After spending the last few days considering a cross country move I decided to exhaust all possibilities here in LA. Like clockwork whenever I am seriously reconsidering living here the weather is extra sunny and the skies are extra clear. I tell ya, this city has a way of screwing with girls emotions. So I thought, maybe I will revisit someone from the past that I might not have given a chance. So I gave “Vince” a call. (refer to my very first post- http://confessionsofaserialdaterinla.com/2013/01/am-i-vain-or-just-deserving/). “Vince” was a cool guy I went out with a couple of time but due to his excessive girth (unfortunately on his waist) I wasn’t sure if I could date him because of my own vanity. But I figured I could put my vanity aside for the possibility of staying in LA. Besides I could help him lose weight. I could make it my personal mission to be his coach and his trainer in his very own The Biggest Loser. “Vince” was overjoyed to hear from me again.
Vince: I thought you forgot about me. You just kicked a brotha to the curb.
Me: I have been on the road. You know how that is. (I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I just wasn’t into him and I had kicked him to the curb. That would have been mean… right?)
Vince: Are you in town for a while.
Me: I am. How have you been?
Vince: I’ll be better if you let me take you out to dinner this week.
Me: You know I live to make you happy Vince! Where should we meet?
Vince: How about Boa?
Me: That works for me.
Vince: Thanks for giving a brotha another chance.
Me: Oh Vince, you are too much.
I hung up the phone and I thought. See, you were just being a vain bitch. You should have given this man a chance. So what if he is a little bigger than you typically like. He is going to adore you. Wednesday night came and I pulled up to Boa. I settled on a fairly casual outfit. To be honest, normally when I am excited about going out with someone I go all out. It takes a few hours of preparation. But since it was “Vince” I didn’t feel the need for all the usual pomp and circumstance so I wore a pair of dark jeans, I bright pink blazer and a pair of heels, with an oversized clutch (in honor of going out with my oversized man). When I walked into Boa “Vince” was sitting down at one of the couches at the bar checking emails on his phone. When he saw me his eyes lit up and he stood. Oh boy… he stood up. He looked like he gained a good 15 pounds more since the last time we went out. I went up to him and gave him a hug. I couldn’t wrap my arms around him. So I tried to focus on something good about him. Okay, he had on a very nice suit. It was obviously custom. I guess it had to be. If you are that large I doubt you can just go to a regular store and buy a suit. I had to once again tame down my inner diva. Give him a chance. He might look like Professor Klump but at least he knows how to court a woman. That’s what you said you were looking for. So bitch sit down and allow yourself to be courted!
We walked to the host stand and he told the young lady his name and she immediately sat us at one of the best tables in the restaurant. Okay, that’s what I’m talking about! Suddenly his extra girth wasn’t so unappealing. That’s not exactly true. But I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, fake it till you make it. I was attempting to test out that theory. He helped me with my chair. The waiter came to the table to take our drink orders.
Vince: I’ll have a cranberry juice with lime and she’ll have a glass of the Dog Point Sauvignon Blanc.
Me: Wow Vince I’m impressed.
Vince: I pay attention.
Vince and I caught up on our lives over the last 3 months. He recently renovated his home and had just returned from taking his kids to Hawaii for their spring break. The conversation was great and the wine was sensational. I was really enjoying my time with “Vince.” I was suddenly willing to overlook his arms resting on the top of his stomach when he crossed them and his rather thick unibrow (something I hadn’t noticed before). As a matter of fact when he crossed his arms over his large stomach I noticed a beautiful yet settle Rolex watch. Okay, this wasn’t too bad. I can overlook the unappealing qualities. The good is outweighing the bad (no pun intended). Then the waiter came to the table to prepare our table side Cesar salad. The waiter was mixing the salad. So I decided to start my Trainer position to help my man lose some eight. I’m sure he could appreciate it. So I subtly said to the waiter.
Me: Light on the cheese and dressing! Um… Please.
Vince: Oh no! Extra cheese and dressing. As a matter of fact please put extra dressing on the side.
Me: I do not like a lot of dressing on my salad.
Vince: (to the waiter) Listen to the person who is paying.
With that the waiter looked at me, shrugged, and overloaded cheese and dressing onto the salad. I ordered another glass of Sauvignon Blanc. This is why I always will work even if I end up married to a zillionaire. I never want to be in a situation where I am beholding to some man all because he holds the purse strings. Don’t get me wrong. I want to be taken care of and would welcome a man who is financial able to keep me in the lifestyle I am accustomed to. But I will always maintain my independence and have “Fuck you” money.
Vince: You always gotta be in control of shit. Just sit back and let me handle shit. I see I’m gonna have to get you in check!
Me: Uh.. excuse me?
