50 Shades of Cray- Part 3

New Year’s Eve?  That was a big ask.  First of all, I had just gotten back from the east coast and I was still on east coast time.  For the very first time ever I really didn’t want to do shit for New Year’s Eve.  Did I mention what a shitty year 2015 was for me?!  To be completely honest, I wanted to make macaroni and cheese, red beans and rice, collard greens, candied yams and watch a Sex and the City marathon and down a bottle of champagne.  However, I didn’t want to be a hypocrite.  I tell my followers to get out.  I say, “You’re not going to meet prince charming sitting on your couch.”  So I decided to eat my words and take “Kevin” up on his offer.  Perhaps the line of blogger/ real human being was being crossed and I didn’t know how to navigate real life vs. blogger advice…

Me:  Okay.  Let’s do it.  What do you want to do?

Kevin:  The only issue is I have my kids for new Year’s Eve.  More than likely my oldest two are going to a friend’s house, but my daughter will be there.  I would love for you to spend the new year with me and my daughter.

 Record screech to a fucking halt.  Is he out of his fucking mind????  And why the fuck didn’t he say that from the beginning?  I felt like I had been backed into a corner.  I wasn’t ready to meet his 15-year-old daughter.  I was once a 15-year-old daughter who had to meet my father’s girlfriends and I hated all of those bitches and treat them like shit.  Meeting the sons were easy.  But I knew I had bad karma stored up from the shit I gave my dad’s girlfriends and wives.  I was not about to begin my new year with a hormonal teenager.  Why did men try to force their adolescent daughters on a random chick he was dating?!  And I’m not ashamed to say, at this point “Kevin” and I had no history.  He was trying to force me on his daughter and that shit wasn’t right. There are so many insecure women out there who would gladly accept this role and try to be the “stepmom” without even knowing what the children needed.  In their dumb ass minds they thought they could work their way through the children to his heart.  I knew better than that!  I knew it was highly inappropriate for me to be around his daughter.

Me:  Kevin, I’m not ready to meet your daughter yet.  And to be honest, you shouldn’t even be bringing me around your daughter yet.  We just started dating.

Kevin:  My daughter is super laid back and will like you. 

 Me:  That’s not the point.  I’m just not ready for that yet.

 Kevin:  I completely understand.  Let me see if I can make arrangements. 

Me:  Cool.  Just let me know either way, so I can make other plans if we don’t get together.

 Kevin:  Ok.  Will do.

 A friend of mine was having a party at their house.  And if my plans fell through with “Kevin” I would go to that.  After all, there was no way on God’s green earth I was going to spend my New Year’s Eve at home by myself.  The would be a travesty, a crisis!  I spent the rest of my last day of 2015 cooking, meditating, cleaning, and just relaxing.  Around 7pm I sat down on my couch with a bottle of Moet and a heaping plate of soul food that looked like Precious would be eating it.  I noticed that “Kevin” still hadn’t followed through with letting me know our plans.  I figured I would hear from him shortly.  I poured myself a glass of champagne and ate my plate of food like I was at a soup kitchen.  And before I knew it, I woke up.  My black ass fell asleep on the couch.  I was thinking I had taken a quick 20-minute cat nap.  When I rubbed my eyes and realized it was 2:37am and not only had I missed the party and the countdown.  But I slept through the New Year.  This was unheard of!  I checked my phone and noticed “Kevin” had tried to call me at 11:30pm.  This fool was not slick!  I knew exactly what he did.  He tied my ass up so that I couldn’t make other New Year’s Eve plans with someone else.  Or even worse, his old ass tied me up and he went out with someone else who wanted to sit and play step mommy to his teenage daughter!  I knew the damn game!  He wasn’t slick and I was pissed the fuck off.  I wasn’t about to let him know I fell asleep on my couch.  I told my close girlfriend who had called and asked what happened to me for the party.  And I told her to tell my other friends I was out on a date.  I had a “reputation” uphold.  Me home on New Year’s Eve?  What?!  No… I couldn’t let that become public knowledge.  I called “Kevin” once the frog was gone away from my voice.

Kevin:  Happy New Year.

 

Me: (dry and flat) Yeah you too. 

 

Kevin:  What did you end up doing?

 

Me:  The question is what did YOU end up doing?

 

Kevin:  I just ended up hanging out with the kids here.

 

Me:  And you didn’t think it was appropriate to let me know.

 

I wasn’t trying to be a bitch and start his year off nagging or mine cussing his out.  But seriously that was fucking rude.  And I honestly didn’t give a shit because I got some good ass sleep.  But that was besides the point.

Kevin:  I tried to see about getting someone to watch them but it fell through.

