If It Walks Like An Ass, Talks Like An Ass, Looks Like An Ass… It’s An Asshole! Part 2

So after all that shit “Jerold” talked Monday came and he still hadn’t called me to confirm the date that he was so pressed to call the damn car service on speaker phone about.  A few days later my girlfriend called me.

Girlfriend:  Hey girlie.  What are you up to?

Me:  I’m relaxing.  It’s been a long ass week.  By the way, that fool never called.

Girlfriend:  Typical.  Well…

Me:  Well… what

I’ve know my girlfriend for a decade and I knew when she says Well there’s always something behind that.

Girlfriend:  We’re all going out to dinner tonight and Jeff wanted you to come.

Me:  Why the fuck are you calling me and asking me instead of Jeff, that fool has my number!  No.  No.  I’m not going.  I’m not even attracted to his stupid ass.

Girlfriend:  Come on!  Please come.  It will be fun.  At least you’ll get a free meal out of the deal.  Just come and maybe this time you’ll change your mind.

Me:  I thought he was supposed to be in Europe working on his BIG deals.

Girlfriend:  He said his trip got pushed back.

Me:  Yeah, pushed back to never!  Are you and your boo trying to push this?

Girlfriend:  No.  He specifically asked.  You know my honey wants us to be able to go out on double dates.  Come on. 

Now I got it.  That’s the thing about being the single friend, those times when your friends want to include you on a group date but they know you’re not seeing anyone so they can’t.  I realized they were just excited to finally be able to include me in a couple outing.  So against my better judgment and in the name of friendship, I punked out.

Me:  Alright.  I’ll go. 

Girlfriend:  Yeah!!!! 

She gave me the details and later on that evening I found myself outside of a quaint Italian restaurant wondering, Why in the hell am I here?  I could be having a nice glass of wine catching up on my reality TV shows.  The I remembered,  Oh yeah… that’s right, one of my closest friends begged me to come out.  I valet parked my car and walked in.  Not only was I out and about when I wasn’t in the mood.  These motherfuckers weren’t even there yet.  I went to the bar and ordered a glass of Sauvignon Blanc.  Side note, if you work in the food industry and have anything that resembles a cold sore.  Please call in sick to work.  I was attempting to enjoy my wine but the bartender either had a cold sore or he picked at a scab on top of his lip.  Either way, I was really focusing on not staring.  Anyway I digressed…

Ten minutes later my girlfriend, her fiancée, another couple (an Asian woman with a White guy), and “Jerold” walked in.  Everyone looked great.  I must say “Jerold” did dress nicely.  He had abandoned the flashy “diamond” cuff links for a more settle pair of silver tasteful cufflinks.  Everyone hugged and my girlfriend introduced me to the other couple.  Before we sat at the table the Asian woman and white guy asked that we take a picture of them together.  And then my girlfriend and her fiancée took a picture.  I shot her a look of death to let her know to not even think about taking a picture of me and “Jerold.” WE walked to our table at the restaurant and took our seats.  I saw “Jerold” whisper something to the waiter out the corner of my eye.  Although I wasn’t excited about my “date” it was nice to be out with other couples who were in love, it’s inspirational.  The Asian woman and white guy had been dating for 3 months.  They had met online and they were definitely into each other.  It was nice to see a couple in the beginning of a new relationship.  And of course, my girlfriend and her fiancée had been together for years and they had such a familiarity and naturalness that only comes with time and a mutual love and respect for each other.  And here I was sitting next to… “Jerold.”  A few moments later the waitress came to the table.

Waitress:  Hello folks.  Before I get started with the drink orders the bus boy told me you wanted to make sure we split the check.  How should I divide the check up?

My girlfriend, her fiancé, the other couple and I looked at each other.  Obviously none of us had made that request.  “Jerold” had put on his glasses and was looking at the menu like he didn’t hear the lady.  So the white guy piped in and indicated that he was handling the bill for him and the Asian lady.  My girlfriend and her fiancée both looked at “Jerold” who was still looking in the menu waiting to see what he was going to do.  Before I could even say anything my girlfriend’s fiancé realized this dumb ass was playing deaf so he indicated that he was handling my girlfriend and I.  As soon as my girlfriend’s fiancé made it clear he was covering me all of a sudden “Jerold” took off his glasses and said, “What’s going on.  I missed that.”  I pinched my girlfriend under the table.  I swear by the end of the night she must have had welts and bruises from all the kicking and pinching from me.   The Monique in her 20’s would have called his dumb ass out.  But the 36 year old Monique decided to be chill.  Besides, when I go out to dinner I am always prepared to pay.  After all, like I have always said, if you can not do it yourself don’t assume someone else will come to the table with what you don’t have.  And given the situation we were in I wasn’t clear if perhaps, just perhaps, he didn’t realize he was walking into a couple situation.  It’s not like he called me directly to go out.  I’ll give him that.  But what I won’t give him, is playing stupid like he didn’t know what was going on.  He should have just been direct in front of the entire table and told the waitress he was paying for his own bill.  Whatever… the night was already off to an interesting start.  As everyone was trying  to decide what they were ordering.  I saw “Jerold” really struggling on what to get.

Me:  What are you going to get?

Jerold:  I think I’m just going to get the chicken Caesar salad.

White Guy:  That’s it?

Jerold:  Yeah.  I’m on a diet.  So I’m trying to behave tonight.

ME:  Why don’t you order one of the specials.  You can’t go wrong with grilled fish and sautéed veggies.

