I was getting my hair ready for the summer. In addition to a cut I decided to go blonde for the summer. You know what they say, blondes have more fun! Many of you know, in addition to styling your hair, hairstylist are also therapists. Hairstylists in LA hold this town’s deepest and darkest secrets and know the Tea! While my hairstylist was putting the finishing touches on my haircut I had just finished telling him yet another dating disaster story. As he spun me around in the chair to take a final look at my slamming haircut we finished our conversation.
Hairstylist: Honey, you need to lower your expectations!
Me: What? Are you crazy? I will never lower my expectations ever again. I did that before and look where that got me! A divorce! Besides that the problem with women today. They have no standards and because of that men aren’t stepping up to the plate!
Hairstylist: No honey, I didn’t say lower your standards, I said lower your expectations. You always, place such high expectations on a guy when you are first dating them and when they don’t live up to them right away you either kick him to the curb or you are so disappointed…
I sat and stared at myself in the mirror. Once again, I have been getting so many perils of wisdom when I least expected it. I didn’t realize I was in a daze until my hairstylist snapped me out of it.
Hairstylist: Now, I know you aren’t about to tell me you don’t like it. This color is everything!
Me: Oh no! I love it. I was just thinking about what you said.
Hairstylist: Again, I’m not telling you to lower your standards but just lower those expectations, especially in the beginning.
I got in my car and realized it would take me too damn long to get over the hill at this hour so I decided to grab a drink at The Beverly Wilshire Hotel bar. I sat at a table, ordered a glass of Parker Station Pinot Noir. And it tasted so good. I was savoring every single sip. I kept thinking about what my hairstylist said… Lower your expectations not your standards… I thought about how I had dated up to this point in my life. He was probably right. I did expect a lot and for good reason. But perhaps I needed to change that. I recently went out with “Ron.” That’s the guy I met unexpectedly during my business dinner. (refer to blog post A Speedy Recovery- http://confessionsofaserialdaterinla.com/2013/04/a-speedy-recovery/) for the deets.
The day after I met “Ron” my girlfriend/colleague sent me a text message asking if it was okay that she give him my number. I said, “Hell yeah!” When I met him there was a definitive attraction. I thought he was fine as hell, smart, charming, funny and genuine. She absolutely could give him my number, cell phone number, social security number, hell just give him all my info! I’m such a mess! Within 5 minutes I got a text message from “Ron.”
Ron: So I met a new friend yesterday. The convo was cool. She seemed like good peeps. She’s also a friend of a friend/biz colleague. Do you know where I can find her? Please tell her “Ron” is trying to contact her. LOL!
That will forever go down as one of the sweetest endearing text I’ve received. So I responded
Me: You’re in luck. I just happened to bump into her.
Ron: Are you free tomorrow night? I would love meet up with you.
Me: I’m free after 7.
Ron: Cool. I’ll figure out a cool spot and I’ll see you then.
Now this was off to a nice start. I was anticipating meeting “Ron” and here I was going out with him the next night. By the way, just a side note, I recently went on a diatribe in a former post about married friends who say, “You’ll meet the right one when you’re not looking.” In this situation, I WAS looking. I made it a point to put myself out there as most single women should do. Did I happen to meet a man in a place where I didn’t expect it? Yes. But at the end of the day, as a single gal, I’m always looking. I just felt the need to clarify. As you can tell that’s one of those topics I feel strongly about. Anyway, I digressed. I was really excited about going out with “Ron.” We decided to meet at this new spot in the valley Page 71 Lounge around 9pm. So I got to the spot around 9:12. Looked around and didn’t see “Ron.” I decided to find a spot to sit since it was getting crowded. Fifteen minutes later I get a text from “Ron.”
Ron: Sorry I am running behind. Got caught up with the family. I’m in route.
What the fuck does “in route” mean? Does that mean you’re in your car heading over? OR does that mean you’re just now walking out the door. I was so annoyed. I thought to order a glass of wine while I waited but decided against it. Why in the hell would I spend money on a date that I might possible be leaving before he got there? With each passing minute my annoyance got greater. I looked at my phone and saw it was now 9:30. This man was 30 minutes late! I texted my girlfriend and told her what was going on. Her response was, ”Give him another 10 minutes. If he doesn’t show up by then leave. He should have been there waiting for you to come in not the other way around. Don’t leave yet.” I looked around the spot and perhaps it was just me feeling paranoid but there was a group of 3 women sitting across from me hanging out and I felt like they were staring at me like, “This bitch got stood up!” My phone buzzed and I saw it was a text from “Ron.”
