One Single Warning
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! The Holiday season… The time to drink and be merry. It’s also happens to be my favorite time of the year. It is also that time of year for members of Singledom to beware!
My feeling of overall contentment and happiness started to became evident three weeks ago when one of my nearest and dearest college friends came to LA with his beautiful wife and adorable baby. So “The Fam” as we call it (my closest inner circle of friends dating back to our college years) got together for a night on the town. Being the sap I am I wanted to get a chance to see their baby as well as my other friend and his wife who had just given birth to a newborn. And what can I say… I am a sucker for adorable babies. It is so fulfilling to see my friends with their children. So I went to an impromptu Sip-N-See. Right before we headed out to Nic’s in Beverly Hills all the ladies got together to take a picture. As we were taking the picture I noticed something very interesting. While my other girlfriends were holding their adorable babies, I was holding a wine glass with Sauvignon Blanc. And I literally laughed out loud. I was really okay with it.
Then last week I came down with the worse Flu. I was bedridden. Last year when I got sick I lamented the fact that I was single and had to go to the store to pick up my meds and chicken noodle soup myself. This year, I decided to reach out and say I need some help. My various girlfriends brought me soup, tea, honey, meds and anything I needed they were there. I wasn’t afraid to reach out and say, “I need to be taken care of!”
Then finally for the first year ever, I spent Thanksgiving here in LA. I made a conscious choice to put me and my relaxation first rather than braving it through the crazy ass airports and the cold ass snow of the East coast. Typically I spend the holidays doing so much travel between the two coasts by the time January comes and everyone else is feeling refreshed and renewed. My ass is exhausted and grouchy! Luckily my family understood. After all, I will see them in a few weeks for Christmas. And instead of dreading the trip back home I am actually looking forward to it. I spent Thanksgiving with my girlfriend and her fiance and then spent the rest of the Holiday in my own home, watching Netflix, hanging out with friends, and using Blackout Friday to decorate my house for Christmas. It was awesome! I felt so grown and so liberated to spend the Holidays on my own terms.
I realized how wonderful it is to be single. I can go and see my friends’ children, love on them, and then come home to peace and quiet, I can make the decision to come and go as I please. I can spend the Holidays the way I want to. When you think about it, being single is really a small moment in time when you look at the grand scheme of things. And I am finally at a point when I am enjoying it. There will come a time in my life when I will transition to out of Singledom and be a part of a “we” and have my own little babies running around. But right now, I am enjoying my “Me” moment in time. I find it liberating.
It seems now that I am in this place of pure contentment I am noticing how the Holidays have a way of really fucking with single folks. If you are not armed and prepared or if you are having a melancholy single moment (which we all have) you can find yourself buying into the hype and become depressed over the Holidays. And it is my due diligence to make sure my loyal readers do not become victim to the Single bashing/bullshit that comes with the Holiday season. So with that you have been warned. If you are not prepared you can subconsciously fall victim to the foolery of believing that being single during the Holiday season is a bad thing instead of embracing it. Here is my Holiday warning list for my other members of Singledom:
Beware of the EHarmony, Match.com, Black People Meet, J Date, and all the other online dating marketing ploys.
You’ll notice this is the time of year where the online dating commercials are in heavy rotation. They offer free month trials. They show happy couples dancing around with their wedding dates in small print. Match.com’s latest commercials are a killer for us single folks! This new ad campaign has a man who pretty much harasses single people in the street leading them to believe that if they do not sign up for match.com they will be doomed for the single life forever. Get the fuck out of here! If you happen to enjoy online dating, great for you. I have plenty of friends who have met their significant other through this method of dating. And I also believe you should be open to trying new things. However, if that’s not your thing, you should not feel bad about it. Or if you have tried online dating and it didn’t work for you these commercials can have you feeling like you are a loser. “Why did it work for them, not me… What’s wrong with me!” The devil is a liar!
Beware of those stupid ass holiday movies where women are desperate to have dates to weddings, family gatherings, etc. and pay men to pose as their boyfriend and.or fiance.
I never understood the purpose of those movies. It usual has the protagonist who is success, smart, gorgeous, but just can’t find a date to their sister’s wedding and they decide to pay off a man to pose as their date. This perpetuates the idea that showing up to a family function single and by yourself is a bad thing. Get the fuck out of here. As we know, and as I say in almost every single post, meeting men is not hard. There is no need to buy into that desperation. And furthermore, is showing up to a family gathering as a confident single person really that damn bad?! Ummmm… hell no.
