The Yo-Yo Effect

The problem with the emotionally unavailable man is the Emotional Yo-Yo effect that occurs.

My loyal readers know, I do not discuss who I am currently dating.  I do this for several reasons:

Reason Number One:  If he happens to be a little nosey and decide to read my blog I do not want him to know I have written about the details of our relationship. And go running for the hills.  I already acknowledge it takes a special kind of a man with extra confidence and security to consider dating a woman who writes a relationship blog.  It actually takes a lot of courage!  I have often wrestled with the decision to keep going with the blog or shut the site down because I worry that it could scare my potential soul mate off.  But then I realize the man who I end up with is going to have to understand writing is my passion and this blog is the starting point of something greater (big things are coming to fruition!).  On a side note, I am looking forward to the day I can rename this blog Confessions of a FORMER Serial Dater in LA.  I can’t wait to annoy my readers with stories about my MAN!  And how wonderful he is!  Seriously, that will make an even better blog.  But until that day happens I will continue to write about my dating foolery on my journey to meet him.  There I go digressing….

Reason Number Two:  There are some things I believe in reserving for my intimate circle of friends. And to my loyal readers- don’t take offense to this.  I pour out my heart and soul to you on these posts.  But there are some things I do not want floating in cyber space.  Some things should be reserved for private conversations.

Reason Number Three:  If things work out with me and the guy there are certain things about our relationship that will be left between just the two of us. You’ve seen it before, and I have longed for it for years, those couples that have a secret language that just the two of them speak, things that only the two of them know. How can you create that when you are telling every single detail to the world.

When people find out that I write a dating blog one of the first questions I get is, “Do you let the guys know you write a blog?”

When people find out that I write a dating blog one of the first questions I get is, “Do you let the guys know you write a blog?”  This question is usually asked one of two ways 1) in utter fascination and excitement or 2) complete and total disgust.  I get it, folks either think I am brilliant or an absolute fool to write so candidly about dates.  Again, this all comes with the territory of being a dating blogger.  I usually tell a man by the first or second date that I am a dating blogger.  As my loyal readers know, it is very rare I actually give a guy a second date because I know by the first date if I see it going anywhere.  Or they show their ass so badly on the first date I rather pluck my eyebrows out one by one than go out with them again.  I am at a point in my life where I am DWP (dating with purpose).  I refuse to waste my time on fools.  So if I give a guy a second date, then I like to let him know about the blog.  Besides, if they Google me there I am in full color with the link to my blog!  Go figure!  I don’t make it a big deal.  It’s very matter of fact.  Usually, when you’re getting to know someone the topic of hobbies and passion projects will always come up.  So typically here’s how the conversation will go:

Guy:  What do you like to do outside of work?

Me:  Well, I write a dating blog?

Guy: (head tilt) Really?

Me:  It’s kind of like Sex and the City Meets LA from an African American female perspective.

Guy:  Interesting… You’re not going to write about me are you?

Me:  Don’t give me anything to write about! 

It’s short and simple and to the point.  And it’s honest.  This very conversation came up with a guy I was dating.  But he asked that I not write about him in the blog (there was an entire back story to how it came up in conversation but I won’t even comment on that hater).  And I gave him my word that regardless of what happened with us, I would not write about him in my blog.  And I am a woman of my word.  Since I promised him that I wouldn’t write about him I have to honor my word.  Not because I give a shit about him but because I believe in being a woman of my word.  However, I didn’t say I wouldn’t write about what I personally learned from the experience.

And with that I bring to you today’s #MondayMemo.  The timing of this question/topic from my loyal reader came at the perfect time.  And since I am officially back to 100% after being the in depths of a dating depression I figured I would clue my readers on what was going on with me since one of my followers was having a similar experience.  You are not alone ladies… You are not alone!!!