Was it too much for me to expect that a man be on time for a damn date? Finally “Ron” walked in. I had to calm down my inner diva who wanted to smack the shot out of him. Instead I looked at my wrist like I was tapping my watch.
Ron: I am so sorry I am late. I don’t get together with my family often ad every time I was trying to leave they kept holding me up.
Me: Those ladies over there probably thought I was getting stood up!
Ron: Well I will spend the entire night making them jealous (he gave me the warmest tightest hug). What can I get you to drink?
Me: I’ll just have a glass of Sauvignon Blanc.
Ron went to bar to get our drinks. Okay, my nerves were slowly starting to calm down after seeing him. Besides that hug was nice and he was looking good. He skin was looking extra chocolate and delectable. And when I hugged him I smelled a slight hint of a nice cologne. I love a man that knows how to pick out a good cologne. He came back with my Sauvignon Blanc and a beer for himself. “Ron” was such a… man. He was masculine and confident. I learned a lot about him. He was 42, divorced, and he had a daughter. I can appreciate a man who has children from a former marriage and not just some random woman he was fucking at the time. He was very open about his marriage and what went wrong. But most of all he talked a lot about his love for his daughter. Which made him even more attractive. One of the things about dating a man who has been married before is they have a clearer understanding of what they are looking for in relationships. He also asked me a lot about myself. Lately on dates I noticed a lot of men had a case of diarrhea of the mouth. They will tell me a bunch of shit about themselves but never bother asking me any questions about me. So I was enjoying the dialogue between the two of us. But something in my spirit wasn’t feeling right. In the past, I would ignore this feeling one because I wasn’t as much in tune with myself then as I am now or two because I really didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to be disappointed. But it was something you had to do. So I went for it.
Me: Ron, you seem like such a cool guy. You also seem very clear in what you are looking for when it comes to relationships. Do you have a girlfriend?
“Ron” took a long pause and took a sip of his beer.
Ron: Well actually I’m just getting out of something.
Me: Interesting. What does that mean?
Ron: I was in a relationship but we are in the process of ending it.
Me: In the process of ending it? What exactly does “in the process” of ending it mean? Do you two live together?
These are the times when I hate being a “grown-up.” Sometimes living in ignorance is a good thing. That bitch we call Reality loves to fuck with me! It’s her personal mission to ruin my love life!
Ron: We do. But she’s moving out in two weeks.
Picture the air slowly being let out of a balloon that is exactly what I felt like. Deflated. “Ron” could tell I was disappointed.
Ron: Look I wasn’t expecting to meet you the other day. But I met you and I was interested and I wanted to get to know you. I hadn’t planned on meeting someone like you but I did and I didn’t want to wait.
I took a deep breath and took a second to take in what he was telling me. A lot of times, I am quick to rush to judgment. Or “check” a man he falls short of my… expectations. But this time I didn’t want to react right away. I just needed a second to receive the information.
Me: Well first, let me say I appreciate your honesty. I think it would be foolish for me to expect that you weren’t seeing anyone else. And I get it. I wasn’t expecting to meet anyone that night either and I think you’re cool. I just need some time to process this info and decide what I’m going to do.
I didn’t realize how much time had went by until the lights were coming on. I looked at my phone and it was 2:30 in the morning.
Ron: I guess it’s time for us to head out.
Me: I guess so.
Ron: I’ll walk you to your car.
As we stood up to walk out, out of the blue “Ron” gave me a kiss. I pulled back and was having a slight inner war in my head between my intelligent self and my inner diva. I had to remind myself of what this man just told me. Damn! As “Ron” opened the door for me he looked at me.
Ron: I hope that I can still get to know you.
Me: You gave me a lot to think about.
The next day my girlfriends were all waiting with anticipation to find out how my date with the mystery man went. I called my girlfriend who was my usual voice of reason and told her what happened.
Girlfriend: Oh man! That stinks!
Me: I know! It really does.
Girlfriend: But I know people who are really getting out of a relationship but live together and it gets complicated. My friend was going through a divorce and they were living together during that time while they were trying to settle. And she was dating other people and so was he. You don’t know if you even like him like that. I’m telling you give it time. You will have all the information you need in the next two weeks.
Me: I don’t even know if I like him like that.
Girlfriend: Exactly! Sometimes we take things to seriously. You’re dating. Collecting data!
