50 Shades of Cray… The Conclusion

Since I have been on European travel and the conclusion took so long.  Here is a nice extra long post for you all.  Back to regularly scheduled post!  Enjoy!!!

I looked at “Kevin” and suddenly all I saw was a balding, old, fat fuck.  I read this book and I knew how it started, the inciting incident, and the conclusion.  This is how control works… it’s a marathon not a race.  It starts off real slow and steady and then in the end it turns into a sprint.  A man will wine you, dine you, and make you “feel” really special and then little by little he will make a suggestion about your hair, then it’s your make up, then it’s your cussing, then it’s your friends that he doesn’t like and before you know it, you morph into a soccer mom rocking a mom bob hairstyle, ponytails, or a dried out “natural”, wearing chap stick instead of lip gloss, wearing mom jeans, dressed in all black t-shirts and leggings to hide the fact that you’re 35 pounds heavier, with no friends.  You lose yourself and you become what the controlling bastard wants you to be.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I acknowledge, I cuss like a fucking sailor.  I have been working on my mouth, but if I was going to curtail my cussing it would be because I WANT to not because an aging asshole thinks it’s “un-lady” like.  My short haircut is my signature look.  And if I decide to switch it up it will be because I WANT to not because a man walking around wearing oversized blazers to hide his gut told me to.  And in terms of my wine consumption… well I won’t even honor that with a response!  There I go digressing!

 

“Kevin” had ran his course and I was disgusted by him.  And once I am disgusted and not into your ass, I can be a real bitch.

 

Me:  Kevin, I am really tired.  I think you should go home now.

 

Kevin:  Listen, I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful.  But when you’re dating someone you should be able to tell them how you feel about things that bother you and vice versa.

 

I wanted to tell him “I would like for you to change how you dress, shave your head bald instead of trying to be deceptive, and you aren’t as young looking as you think.”  But instead I said…

 

Me:  I understand your point.  But there is a time and place for everything.  I spent hours (over dramatic I know) cooking an amazing meal for you, I invite you to my home, and you take it as an opportunity to shit on me and I really don’t appreciate it.  Let’s talk tomorrow.

 

Kevin attempted to say something else to make his point.  But I walked to the door.  Opened it…

 

Me:  Good night Kevin.

 

He wobbled his fat ass out of the house and I plopped on the couch.  I immediately did what all girls do after a shitty date.  I called my best friend to vent.  She was disgusted too.

 

Best Friend:  Can you hold out until Valentine’s Day?  It’s right around the corner.  You put in all this time you might as well get a gift out of it.

 

Me:  I don’t think I can hold out until then.  No gift will be big enough, one gift I can’t get back is time.  This fool is wasting mine!

 

You see all women have this inner struggle when it comes to Valentine’s Day and they are dating someone they aren’t necessarily in to. Do you:

 

• Decide to hang in there just so you aren’t once again alone on Valentine’s Day?
• Roll out and cut your loses short. Was this man worth the ROI of your time?

 

In this case, I had assessed the situation and “Kevin” wasn’t worth it!

 

Best friend:  I feel you… Are we still going out to dinner on Wednesday?

 

I had completely forgotten that we made plans to finally go on a double date.  Her fiancé was so excited I was finally bringing one of my victims… I mean dates, around and he would have an opportunity to check out my dating situation for himself after he got on my case about not giving guys a chance.

 

Me:  Oh shit… I forgot about that!  I don’t feel like going and sitting there with his old ass.  I swear by the end of the evening I wanted to mush the plate of food into his face!  And I don’t want your man thinking that that fool is actually my speed or who I usually would date.

 

This is the damn reason I purposefully do not bring guys around my friends.  For this very fucking reason!  I knew I was about to give this clown his exit interview but now I am stuck having to explain his unexpected eliminated position!  I was starting to have heart palpitations and hot flashes form the anxiety attack.  Why the hell am I so damn dramatic?!  LOL!  But my best friend does what she usually does.  Turns lemons into lemonade.

 

Best friend:  Guuuurrrrrlllll!  Calm down.  You know my man knows you.  Let’s have fun with this… I’m not going to say anything to him about the fact you aren’t into him and let’s see what he says.  At the end of the day, you deserve a nice meal and cocktails after this bullshit!

 

Not a bad idea.  Although if I was completely honest, a part of me was fearful that her man would think “Kevin” was wonderful and I was a dumb ass for kicking him to the curb.  Although folks say they don’t care what people think… is that really true?  Maybe that’s my tragic flaw.  I worry too much about what people will think instead of doing what the fuck I want to do and live my life!  It was a constant struggle for me.