Beware of the random text messages from Ghosts of Dates Past…
We have all experienced it. The random text messages from a guy you went out with months ago, or an asshole ex boyfriend, or just some random. Back in the day you would get what was obviously a group text that wasn’t personalized. But these fools have gotten hip to the game and at least add your name to the end of that random:
Happy Thanksgiving…. Merry Christmas.
Or some of them really personalize it. I got a text from a random guy I went out years ago on Thanksgiving. I was shocked.
Thinking of you here and there. Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Thank you. Same to you.
Short, sweet, simple and to the point. It left no room for him to go any further. Don’t fall victim to the random text of men who have already showed their asses or haven’t proven themselves to be worthy of your time. A random text message from a man who hasn’t bothered to reach out to you in months? Ummmm…. I don’t think so. There are 365 days in a year. These calls and/or texts typically come when you’re feeling a little vulnerable. And it’s easy to engage n the foolery. But when a man has shown you who he really is. You must believe him. Do not fall into the trap of who he used to be, what you want him to be, or what you thought he was. Go with his actions. A random phone call/text on a Holiday when a man has been missing in action for months. Well…. The writing is pretty much on the wall.
Beware of the fast forward thinking…. Stay in the present moment
It is easy to start fast forwarding to New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day and thinking about the possibility of being alone. Trust me, I have been there. As folks are making their New Year’s Eve plans you are suddenly aware that you could possibly be spending it single. Or you think about spending yet another Valentine’s Day where cupid’s arrow took a detour and missed your heart. IT’s okay and normal to have those human moments. But try to live in the moment. Today is December 1st. A lot can happen in the next 30-45 days. IF you lament on something that hasn’t happened you could miss the beauty of what is happening right in front of your eyes. Trust me, I have been famous for fast forward thinking and missing out in the present moment. But once you allow yourself to live in the moment you will find hidden gems you never noticed before.
Beware of the well meaning folks who will ask you about your love life…
If you are a loyal reader to my blog, you know this used to drive me nuts! I used to say the only time it is acceptable for someone to ask me:
So are you seeing anyone special… DO you have a boyfriend… Are you dating anyone
Is if it is followed by:
If not, I have a wonderful man I woud like you to meet.
I now recognize my annoyance of this question was due to my own insecurities about being single. It’s actually an acceptable question to ask. But it has taken me many years to recognize that and be in a place where I no longer want to haul off and smack someone for asking the question. However, I suggest you have the Single’s version of the 2 minute elevator talk. Have your one liner answer ready and available. These comebacks have to be pleasant, non-irritable, and not leave any room for a follow up question. It also has to give the appearance that you are open and not annoyed by the question. Here are some of my favorites that have done the trick.
Question: Do you have a boyfriend?
Answer: Nope, but I’m accepting applications.
Question: Are you dating anyone.
Answer: I’m dating everyone
Question: Are you seeing anyone special?
Answer: Nope… Specials is overrated…
Depending on how you feel or where you are in you single spectrum. You can subtly change the subject. Or you can blatantly ask someone if they know of anyone who you might vibe with. Hell… it’s not a crime to let folks know you are single and open to meeting people.
Beware of feeling like you are the last woman standing…
I have mastered the art of being the only single person at a dinner party. It can be very easy to look around a room this time of year and feel like you are the last single woman on the planet. Instead of feeling like an outsider, try to change you way of thinking about it. Each of my friends who are married or coupled up in healthy, loving relationships, remind me that there is a such thing as happily ever after. Being around people in healthy relationships is contagious. It reminds you that what you are looking for in a mate is feasible and tangible. As a matter of fact, I highly recommend you spend time around your favorite couples and soak in that great energy.
Last and not least, beware of feeling like being single is some type of disease…
What would happen if you actually started to enjoy this tie in your life? What would happen if you recognized what a blessing it is to be able to spend time getting to know YOU and date YOU? What if you recognized and acknowledged that you will NOT be single forever and there are great men out there who are actually looking for someone like YOU? What if, you actually decided to spend this holiday in Singledom HAPPY and being okay with where you re in this present time? Here’s the real deal, if you cannot enjoy being single and happy, how in the hell will you be able to enjoy being in a relationship? IF you are not happy spending time with YOU how can you be happy with someone else. Perhaps this is the time in your life where you really get to figure what make you happy and become whole so that when you meet your soul mate it is about two whole people coming together and building a life together.
At the end of the day, this Holiday could possibly be your last Holiday to be single so damn it, enjoy it!