I went to the gym and had an intense workout. The thing I appreciate about my gym time is it allows me to really think and sweat it out. Although I hate going to the damn gym by the time I leave after an intense workout I have a greater amount of clarity. When I left the gym that evening my spirit still didn’t feel easy. At the end of the day, this man was living with another woman. He needed to regroup and once the shit was over get back on the dating scene. And I get it. Neither one of us were expecting to meet each other. It’s such a Catch 22. If he had never called after our chance encounter I would have thought my sense of connection was off. He called, we went out, and he was completely honest with me (or so I think). Some women have the wear with all to date a man who is going through a break up. For me, I didn’t. Besides, bitches are crazy. Think back to the Bush Bitch (http://confessionsofaserialdaterinla.com/2013/01/the-bush-bitch-3/) I didn’t need to have anymore woman jumping out of a bush ready to fight because I was out with their man. And in that scenario I had no idea he had a girlfriend. In this scenario, he was “in the process” of ending a relationship with a live in girlfriend. This was too complicated. My girlfriend was right though. Within 2 weeks I had all the information I needed to know my decision to keep it moving was right. “Ron” texted me a few times after the date. You know the typical…Things have been so busy text.” I took it as code language for, “Me and my girlfriend are back together” or code language for “I know you’re not down with dating me until I get my shit together so I am going to gradually back off.” Either way, I didn’t respond and I decided to keep it moving.
But I did think about expectations when it comes to dating. When I met this great guy I expected that things would work out for the best because of how we met. I decided I needed to learn how to go with the flow more when it came to dating and just let the truth be revealed. At the end of the day, not every man we meet is going to be “the one.” Sometimes, I think we as woman are so hopeful or longing so much for companionship we do put these huge expectations on men and when they don’t live up to them we are disappointed and understandable so. But what would happen if we decided to let go of all of our expectations when we first start dating and go with each moment? After all aren’t expectations merely ways we protect ourselves from getting hurt? That doesn’t mean that we let go of our standards but we really let go of putting so much on these unsuspecting men. Do you think we would enjoy the process more? Just a thought…
This week has been a doozy! You know how you have one of those weeks where everything and everyone just pisses you off and you feel alone and lonely. This week was the epitome of it. I was in a bad place and didn’t know how to shake myself out of it. I knew it was bad when someone cut me off on the highway not only did I cuss them out, “You stupid bitch!” But I followed them! I was a lunatic on wheels. Luckily for them and me they were able to dodge me! I knew when I was feeling like this I had to take extra care of myself and literally go into hiding until I was able to shake it off. I went to my acupuncturist and each needle that was placed in emotional points I screamed in pain. She was like, “What is going on with you? You’re energy is off. I need you to come twice a week for a while so we can balance you out again.” So I retreated to my home and just allowed myself to be alone and let any emotion I was having come up and deal with the shit. I took much needed “me” time. Sometimes you’re taught to push down your emotions and not allowed to be in a bad place. People make you think that if you’re not happy all the time and in a good mood then something is wrong. Well damn it, sometimes its okay for a gal to have a moment, be down in the dumps and just stay there until you’re ready to come out of it. By Sunday, I was beginning to feel like myself again.
I realized my mood was triggered by some feelings about the ex (the constant foolery seemed to never come to an end), my current dating situations, or lack there of, and just the scary thought… “What if I NEVER meet Mr. Right? What if I end up alone forever?” I was beginning to emerge back to the land of the living so I took a nice Sunday stroll to the Farmers Market to pick up my flowers for the week. As I took my stroll it was 85 degrees in LA, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and the flowers were extra vibrant. I made myself a great dinner, and I cracked open a nice bottle of wine and sat on my couch and got ready to watch some good Reality TV. There’s nothing like watching pure foolery to realize your life isn’t as bad as you thought it was. That’s when my cell phone rang. When I looked at the screen I saw it was “Malachi.” A part of me smiled because “Malachi” was a man who I really liked. The other part of me rolled my eyes in utter annoyance. I was just beginning to get back on track emotionally. I had two choices. I could a) answer the phone and be annoyed or b) ignore the call because “Malachi” had shown me who he was. Decisions… Decisions… Decisions… Let me catch you up to speed on the good Doctor “Malachi.”
