Mirror…. Mirror On the Wall…
Since it’s been a while since I have been out with someone that I genuinely like and the feeling is mutual and reciprocated this man really had me looking at myself and how I date.
I am FINALLY back home in LA. Oh LA how I love thee. I hadn’t been in my own bed for almost 3 weeks. I always say LA has a way of welcoming me back home with open arms. When I walked outside of LAX the beautiful non humid weather greeted me. As I opened the door to my home, I felt such a sense of peace and calm. When I finally got in my bed… my oasis, I drifted off into a deep uninterrupted sleep. But something interesting happened while I was back east. And I will have to be a little vague. Anyone who reads my blog on the regular basis knows my general rule of thumb; I do not go into detail about a guy I really like and am currently dating. But I am going to break my rule… slightly. While back east I reconnected with someone from my past (that’s all you’re getting). It’s been a while since I have gone out with someone that a) I really like and b) am looking forward to the possibility and c) makes some damn sense! I never want this blog to come off as a Bitter Woman rant because that’s not me. I believe in love. I believe in happy ever after and I truly believe there are good men out there. So I want to make sure I address the good dates as well as the bad dates. I also do not consider myself a dating expert. All I can do is tell you my stories and maybe you learn something from it and/or you’re entertained.
Fast forward to present time. Going out with this guy really had me taking a look at myself and how I date. Since it’s been a while since I have been out with someone that I genuinely like and the feeling is mutual and reciprocated this man really had me looking at myself and how I date. So here’s what I discovered:
Allow the man to be the man…
When we initially made plans to hang out it was raining heavily. I really didn’t feel like driving with all the crazy Jersey drivers. If you think LA folks can’t drive, in Jersey it’s coupled with non driving fools with major attitudes. And East coast rain is so different than west coast rain. It’s violent and has an agenda to fuck up your day. Whereas, LA rain is just about giving the flowers and the grass some extra sheen. So I sent the “Mystery Man” a text:
Me: What’s up with this weather? Did you still want to meet tonight given the monsoon that occurring outside?
Mystery Man: I can pick you up that way I can assure a safe return.
Wow! This man lived a good 30-40 minutes away from me. I didn’t want him to go out of his way. At first I was going to tell him not to worry I would meet him in the city. But then my Inner Loving Diva shook some sense into me and said, Um… Bitch! YOU always say how you want a man to court you. This man is offering to pick you up. Let him court you and be the man. Besides you already know him so it’s not like he’s some sort of sociopath! And that’s just what I did. I texted him my address, he picked me up, and we headed off to the city. This man opened doors for me, pulled out the chair, AND he made it a point to walk on the outside of the sidewalk. These are all things a man should do. These are actually things we should EXPECT a man to do. But sometimes either a) they man has no sense and doesn’t realize that’s what he’s supposed to do or b) we don’t allow him to do it. I know I am not the only woman who has made things easy on a guy at times, just so I don’t come off as being “too high maintenance” or I don’t want to “inconvenience” him. Well damn it, I AM high maintenance (with good reason) and when a man is offering to go out of his way for you… damn it let him. If you decide not to, don’t tell me there aren’t good men out there who do not know how to court.
Allow the man to be the man…
Date your friend…
There’s something to be said about going out with a man who is really your friend. It makes things effortless. Now let me reiterate. I am NOT saying you should date a man who is your friend, who you aren’t attracted to, and settle. However, if there is a mutual attraction. Go for it. I have known this guy for quite a while. I have no idea where this thing is going and I plan on taking me time to figure the shit out so if for some reason it doesn’t work out we can still be friends. But there is something refreshing in sending a man a text and not having to worry about if I am sending it too soon or am I doing too much. There’s something nice about having a history with someone too and being able to relate to each other on so many different levels. We just get it.
Date your friend…
Date like you did in college…
This does not mean to take me out to the Olive Garden or another college budget type spot. But remember before dating was complicated and you had all that baggage? Remember the innocence? Remember just going for shit without thinking too much about it? Remember not overanalyzing shit? Remember the times before your heart was broken? Before the broken engagements, the divorces, the custody battles? Remember the time when you just dated from the heart and whatever happened? Let’s go back to the age of innocence. I admit there have been times where I have let my hurt and heartache from the past dictate how I dated in the present time. What if we just lived in the moment? What if we took things as is and didn’t overanalyze shit? Do you think you would have a more successful time dating? Do you think you would give a brotha a chance before you were so quick to cut him off? What if we dated a man and didn’t write him off before the story even began? What would happen?
Date like you did in college…
Ask the questions that you might not want to hear the answers to…
Sometimes you’ll be surprised by the answer you get and the honesty. If you are dating a guy who lives long distance. Ask him how he feels about long distance relationships. If you’re dating a guy who is 40+ and has never been married ask him why? Sometimes we are so afraid of being let down we choose to stay in the dark just so we can enjoy a few moments happiness. I have been guilty of this in the past. At this point in my life there are things I need to know before I move forward. And there are times where the answer will surprise you and give you hope that maybe, just maybe, this might go somewhere. When two people come into a situation with an honest and open heart the sky’s the limit.
Ask the questions that you might not want to hear the answers to…
Figure it out on your own…
Girlfriends…. We love them. They love us. But damn it, sometimes they can make you second guess a lot of shit, especially in the beginning of a new relationship. I love my friends. But I need to figure this shit out on my own first. When I decide to tell them what the deal is it will be when I am clear on where this is going so I do not let their opinions dictate my actions. This doesn’t mean I don’t tell them about the dates or my excitement. But I want to go along with this on my own. I think dating like a grown ass woman means having clarity on your own. One of the things I have learned is, you can pour your heart and soul out to some people and they will give you tons of advice but when the shoe is on the other foot they do shit completely different and your left thinking, What the fuck?! I’m doing shit my way moving forward. There are a select few girlfriends in my life that I know I can go to them and they will give me the unbiased advice.
Figure it out on your own…
Don’t wait for the other shoe to drop…
My goodness…. After all the years of disappointments and heartache, how often do you go into a new experience waiting for the guy to fuck up? What would happen if the man is innocent until proven guilty? Better yet, what would happen if you didn’t even wait for the guilty verdict. Why can’t we allow ourselves to enjoy the beginning of a new possibility? Do you know how many people miss out on the beauty of the beginning of a new relationship because they are so terrified of getting hurt? STOP!
Don’t wait for the other shoe to drop…
Like I said earlier, I have no idea where this thing is going. Perhaps it is the past few months of really enjoying my singledom I have a new clarity and perspective. I have been forced to look in the mirror. So many times we are quick to blame the guy for relationship failure and your own insecurities. Now is the time to take a look at yourself and figure out what you are doing to fuck things up before it even starts. Not in a mean and judgmental way but becoming acutely aware of it so you can make adjustments when you find yourself falling into that trap. Ask yourself: Mirror… Mirror on the wall… Who lets relationship bullshit make a relationship fall? And allow yourself to learn from it so you can answer the mirror and say: I did but not anymore.
LOVE your point about letting the guy court you. I’m also so inclined to compromise and make it easy for people, but maybe it’s worthwhile to let the guy go a touch out of his way for me. I’m worth it!!
Yes you are and don’t ever forget that! 😉