I decided to bring you a 2 Part blog. Sometimes I just can’t get a story out in one post. Enjoy…
Since I launched this blog in January I have been asked quite a few times, “What made you start this blog?!” I ignore the times when people ask me this question with a look of horror and judgment. I secretly give them the finger and stick my tongue out at them like a child. But for the folks who genuinely are curious I tell them the story of my worse date ever…
In July of 2012 I decided to take a trip by myself to Maui. I was having an Eat, Pray, Love moment. I needed to get out of LA and just breathe. My divorce had just become final in January of that year. I felt like I never took the time to be by myself and just reflect on the last few years of my life. As you know, I spend a majority of my time travelling for my job. And one of the perks of all that travel is collecting hotel points and airline points. I booked my flight from LAX to Hawaii which cost me a total of $2.50. And then I booked my hotel, which cost me a total of $50. I only told one person where I was going just in case something happened. I left on a Thursday and tuned myself off to the outside world. My phone was off, I didn’t watch TV, and I didn’t speak to any family or friends for a total of 5 days. My mornings were spent in heavy mediation and journaling, my days were spent lounging by the pool having cocktails, and my nights were spent taking myself out to dinners. Needless to say, by the time I returned to the stratosphere, I felt renewed, rejuvenated, and healed. It was closure to the difficult chapter of my life. And I finally felt at peace and okay.
So I celebrated my renewal by meeting my girlfriends at Chaya Venice to tell them about the trip. Chaya Venice has one of the best happy hours in LA. It is always packed. While socializing with my girlfriends a gentleman walked in and asked if the seat next to me was taken. I was in a good mood so I decided to be “witty.” “It’s taken… but I will give you the privilege of sitting there.” He laughed at my humor and asked me what I was drinking. He knew the bartender well. And then he did what all single men should always do when they offer to buy a woman a drink and her girlfriends are standing there, he offered to buy them a drink as well (please note, this only applies to groups of 3 or less…. I’m not expecting you to buy drinks for a party of 10). “Jason” was a TV writer. He was originally from New York. “Jason” was NOT attractive at all. As a matter of fact the angle of his seat made it difficult to really get a sense of his looks. (Or maybe it was the fact I had a few too many cocktails since I had a designated driver that night). So I leaned over to my girl friend and asked her, ”Is he cute? I can’t tell.” Her response was to discreetly take her knife and point it in the direction of her half eaten steak skewer that was smothered in A1 sauce and say, “He looks similar to this.” My friends are just as ignorant as I am. And this is why I love them! We are all WIPs (works in progress). But as I had a few more cocktails his not so stellar looks were over shadowed by his sense of style. He had an east coast NYC vibe to him which exuded confidence. We talked about the show he was working on, jazz, art. It was a great convo. At the end of the evening when he was about to leave, I didn’t notice we had spent the last 2 hours just talking. I forgot my friends were even sitting there. He asked me for my number before he left. I was definitely not attracted to this guy physically. Most women who are of child bearing years will look at a man’s features and picture what their future children will look like. Usually when it comes to your future daughter you are even more selective about who you consider dating because if it turns into something and you marry the guy and have children, often times children get the features of the opposite sex parent. When he asked for my number, I looked at his features, his oversized nose, his too close together eyes, his soup cooler lips and imagined what he would look like as a little girl. My first thought was, “Hell no! Don’t give him the time of day. Run… Run… Think about your future children!” But then, with my newly rejuvenated fresh from Maui self, thought, I would go out with him. Not every relationship is meant for marriage. And I certainly would not risk mixing my good gene pool with anybody! I would never be serious with him. He would just be a guy I would hang out with for fun. If nothing else we could have a great friendship. Like men, women have two categories of men they date as well… The good time guy and the guy you take seriously. This man would certainly be the good time guy. With that, I gave him my number and quite frankly I could have cared less if he called me or not.
As fate would have it, he not only called me, but he sent me a text that evening, “It was great meeting you. I would love to finish our conversation over dinner. Are you free on Saturday? If so let’s meet at Luna Park at 8pm.” Even if I had planned on saying no, Luna Park was one of my favorite restaurants in LA. It was a spot that only true foodies knew about. They had great food, great drinks, and a hip east coast type atmosphere. I was actually impressed that he even knew about this spot.
