If These Walls Could Talk

When I got married I did it until death did we part, through good times and bad, in sickness and health. I had no idea he wasn’t along for the same ride. But I am so thankful for what the experience taught me.

If you have been a loyal reader to my blog you know I have mastered the art of having ME time.  Whether I am going to the beach, taking myself out for a nice meal, or spending an extra day on a business trip to explore a city, I have it down to a science.  But what I haven’t mastered is the art of down time at my house.  I am not referring to when I am having a lazy day in my bed watching Lifetime Movie Network and Bravo and I am not talking about when I am organizing my closets and unpacking from another road trip.  I am talking about down time when I am left in the four walls of my own home and left to my own devices aka my own thoughts.

Recently I connected with a special someone.  As you know when I am into someone and currently dating them I do not go into detail.  I keep my shit private… Well you know what I mean.  LOL!  But what I will say is the man I am kind of seeing is definitely an unexpected surprise the shit kind of snuck up on me.  It has taken me by complete surprise.  I haven’t been excited and/or looking forward to hearing and seeing someone consistently since 1932.  All jokes aside, I really can’t remember the last time I was consistently excited about someone.  Well actually that’s not true.  I do remember the last time I was consistently excited about someone and I ended up marrying him and then going through a VERY painful divorce.  That’s what is scaring the shit out of me.  All this time, it’s been easy to talk about the shitty dates, the disappointments, and enjoying my singledom.  But what is more terrifying is the possibility of something that makes sense.  I had no idea how petrified I was until I went to my close girlfriends house for a Friday Happy Hour.  Every woman should have a girlfriend who all you do is go over to each other’s homes make a nice appetizer spread, drink some great wine, and catch up on reality TV.  My girlfriend and I had done this for years.  We literally watched reality TV through our dating experiences, my engagement, my wedding, my divorce, and her engagement.  It’s funny, we could name each reality show we watched during each period of our lives (don’t judge me, reality TV is my escape).  Anyway… I digressed.  Her fiancée was now a regular at our girl’s night.  He would sit with us and gossip.  How we got on the topic of my divorce I do not know.  Perhaps it was the bottles of wine we were consuming for the last 3 hours.  As my girlfriend opened up the 3 rd bottle of Sincera Red Zinfandel her fiancée got serious for a second.

Girlfriend’s Fiancée:  Real talk… How long did it take you to get over your ex.

That was the second time in the last week I had been asked that question.  I had met up with a girlfriend of mine who was in the beginning stages of her divorce.  And she asked me the same question.  And I was honest with her.  I was no longer embarrassed to tell people the honest to God truth and I wasn’t willing to give her some sappy answer.  So I told him exactly what I my girlfriend earlier in the week.

Me:  To be honest, it took me a good 3 years.

Girlfriend’s Fiancée:  Really?  Wow, you really loved that dude.

Me:  Yeah.   I really did.  I wish I could sit here and tell you different but it really wasn’t until 3 years that I got to a place of indifference where I really and truly didn’t give a fuck.  When I got married I did it until death did we part, through good times and bad, in sickness and health.  I had no idea he wasn’t along for the same ride.  But I am so thankful for what the experience taught me.

Girlfriend’s Fiancée:  That’s real talk sis.

There was once a time when I would pretend to the public that I was over the divorce but when I got within the walls of my home it was a different story.  There was once a time when the walls of my home were the only place where I felt comfortable enough to break down.  It was truly my Oasis.  But as I got stronger I think I avoided being within these walls and constantly keeping my mind pre-occupied because it was a constant reminder of when I was at my lowest and weakest point.  Once again the old me and the present me had to find a way to co-exist in my home.  I no longer needed to be out and about to create a certain amount of happiness.  It was right here within these walls.  I no longer had the need to pre-occupy myself with various “to-do” items in order to keep my mind off of the times when I would sit on my couch and cry until the tears no longer could flow.  I was now a happy, single woman who was currently experiencing the possibility of a situation that might make sense.  One thing this home had not experienced just yet was me in love and in a happy relationship with someone.  I had no idea what that looked like at this point in my life.  What would the walls of this home look like as I created new memories with someone who I truly loved and cared about?

I put on some Pat Methany, poured myself a glass of wine and I sat unoccupied and imagined me the serial dater…. In Love and happy. And guess what, it wasn’t so damn bad. I welcome the experience.

It’s interesting.  When you go through a really shitty break-up or divorce it’s hard to imagine yourself in love again.  There is this terrifying feeling of being hurt again.   I am not talking about carrying baggage and not allowing you to be open to the possibility of a new relationship.  I am talking about visualizing yourself in that new relationship as the person you are now.  Whether or not this possibility turns into something I realized I needed to sit in my home and let things be.  Visualize what it means to fall in love as the woman I am today with all the lessons I have learned post divorce.  So that’s what I did.  I put on some Pat Methany, poured myself a glass of wine and I sat unoccupied and imagined me the serial dater…. In Love and happy.  And guess what, it wasn’t so damn bad.  I welcome the experience.  Perhaps I will spend more time within these walls that have guided me through hurt, pain and devastation, and allow transformed walls to lead me into love, continued growth, and happiness.  These walls were certainly talking to me and I was listening.  What a great transformation…. Woosa…

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