Case of the Dating Vapors

Is this thing working?????

There is always something going on in LA. If you don’t pace yourself you end up running yourself ragged trying to go from one event to the next. It was one of those nights for me. I had just watched a performance of Cirque du Soleil for a work event and after the show attended a cocktail reception. From there I had to head straight over to the W Hollywood Residences for another networking mixer. Why I do this to myself at least 3 days of the week I will never know. In addition to my diagnosis as a Serial Dater I also had a self diagnosed severe case of FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). Seriously, I can’t expect to meet anyone if I am sitting at home twiddling my thumbs reading a book. For people who try to keep up with my schedule they will find themselves in a corner passed out by Thursday night. I get it. I’m intense. Life is just too short to miss out on new adventures. So l left that great performance exhausted as hell, made a pit stop at Coffee Bean to grab a vanilla latte, and high tailed my ass over to the next event. It was worth it. I walked into a star studded chilled back mixer. Jamie Foxx, Shaquille O’Neal, Megan Goode (pre- Devon Franklin), and other members of the who’s who of black Hollywood were in attendance. There was an abundance of food and drinks and we were on the top floor in a fabulous penthouse that over looked the city. I decided to take a break from the hustle and bustle of the party and went outside on the balcony where it was quiet. LA is a sight to be seen at night with all the twinkling lights. The reflection of infinite possibilities. I was enjoying the view and sipping on a glass of Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc reflecting on how far I had come. Only 2 years prior I was in the midst of a bitter divorce battle, depressed, and wondering what would become of me. Now here I was, at an A list party, not as a Hollywood wannabe starlet but as an actual power player. It was moments like that when I thought about how ordinary and boring my life would have been if I stayed in an unhappy, unfulfilling marriage to a man who had no idea of what dreaming big and stepping out of your comfort zone meant. I was finally at peace. I took a deep breath closed my eyes and exhaled. That’s when I heard a voice from behind me said, “Do you mind if I join you?” I was slightly annoyed because I was really enjoying having a moment to myself. I didn’t want to be rude. But I had a long day and I really just needed 15 minutes of solitude. I turned around about to give my typical I’m just taking a moment to MYSELF speech. I mean seriously, can’t people tell when you’re not in the mood to be bothered.

Me: I’m just taking sometime to myself. I’m really not trying to be bothered….

Then I turned around and saw what was in front of me and quickly changed my mind. “Gary” was a 42 year old recently divorced (what’s up with 42 year old recently divorced men. I’m beginning to see a pattern here), former MLB player turned producer. And before you get all excited about the MLB part he only played for 3 years and that was many many moons ago. He had that Blair Underwood clean cut look. He came to the party with a friend of his that he lost somewhere in the party and was taking a breather from the party as well. Gary had no kids, and he actually lived in LA but travelled often for work. He had a corny sense of humor. He was one of those guys that laughed at his own stupid jokes. But I found that cute. It gave him a certain amount of vulnerability and humility. He didn’t have that typical arrogant LA in the know attitude. He was genuinely a nice guy. As we talked the more I started to think this might be a sign. Everything happens for a reason. When we exchanged numbers and I left the party I was intrigued by “Gary.” I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I couldn’t remember the last time I was really excited to get a call from a man. The next day I tried to keep myself busy at work. I updated my profile picture on Facebook in case he tried to do a cyber investigation for info on me. Every time my phone would ring I would hope it was him. Seriously, I was really acting like a total clown over a guy I barely knew. Around 9pm that next night I finally got the call from “Gary.” We talked o the phone for hours. We made plans to meet 3 days later at Bodega Wine Bar in Pasadena. You already know he got a gold star on that one. I love wine and I love old Town Pasadena charm. The day of our date I changed my outfit at least 3 times and settled on a short flowing belted dress with stilettos. I walked into the restaurant and there he was sitting waiting for me. He gave me the warmest tightest hug. And things just seemed so right. One of the things I appreciated about dating a man who has been married before is they have such a different perspective on relationships. They typically have learned from their mistakes and the things they did and didn’t do in their marriage. And generally, if they have an ounce of sense, they try to do things better. Afterwards we took a stroll down Colorado Blvd. When we crossed the street he gently touched my lower back to guide me along and he took my hand and we were walking hand and hand. We went into Pottery Barn and the sales lady thought we were married. I had to fight off the vision of him waiting for me at the end of the aisle as I took my last and final stroll down the aisle to be his wife. He walked me to my car. And there under the same twinkling sky that we met a few days earlier he gave me the softest and sweetest kiss. I drove off and was in a daze. Within minutes I got a text message from him.