So Saturday evening came and I was heading over to Luna Park. Of course I was running late (I really need to get better with that). I sent him a text message letting him know I was running 10 minutes behind. I had finally arrived at the valet at 8:10 on the dot. As I was getting out of my car I got a text message from “Jason.” I’m giving you another 5 minutes and then I’m bouncing. I have a 15 minute rule. Ummmm…. Huh? I walked into the restaurant and saw him at a corner booth. He was looking at his cell phone. I could see his not so great features from the light his cell phone gave off. My first reaction was to check him. But again, I was still in my Renewal Maui mode. When I got to the table he looked up from his phone.
Me: Ummmm…. Didn’t you get my text that I was running 10 minutes behind?
Jason: No I didn’t get it. I thought I was being stood up.
Me: One thing you need to know about me is I am a woman of my word. If I say I’m going to be somewhere I’m going to be there.
Jason: My bad. You look beautiful.
Flattery will get you everywhere in my book. The waiter came up to the table to get our orders and ironically he knew this waiter well too.
Me: Are you a food critic? You seem to know all the wait staff and bartenders wherever we go!
Jason: I just make it a point to know the people at the places I love to go.
I could appreciate that. They way a man treats the wait staff says a lot about who he is as a person. If he’s an asshole to a waiter, please know and believe he will be an asshole to you one day. From there the conversation ensued. Come to find out “Jason” had a 22 year old son who he hadn’t spoken to in over 2 years. When dating someone who has kids it is a very fine line in terms of the questions you should ask when you first start dating. But I was curious how a man goes without speaking to his son for 2 years. Seriously, you believe in treating wait staff with respect but you haven’t talked to your own damn son? But I didn’t want to be quick to judge.
Me: It must be hard to not speak to your son.
Jason: That little n**## pissed me off. He was staying with me and he didn’t know how to pick up after himself. Once I came home and caught his ass smoking weed in my house! When I told him that was unacceptable he went into this bullshit about how I wasn’t a father to him most of his life and I shouldn’t be telling him what to do. He said a bunch of other bullshit and I shipped his ass back to his mother’s house.
I know there had to be a bigger story to this. But I also knew I couldn’t cross the line.
Me: Do you think perhaps that was a cry for help?
Jason: Until he learns how to respect me I don’t have shit else to say to him.
I could tell he was getting very tense and his breathing was accelerated. So I changed the subject and kept it on neutral topics. And we got on the topic of art.
Jason: I’m into art. As a matter of fact I have an original Dali at my house.
Me: Bullshit! There’s no way in hell you have an original Salvador Dali piece of art work at your house.
Jason: No bullshit. I’m a collector. I invest my money in art.
I could appreciate he loved art and invested in it. However, Dali has the most forgeries of any living artist. If it is an original with a low number you could have a piece worth a couple thousand dollars, if not than not much. It’s not like he had the fucking Mona Lisa hanging up in his house. I was intrigued. The rest of the date was pretty chill. I made it a point to keep off the topic of his son, although it was certainly a red flag. But I could have cared less given the fact that I wasn’t trying to marry this guy. We went out a few days later and he took me to TH Little Door. And it was the same vibe. He knew the bartender very well. We had a bottle of Rose and dessert and it was cool. I appreciated how this man knew how to court. Then we got on the topic of upcoming birthday in a month.
Me: What are doing for your birthday?
Jason: I’m not sure yet. I’ll probably take a trip somewhere. Since this is a big one?
Me: A big one? Wait a minute… how old are you turning?
Jason: I don’t like to disclose my age.
Me: I thought you were 47.
Jason: No that’s what you guessed, I just didn’t correct you.
Me: So if your next birthday is a big one, then you must be turning 45.
Jason: No close… I’m turning 50.
Record screech to a halt! 50?! If you’re a regular reader of my blog, you know I like and appreciate older men. But 50? That’s was too damn old. 50 is also known as 10 years away from needing to take a pill to keep it up. And in 10 years, I will be in the middle of my sexual peek and have no intention of trying to entertain a wet noodle unless it’s in my pasta! I’m just saying. 46 is my max. That is 10 years older than me. 50? Oh no! That’s just not my speed.
