Sofa Fillers

But then… as usual… he started showing his ass! Why oh why can’t it ever be easy?!

In the last few weeks I had met someone and I was enjoying dating him.  He was handsome, tall, had a great personality, and the chemistry was off the charts (post coming soon).  But then… as usual… he started showing his ass!  Why oh why can’t it ever be easy?!  And why oh why was I so damn emotional about it?!  He sent me into a dating depression!   I began getting mad at myself for giving a shit and being so upset about the whole thing.  Then I realized my upset really had nothing to do with him.  It was my own personal former demons resurfacing.  But am I the only single gal who every once in a while gets so damn tired of being hopeful just to get nothing in return?!  Anyway I digressed I already!!!

I began getting mad at myself for giving a shit and being so upset about the whole thing. Then I realized my upset really had nothing to do with him. It was my own personal former demons resurfacing. But am I the only single gal who every once in a while gets so damn tired of being hopeful just to get nothing in return?!

I realized I had done something I hadn’t done in a long ass time.  In my hopefulness and excitement I put all my eggs in one basket.  It had been a while since I had met someone I was genuinely excited about.  And to be completely transparent I really wasn’t interested in seeing anyone else!  What the fuck?  Who was this girl?  I thought I was the Tin Woman who didn’t have a heart.  I thought I had to take a trip to Oz to find one.  But suddenly I was dating a man who was making me feel things I hadn’t felt since… well… I won’t even waste my time comparing him to anything or anyone else from the past.

Who was this girl? I thought I was the Tin Woman who didn’t have a heart. I thought I had to take a trip to Oz to find one.

So when he started acting like an allusive asshole that was emotionally disconnecting.  I went back to my old ways and decided to go out with someone else.  Afterall, we hadn’t had the official talk about not seeing other people.  I could only surmise his recent stupidity had to be associated to 1 of 3 things:

• He was seeing other people and his wasn’t dong a great job juggling
• He was starting to catch feelings and was disconnecting to figure out what he wanted to do
• What I thought we had was an illusion I created in my own mind

Whatever the case was, I knew I needed to distract myself, if for nothing else just to maintain my sanity.  For all you nosey men out here, you see what happens when you do not communicate?  Us women go into a mental frenzy and begin to think the worse.  But I have never been a bitch to sit by the phone waiting and pouting.  I wasn’t about to waste my good years on a fool that hadn’t proved himself to be worthy.  And hell I still had it!  I was tired of sitting around being pathetic and reading Iyanla VanZant books.  And I would NOT allow myself to be in a dating depression for too long.

So I gave “Lonnie” a call.  I had been blowing him off for weeks because I was busy thinking I was actually falling for someone.  And I was tired of moping around.  “Lonnie” and I met through a popular dating app(I’ll write a separate post on that as well).  After swiping right and realizing we were a match he immediately started a conversation.  “Lonnie” was a 42 year old, divorced father of two.  He was originally from North Carolina, which was a plus.  You now I do not date men born and raised in LA.  Been there done that!  We quickly exchanged numbers and he called me 10 minutes later.  He wasn’t playing around!  It’s funny how when you’re really not into someone you could care less about what you say or what you do.  There is no pressure because you really don’t give a shit.  Immediately “Lonnie” started asking me questions about my marriage.

How long were you married?

What did you learn from the marriage? 

What were the major issues?

I felt interrogated.  There was once a time shortly after my divorce where I enjoyed conversations like this.  I thought it brought me and the guy closer because we were able to bond over the experience.

I felt interrogated. There was once a time shortly after my divorce where I enjoyed conversations like this. I thought it brought me and the guy closer because we were able to bond over the experience.

But now in my dating these are topics of conversation that I reserve for much later in the relationship.  But there is an unspoken language between two divorcees.  It’s says:

We made it through the storm.  We are still alive.  And so much better for the experience….

But I wasn’t really ready to discuss the storm with “Lonnie.”