Gary: I had an amazing time with you. Looking forward to seeing you again soon.

Me: Ditto. Thanks for a great night.

The next day I just knew I would hear from “Gary.” By 9:30 that next night I didn’t receive a phone call. I called my best friend and gave her the run down on the date and we both agreed most men don’t want to look too pressed so I should hear from him in the next day or so… 2 freaking days went by and I still hadn’t heard from him. I thought to myself, what the fuck is going on here? Just when I was picking up my phone to call him, my television flashed a preview of the upcoming movie He’s Just Not That Into You. I put my phone down and began pacing back and forth. I hated that damn book. I hated that book even more than I hated Steve Harvey’s book. That book should be re-titled The Best Way to Fuck Up A Woman’s Self Esteem. But it’s true. I hated to admit it. When a man is into you, he’s going to call and he’s going to show his interest. Call me old fashioned but I am not chasing after a man. The way you start a relationship dictates the way the relationship will flow. If that asshole “Gary” was interested in me he would call me. This is why I hated liking a guy, because I didn’t know how the hell to act. I begin to get too much in my head and lose the upper hand. Just as I was about to file him away into the ASSHOLE category, my phone began buzzing on the table. It was a call from “Gary.” I did my hallelujah dance, jumped up and down, and took a deep breath and answered… calmly.

Me: Hello

Gary: Hello beautiful. What are you up to?

Me: I just left the gym. (A blatant bullshit lie. But I wasn’t about to tell him I spent the last 4 hours obsessing over why his black ass hadn’t called me yet)

Gary: I’m so sorry I’m just getting back to you. It’s been a crazy week. But I would love to see you. Are you free Friday?

Me: That will work.

Gary: Okay. Cool. Let’s plan on meeting around 8. I’ll text you that day once I figure out the location.

Me: Sounds like a plan.

I hung up and did another “Hallelujah, I got a second date dance.” Friday couldn’t come fast enough. But I had to sit myself down for a heart to heart. If I continued down the road I was going I was going to go bald stressing myself out about what was going on in his head. After all, I was the catch here. Any man who wants to be with me had to realize that. Sometimes we as women forget what we bring to the table when we get excited over a man who has so much “potential.” I think I was just excited because this was the first time since the divorce that I met a man who a) lived locally, b) was attractive and smart, c) who had the qualities I was looking for in a man. So I settled on the mantra from The Help but with a twist:

I is kind… I is smart… I is important… I is beautiful… I is successful… And if this man fucks this up he is a fool!

I is kind… I is smart… I is important… I is beautiful… I is successful… And if this man fucks this up he is a fool!

Friday finally arrived.  When I hadn’t heard from him by 1 pm I figured he had a busy work day and was in meetings all day. When 6pm rolled around I called my phone directly to make sure it was working. By 9pm that night it sank in. I think I have been stood up. Me… Stood up at the ripe age of 35? I know I hadn’t lost my dating touch. I tried to call him, because I assumed he was in the hospital on his death bed, or he better had been. The phone rang and rang and rang. I left a message. I didn’t say what I really wanted to say which was, “What the fuck is your problem, where the fuck are you?” Instead I said:

Hey Gary. I was just calling to touch base with you. Give me a call when you get a chance.

The next day came there was no return phone call and there was no text message. There was nothing. “Gary” was an official case of the Dating Vapors. My ego was deflated and I was so upset. I thought I had a connection with him. I thought I played everything just right. Dating really is a gamble. You are playing Russian Rolette with your emotions and putting yourself out there. Some women would have taken this and became bitter and taken the “I hate all men” attitude but I couldn’t allow myself to do that. The one thing I always had even after my divorce was the belief that true love really does exist. The second you lose sight of that and become a bitter woman is the moment you miss out on the possibilities that lie ahead. Yes there will be disappointments in dating that make you question everything you ever believed and even question yourself. But as Shakespeare once said, “It’s better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.” The same thing goes for dating. You have to be willing to take chances knowing that you might lose. But you always have to be willing to be a player in the game. And when all else fails, remember the mantra… I is kind… I is smart… I is important… I is beautiful… I is successful… And if this man fucks this up he is a fool!

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