, ten years of happiness than it would be worth the wait.
And last but not least, after being the originator of Confessions of a Serial Dater in LA I worried… how will my followers feel now that I am in a relationship? Yes… I actually had to walk myself through this thought process. For the last five years what brought us together was our frustration, upset, anger, annoyance, laughter, sadness, worry, helplessness, hopefulness about being a member of Singledom. Now that I am actually in a relationship how could I still blog and keep my relationship private. It is one thing to write about bad dates. That’s easy. But with my relationship I hold that close to the chest because it is meaningful and not something I will write about in detail. How does this shit work? I figured you all realized I would one day meet someone that would turn the Serial Dater of LA into a woman in a fulfilling relationship.
And it hit me the other day… just like I am taking life one moment and one day at a time. I am going to do the same thing with this blog. I recognize I can still be your voice and your oasis and safe place as you navigate thorugh the ins and out of dating. And I can still respect the privacy of my relationship. It is indeed possible to do both. I have missed cracking open my laptop and making my way into your lives and I am back and ready to bring you what brought us together in the first place.
What I can say is I still a work in progress and learning how to be in relationship is just as interesting as it was to learn how to be single. But at the end of the day you figure it out and learn to go with the flow! A part of me will always be the Serial Dater in LA. But in life we all grown and evolve and learn how to be the person you are meant to be in that moment in time. That’s exactly where I am. All the tales and foolery have brought me to where I am in this very moment and I am enjoying each second of it!