When you write a blog about dating it is the inevitable, people will want to give you unsolicited advice. I have learned to develop a thicker skin when it comes to the various advice I have been given. People fail to realize, I obviously know how to date. Hell! I once was married so I certainly know how to close the damn deal. I think people assume since I haven’t met “the one” just yet that I need “help.” In the last few months the “advice” I have been given varies and I usually have a comeback for all of these “nuggets” of “wisdom” (clearly I am in a Quote happy sarcastic mood as I write this):
~ You don’t need to tell any guy you are first dating about this blog. It will turn him off and you’ll be single forever.
Me: If he is that easily turned off and insecure then I don’t need to date him. You’d be surprised how many men I have met that want to get the female perspective on dating. Also, if they don’t give me anything to write about they won’t become a subject.
~ You need to be more open. Have you considered dating outside your race? You are so well traveled and classy a lot of black men will be intimidated by you.
Me: I will date who I am attracted to. All races have fools. I haven’t given up on black men and I never will. There are plenty of well traveled classy black men out there. Hell I just need to meet one!
~ You need to move. There are no good men in LA.
Me: So how do you explain all the single women in other cities? Granted LA is different breed but I love it here. If I meet someone and fall in love with them and they happen to live in another city then I will cross that bridge when I get to it. But I am certainly not going to leave a city I love and be doing the exact same thing in a city I don’t.
~ Don’t you think you’re a little picky?
Me: No. I’m bringing a lot to the table and so should the man I date.
~ Have you considered online dating? I know quite a lot of people who have been successful with dating online.
Me: I know a lot of people where online dating worked for them and they are happily married. I tried it for one week a few years ago and it’s just not for me.
I was finally reaching my breaking point of advice. The other thing that kills me:
~ Are you dating anyone?
Me: I’m dating everyone.
~ Have you met anyone special yet?
Me: Trust me, when I do, you’ll be the first to know.
Seriously, don’t they know if I had met someone special I would let them know? I’m not sure if my annoyance is because I haven’t met anyone special or if over the last few months I have been bombarded with the same damn question. The only time it is acceptable to ask a single person that questions is if it is followed up with:
Well I know a great guy who is single and would be perfect for you. Since you’re not seeing anyone can I give him your number?
I tried online dating a few years ago and I found it wasn’t for me. Don’t get me wrong, I have met plenty of people who are now happily married and met using online dating. So I am not hating on them and I know it is possible to meet a good man via online dating. But my experience wasn’t necessarily positive a few years back. First of all E Harmony makes you go through this long ass questionnaire. And then each day you are bombarded with profiles of various men none of which were my type by any stretch of the imagination. Then there was Match.com. This seemed like a total hook up site. First of all, I need for men who participate in online dating to get the memo:
Selfie pictures of yourself standing in front of your bathroom with no shirt make you look creepy and somewhat gay. Just sayin’
On top of that, I came across profiles of a few guys I know. And then I happened to get an email from a guy I know who saw my profile:
Now you know we should have gotten together a long time ago. What’s up? Let’s make it happen.
I have to be honest here. I was mortified. It’s one thing to be online dating and feel a sense of security that no one knows exactly who you are until you are ready. It’s another thing when someone you know sees you on the site. I felt desperate and exposed. Not to mention this was a guy who I was NOT nor would ever be physically attracted to… EVER! So now he thought he had a chance and knew I was pressed enough to do online dating. Just when I was already feeling doubtful about this whole online dating thing my friend who was recently divorced at the time told me she was on E Harmony and they matched her up with… her ex-husband!!!! Can you believe that shit? If the algorithms supposedly work for this online dating matching suggestions then how in the hell did they match her with her crazy ex-husband? That was enough to send me over the edge. I immediately shut down my accounts and vowed I would never ever do online dating again!