“Kevin” called me and apologized for the evening before and confirmed our Wednesday night double date.  We met up with my friend and her fiancé at Firefly in Studio City.  I was relieved that “Kevin” wore a sweater with a blazer over it.  My friend and her fiancé came in and of course he had on his shades which meant he was low key going to assess this man I had brought into our circle.  The men were conversing and my best friend and I were enjoying our wine.  And that’s when Strike number 4 happened.  My friend’s fiancé was big in the music industry back in the 90’s and had done well for himself.  They live in a fabulous house that is ideal for throwing large parties and entertaining.  “Kevin” had somehow got on the topic of these networking mixers he does.

 

Kevin:  They are really nice.  We typically have about 100 folks attend them.

 

Best friend Fiancé:  That sounds nice.  We had a Christmas party at our house last year and had about 100 people too. 

 

He had a tendency to brag about things, but this is what made him endearing.  Hell…  when you work hard to achieve shit in life you deserve as many bragging rights as possible!

 

Me:  It was so nice.  The pool was lit with candles, they had it catered, and had a bartender.  It was awesome.

 

Kevin:  Your house can fit 100 people?!

 

Best friends Fiancé:  Yeah.  Even more when you get to the backyard.  It’s made for entertaining.

 

Kevin:  Well maybe you guys can host my next mixer.

 

Record screech to a fucking halt.  This did not just happen.  Please tell me I am in a bad dream.  Anyone who knows me knows I have a lot of influential friends.  I am very picky about who I let into my inner circle of friends for this very reason.  Before I could stop myself.

ME:  Are you crazy?  No!

 

I could tell my best friend and her fiancé were mortified too.  Luckily her fiancé kept it calm and simply said….

 

Best Friends Fiancé: I’m not into having people I don’t know at my house.

 

Me: Exactly!

 

My Best friend:  Excuse us, we are going to the ladies room.

 

We went to the bathroom.

 

Bestfriend:  Girl!  That fool is a trip.  You were so right.  I can’t believe he actually asked us to host a party at our house! 

 

Monique:  Now your man can finally see why I do not take the time to give fools a chance after they have already showed their ass.

 

Best friend:  Let’s just get through tonight.

 

Me:  I’ll try.

 

When we walked back to the table the fellas looked like they were having a pretty chill convo.  I sat down and “Kevin” sat back and put his arms around me like he was the man.  I concentrated on not throwing up in my mouth.  I couldn’t wait for this dinner to be over.  So I could finally give him his walking papers.  At least “Kevin” paid for the dinner.  Hopefully he wasn’t thinking of it as a deposit for his party at my friend’s house!  I can’t take it!

 

On our way back to my house, I responded to all of his questions with one word answers and was real quiet.  I knew me.  When I was this annoyed and turned off, if I didn’t concentrate on what I said, my tongue was like a Swiss blade and could cut you to shreds.  We got to my house and there we had the break up convo.  It had been a while since I had to do this in person because as you know, I am typically in Import/Export relationships.  And usually those run its course, the phone calls start dwindling, the visits lesson, and before you know it they or you just disappear into thin air.  Suddenly I liked the idea of the Import/Export relationship.  You didn’t have to be a grown up and actually communicate.  You could hide behind the distance.  Now I had to put on my big girl panties and kick this man to the curb.  And to be honest I couldn’t wait!

Kevin:  You’re real quiet.

 

Me:  I am still in utter shock that you would ask my friends to host your mixer.  She is my best friend and I wouldn’t even think to ask her to host my Cocktail and Confessions events.  What were you thinking?

 

Kevin:  I don’t see anything wrong with asking, if it’s a problem they will say no and we can move on. 

 

Me:  That’s not the point.  If I take you to other friends’ homes and they have a nice house are you going to ask them the same thing?

 

Kevin:  Maybe.  It doesn’t hurt to ask.

 

Me:  Well I find that real tacky and I do not appreciate it.

 

Kevin:  I think you’re over thinking it.

 

I walked to my fridge and got some water.  I wanted to make sure he saw that I wasn’t grabbing a glass of wine and what I was about to say was coming from a clear space.  I purposefully didn’t ask him if wanted anything.  I took a deep breath gathered my thoughts and finally said…

 

Me:  This isn’t working?

 

Kevin:  What isn’t?