I met “Malachi” a few months ago when I was home for Christmas vacation. He was a 41 year old Oncologist. He was recently divorced and had an 8 year old son and a thriving practice. Ironically we discovered we both went to the same college. When we met there was an instant connection. He was handsome as hell, smart, driven, funny, charming, and sexy. The man was the complete package. He called me the day after we met and asked me out for lunch the following day. When I walked into the restaurant and saw him sitting there I got nervous! Me. Nervous! Literally my stomach was doing butterflies. I had changed my outfit at least 3 times before I got there. This was a feeling that was new to me. I go out on dates all the time. But with this guy I was nervous in a good way. When he hugged me I could smell his cologne. Eww weee! My inner diva did cartwheels all throughout the restaurant. When the waiter came to take our order I decided to hold off on having a glass of wine. Instead I ordered a sparkling water. I wanted to be fully present for this date (another first for me). The conversation just flowed. When I got over my initial nervousness and allowed myself to enjoy the date it was effortless. We stayed in the restaurant for a good 3 hours. Then we went to the mall and finished up our Christmas shopping, then we went to a movie, and after the movie we sat in his car and just talked. Before I knew it, it was 2 in the morning. We literally had a 10 hour date. He drove me to my car and waited with me while it warmed up. I forgot how your windows freeze on the east coast in the winter. He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. It was a great first date. We went out two more times while I was home for the holidays. And the last night he finally gave me a kiss. It was a good one too, passionate yet respectable. I was floating on air. Me and the fine ass Doctor. I thought he was different than any other guy I have been out with. It just felt right. When I got to LA we continued to talk on the phone. When we originally met he mentioned he was going to be in LA for a wedding the following month and I also knew I would be on the east coast for work quite a bit so it was a win-win situation. I waited for him to tell me the details of when he would be in LA. When two weeks passed and he didn’t mention it I asked him.
Me: When are you coming to LA for the wedding?
Malachi: I’m not sure if I am going to come. I sent them a gift. But I am going to try to make it out here soon. I have a few people out there I need to see.
Me: Okay. Well let me know.
Malachi: For sure. We’ll talk soon.
Record screeched to a halt. We’ll talk soon. What the fuck did that mean?! There were a few things wrong with this conversation. First of all, he should have been making plans to get his black ass out to LA immediately to see me. Also, what did he mean, “I have a few people out there I need to see.” What the fuck did that mean?! And the final knockout blow to my ego, “We’ll talk soon.” What the hell? I hung up perplexed, confused, and wondering if perhaps the connection I felt with him was one sided. It wouldn’t be the first time I was off. I decided to pull back and just go with the flow and see what happened. “Malachi” continued to call me. We continued to have great conversations.
He never did make his way out to LA for the wedding. I noticed a pattern developing with him. Whenever we would have deep conversation he wouldn’t call for a few days. Whenever I let go and connected with him he would pull back. I had no idea what the hell we were doing. So I stopped returning his calls for a while. And then he would start blowing up my phone. I had a business trip back east planned and we made plans to see each other. We met for dinner at a great Italian restaurant. I still had the butterflies when I saw him. He sat next to me during dinner and held my hand. I felt like we had established a good friendship up to this point. But I still had no idea what we were doing. So instead of playing the Guess What The Hell He Wants game I decided to have a grown folk conversation with him.
Me: I’m trying to figure out what we are doing here. I like you and I think you’re a cool guy. But I’m not sure what you’re looking for.
Malachi: I like you to. I think you’re cool and I want to get to know you more. You’re smart, beautiful, and you went to the best university on the planet.
Me: That’s good to know. I just need to know where you are coming from.
Malachi: I hear you. And I want to get to know you as well.
Me: If you want to b friends that’s fine, but I don’t kiss my friends.
Malachi: I don’t want us to just be friends.
What a relief. So after that date. I thought there was a clear understanding of where we were going and what he was looking for. And of course like clockwork he went MIA. To be honest I didn’t think it was another woman. I just think he had gone through such a crappy divorce that he had baggage. It was something I could certainly relate to. But it was getting ridiculous. To be honest, I was getting exhausted of the up down roller coaster ride with him. I hated holding back and having to play these games. So when we spoke again I was just very frank with him.
Me: Malachi, I feel like you have this wall up and I’m not exactly sure how to handle it.
Malachi: Am I that emotionally fucked up?
Me: I’m not saying you’re emotionally fucked up. But I do think you are holding back. I don’t even think you are doing it consciously. But whenever we connect you put a wall up. And I can only do this for so long before I am done and when I’m done I’m done.
Malachi: Maybe you’re right. But you gotta give me a chance. I’ll work on it. If you had a cousin who was mentally off and he didn’t know how to hold a fork would you stop talking to him or would you help him to learn how to pick up his fork.
