The Seven Year Itch… Scratch… Wound…
You all know every once in a while I get deep. Maybe this is post will be TMI and feel like emotional diarrhea. But I always feel like my experiences can help someone else out. I also never want to make it seem like my life is all daisies and roses. The reason I started this blog was because I wanted women to have a place where they could get authentic stories. This blog has morphed into something bigger than just my dating foolery. So today… I want to be vulnerable and honest because quite frankly, that’s how I am feeling!
I woke up this morning my stomach was hurting and my chest felt a little heavy. I recognized the feeling. Today would have been my seven year wedding anniversary. And please don’t get me wrong. I do not in any way want to be back in my marriage. There is nothing worse than being in a marriage where you feel lonely. I understand that being alone and lonely is far better than being in a marriage and lonely. And being single is better than being in a bad marriage. Hell anything is better than being in a bad marriage! But I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel some kind of way. The idea that just seven years ago I was in my hotel suite getting ready to walk down the aisle seems like a lifetime ago and somewhat daunting. Trust me I am not walking around all depressed with my head down. But for some reason, I felt the need to sit with the feeling instead of pushing it away. I think all women who have gone through a divorce have moments where they think of what their life would be like if they were still married to their ex-husband. I think I would more than likely be 50 pounds bigger, have two kids, be homely, and extremely unhappy. But knowing me, I would have fooled myself into thinking that I was actually happy. And that I loved my extra curves and that being a mother and wife was all I needed in life to make me happy. I would have made myself okay with the ordinary. It’s amazing what an expert I am at selling myself on a dream. I had perfected that craft which is why I ultimately got married in the first place… Oh boy… I think I am digressing!
Here’s the honest to goodness truth. No matter how shitty a marriage is, no matter how happy you are to be free and single. No matter being a self proclaimed Serial Dater. No one likes divorce. That’s why I never understood the concept of a divorce parties. There is nothing to celebrate; it’s the ending of a dream. It’s the ending of the life you thought you were supposed to have. Hell, going through a divorce is downright depressing. It annoys the shit out of me when women who have been through the divorce process gloss over how hard the shit really is. No matter how long you have been married… or in my case, how short the marriage lasted. Having to ask the court for your maiden name back, moving, and starting a new life when you still haven’t figured out what the hell happened to the life you thought you were beginning is a fucked up feeling. While I am now in a great place it has been a journey getting here. There were sleepless nights, non stop crying, and the feeling of hopelessness. As painful as the journey was, I wouldn’t change a thing. The pain is what made me who I am today. It forced me to take a good long hard look at myself and figure out what the hell I wanted in life. It forced me to face things I had pushed down for many years.
If someone would have told me seven years ago on the day that I got married, that seven years later I would be single again and dating. I think I would have passed out! Here’s a fact… As much as I enjoy bringing you tales from my dating foolery, as fulfilling as this blog is, I would love to be in a relationship with my true soul mate. However, there’s a caveat to that. As much as I look forward to my real relationship as well as the day I will be able to call this blog Confessions of a FORMER Serial Dater in LA. Since I have experienced a bad marriage, I will stay single for another 40 years if it means waiting on the right person. (Please LAWD don’t let it be 40 years). As much as I have enjoyed dating, I really am a relationship type of girl. Go figure! The Serial Dater is a relationship girl. At the end of the day I want to Serial Date my husband! But I won’t force myself into a relationship that isn’t right because I fear I won’t find something better. I won’t rush into something because I do not have the patience to wait for what’s right. But I have no qualms saying to the world, I am ready for my real relationship. I can’t wait to experience the relationship in the place where I am now. Now that the healing has taken place, now that my journey has brought me to where I am today. Wow! It’s going to be Euphoric. That man will be one lucky guy!
Over the last seven years I have experienced the itch of having to sit in my fear, loneliness, and impatience that I tried to mask by being in the wrong relationship. I have experienced the scratch of the unknown. It is hard to not have a crystal ball into your future and not know what lays ahead. And finally I experienced the wound of going through a marriage and a devastating divorce.
Without an injury you can’t experience the joy of being healed. If you don’t go through the pain you can’t truly appreciate what it means to recover. Seven years later I can honestly say I am grateful for the experience.
Like I said, I woke up this morning and took a second to reflect on what my life would be like if I were still married. Then I went downstairs, made myself a cup of coffee, wrote in my journal, and meditated. And it hit me… Why in the hell was I reflecting on could’ve, should’ve, would’ve?! Why do I always dwell on the past? This was something I was more aware of in the last few weeks and I was making an effort to be in the present moment. So instead I chose to be grateful for what I have gained over the last seven years the career I have now, the experiences I have had, the amazing friends that I have gained, the knowledge of knowing I have a family I can lean on at my lowest point who love me unconditionally.
After my morning meditation, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and the movie of the last seven years played in my mind. And I suddenly found myself crying happy tears because I had an epiphany… through my pain I found my purpose. It took seven years. Well actually 37 years… But I finally found what I was brought into this world to do and what a great feeling of joy it brought me! So happy anniversary to me!