I know it has been a while since I have written. I have to be honest, I can’t blame it all on my business travel. I had major writer’s block due to second guessing.
I went to a party last month. I love parties in LA where it’s a REAL party where people are actually dancing and having a good time. The music was loud, the drinks were flowing, and the crowd had an east coast feel to it. While I was out on the dance floor jamming to some old school I got a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and low and behold there was “McDreamy.” (If you’re not familiar please refer to the original blog post- http://confessionsofaserialdaterinla.com/2013/01/wtf-perplexed-and-confused/). He was still looking fine as hell. And he was still with one of his typical video vixen type chicks. I immediately went into panic mode. My heart started beating fast. I tried to inhale and exhale deeply. I talked to my inner diva. “Relax, there’s no way in hell he knows about the blog.” He gave me a hug and whispered in my ear.
McDreamy: Nice blog.
Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. He knows! I had to think to think quickly. My wine induced buzz certainly didn’t help matters. So I did what any mature woman would do.
Me: What blog? I have no idea what you’re talking about.
With that I walked off. News flash, sometimes I am still that 15 year old trapped in a 35 year woman’s body. When I started this blog, I knew I was targeting women and gay men. I figured a few men might find out about it. But I never thought my subjects would know. Besides, I changed the names to protect the Foolery. When I write, I feel protected behind my keyboard and lap top screen. I called my mother the next day.
Me: Mommy! I ran into one of my subjects!
Mom: (after cracking up for a good 30 seconds) What did he say?
Me: Nice blog.
Mom: What did you say?
Me: I told him I didn’t know what he was talking about.
Mom: Well why would you do that? You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Me: Mom he probably hates me! I’m mortified.
Mom: You’re going to have to have a thicker skin. Just own your shit!
I hung up the phone with my mom. I loved her candor, honesty, and support. But I still called about 4 other friends of mine who pretty much said the same thing. Two weeks later I was at a networking event. I was at the bar having a sparkling water. And just because Murphy’s Law likes to fuck with me to epic proportions, guess who I ran into again… You guessed it. “McDreamy.”
McDreamy: I was serious when I told you nice blog.
Me: You were?
McDreamy: Yeah. I like how you write. It’s really entertaining.
Me: How did you find out about it?
McDreamy: I just did.
Me: Are you mad?
McDreamy: Hell no! I wanted to frame it. I liked your description of me. It was on point.
Suddenly I relaxed and decided to use this as an opportunity. How often do we as women have the chance to ask man how he really feels? And what the hell is his problem?
Me: I am so glad. I was worried you had put my picture on a dart board. But seriously McDreamy, you are so handsome, smart, and fun. Why do you have to be a freak?!
McDreamy: It’s just a lifestyle I prefer.
Me: Okay. Well I have one question for you. Since you’re into the swinging lifestyle are you bi?
I figured, since he was so open I might as well get all my questions answered.
McDreamy: When I read that I laughed. Hell no. I’m just not into traditional sex. You should try it.
Me: Real funny. Like I said, that’s never going down. It’s just a shame because we could be so good together but you are into some freaky shit that I just could not ever get down with. But I really appreciate you being the honest person you are.
McDreamy: That’s all I ever can be. Keep up the blog. I think it has potential to be big. For real.
We hugged. And it was such a great feeling to really close that chapter. It’s not like he and I had some deep relationship. But what was special for me was getting the opportunity to ask any question that was in my head. And having a man be open and honest. It felt… GROWN. “McDreamy” will forever go down in my books as one of the most honest and upfront men. Oh yeah, and fine too.
So I got over that hurdle. And then a few weeks ago I wrote a post, When the Boss is Away (here’s the original- http://confessionsofaserialdaterinla.com/2013/03/when-the-boss-is-away/). That’s when it hit home that men… straight men were reading my blog. I was at a party and ran into a friend of mine. He said, Dang you really called old boy out. I hope his wife isn’t reading your blog. Then later on that same day I was on Facebook and commented on an old high school friend’s post. His response. Watch out… Russell might be coming for you LOL!
That’s when I freaked out. I called my girlfriend and told her what happened.
Girlfriend #1: Well guuuurl, I can’t lie to you. If I was a guy and had someone I wanted to introduce you to, I would probably think twice. Put the shoe on the other foot. What if a guy wrote about the women he dated would you want to introduce him to your friend?
Me: I don’t know it depends on what he writes. Shit, it’s not like I’m Superhead and writing about some crazy sex shit.