Me:  Hold up Lonnie.  I definitely would love to talk about our battles stories, but can we meet for a drink first?

Lonnie:  I’m sorry.  I know I can be very inquisitive.  I actually don’t drink….

Oh boy… another 40+ something that doesn’t drink.  What the fuck?!  I was tempted to hang up on him then and there.  But I had recently made some tweaks to my criteria.  Besides, as long a he didn’t judge my drinking I would give him a try.  And a girlfriend of mine who is now married told me when she first met her husband he wasn’t a drinker because he just didn’t like the taste of alcohol.  But while they were on vacation after dating for a few months, he tried a mixed drink he liked and now he enjoyed having cocktails with her.  So I was willing to be patient.  Maybe I could be a bad influence on him!  MY goodness… I am such a mess!

Lonnie:  What are you up to this weekend?  I’ll have my kids Saturday night.  But maybe we can meet for Jamba Juice in the afternoon.

Jamba Juice?  Huh?  But I gave him the benefit of the doubt.  After all, when dealing with a dating app you have to meet up with someone for a meet up to make sure they actually look like their picture.  For all I know, “Lonnie” could be 300 pounds.  He did breath kind of heavy on the phone.  I’m not sure if it was because he was a big guy or perhaps he had asthma.  He looked good in his pictures in the dating app.  He told me he was 6’5 and you know that’s always a selling point.  I had tentative plans Saturday night with the fool I was dating  so this would be a great distraction.

Me:  Sure Lonnie.  I’ll meet you at Jamba Juice.

That Saturday I found myself walking up to the Jamba Juice.  My mind was distracted though.  The other guy was heavily on my mind.  What the hell is MY problem?!  I walked into Jamba Juice and to my surprise “Lonnie” was a very hansdsome guy.  He was 6’5.  He was in great shape.  He had a nice after 5 shadow beard and a great smile.  OKAY!  Thank goodness he not only looked like the pictures he put on the dating app but BETTER!  I gave him a hug.  And we ordered out drinks.  I chose to ignore his two for one coupon he used to buy our drinks.  After all, this was simply a meet up.  I am not one who is used to these dating app meet ups so I didn’t want to judge.  He was simply a “filler” date; someone to occupy my time so I wasn’t putting all my eggs in one basket with the fool I really liked.

We walked outside in the blazing sun and found a bench to sit on in the shade and talk.  He seemed cool. But the chemistry wasn’t there.  To be honest my mind was pre-occupied.  Maybe this was a sign that I really liked the other guy.  Or perhaps it was a sign that I just do not know what the hell I want.  But I was able to ascertain “Lonnie” was a little cheap.  We talked about those new movie theatres where you can order dinner and drinks during the movie.

Lonnie:  Those can get expensive!  You end up spending over $100!

Me:  Well when you think about it.  You can end up spending over $100 just on dinner.  SO that’s not bad for dinner and a movie.

I saw his eyes flutter.  And then I remembered this was a man who used a two for one coupon to buy Jamba Juice.  The conversation was okay.  There weren’t fireworks.  IT wasn’t bad.  IT was just beige.  After an hour and a half I told him my meter was running out.  I gave him a hug and he said he wanted to take me out on an official date now that we had a chance to meet in person.  I reluctantly said okay.  We made plans to go out the following weekend.

“Lonnie” called me on Friday night around 9pm.  At the time I was sitting on my couch relaxing having a glass of wine after a long week.

Lonnie:  Hey Monique!  How are you?

Me:  I’m great!  How are you?

Lonnie:  I’m good.  What are you up to tonight?  I was calling to see if you wanted to go dancing?

Me:  Tonight?

Lonnie:  Yeah. 

I wanted to be like, “Ummmmm…. Really fool?!  IT’s 9:30 and you’re just now calling me to go out tonight?”  But I decided not to go the bitchy route.

Me:  Tonight isn’t goingto work.  But I am free tomorrow.  I know you said you wanted to do something this weekend.