“Malachi’s” sense of humor is what attracted me to him but at that moment I Wanted to take a fork and poke his eyes out. I was trying to works with the brotha. In the past I was so quick to run for the hills. But there was something about him that made me want to work with him.
Malachi: I’m just saying. I’ll work on it. I didn’t realize I was doing that. By the way, I’m coming out to LA soon.
Me: Good! Finally!
I hung up the phone and it felt like we had made progress. We started communicating regularly and I was feeling like we had turned a new leaf. Things were going really well until he pissed me off… again. I tell you I am exhausted even writing about this foolishness. It was a Friday night and I went to my neighborhood spot to have a cocktail and unwind after a long work week. I happened to be on the phone with “Malachi.”
Malachi: It’s loud all of a sudden where are you?
Me: One of my favorite neighborhood spots having a glass of wine.
Malachi: Well have fun. Take someone home with you!
Long awkward pause…
Me: I’m going to talk to you later.
With that I hung up the phone. I was done. What the fuck was he thinking? A few minutes later I get a text from “Malachi.”
I appreciate all of your support.
I ignored it. And then he sent me another text.
Go home alone! LOL!
I ignored it. The worse thing a woman can do outside of texting drunk is texting when a man has pissed you the fuck off. So I took a few hours and I sent him a text back.
You are a piece of work. Have a nice life.
I already knew what was going to happen. I knew he would call me the next day and feel me out and try to figure out if I was pissed or not. Of course I called my girlfriends and the consensus was that statement was bullshit. It’s like was purposefully trying to push me away. So the next day he called. I answered and was very dry. He knew I was pissed. Did this man say, “I’m sorry. I took the joke too far.” Nope he just talked like everything was okay. So finally I told him I was busy and I hung up. He called me two days later.
Malachi: Hey how are you?
Me: I have to be honest you really pissed me the fuck off the other day.
Malachi: I know I did and I apologize.
Me: I’m letting you know right now. You have cashed your last check. I already told you when I’ done. I’m done. I’m really trying to work with you but you’re making it hard.
Malachi: I knew I went too far. My bad.
I was exhausted from this relationship. And I use the term “relationship” loosely. And of course this all happened around the time when I was already in a shitty place to begin with. Here’s the thing. When a man is into you he’s into you. Here I was dealing with a man who was 3000 miles away and he couldn’t even act like he had an inkling of sense?! I began to get it. I was safe for “Malachi.” He could call me when he was bored and shoot the shit. I do believe there was a connection and who knows what would have happened if I lived on the east coast. But this was bullshit and I knew it. I am a 35 year old woman. I would be a fool to think that I can make an emotionally unavailable man change. When he’s ready and open to be in a relationship and open up perhaps if I am still available and single we could work. But at this point I recognized this was pure absolute unadulterated bullshit and I had to protect myself and my heart. I was just beginning to feel like me again. My acupuncturist put those needles in the right points and my energy was feeling normal again. My walk to the farmer’s market put me at peace. And I was serious when I said I would no longer date a man that was not what I needed. Emotional Availability was at the top of my A List. I had discussed with “Malachi” how I was feeling. I wasn’t in the mood to revisit it. To be honest, you can tell a man until you’re blue in the face what you need and what you desire. But if they aren’t willing or able to do it then you have to walk away. Or else, you will drive yourself over the edge with frustration because deep down inside you know you are not getting what you need. I was married to a man who didn’t give me what I needed and I thought eventually things would change. And it didn’t. And I was frustrated with myself for staying in a relationship and marriage with a man who didn’t, wouldn’t, and couldn’t give me what I needed. I believe “Malachi” was a test. And as I sat on my couch looking at my phone with his name on the screen this was the final part of the test. So what did I do? I hit ignore. Put the phone down and continued having my glass of wine. I knew I made the right decision when “Malachi” didn’t even leave message. You see, I know that when I meet “the one” things will feel right. I won’t question how a man feels about me, or feel like he isn’t honoring me. I will know it and he will show it. Just like my acupuncturist gave me the order to come to her twice a week for a while. I was giving myself a prescription. If shit didn’t feel right you must keep it moving. And I was planning on sticking with that order. I knew if I did I would eventually find my way to a healthy relationship.
©Monique Kelley and Confessions of A Serial Dater In LA, 2013-2019 Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Monique Kelley and Confessions of A Serial Dater In LA with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Copying my posts and changing some of the words is still plagiarism.