The Missionary Position

An acquaintance of mine was having a mixer for her clients.  She insisted that I attend.  I reluctantly headed over to Nic’s in Beverly Hills after work.   I was all about new adventures and breaking out of my comfort zone these days.  As soon as I walked into the door my friend ran up to me and gave me a big hug.  As she hugged me she whispered in my ear, “There’s someone here I want you to meet.”  Okay.  I didn’t mind getting set up.  It’s always nice to meet someone that came with references.  I would have preferred to get a heads up.  I might have gotten a little more dressed up for the occasion.  First things first, I headed over to the bar and got a Lemon Blush martini that Nic’s is so famous for.  As the bartender handed over my martini, my friend was leading a guy over to me.  He was probably about 5”9.  He was one of those guys who worked out… too much.  He was too damn buff/borderline stocky.  I could tell if he stopped working out those swollen muscles would turn into flab.  He wore glasses and had on a pair of slacks and a tucked in button down shirt.  He wasn’t unattractive but he wasn’t my type.  He was what I would call… Beige.  Meaning he didn’t do it for me, he was just plain and uneventful.  When I saw him my mind didn’t automatically think about him tearing my clothes off and throwing me on the bed and having his way with me.  But I wasn’t repulsed or turned off.  What most men don’t realize is most women know whether or not they want to fuck you within 5 minutes of meeting a guy.  But one of two things happen:

1-       We meet and are turned on by you and figuring out ways to hold out and then a man will say or do something so stupid they lose their chance of getting any

2-      We meet and there isn’t an initial connection but within time you sweep us off our feet that before we realize it we are in a vertical position in the midst of passion.

“Warren” was definitely in category 2.  My friend introduced us and she was grinning from ear to ear like she won a pageant.  “Warren” was in finance and had recently started his own financial consulting company.  He was 38, never married, and no kids.  We made our introductions and I politely excused myself and had a one on one with my girlfriend.  I was always leery of a single girlfriend introducing me to a guy.  My first question was if he was so great why in the hell didn’t she date him?  Her response was the typical response I get when I asked that question.  “Girl, he’s like a brother to me.”  I looked her in her eyes took a sip of my cocktail.  Mmmmm…hmmm.  A brother?  I read through her bullshit.  He was too short, too stocky and too nerdy and she was pushing this man off on me.  I looked around the mixer and didn’t see anyone worth getting to know.   When I saw “Warren” sitting at a table by himself drinking a beer I decided to go have a conversation with him.  The traffic was still heavy heading back over the hill and I certainly wasn’t in the mood to unleash my road rage by sitting in traffic.  I took a deep breath, ordered another martini and went over to “Warren.”

Me:  Is anyone sitting here?

Warren:  You are.

Me:  Are you having fun?

Warren:  It’s alright.  You know your girl threatened if I didn’t come here tonight I would be losing one of my testicles.

Let me find out Mr. Stocky had a sense of humor.  I sat there and talked to him for the next hour.  He had a great sense of humor and was somewhat charming.  It was definitely a pleasant surprise.

Warren:  I would love to take you out this weekend.

Me:  Really?  Where? 

Warren:  Let me surprise you.  What’s your favorite kind of food?

Me:  I love sushi. 

Warren:  Say no more.  I’ll pick you up Saturday at 7.

Me:  I don’t usually let strangers pick me up.  You could be a serial killer or some shit like that.

Warren:  You have a reliable reference.  Besides I’m kind of old school.  I like courting a woman.

Before I knew it I was giving “Warren” my address and cell phone number.  Saturday rolled around and I found myself meeting “Warren” outside of my home in his silver corvette.  YUCK!!!  I always considered Corvettes to be the poor man’s Porsche.  I hated them.  They were so… common.  But whatever, I got into his pride and joy.  I could tell he really thought he was doing something.  Then of course, as usual I had to talk to my inner diva.  “Stop being a bitch.  Give the guy a chance.”  I found myself constantly having to tame my inner diva these days.  I rolled my eyes and decided to make the best of the evening.  While we were in the car his mother called.  Instead of taking her off speaker phone Warren answered it.

Warren:  Hey mom!  What’s up?

Warren’s Mom:  Just checking on my baby.

Warren:  I’m good.  I’m heading out to dinner with the young lady I told you about.

What the fuck?  He told his mother about me.  I wasn’t ready for all of this.  Even worse, was this man a momma’s boy?  I was married to one of those and the thought of being with another momma’s boy sent me into panic mode.   I wanted to jump out of the moving car.

Warren’s Mom:  Well hello there!

Me:  Uh…. Hello.

Warren’s Mom:  You all have fun now.  Take care of my boy.

Me:  Uh…Okay.

I looked over at “Warren” and he was beaming with joy.  This is why I take my own car to dates.  I was officially stuck with him for the rest of the night.  When we got to valet and went up the elevator we were greeted with a spectacular view of downtown LA.  He took me to Takami Sushi.  I was pleasantly surprised.  Perhaps I was rushing to judgment on “Warren.”   Suddenly the stocky framed nerdy guy was automatically elevated to possible boyfriend status.  When the waitress came up to the table he ordered a bottle of expensive Zinfandel Red Wine.  I was impressed.  He knew his wines.  Sometimes great things are discovered in stocky packages.  The conversation ensued.

Warren:  I hope I picked a good spot.

Me:  You picked well.  I’m so used to trying to control things so I am pleasantly surprised.