Me: I had no idea you were 50.
Jason: What can I say? I work out.
Me: Why didn’t you correct me then?
Jason: Age is just a number.
Me: So now we’re quoting Aaliyah?
Jason: We just had a cool vibe.
We finished up our bottle of Rose. But again, I wasn’t trying to have a relationship with this man. I was enjoying hanging out with him and having great dinners. He walked me out to valet.
Jason: You’re awfully quiet.
Me: I’m just in deep thought.
Jason: Come on. Don’t let a few years between us get in the way. I’m enjoying my time with you.
Me: I just don’t like that you weren’t honest when we first met.
Jason: Mea culpa. That’s on me. Let me take you out on Saturday. I’ll make it up to you.
I had two choices. I could a) run for the hills. I wasn’t physically attracted to this man and the relationship wasn’t going anywhere or b) let him take me out to another great spot in LA. At the rate I was going I could be a food critic. I chose the latter. And that’s when the craziness ensued….
TO BE CONTINUED….
I was getting my hair ready for the summer. In addition to a cut I decided to go blonde for the summer. You know what they say, blondes have more fun! Many of you know, in addition to styling your hair, hairstylist are also therapists. Hairstylists in LA hold this town’s deepest and darkest secrets and know the Tea! While my hairstylist was putting the finishing touches on my haircut I had just finished telling him yet another dating disaster story. As he spun me around in the chair to take a final look at my slamming haircut we finished our conversation.
Hairstylist: Honey, you need to lower your expectations!
Me: What? Are you crazy? I will never lower my expectations ever again. I did that before and look where that got me! A divorce! Besides that the problem with women today. They have no standards and because of that men aren’t stepping up to the plate!
Hairstylist: No honey, I didn’t say lower your standards, I said lower your expectations. You always, place such high expectations on a guy when you are first dating them and when they don’t live up to them right away you either kick him to the curb or you are so disappointed…
I sat and stared at myself in the mirror. Once again, I have been getting so many perils of wisdom when I least expected it. I didn’t realize I was in a daze until my hairstylist snapped me out of it.
Hairstylist: Now, I know you aren’t about to tell me you don’t like it. This color is everything!
Me: Oh no! I love it. I was just thinking about what you said.
Hairstylist: Again, I’m not telling you to lower your standards but just lower those expectations, especially in the beginning.
I got in my car and realized it would take me too damn long to get over the hill at this hour so I decided to grab a drink at The Beverly Wilshire Hotel bar. I sat at a table, ordered a glass of Parker Station Pinot Noir. And it tasted so good. I was savoring every single sip. I kept thinking about what my hairstylist said… Lower your expectations not your standards… I thought about how I had dated up to this point in my life. He was probably right. I did expect a lot and for good reason. But perhaps I needed to change that. I recently went out with “Ron.” That’s the guy I met unexpectedly during my business dinner. (refer to blog post A Speedy Recovery- http://confessionsofaserialdaterinla.com/2013/04/a-speedy-recovery/) for the deets.
The day after I met “Ron” my girlfriend/colleague sent me a text message asking if it was okay that she give him my number. I said, “Hell yeah!” When I met him there was a definitive attraction. I thought he was fine as hell, smart, charming, funny and genuine. She absolutely could give him my number, cell phone number, social security number, hell just give him all my info! I’m such a mess! Within 5 minutes I got a text message from “Ron.”
Ron: So I met a new friend yesterday. The convo was cool. She seemed like good peeps. She’s also a friend of a friend/biz colleague. Do you know where I can find her? Please tell her “Ron” is trying to contact her. LOL!
That will forever go down as one of the sweetest endearing text I’ve received. So I responded
Me: You’re in luck. I just happened to bump into her.
Ron: Are you free tomorrow night? I would love meet up with you.
Me: I’m free after 7.
Ron: Cool. I’ll figure out a cool spot and I’ll see you then.