Fast forward 3 years later to present time. Recently I got set up on a blind online date. A friend of mine took it upon herself to use her match.com account and check out some guys that she thought fit my criteria and she sent them notes on my behalf. I had no idea she was doing this (refer to the post Picture Perfect http://confessionsofaserialdaterinla.com/2013/05/picture-perfect/) you know I got a picture of one of the guys. “Norman” was a motivational speaker and author. He lived up north in the San Francisco area. From his picture I could tell he was handsome and he was 6’5. I’m a sucker for a tall man with a nice body. But you can never tell when it’s a selfie picture. He ended up calling me and we had a great conversation. But there was something in my spirit that just didn’t feel right. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but as you now, I have made a conscious choice to listen to that intuition no matter what because that is a gift we have as women. You know how some men just seem a little overly eager? Well this guy was one of them.
Norman: You are beautiful.
Me: Thank you.
Norman: I asked God to bring me an angel and then I met you.
I took a deep breath and tried not to throw up in my mouth. Was the fool reading something out of a Corny Pick Up Lines book?
Me: Thank you.
Norman: You must have men tell you that all day every day.
Me: Ummm… well…
Norman: You are just so beautiful.
Okay… Got it… I am beautiful… on to the next subject. That’s what I wanted to say. He was about to make a left turn into the town of Creepyville. But instead I did a smooth transition into another topic.
Me: So what made you do online dating?
Norman: I am don’t really like to go out much. “Norman” is not a drinker so “Norman” doesn’t do clubs and I am so busy and focused on work that I figured I should give it a try besides there aren’t a lot of women like you here.
Did this fool really refer to himself in the 3rd person? You already know I do not like men who don’t drink. That isn’t a selling point f or me. And he was a loud talker. I suddenly envisioned him and I out having dinner at some exclusive restaurant and him telling a story so loud the entire restaurant patrons were looking at us. “Norman” and I continued the convo. He was 43, divorced, and he had a 10 year old son. He and his ex-wife had a very bitter divorce. “Norman” wanted to get remarried again eventually, but like most people who have gone through a divorce, he wanted to make sure he got it right the second time. “Norman” was planning to come out to LA a few weeks later. He happened to have some meetings in the area and he wanted to meet up. We spoke a few times over the phone and I noticed a few things. The whole entire “motivational speaker” thing was adding up. He also mentioned he was back in school getting another masters. The main reason I prefer dating men who are older is I assume they had their shit together. They should have finished all of their schooling and be working on building and maintaining their career. Things just weren’t adding up. I wasn’t about to meet up with some random stranger and show up missing. So I did what any smart woman would do. I sat on my couch, with a glass of wine and opened up my laptop. I typed in “Norman’s” name on Google images. After all, if he was such a big time motivational speaker and author I am sure his info would come up. As I waited for the images to download, I savored my wine. I also savored my space. That’s one of the advantages of living by yourself. You can do what you want, when you want to, uninterrupted and not have to explain shit. I saw the picture of the cover of his self published book. Okay that fact checked up. There were a few other images of him promoting his book. Then I clicked on the second page of images and there it was…. A fucking MUG SHOT!!!! I did a double take. I even pulled up the picture I had of “Norman” on my phone just to make sure it was him. And yup it was. Not only was it a mug shot, but it was a recent mug shot from last year. Okay now, before I went into judgmental bitch mode I decided to find out what he was arrested for. Was it a DUI? Was it a mistake? Upon further research it was domestic battery. Awwwww…. Hell no! You see now. It’s one thing to have made a mistake back in your 20’s. But this man was 40 fucking 3! And you know with my mouth I can’t be with a man who can’t control his temper or else you would see a mug shot of both of us! This is why I don’t do the online dating thing! But for me I need to be able to meet someone in person and feel out their energy.
Here’s the thing, when you are single you will get all kinds of advice. People will tell you what you’re doing wrong, why you’re still single, who you should consider dating. In other words you get all kinds of unsolicited advice. At times it is hard to tune out all the noise. But you have to get to a point in your singledom where you know who you are, you’re secure in your walk, and know what works for you. There are plenty of people who have met their soul mate online and are happy as can be and it worked for them. For me, I know it’s just not for me. It’s great to be in a place where you are secure in who you are and what you need and are looking for that you can walk the walk without the unsolicited advice and be okay. It’s a process to get here, but now that I am finally secure in my own shoes, it has made the entire dating thing bearable. So thanks so much for all the advice but… I got this!