Lonnie:  It looks like I’m going to Vegas tomorrow.

ME:  Okay.  Well have fun.

Lonnie:  I’ll call you when I get back so we can get together.

Me:  okay.

Sunday morning rolled around and I got a txt message from Lonnie.

Hey Monique!  I’m just getting back from Vegas.  I’m at home relaxing.  The football game is coming on today.  I would love to have you chill with me on my sofa.  But I am not sure if we are at that level yet if things lead to something else.

WHAT THE FUCK!  I re-read the message three times.  I types a few rough draft text cussing his ass out for the assumption.  Did this man really think I was going to come to his house after a meet up date over two for one Jamba juices?!  But I took a deep breath.  After all, I understand for men that are divorced after long term marriages, they might not know the rules of dating.  I really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.  So I decided on a settle approach of say FUCK NO!

Hi Lonnie.  Glad you had a safe trip.  I would never want to come between a man and his football!  And one day we might be at the point for me to relax on your sofa.  But for now, lets take a rain check and do something another time.  Enjoy the game!

There are plenty of women that went to that sofa and hung out with him and had no qualms about it. That’s why he was so comfortable asking.

I didn’t hear back from “Lonnie” over the next few days.  And th other guy was showing his ass.  So I decided to be proactive and reach out to Lonnie and see what he was up to.

Hey Monique!  Glad you reached out.  I have my kids this evening but you are more than welcome to come through around 9:30.  There a great documentary on.  We he can hang out on my sofa.

Okay.  Okay.  I wasn’t sure if “Lonnie” was stupid or retarded.  But either way he was an idiot.  SO instead of sending him a text I decided to call him.  I mean really.  I am not trying to meet his kids yet.  I am so sensitive to meeting a man’s kids.  I personally feel like before a woman meets your kids, out of respect to the mother of those children, I would want to introduce myself to her first.  IT’s not like I’m asking permission from the woman.  But I believe any woman would want to know who is around her kids.  And not some random that the guy just met!  Why wasn’t he thinking about that and what the fuck was it with his damn sofa?!  IT must be extraordinary.  But there was something about “Lonnie.”  I didn’t want to write him off just yet.  Maybe I felt guilty because I brushed him on our initial meet up.  I could admit I didn’t give him a chance because I was focused on the other guy who was showing his ass.  But one thing I am learning to do after all of these years of dating is to just grown.  So I picked up my cell phone and I gave “Lonnie” a call.

Me:  Hey Lonnie.  How are you?

Lonnie:  I’m good.

Me:  Listen, I don’t want you to think I am blowing you off.  But I am not comfortable hanging out at your house just yet.  I want to get to know you on mutual grounds first. 

Lonnie:  I completely understand.  I’m glad you called.

Me:  I’m glad I called you as well.  I’m on business travel the next few days but I’ll reach out to you when I return.

Lonnie:  Sounds good.  Safe travels.

Me:  Thank you!

I was proud of myself for not going in on him and assuming the worse.  But I Realized, I can’t even be mad at him.  There are plenty of women that went to that sofa and hung out with him and had no qualms about it.  That’s why he was so comfortable asking.  But I’m learning to not jump the gun or jump to conclusions.  I am always so quick to put on my running shoes and sprint the hell out of something.  Who knows if I will reach out to “Lonnie.”  After all, he was just the temporary filler for the guy I liked.

When your heart is into someone else, even when they are acting an ass a “filler” they won’t fill anything. It will only exacerbate the fact that you are missing the other person.

So what was the lesson learned here:

• Even a self proclaimed serial dater can fall for someone, and when your heart is into someone else, even when they are acting an as a “filler” they won’t fill anything. It will only exacerbate the fact that you are missing the other person.
• When guy ask you to come chill on his sofa. Before you cuss his ass out, try to give him the benefit of the doubt and then cuss his ass out! LOL!

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