Now this was off to a nice start. I was anticipating meeting “Ron” and here I was going out with him the next night. By the way, just a side note, I recently went on a diatribe in a former post about married friends who say, “You’ll meet the right one when you’re not looking.” In this situation, I WAS looking. I made it a point to put myself out there as most single women should do. Did I happen to meet a man in a place where I didn’t expect it? Yes. But at the end of the day, as a single gal, I’m always looking. I just felt the need to clarify. As you can tell that’s one of those topics I feel strongly about. Anyway, I digressed. I was really excited about going out with “Ron.” We decided to meet at this new spot in the valley Page 71 Lounge around 9pm. So I got to the spot around 9:12. Looked around and didn’t see “Ron.” I decided to find a spot to sit since it was getting crowded. Fifteen minutes later I get a text from “Ron.”
Ron: Sorry I am running behind. Got caught up with the family. I’m in route.
What the fuck does “in route” mean? Does that mean you’re in your car heading over? OR does that mean you’re just now walking out the door. I was so annoyed. I thought to order a glass of wine while I waited but decided against it. Why in the hell would I spend money on a date that I might possible be leaving before he got there? With each passing minute my annoyance got greater. I looked at my phone and saw it was now 9:30. This man was 30 minutes late! I texted my girlfriend and told her what was going on. Her response was, ”Give him another 10 minutes. If he doesn’t show up by then leave. He should have been there waiting for you to come in not the other way around. Don’t leave yet.” I looked around the spot and perhaps it was just me feeling paranoid but there was a group of 3 women sitting across from me hanging out and I felt like they were staring at me like, “This bitch got stood up!” My phone buzzed and I saw it was a text from “Ron.”
Was it too much for me to expect that a man be on time for a damn date? Finally “Ron” walked in. I had to calm down my inner diva who wanted to smack the shot out of him. Instead I looked at my wrist like I was tapping my watch.
Ron: I am so sorry I am late. I don’t get together with my family often ad every time I was trying to leave they kept holding me up.
Me: Those ladies over there probably thought I was getting stood up!
Ron: Well I will spend the entire night making them jealous (he gave me the warmest tightest hug). What can I get you to drink?
Me: I’ll just have a glass of Sauvignon Blanc.
Ron went to bar to get our drinks. Okay, my nerves were slowly starting to calm down after seeing him. Besides that hug was nice and he was looking good. He skin was looking extra chocolate and delectable. And when I hugged him I smelled a slight hint of a nice cologne. I love a man that knows how to pick out a good cologne. He came back with my Sauvignon Blanc and a beer for himself. “Ron” was such a… man. He was masculine and confident. I learned a lot about him. He was 42, divorced, and he had a daughter. I can appreciate a man who has children from a former marriage and not just some random woman he was fucking at the time. He was very open about his marriage and what went wrong. But most of all he talked a lot about his love for his daughter. Which made him even more attractive. One of the things about dating a man who has been married before is they have a clearer understanding of what they are looking for in relationships. He also asked me a lot about myself. Lately on dates I noticed a lot of men had a case of diarrhea of the mouth. They will tell me a bunch of shit about themselves but never bother asking me any questions about me. So I was enjoying the dialogue between the two of us. But something in my spirit wasn’t feeling right. In the past, I would ignore this feeling one because I wasn’t as much in tune with myself then as I am now or two because I really didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to be disappointed. But it was something you had to do. So I went for it.
Me: Ron, you seem like such a cool guy. You also seem very clear in what you are looking for when it comes to relationships. Do you have a girlfriend?
“Ron” took a long pause and took a sip of his beer.
Ron: Well actually I’m just getting out of something.
Me: Interesting. What does that mean?
Ron: I was in a relationship but we are in the process of ending it.
Me: In the process of ending it? What exactly does “in the process” of ending it mean? Do you two live together?
These are the times when I hate being a “grown-up.” Sometimes living in ignorance is a good thing. That bitch we call Reality loves to fuck with me! It’s her personal mission to ruin my love life!
Ron: We do. But she’s moving out in two weeks.
Picture the air slowly being let out of a balloon that is exactly what I felt like. Deflated. “Ron” could tell I was disappointed.
