Every year these bullshit articles/blogs come out about single black women and the struggle of finding good black men. As of late I have been bombarded with these various articles and blogs. In the first blog a single woman of 40 writes about how she has made herself okay with the fact that she more than likely will never have kids or a marriage. She is beautiful, successful, and smart but she has not been able to find her significant other so she has made herself okay with the idea of having no kids and being by herself. The next article a woman in her late 30’s discusses her research on post feminist women (herself included) who are successful and should accept that more than likely they will have to end up with a man that is either not as successful as she is or a man who is successful but is a playboy because statistically speaking that is the best society has to offer. She even went into all the research she did for the article interviewing women with the same perspective! Then there is the annual article about how black women should consider dating outside of their race in order to find happiness since their options for black men are limited. It goes on to addresses the increase of black men who are in prison, gay, or not dating black woman so therefore a single black woman should either a) make themselves okay with the idea that they will never find true love, b) date outside of their race, or c) date beneath them. Throw out the idea that there is a perfect man out there for them and reside themselves with the idea of settling.
This is absolute total bullshit and women are starting to believe it. Not only are they starting to accept this foolery but they go as far as sending these ignorant articles out to their friends on Facebook and then have people liking the status or commenting on it. Do not get me wrong, if you are interested in dating outside of your race. By all means do so. Hell, when I was in Paris over the summer I saw some fine ass European men that definitely had me reconsidering my ideal man. And every time I see Henry Cavil I have a few minutes of imagining what our mixed children would look like. I see my future children the coloring of café au lait with wild curly blondish brown hair. Okay I digressed… My point is I am not against black women dating outside of their race if they chose to not as a fall back plan because of a false belief there isn’t a black man out there for them. I also have friends who are dating or married to men who do not make as much money as them. And again, that is fine as long as that women isn’t settling for something she doesn’t want because she thinks it is not possible to find it.
It is already bad enough I have friends reading this crap and posting it but now MEN are reading these articles and starting to believe their own hype. So you have successful, single, black men who happen to be on Facebook reading these posts and the comments and believing that they are a rarity and therefore bringing this into their dating life. I remember reading one of these articles during the aftermath of my divorce. (These articles tend to emerge when you’re already at you most vulnerable place). I was questioning everything about myself. My future as a newly divorced woman back on the dating scene, would I ever be able to love again, was I deserving of a real and healthy relationship. Any dating self doubt I had was right on the surface. And I just so happened to read one of those depressing articles.
Enter “Edward” a hotelier from the east coast. We met years ago when I had first started dating my ex husband. He tried to ask me out and I was in a relationship so I of course I refused. I am sure I was one of the few women who had ever turned him down. As fate would have it, when I went to South Beach for a post divorce weekend of relaxation with the girls I ran into him at a pool party. He was looking good. Tall, chocolate, and rich. He had just opened his second hotel in Atlanta. Granted I lived in LA and he was on the east coast we exchanged numbers and started talking everyday over the phone. He was in the process of opening another boutique hotel in LA and was spending more time on the west coast. It was a perfect introduction into dating after the divorce. The distance was great because it allowed us to really get to know each other and gave me the space to take my time. “Edward” was one of the most arrogant men I ever met in my life. In the beginning his self confidence was a turn on. The arrogance I found extremely sexy and charming when I first met him was beginning to get on my damn nerves. If he wasn’t talking about his latest project, he was talking about his Maserati or his latest painting he bought for his house. Everything was about “Edward.” I was merely an audience in the “Edward Show.” And I was really trying to work with him. Then he started making little comments that rubbed me the wrong way.
Edward: What are you doing tonight?
Me: I’m going out with my girlfriends to a birthday party.
Edward: You’re going out again? Did your ex-husband let you go out as much?
Me: What do you mean “let” me go out? I don’t need anyone’s permission to go out. What’s your point?
Edward: Calm down, I was just asking. You’re always out. You should stay home and relax.
Me: Edward, I’ll call you in the morning.
Then there was the time he was in town for MY birthday weekend and he took me with him to his tailor where he spent 3 hours (literally no over exaggeration) picking out shit for himself! Custom shirts, suits, ties, cuff links. You name it he bought it. Did the bastard even ask me if I wanted as much as a handkerchief?! Ummmm… no!