 

Me:  Your missing the point Kevin.  You had me waiting on you and I cancelled my plans because I thought we were getting together.  Let me be very clear, my time is precious and the second I feel like you are disrespecting my time, that becomes an issue.  Tonight was not cool.

 

Kevin:  My bad.  I was trying to balance and I was unsuccessful at it.

 

Me:  Again you’re missing the point.  All you had to do was COMMUNICATE THAT.  Instead you went MIA and that’s not cool.

 

Isn’t it funny how when you’re really not feeling someone you could care less about how you’re coming off.  As opposed to when you like someone you are always overthinking if you should or shouldn’t express your disappointment.  FUCK that.  One thing I have learned; is you have to let the men know how you feel.  If they did something that rubs you the wrong way, you need to let them know.  It’s all about HOW you communicate it.

 

Kevin:  I’m really sorry.  I didn’t mean to be disrespectful.  And I don’t want us to start the year off on a bad foot.

 

Me:  I know you didn’t intentionally disrespect me.  But the fact is you did.  Happy New year and let’s just talk tomorrow.

 

Before he could answer, I hung up the phone and ran to the bathroom.  That was the other reason why I rushed him off the phone.  My earlier evening of sipping champagne was running through me.  And to be completely honest, I was actually glad I spent NYE by myself.  At the end of the day, it would have been a waste of time to bring in the New year with him when I knew deep down inside he was just a filler.  I wasn’t going to force this.  Instead, what I was going to do was practice with him.  Practice being in a local relationship.  Practice cooking great meals and hanging out.

By the time he called me the next morning apologizing again, I was thankful he couldn’t see my eye rolling.  He invited me out to dinner.  And I decided since I had been such a bitch to him the previous day (rightfully so) I would offer to cook him dinner at my house.  He was thrilled.  And I loved cooking.

When “Kevin” arrived for the dinner date, I opened the door and he looked similar to the Nutty Professor.  It’s amazing what happens once you are really and truly not feeling someone anymore.  At least for me there is no turning back.  And I was desperately trying to make myself like him.  But we lacked passion, he was slowly working my nerves, and I just wasn’t attracted to him.  But I welcomed him into my home with open arms.  And he opened his arms to welcome me.  And aside from the cheap suit, I noticed he came empty fucking handed.  No flowers, no bottle of wine, nothing.  He just showed up.  WTF?!  For the nosey ass men who are reading my blog.  Let me give you a bit of advice.  When a woman invites you to her house for a home cooked meal, you show up with flowers and a nice bottle of wine!  And do not think just because you have taken her out to numerous dinners that it is okay to show up empty handed.  Your ass was eating at those fabulous restaurants too.  Taking a woman out to dinner is not some consolation prize for you to show your ass or show up to her home when she is slaving over the stove cooking for you empty handed.  That makes you tacky as hell!  “Kevin” already had 3 strikes against him:

• Balding
• Being fat
• New Year’s Eve Foolery

And now he was slowly but surely about to seal his fate.  I took a sip of my wine and offered him a glass of water… since his ass didn’t drink.

Kevin:  It smells amazing in here…

 

Me:  Thanks.

 

Kevin proceeded to sit his fat ass on my couch and turn to sports… Wow, this fool was getting extremely comfortable.  Did he ask if I needed help with anything…? No!  I took a deep breath and a took a longer swig of my Sauvignon Blanc.

When Sportscenter went to commercial break he wobbled his fat ass over to the bar stool and had a seat.  Suddenly I was beginning to miss the blazer he wore to hide his flaws!

Kevin:  Are you growing your hair out?  Looks like your hair is getting longer.

 

Me:  No, I have an appointment with my stylist.  I am way overdue for a cut…

 

Kevin:  No!!!  Don’t cut your hair.  You should let it grow out more.  It give it  more body.

 

I counted backwards from 10 to 1.  Because you already know my first thought was to say, “You’re the last person who should be talking about growing hair out when you have a Spotlight hidden on the top of you head!”  Instead I said calmly:

Me:  Kevin, you do not get to dictate how I style my hair.

 

He got the hint and made his way back to the couch to continue watching the game.  After I finished slaving over the stove.  I brought him over a plate of food.  He wolfed the shit down like it was his last supper.  In between him taking large piles of food and stuffing it into his mouth he said:

Kevin:  This is amazing.  Can I have seconds? 

He handed over his plate to me as he was watching the game and screaming at Kobe for missing a free throw. He did it like it was nothing.  Like I was his servant and I was serving him.  I had a thought to shove the piece of bread in his face and mush it.  Instead, I got up… mad him a second plate and poured myself a glass of wine.