Warren:  Good!  So, what’s your story? 

Oh shit.  I hated that question.  This was the only thing I hated about dating, that awkward conversation that must happen.  You know the typical.  Why are you single?  What are you looking for?  If I could skip over that shit, dating would be so much easier.

Me:  What do you mean?

Warren:  You’re obviously a beautiful woman.  Why hasn’t someone snatched you up?

I became an expert at diverting those kinds of questions.

Me:  Why hasn’t someone snatched you up?

Warren:  Who me?  I have no idea.  I know I’m sexy…

He then leaned back in his chair and simulated the act of tweaking his nipples.  He thought he was being funny.  But I was disgusted.  I came close to throwing up in my mouth.  I took a chug of my wine.  Looked out the window at the beautiful skyline of Downtown LA and tried not to run out of the restaurant.  I think “Warren” sensed my disgust and tried to back pedal.

Warren: There was once a time when I was so pressed to get married.  It was all I wanted.   I found myself getting depressed because I couldn’t meet the right woman.  Then I made the decision to let go and let God.

Me:  I can certainly understand that.  So you’re a very religious man,

Warren:  Absolutely.  I love the Lord.

Me:  Okay.

Warren:  I’m very active in my church.  Many people think I have the gift to eventually become a Pastor.

I took another chug of my wine.  I had been around those super duper religious folks who judged everyone and were the most hypercritical people you could ever meet.  I knew I wanted a man who was a Christian and who was spiritual but I had no intentions of being trapped by one of those super duper religious men again.  I had just gotten out of that and realized that wasn’t for me.  But I decided to hear this man out.  I couldn’t assume that all people were alike.  I was keenly aware that I still had left over crumbs from my marriage and I didn’t want to let that baggage ruin it for the next guy.

ME:  A Pastor?  That would mean if you and I ended up together I would be a first lady?

Warren:  Yeah.  I would expect you to become active in my church as well.  I run the youth ministry and Sunday school.  It is definitely a calling for me.

I immediately had flashback to being forced to go to my ex’s church and living short of his expectations.  As well as the hypocrisy of what was preached and what was being practiced.  Don’t get me wrong.  I go to church every Sunday and I know I wouldn’t be where I was if it wasn’t for my faith.  But the idea of being with another man who was blinded by his “religious beliefs” freaked me out.

Me:  I already have a church home of my own that I love.

Warren:  You’d like my church. 

Me:  So you’re looking for a missionary type huh?

Warren:  I never thought of it like that.  But I am looking for a woman of the cloth.

ME: So once you become Pastor of you church.  What if one of your congregants came in here and saw you and I sitting here having a bottle of this wine?

Warren:  That wouldn’t happen.  Once I dedicated my life to the Lord in that way, I would no longer give in to the flesh.

I suddenly envisioned myself wearing calf length skirts, white gloves, and a big hat.  I thought about the idea of never having wine.  Or worse yet, sneaking it when my “husband” was preaching at his church.  I thought about once again being in the bondage.  And I freaked out.  I literally had a hot flash.

Warren:  Are you alright?

Me:  (fanning myself with a napkin) I’m sorry Warren.  But I just got out of a situation where I was with a “religious” man and it was complete hypocrisy.  I’m not a missionary.  I like my wine, I like to party, I like to live life on my own terms.  Don’t get me wrong.  I go to church.  I pray every day.  And I know if it weren’t for my faith I wouldn’t have made it to where I am now,  But I could never be a preacher’s wife or a Missionary.  Is that what you ultimately are looking for?

Warren:  (long awkward pause)  Well, yes.  It is.

Me:  Then I’m not the one for you.

We left dinner and the ride home was uncomfortably silent.  “Warren” walked me to my door.  And suddenly he grabbed for me and kissed me and shoved his tongue down my throat.  I pushed him away.  And he looked at me completely confused.

Me:  What is your problem?!   I don’t know you like that!  This is our first date.  I thought you were a man of the cloth!

Warren:  I’m not yet.  Can I come inside?

Me:  Are you serious?

Warren looked at me confused.  I went into my house and slammed the door in his face.  I realized I probably over reacted. But I could not ever put myself into a situation when I was boxed into the ideology of someone else and their wants.  And again, I don’t want to come off like I am a heathen.  But I am not a missionary.  The idea of become a Pastor’s wife was not for me.  I realized “Warren” was one of those guys who had a picture of what his life was supposed to be and any woman who came into his life had to be willing to fit into his picture.  More importantly, that wasn’t who “Warren” was.  I never wanted to be in a situation where a man was conflicted between who he really and truly was and what he thought he was supposed to be.

After I washed my face and put on my pajamas.  I couldn’t sleep.  I was tossing and turning.  So I got out of the bed and went into my meditation room.  I got on my knees and I prayed.  I prayed that I would find the husband God wanted me to have.  I prayed that all the residuals from my broken hurt were cleared.  I prayed that I met the man who was right for me.  More importantly when I met him I wouldn’t mess it up and he would be ready.  I finally reached a point where I knew I couldn’t do it on my own.  After I finished praying, I got back into my bed and I fell to sleep right away.  I knew I had faith that I was going to get it right.  I surrendered and acknowledged that it was no longer in my hands.  You don’t have to be a Missionary to realize that at the end of the day this dating thing and meeting Mr. Right isn’t in your own hands.  You had to be willing to ask for help and guidance.  And I was finally at peace….

 

 

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