 

Me:  You and I.  We just aren’t on the same page.  We aren’t compatible mentally, physically, or emotionally.  And I’m just not feeling this.

 

Kevin:  Why?  Because I asked your friends to host my event?

 

This dumb ass just wasn’t getting it!

 

Me:  No.  Because we aren’t compatible.

 

Kevin:  I challenge you to give this another chance.  I think you are running away like you always do and taking the easy way out.

 

This was the second man to tell me that in a week. (new post coming soon)

 

Me:  No, I am the type that doesn’t like to waste time.  I think you’re a great person (total bullshit.  I thought he was an ass) But you’re just not right for me.

 

Kevin:  Is this because I said something about your cussing?

 

Me:  It’s not just that, I think you have the potential to be controlling.

 

Kevin: (slightly indignant) That is not true!  I do not!  No one has ever called me controlling!  

 

Me:  That’s just my opinion.  We can agree to disagree.

 

Kevin: I think you are giving up on this because you are scared you’re going to get hurt.  My apologies for jumping at your statement.  Feel free to reach out when you are ready to release your pause.

 

“Pause” my ass.  This was an official break.  And his controlling ass attitude wasn’t even allowing me to cut him loose!  He was still trying to control how I broke up with him.  But I am not a fool, I wasn’t trying to get a controlling man pissed off in my house.  I had to be very delicate with how I handled this.  I am not saying “Kevin” was violent or anything like that.  But I still needed be respectful with how I approached this.  At the end of the day he wasn’t a bad person, he just wasn’t right for me.  He needed to face the fact that he should stick with basic women in his own age range.

I walked “Kevin” to the door and hit him with my famous break up line.  Which meant you didn’t have a second chance.  I was officially done.

 

Me:   I wish you nothing but the best “Kevin.”  Good luck with everything.

 

With that, he slowly walked out.  I closed the door and did a hallelujah dance.  This was a big deal for me.  I manage, to break up with a man I was dating locally and be grown up and respectful.  That deserved a much needed glass of wine.  I poured a glass of Starborough Sauvignon Blanc, sat on my couch and yelled out every single cuss word I could imagine.  I texted my hair stylist and made an appointment for an extra short haircut.  I felt liberated and I had only been dating this man for few months.  A new record for me since my divorce.  Maybe I was getting better with age.  I was looking forward to a good night’s sleep and planned on heading to my Sunday place of refuge… My church.  Yes, a person who drinks like a fish and cusses like a sailor does go to church!  What can I say… I’m a work in progress.  LOL!

 

The next day, I went over to my best friend’s house after church to prepare myself for her fiancé’s opinion of our double date.  I walked in ready to hear a speech about what a great guy he was and that I wasn’t giving him a chance.  But to my surprise, when I got to their kitchen and her fiancé saw me he immediately started laughing.  And not just chuckle.  He was damn near in tears!

 

Best friend’s fiancé:  Who the fuck was that joker?!

 

I couldn’t help but laugh with him.  That shit was cray-cray!

 

Me:  What?  You actually thought he was a fool too?!

 

Best Friend’s Fiancé:  Hell yeah!  First of all, that sweater wasn’t hiding his big ass gut, and he has a big ass shiny bald spot.  And the way he leaned back and put his arm around you like he was the man was a damn joke!  Hell no Mo! 

 

Me:  I thought you were going to get on my case that I wasn’t giving him a chance.

 

Best friend’s fiancé: Hell no!

 

Best Friend:  See, I told you!

 

Best friend’s fiancé:  Mo, don’t ever forget your worth.  When I walked in and saw you two together I immediately knew you were settling.  Do not settle for nobody.

 

It’s interesting when a man tells you that.  It’s one thing for you and your girls to have that conversation.  But this was confirmation that I wasn’t tripping.  When a man can size another man up and know he isn’t right for you, then you have confirmation in your decision.

 

Best friend:  Now you see why she doesn’t bring randoms around for you to meet?!

 

Me:  Exactly.  So in the future when you start questioning why I am so quick to cut fools off, you now know why.

 

Best Friend’s Fiancé:  You ain’t lying!

 

As I was getting ready for the work week, low and behold my phone started ringing and guess who was calling… “Kevin” What the fuck did he want?  I let it ring a few times so it wasn’t obvious I was sending his ass to voicemail.  Then he sent a text….

 

I just called you but your mailbox is full.  Just finished packing for San Diego tomorrow and wanted to get a quick hi and conversation in before going to bed.  Have a good night sleep.