The straw that broke the camel’s back was one night when we went out to dinner at Boa Steakhouse in Beverly Hills. This is one of my favorite spots. I do not eat red meat but I find steakhouses usually have the BEST sides. I have no idea how we got onto this conversation about SBF. But somehow he managed to bring it up.
Edward: I know a lot of successful single black women out there.
Me: I know a lot of successful single black men too. (trying to hide the annoyance in my voice)
Edward: I know, but it’s different for men we have more options than y’all do. I think the problem with successful single black women is they don’t know how to let the man be the man. Y’all are always trying to control shit.
Me: (taking a sip of the $200 bottle of Caymus Cabernet he just ordered) What do you mean?
Edward: I think women who make a lot of money no longer know how to be submissive. And that’s why it’s hard for them to find a good man.
Me: What makes you think it’s hard for them to find a good man? I know a lot of white women, Asian women, and Latina women who are successful and single as well. So what’s your theory behind them? (Right as a I said this, in walks Kobe Bryant with Vanessa Bryant holding hands)
Edward: (tilting his head towards Kobe and Vanessa smirking) Well that’s different because they have their pick of men. Black women don’t.
Me: You’re single. Why haven’t you landed a woman yet?
Edward: Because I can be selective. I have a lot of options. Besides I’m a man. My biological clock isn’t ticking. I talk to women all the time about how it is hard to find a good black man. I also read those articles that my homegirls post on Facebook. I’m not the first person to state these facts. (Swirls the wine in his glass and arrogantly takes a sip).
Me: I wouldn’t necessarily call them facts. I don’t subscribe to that.
Edward: I think a lot of you successful single black women need to lower your standards. Or else you’ll find yourself 40 and alone.
Me: That’s absolute bullshit.
Edward: Look I’m not the one who made this up. Talk to your girls who post the articles. I read all of them and I know I’m a rarity… Finish your food babe.
I sat there and visualized myself stabbing him with my fork, getting up and splashing my wine in his face, but decided against it. The thought was refreshing. After leaving dinner I was disgusted, annoyed, and I even had a moment of thinking he might be right. There I sat across from an arrogant asshole who thought he was God’s gift to women and the person I had to blame for that was the women who fed into the bogus articles. Hell, if I’m honest with myself, I ended up marrying the wrong man because deep down inside, I thought he was the best I could get. I was tired of the dating scene and I was ready to settle down. I chose to overlook that we had absolutely nothing in common but he had the right criteria on paper. That belief had me in a shitty relationship. I do have a lot of beautiful and successful single friends who are looking for love. And the dating scene is a struggle. And it is at moments like this when I began to question all aspects of being a single black female (SBF). I began to think that perhaps being in a shitty marriage was better than being alone. At these low points, these stupid ass articles come out and I begin to fall for the hype. And for a mere second I question my decisions and my concept on love and finding a true soul mate.
Then my intellectual inner loving mother smacks me into reality. The reality is it is far better to be single and alone than married and alone. I have such a full and great life that anyone I allow to enter into it has to enhance it and bring something to the table. The bigger reality is we as women must STOP reading and supporting these articles. And even more so, we MUST stop sharing them. What’s happening is some men are reading them and believing the hype and thinking that single black females are desperate and will put up with anything when that really isn’t the case. How can we get men to respect us and honor us if we put out there that it is so hard to find a good one? I want to start a movement. Moving forward if there are any of these articles out, do not comment on them, do not post them, do not believe them, and most of all STOP telling men how hard it is to find a god man! You’re fucking it up for the rest of us!!!!! You must ask yourself what is the purpose of these articles? What good does it do? Why not post articles about women in their 30’s and 40’s finding true love because they did not settle and believe the hype? We must support each other in our search for Mr. Right. I did the settling leg work for you and I can confirm it is not worth it. There are good black men out there. Think of it, at this very moment there is a man out there who is searching, praying, and hoping to find his soul mate. It could be you. Do not give up hope and do not settle. In the meantime, enjoy your time as an SBF…