Vince: Calm down I’m just playing.
Me: (laughing) Oh I know. You ain’t crazy!
Vince: But you ARE always trying to control shit.
Me: You’re right. I’m working on it.
Vince: We are going to have to figure out a way to get you to let me handle things.
Me: I’m open to suggestions.
I realized he was giving sexual innuendos. The idea of this man naked sent me into a panic. I took a long chug of my wine and tried to shake it off. I also concentrated on not throwing up in my mouth or on him for that matter. Maybe in his mind he thought since we were out on our 5th date he was going to go there.
Vince: You gotta to experience the GRP.
Me: What’s the GRP?
Vince: The Golden Rod of Power.
I literally choked on my wine. Perhaps my ears were still clogged from the flight I had taken last week.
Me: What’s the Golden Rod of Power?
Vince: (he slowed down his speech and enunciated each word like he was teaching me how to read) The Golden…Rod… of… Power.
Just when I was taking a sip of my Sauvignon Blanc it clicked. I figured out what the GRP really was. I literally spit my wine out.
Me: Are you talking about peeing on someone?
Vince: I don’t have to pee on you. It can be the other way around.
I was disgusted. I was mortified. And suddenly the beautiful coloring of the Sauvignon Blanc I was drinking had taken on a different meaning and I couldn’t stomach it.
ME: Have you lost your God damn mind?!
I didn’t realize my voice was raised until I noticed a couple at a table 3 down was looking at us. So I lowered my voice. I wasn’t trying to re-create a scene from The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Vince: Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that shit. You need to save that for some bitch with low self esteem. How dare you?
Vince: Calm down, I was just playing.
Me: No you weren’t. You were dead ass serious. You were trying to feel me out to see if I was some type of nasty ass freak. Well I’m not. You’re absolutely repulsive.
Vince: Damn it’s like that?
Me: Yes it is you disgusting fat fuck. Good night. Good bye. And lose my number. Now go piss on that!
I threw my napkin down on the table and walked out. Thank goodness I didn’t waste a good outfit on this fool! Of course the valet was taking forever to bring my damn car around. I was hoping and praying my car would hurry up and come around. But that damn Murphy’s Law clearly has a bone to pick with me. And “Vince” walked out.
Vince: Look, I was just playing. Seriously I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to take things too far.
It was hard for me to even look at him. What made this man think that I would want his diabetic, high cholesterol piss anywhere near my home let alone my body? Who the fuck does that type of nasty shit? He stood there, all 350 pounds of him. He now looked repulsive. And WHERE THE FUCK WAS MY DAMN CAR???!!!!
Me: Have I given off any type of vibe that I would think that was remotely funny?
Vince: I know, like I said I took things too far and I’m really sorry. Please let me make that up to you.
Me: I thought you were a different type of man. But clearly I was wrong. I’m not even interested in being friends with you. Have a nice life.
Vince: I understand and I hope you can one day accept my apology.
Luckily my car had finally made its away back from the valet. What in the hell was going on with these men? I met one who was a swinger, another one who suggested I wear knee pads, and now a fat fuck that was into Golden Showers? I know I am not putting out a vibe that I am remotely into that kind of shit. As I drove off I had to repeat my mantra…
Do not become bitter. All men are not alike. You have to kiss frogs to get to your prince.
Where in the hell was my prince?! Up to this point not only have I kissed multiple frogs, I even married a demon. How many more lessons, life experiences, and bad dates do I have to go on before I experience bliss? I even attempted to give Professor Klump a chance in an effort to stop being shallow and look where that got me. I have to continue to believe and have faith that the right man is out there. I guess these shitty experiences make it even more special when you finally find your prince. The key is remaining hopeful. The second you lose hope is the point in time where you do become bitter. I decided to make a right on Mulholland and pull over and take a moment to get out of my car and just take a second to stop. At times, you can find yourself on this never ending merry go round called “Life.” Sometimes you go round and round and it becomes monotonous. Lately that’s how I felt. The dating world can push you down, drag your through the mud, and leaving you feeling empty and alone. It’s at those moments when you just have to stop and get off the ride and catch you breath. I had finally reached that point. So I did just that. I stopped. I put my top down. And I sat in my car looking up at the stars. I looked at the brightest star and the thought suddenly occurred to me. Right now at this very moment, my soul mate could be looking at that same star wondering where I was. Praying for God to send me to him. What a refreshing thought! No matter how bad it got, I knew that he was out there looking for me and eventually we are going to find each other. But until then, I vowed I would no longer settle, second guess, and doubt what I need and deserve. I made the decision to continue to believe and have faith that he is coming soon. And what a lucky man he will be. That thought left me in a true Golden State…