What about emotionally unavailable men?  Guys that go from one relationship to another looking for something to fill a void in their lives that they never will an hurting people in the process…

That’s a hard one.  The problem with the emotionally unavailable man is the Emotional Yo-Yo effect that occurs.  Things start off great.  He is doing everything and anything it takes to be with you.  The phone calls are endless.  There is a connection: mental, emotional, physical, etc.  You start feeling things you have never felt before.  You start to let your wall down and really allow yourself to let someone in.  And for a lot of us 30 something women it’s a feeling that we haven’t experienced in a long time.  And finally you let the wall down.  You decide to go with it.  You’re tired of testing out how cold the water is with your big toe and you decide to go ahead, take a chance and jump in and then that’s when it happens.  He pulls back, the calls start become less often.  You feel the distance.  It is palpable.  All of those amazing texts you were getting lessen.  The amount of time you were spending together dwindles and then you go into full panic mode.  You call your girlfriends and they are all trying to talk you off the ledge and figure out what going on.  SO the tactic you resort to is to pull back as well.  The second you pull back and mimic his behavior, then the phone calls start again and the interest is heightened and then you feel like you have reached a mutual ground.  You think to yourself, “I was tripping.  I was clearly over reacting.  We ARE on the same page after all.  How could I have doubted this man?”  So you let your guards down and then a few weeks later the same think happens.  He starts acting strange.  This time you decide I’m a grown ass woman.  Why should I reach out to friends when I can contact the source directly?  So you have a grown woman conversation…

You decide I’m a grown ass woman. Why should I reach out to friends when I can contact the source directly? So you have a grown woman conversation…

You:  Is everything cool?

Him:  Of course.  Why do you ask?

You:  I just sense that you are detaching.  Just want to make sure all is well and we are still on the same page. 

Him:  Of course.

So you let it go and pull back a little and the same thing keeps happening.  You pull back he returns you push forward he runs.

Does this scenario sound familiar?  If you are a single woman in your 30’s… Actually even if you are now married this scenario should sound familiar.  It’s happened to the best of us when dating.  However, we each have a choice.  At this age you know when you are in a situation with an emotionally unavailable man.  However, knowledge is power and experience is the strength.  When you see this happening and feel it and you have tried and you are still getting the Yo-Yo effect that’s when you know it’s time to roll.  I know it’s hard because feelings are there.  But you can NOT waste your time and pretty on a man who just doesn’t have the emotionally capacity to handle it.  It doesn’t make him an asshole… well actually it does.  But you have the choice to leave the situation.

I know women who have put up with this shit for YEARS.  As much as I love Sex and the City it has given women a false hope that their personal “Mr. Big” will eventually change his mind and they will end up together.  Don’t forget, Carrie waited 10 years for Mr. Big. 10 fucking years!  She went through him marrying someone else, having an affair with her, standing her up at the alter, and years of the Yo-Yo effect before he finally decided to marry her.  Ain’t nobody got time for that!  So my advice when you are dealing with the Emotionally Unavailable man is to run run run as fast as you can!  Don’t subscribe t the idea that you won’t meet anybody else where you “have that same chemistry.”  Don’t hold on thinking he will change.

As much as I love Sex and the City it has given women a false hope that their personal “Mr. Big” will eventually change his mind and they will end up together.

Furthermore, when you do decide to move on, make it a clean break.  Do NOT under any circumstances remain friends with him.  That’s a trap!  You will find yourself still talking to him and possibly being intimate with him and that hope will return and you will be right back at square one.  My typical break up rule is when I decide to be done with a man I am done.  He doesn’t get the added benefit of us being friends.

Lastly, if you find yourself in this situation, don’t beat up on yourself for decisions you have made.  WE have ALL been there.  The difference is the amount of time we have spent in that Yo-Yo cycle.  You must believe that the right guy is out there for you.  You also can not hold back with the next man because of what the emotionally unavailable man did or didn’t do.  Don’t let the current guy pay for the past asshole’s mistakes.  I know I sounded pessimistic and hopeless over my last few blogs.  Dating can sometimes get the best of us.  And I know it can get so tiring hoping and wishing for something and getting nothing in return.  But dealing with a man who doesn’t have the emotional capacity to honor who you are is a red flag and you are worth so much more.  Time to cut that string and let the Yo-Yo fall into the ditch!