When I went back to hand his ass the plate he took it and didn’t  say “Thank You” and didn’t take his eyes off the game.  Is this a fucking joke?!  When the commercial came on, he decided to be attentive.

Kevin:  So what did you do today. 

Me:  Not much.  Just went to church and relaxed.

Kevin:  Where do you go?

Me:  One Church LA.

 Kevin:  I’ve heard some great things about that church. 

Me:  I love it.  

Kevin:  I would love to go with you one Sunday.

 Record screech to a halt! I do not bring Randoms to church with me.  Church is my time to be centered and get my mind right.  It was not a dating location, nor would it ever be.  I was very clear I was NOT feeling “Kevin” and I had no vision of us walking into my church hand in hand and singing in praise in worship.

Me:  Kevin… No shade, but bringing someone with me to my church is a BIG deal.  We would need to be close to marriage before I did that.  My church time is sacred.  I hope you can understand that.

Kevin:  I get it.  I have just heard a lot of great things about that church.

 Me:  Uh huh…  But I hope you can respect what I am saying.  It’s just a thing for me.  Not to mention you live a good hour and a half form the church.  But I’m not ready to make my church time a date night.

 Kevin:  I respect that.

The game came on and I found myself getting hot.  Maybe it was the oven being up so high to cook the meal, maybe it was the thought of him intruding on my sacred time… But suddenly I became hot!

Me:  It’s hot in here.

Kevin:  It’s probably all the wine you’re drinking…

 Me:  Excuse me?! 

Kevin:  Well that is your third glass…

Me:  Why are you counting.

Kevin:  I’m not counting, but you have had a lot of wine and that’s probably why your hot.

I didn’t want to admit he didn’t count the glass I had before he came. LOL!  But I had to numb my feelings before his fat balding old ass arrived.  AND furthermore, this is why I do not date men who don’t drink.  They are always counting how many glasses you have had.  I turned up my air conditioner.  When I came downstairs, the game was STILL on.  Shit… How long do these fucking games last?  And he seemed so comfortable sitting on my couch, eating my food, and watching my cable.  I found myself disgusted.  This fool was too damn comfortable.  And I didn’t like it!

“Monique take a deep breath and have a seat.  You’re tripping.  Take a chill pill and stop writing a script and getting mad when the guy doesn’t follow it!”

So I sat my ass down and tried to get into the game.  And there Matt Barnes flashed across the screen.  Okay…  I don’t follow NBA but I do follow Basketball Wives and the story had just leaked about Matt Barnes driving to kick Derek Fisher’s ass.  So I said:

Me:  He’s fucking crazy…

 

Kevin cocked his balding head to the side and said:

Kevin:  Why do you cuss so much?

 

Me:  excuse me?

 

I was taken aback.  Even my inner loving diva said, “He’s a FUCKING asshole.  Kick his ass out of your house immediately!”  Was this the same man that gave me props on how I threw out “F” bombs in my blog posts during our first date?  And to top it off he said it with such disgust like he was swatting a fly.

Kevin:  You throw out those “F” bombs like its nothing.

 

Me:  Does my cussing bother you?

 

Kevin:  I just don’t find it lady like.

 

Me:  I have cussed from the very beginning and if you have a problem with that let me know now and you can get the FUCK out.

 

Kevin:  Well damn why are you coming at me like that?

 

Me:  Here I have made you a nice meal in my home and you have the audacity to try to tell me how I should wear my hair, how much I should and shouldn’t drink, and try to control how I speak!  That a problem.

 

You see… “Kevin” had managed to commit three major offenses in one night.

• Commented on my hair:  I have a short hair cut.  That ain’t changing.  If a man has an issue with a woman with short hair, then don’t date me.  You are out of line telling me to grow my hair out.  If you meet a woman with short hair, best believe that is her thing and if you don’t like it then keep it moving.
• Commented on my drinking: I am a drinker.  I love my wine and that ain’t changing.  If you don’t drink than do YOU but I love my wine and will always enjoy a glass.  The only time in my life that I will not drink is when I am pregnant, nursing, or on antibiotics.  If you have to carry me out of establishments or pull me out of be to go to work.  That’s a different story.  But I drink WINE!  Blank. Period…
• Commented on my cussing: I am a Jersey girl… I cuss.  I cuss like a sailor.  FUCK is part of my everyday language.  Will I cuss in front of children… No.?  Will I cuss at inappropriate time… No.  But when I am relaxed and hanging out with friends, or need to accentuate a point I will say FUCK on the regular basis.  And guess what… that ain’t changing.

It became clear to me that “Kevin” preferred dating younger woman because he thought he could control them.  Little did he know he crossed the wrong Tender Roni!

***to be continued***