Girlfriends #1: I know. But I’m just saying.
Then I called another friend. Because of course like every good patient you have to get a second opinion. Besides I figured I would get a married friends take on the situation.
Girlfriend #2: I didn’t think about that. But that’s a good point. A lot of men might not like it. But I love it. It’S my weekend reading. I told you I even showed it to my husband.
Me: Well what did your husband say?
Girlfriend #2: (long awkward pause) Uh…
Me: Well, what did he say?
Girlfriend #2: Well, he said, why in the hell would she write about that?
Me: Oh my God! Oh my God. This blog is going to be the cause of me becoming an Old Maid. I’m shutting it down.
Girlfriend #2: Are you crazy?! Why in the hell would you shut it down? It’s entertaining. You can’t do that!
Me: I gotta call you back.
I hung up the phone and went downstairs and grabbed my mega goblet and poured a humungous glass of a 2009 Cabernet I was saving for a special occasion. I figured this was the best occasion. Clearly I wouldn’t be sharing it with my second husband because I would never have another husband because I am writing a blog. I tried to watch TV but still couldn’t concentrate. And just like clockwork my phone rang and it was my mother. Sometimes I think that she has video cameras installed in my house. She always seems to call when I am having moments of major self doubt. I told her what happened.
Mom: Well that’s good, you want people to read it. I told you some of my friends have even shared it with their husbands.
Me: But mommy, I never thought men would read this. What if I meet a guy I really like and he finds out about the blog? Then what? He might leave me.
Mom: Why in the hell would you want to be with a man that would leave you over something so stupid. The right man will support you in all your dreams. I keep telling you really need to develop a tougher skin.
Me: I know, I know.
After 4 or 5 more phone calls to various people with the same opinions I still didn’t feel fully exonerated. Over the next week I tried to write. But I couldn’t get the words out. I was second guessing myself every step of the way. Everything I wrote seemed forced all because I wasn’t being true to myself. You see, when I write my posts I give it my all. I am fully genuine and authentic. I do not pretend to be a dating expert because I am not. I also do not write about any guy I am currently dating or really like. But the sudden steam I had when I started the blog suddenly evaporated and I questioned whether or not to go on. There is a point in everyone’s life where they come to a cross roads. I was at this cross roads. I could either shut the blog down or finish what I started and keep going down this path of uncertainty. That’s when my girlfriend called back.
Girlfriend #1: I thought about our conversation.
Me: You did?
Girlfriend #1: You have to get out of your own way.
Me: I know, but I am beginning to question everything.
Girlfriend #1: How do you think we came to grow and love Mary J. Blige? She wrote songs about her own experiences and they were from the heart. That’s why we love her.
Me: I never thought about it like that. To be honest I miss the bitter 90’s Mary J. Blige. I liked when she wrote about heartbreak.
Girlfriend #1: Exactly. Songwriters don’t second guess themselves.
Me: That’s true.
Girlfriend #1: You need to think of yourself as writing the soundtrack of dating. Get out of your own way.
I got off the phone with her and began to see a small peak of light at the end of the tunnel. I thought back to when I was dating my ex-husband and our marriage. At that time I gave up a lot of things to make him happy. Things that were important to me. And here I was about to fall into the same pattern over an imaginary man I hadn’t even met! I was about to sacrifice my creativity and something I was truly enjoying just so that I could be more “appealing” to someone who didn’t quite exist. How many times have we as women done that? How many times have we sacrificed our own needs and our own desires all so that we could appease someone who wasn’t worthy? That when I made the decision to keep going. I would never ever allow myself to not be true to who I am. Some people may read my blog and say, “This bitch is crazy! Why is she writing about this? I hope she doesn’t tell everything.” There might be men out there who are secretly reading this and think, “I would never let my wife/girlfriend have a blog… I thought she was cool but I don’t want to date her because she might write about me.” Well damn it; don’t give me shit to write about! Perhaps read this and learn what not to do. At the end of the day I am going to finish what I started. All I can do is be honest, genuine, and authentic. If it entertains, great, if someone learns something or it just makes them laugh through a difficult time like a divorce or a relationship ending then even better. All I can say is that Confessions of a Serial Dater in LA is here to stay. I recently came across a quote. “Well behaved women rarely make history.” If full exposure means I am misbehaved. Well damn it, let me continue to write my place in “his-tory” or as I like to call it… “She-tory.” I will continue to stay fully exposed….