Dating Depression Recovery aka DDR
I know I am a day late and dollar short with this #mondaymemo. However I am still going to post it while it’s fresh on my mind. For #mondaymemos I typically get questions and topics from my loyal readers and write on them. But after the week I had, I am going to use my own recent experience for today #Mondaymemo. As you all know, I was in the middle of a serious dating depression (DD) last week. Sometimes you get to a point where you just get so TIRED of being hopeful and getting nothing in return. Let me be very clear, if I wanted to be in a relationship just to say I have a man, please know and believe I could be. There are PLENTY of options out there. And if you are a loyal reader to my blog you already know that I do not have any problems finding/meeting men. Hell… if I wanted to be married I could still be married and living a lie. But thankfully my guardian angels were looking out for me and removed me from that situation.
I do not say that to brag and boastful. But it is just a fact. Sometimes I think society has the wrong impression that when a woman, in particular a black woman is single it means that she doesn’t date or can’t find a date. That she is single because she doesn’t have options and choices. Guess what… surprise… surprise… there are a few of us out there that are single because we choose to be single and not get in a relationship where we aren’t happy just so that we can say we have a man! Sometimes we are single because we choose our own happiness over bullshit. However, if you have been single for a certain amount of time and you decide not to settle, not to put up with unnecessary bullshit, and date on your own terms, you might get to a point where you reach your breaking point. You just get tired of the same shit on different days when it comes to relationships and romance. And last week I certainly reached mine. But as you know, it’s not about the fall, it’s about how you get back up. I cannot say I am at 100% just yet, but I am slowly re-emerging from the darkness and feeling a glimmer of hope. But sometimes you just gotta go with the motions and let the cards fall where they may. So here is my advice if you happen to be in the midst of a DD (dating depression).
Acknowledge that you are feeling down. Allow yourself to go through that emotion. As single women, we are trained to be strong and not let the outside world know when we are actually feeling down and out about being single or not meeting the right guy. It’s okay! And it’s normal. Sometimes it’s okay for a single gal to have a good cry.
Recognize the feeling is only temporary. It will pass..
Don’t become an emotional eater! I know I can be vain when it comes to my weight. But seriously… you do not want to put yourself in a situation where you eat now and pay later. Have one cheat day and be cognizant if you happen to find yourself over eating.
Don’t become a stick figure either! That’s the opposite of the emotional eating. Sometime when we are down and out we find it difficult to eat. And that can be a great diet… LOL! But you do not want to get to a point where you start looking like a crack head. I’m just sayin’!
Allow yourself to be around friends- I really wanted to stay in my house and listen to Sade and drink a bottle of wine. But of course, my girlfriends were not having it. They made me get up and meet them for brunch and go to their house for cocktails. Get out and be around your friends. The laughter you will experience is automatic therapy to the soul.
Enlist the help of your “Sponsors”- It’s okay to talk about it! You do not have to suffer in silence. I have 4 “go-to” girlfriends that I can talk about this kind of thing with and not feel judged. I also know they have the best intentions and want the best for me. At the same time you have to be very careful who you select as your “sponsors.” You do not want to talk to your friend that tells her man EVERYTHING! There are some women who do not respect the GIRL CODE and feel the best way to get close to their man is to tell all of the girls’ business. You also do not want to have a heart to heart with a Bitter Betty. You will leave that conversation worse off than you started and hate on all men. That’s the last thing you want. We all know that saying Misery loves company.
Do things that make you happy. When I am going through a DD I know a trip to an art museum always lifts my spirits. I also know a trip to my acupuncturist has a way of hitting all of those pressure points that are making me feel down.
Stay off social media! When you are in the midst of a dating depression I can assure you that when you go on social media and you see engagement announcements, wedding pictures, and new born baby photos. While you are genuinely happy for your friends. It only exacerbates the depression you are feeling. Once you are out of the darkness you will be able to receive these gorgeous pictures from a happy place.
Don’t let your pride rule your actions. I m a true Leo. You look up the Leo sign in an astrology book and my picture is next to the description of a Leo woman. I have allowed my pride to guide me on so many different situations. There comes a point in life where you have to put your ego aside and follow your heart. There are a lot of miserable folks in the world that allowed their Pride to get in the way of what they really desired.
Last and certainly not least. You must, under all circumstances FOLLOW YOUR HEART. When I was going through my divorce I had well meaning friends who wanted the best for me. They were full of “advice” and “words of wisdom” on what I should do and what I shouldn’t do. And now, I look at some people in the same situation years later and I am flabbergasted by the hypocrisy of what they told me I should do back then and what they are doing now, So that made me realize that with any situation I need to do what is best for me and follow my own heart.
Like I said, I am still working through my current DD. I am feeling better each day. But I know I am not the only single gal who every once in a blue moon gets a case of the blues. It’s nice to know you’re not alone when those dark days hit you like a ton of bricks. We single gals have to lift each other up during those times when we are feeling down and out and not sure if we can continue down this dating journey. One of my loyal readers said it best:
Days come and go. It is worth today’s hopelessness to have tomorrow’s joy. I don’t know why timing sucks! I do know that you will appreciate your guy so much and cherish him even more than you think you possibly can, because of these wiggly, furry, ugly, antennas out and all over the place, caterpillar days. Then a few years into your relationship, when you want to blow up because of some character flaw of his, you’ll remember why, of all of the ones that came and went quickly, you chose this one. And you will be firm and kind and intact. I PROMISE!!