Ron: Look I wasn’t expecting to meet you the other day. But I met you and I was interested and I wanted to get to know you. I hadn’t planned on meeting someone like you but I did and I didn’t want to wait.
I took a deep breath and took a second to take in what he was telling me. A lot of times, I am quick to rush to judgment. Or “check” a man he falls short of my… expectations. But this time I didn’t want to react right away. I just needed a second to receive the information.
Me: Well first, let me say I appreciate your honesty. I think it would be foolish for me to expect that you weren’t seeing anyone else. And I get it. I wasn’t expecting to meet anyone that night either and I think you’re cool. I just need some time to process this info and decide what I’m going to do.
I didn’t realize how much time had went by until the lights were coming on. I looked at my phone and it was 2:30 in the morning.
Ron: I guess it’s time for us to head out.
Me: I guess so.
Ron: I’ll walk you to your car.
As we stood up to walk out, out of the blue “Ron” gave me a kiss. I pulled back and was having a slight inner war in my head between my intelligent self and my inner diva. I had to remind myself of what this man just told me. Damn! As “Ron” opened the door for me he looked at me.
Ron: I hope that I can still get to know you.
Me: You gave me a lot to think about.
The next day my girlfriends were all waiting with anticipation to find out how my date with the mystery man went. I called my girlfriend who was my usual voice of reason and told her what happened.
Girlfriend: Oh man! That stinks!
Me: I know! It really does.
Girlfriend: But I know people who are really getting out of a relationship but live together and it gets complicated. My friend was going through a divorce and they were living together during that time while they were trying to settle. And she was dating other people and so was he. You don’t know if you even like him like that. I’m telling you give it time. You will have all the information you need in the next two weeks.
Me: I don’t even know if I like him like that.
Girlfriend: Exactly! Sometimes we take things to seriously. You’re dating. Collecting data!
I went to the gym and had an intense workout. The thing I appreciate about my gym time is it allows me to really think and sweat it out. Although I hate going to the damn gym by the time I leave after an intense workout I have a greater amount of clarity. When I left the gym that evening my spirit still didn’t feel easy. At the end of the day, this man was living with another woman. He needed to regroup and once the shit was over get back on the dating scene. And I get it. Neither one of us were expecting to meet each other. It’s such a Catch 22. If he had never called after our chance encounter I would have thought my sense of connection was off. He called, we went out, and he was completely honest with me (or so I think). Some women have the wear with all to date a man who is going through a break up. For me, I didn’t. Besides, bitches are crazy. Think back to the Bush Bitch (http://confessionsofaserialdaterinla.com/2013/01/the-bush-bitch-3/) I didn’t need to have anymore woman jumping out of a bush ready to fight because I was out with their man. And in that scenario I had no idea he had a girlfriend. In this scenario, he was “in the process” of ending a relationship with a live in girlfriend. This was too complicated. My girlfriend was right though. Within 2 weeks I had all the information I needed to know my decision to keep it moving was right. “Ron” texted me a few times after the date. You know the typical…Things have been so busy text.” I took it as code language for, “Me and my girlfriend are back together” or code language for “I know you’re not down with dating me until I get my shit together so I am going to gradually back off.” Either way, I didn’t respond and I decided to keep it moving.
But I did think about expectations when it comes to dating. When I met this great guy I expected that things would work out for the best because of how we met. I decided I needed to learn how to go with the flow more when it came to dating and just let the truth be revealed. At the end of the day, not every man we meet is going to be “the one.” Sometimes, I think we as woman are so hopeful or longing so much for companionship we do put these huge expectations on men and when they don’t live up to them we are disappointed and understandable so. But what would happen if we decided to let go of all of our expectations when we first start dating and go with each moment? After all aren’t expectations merely ways we protect ourselves from getting hurt? That doesn’t mean that we let go of our standards but we really let go of putting so much on these unsuspecting men. Do you think we would enjoy the process more? Just a thought…
©Monique Kelley and Confessions of A Serial Dater In LA, 2013-2018 Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Monique Kelley and Confessions of A Serial Dater In LA with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Copying my posts and changing some of the words is still plagiarism.