What I really wanted to say was, If you’re on a damn diet, why in the fuck would you get a chicken Caesar salad with a bunch of cheese, croutons, and heavy ass dressing when they had grilled fish with spinach on the menu and other low calorie items?  This didn’t make any damn sense.  Then I figured it out.  The chicken Caesar salad was only $12 on the appetizer portion of the menu. Whereas the other entrees started at $30+.  Which really wasn’t that much considering this is L- fucking A!  OMG!  You have got to be kidding me.  After we finished ordering our food we got into an interesting conversation about LA and various locations.  Come to find out “Jerold” lived in North Hollywood.  That’s almost as bad as Carson.  He was allegedly having a house built near Runyan Canyon…. Bullshit!

Girlfriend’s Fiancé:  It’s all about location.  Mo, I loved your spot in West Hollywood.

He was referring to my place that was in the heart of West Hollywood only 2 blocks from the famous Sunset Strip. I gave it up when I got married and moved to my ex’s house.

Me:  That spot was great.  We could walk to all the hot spots.

Girlfriend:  It sure was.  And you had the best neighbors too!

Me:  You know anywhere with a majority of gay men is going to be a great high end neighborhood with the best restaurants and shops.

Jerold:  There were mostly gay men living there?

Me:  Ummm yeah.

Jerold:  Weren’t you afraid of catching AIDS?

I literally choked on the wine I just sipped.  I had to be hearing him incorrectly.

Me:  Excuse me?!

Jerold:  Weren’t you worried living around all of those gay people that you would get AIDS?

Me: That’s the most ignorant thing I have ever heard of in my life.  You don’t get AIDS from living in the same neighborhood as gay men.  Are you kidding me?

Girlfriend:  What are you talking about?

Girlfriends Fiancé:  My man, just stop.

I wanted to walk out.  I didn’t even want to be near this ignorant fool.  Once again “Jerold” started back pedaling.

Jerold:  I just don’t understand women who date a man knowing he’s gay.

Me:  But that’s not what we were talking about.  We are talking about great neighborhoods in LA! I can’t believe you just said that.  What makes you——

Just then the waitress came with our appetizers.  The timing was perfect.  I was two seconds away cussing his stupid, ignorant  ass out.  Luckily we ordered some of my favorites.  Oysters and French fries.  My girlfriend asked if anyone wanted some fries.  “Jerold” damn near knocked my head out of the way as he reached over me and grabbed a few handfuls of fries and saturated them in ketchup.  So much for that diet.  When our entrées finally came and “Jerold’s” chicken Caesar salad, he kept trying to Mac on me the whole night.  I thought to myself, this fool didn’t even want to offer to pay for my meal on the sly and now he’s trying to dominate my time?  Really?  But I was curious what he ended up doing for his birthday.

Me:  What did you end up doing for your birthday?

Jerold:  I just chilled.  I was exhausted.  Besides I’m going to Europe next week.

Me:  I thought you were going this week. 

Jerold:  I pushed it back.  I had so much going on here.  And my kids had some things they had to do.

Me:  That’s nice that you spend quality time with them.

Jerold:  When I can.  You know my ex tries to dominate shit with them. 

Me:  I’m sorry to hear that.

Jerold:  She cost me $3 million in the divorce.

Did this fool forget he told me $1 million just last week?!  OMG!  I couldn’t take much more of this.  So I decided to focus my attention on the other folks at the table.  Perhaps this would make the time go by faster.  So we started talking about Korea which is where the other guy’s date was from.  And of course “Jerold” had to chime in.

Jerold:  You know LA has the largest Korean population outside of Korea itself.

Asian Lady:  Really?

Girlfriend’s Fiancé:  How long have you lived here?

Asian Lady:  I moved here when I was 6.

Jerold:  Did you move directly to Korea town?

The Asian lady blinked 3 times and looked at him like he was crazy.  And in her very polite heavy accent said.

Asian Lady:  No, I actually grew up in Malibu.

I died laughing and I gave her a high five.  She handled “Jerold’s” ignorance with such class.  We all laughed at the table.  “Jerold” was oblivious we were all laughing at his ignorant dumb ass.  The bill finally came. And it couldn’t have come soon enough.  As much as I loved my girlfriend and her fiancé that was the longest dinner ever!  When the waitress came to collect the bill.  “Jerold” yelled, “And they say black folks don’t tip!”  He started cracking up.  I was mortified!  Who does that?!  His bill had to be a total of $20.  What was he bragging about?!

I practically sprinted out of the restaurant to get my car from valet.  Of course “Jerold” followed me out.  He waited until I paid the damn valet to ask me if I was good.

Me:  I got it Jerold.

Jerold:  You sure.

Me: Positive.

Jerold:  What are you up to tomorrow?

Me:  Relaxing.

Jerold:  Give me a call.  Maybe we can meet for coffee.

With that I gave him a condescending three pats on the shoulder.

Me:  Have a nice night Jerold.

I got in my car and drove the fuck off.  I gave myself kudos for not cussing his ass out or calling him out that evening.  My goodness I have come a long way since the girl I was in my 20’s!  But my inner loving diva was so strong and I have learned to listen to her.  Intuition is something we all have and we MUST learn to let it guide you.  The conclusion my inner loving gave me regarding “Jerold”:

If It Walks Like An Ass, Talks Like An Ass, Looks Like An Ass…  It’s An Asshole! 

 

 

 

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