 

Seriously… did he not get the point?!  I waited a few hours and sent him a vague text back.

 

Me: Save travels to San Diego…

 

Kevin:  Will call you when I’m on the road.

 

Why? Oh why was he not getting it.  I spelled it out for him.  I told him I wasn’t interested and his controlling old ass was trying to play the Jedi mind trick and make me forget that I had already respectfully kicked his ass to the curb.  See what happens when I try to be mature and not “Ghost”?!  I didn’t respond to his text.    The next morning, I awakened to another text from “Kevin.”

 

Kevin:  Have a blissful day today!  Sending supa good vibes your way.”

 

Me:  Thanks

 

5 hours later…

 

Kevin: Lets go dancing tomorrow evening out my way?  I know this cool hole in the wall that’s live.  Let me know, after 9pm.  And you can stay over if you’d like to take off in the AM.  And I am aware you want to take a pause so it’s all good.

 

This can’t be serious.  This man was not going to take no for an answer…

 

2 days later…

 

Kevin:  Let’s go to this comedy show this week.

 

By the time he sent this text, I knew I had to go underground.  I could not even be “nice” because he wouldn’t get the message.  My instincts about him were correct.  And he was beginning to concern me.

 

3 days later…

 

Kevin:  What’s the name of your church again?  I looked it up and there were a lot of churches with the same name…

 

This man was taking stuff to the next level.  He already knew my church was my sacred ground and I wasn’t interested in him stalking me at my church.  This man wasn’t taking no for an answer.  I didn’t answer him and decided to stay home from church to avoid bumping into him.  Now this fool was invading my spiritual space after I TOLD him that I did not believe in going to church together until I am in a serious relationship with you.

3 hours later…

 

Kevin:  Your Pastor is off the chain!  Fee-nominal message…definitely coming back.  And you’d be amazed how he actually ministered to me as well that was consistent with the message today.  We will talk at some point.  Have a great day!

 

This was getting out of control.  He knew exactly what he was doing.  Bringing in the sermon was a controlling and manipulative way for him to reach out and I would be a heathen to cuss him out from getting “spiritually” fed.  Although I knew this was a major game and form of manipulation on his end!  A sick strategic move on his part!    This man was stalking me!  Keep in mind my church is over an hour and a half away from where he lives.  At this point I picked up the phone and called his dumb ass.  He answered on the first ring.

 

Kevin:  Good morning beautiful.

 

Me:  (my tone was as dry as dry could get) Morning…

 

Kevin:  How have you been?

 

ME:  So you went to my church?

 

Kevin:  Yes.  It was off the chain—

 

Me:  I’m sure it was, that’s why I go there and have been going for several years.  So you drove in the rain over an hour to go to my church?

 

My attempt of trying to be calm was coming to an end.  I could not have this man messing with my sacred Sundays.

 

I could tell he was taken aback by my tone…

 

Kevin:  Yes.  It was worth the drive. I—

 

Me: Do you plan on going every Sunday?

 

Kevin:  No.  I have been wanting to go so I decided to go today. 

 

Me:  Are you planning on becoming a member?

 

Kevin:  I’m not sure yet—

 

At this point I was so disgusted with him and I knew if I stayed on the phone I would cuss him out.  And his controlling as set it up that way.  For me to cuss out a man for going to my church would make me a Demon Spawn.  At this point I knew I would cut his ass off and never speak to him again.  You couldn’t be nice with this fool.  So I hung up in his face.  Oh how I miss the old school phones where when you slammed the phone down the person on the other end could hear and feel the fury of your hang up.  He tried to call back 4 times and I sent his ass straight to voicemail and blocked his number.  I took it a step further and blocked his ass from Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.  Too bad I didn’t have a function on my site to block his ass from accessing the website and my posts.

 

The next morning…

 

Kevin:  Good Morning!  Hope you have a great day and I hope your project is taking off as you have worked so hard to make sure it will.  Keep pushing for greatness.

 

Now he was trying to use my blog and be supportive as another way of manipulation.  Leave me the fuck alone!

 

That weekend I went to my girlfriend’s house for a dinner party and told my girls what was going on.  They immediately went into angry protective mode.

 

What’s this fools phone number… What’s his address…? What’s his full name… Are you locking your doors at night… taking a different route to work… Keep all of those text messages in case you need to report his ass to the police… You better wait months before you write about this one.  You know his ass is lurking on your page trying to find out what you’re up to.  This is serious Mo!

 

My annoyance turned into concern.  I had had met a man who was in is 50’s and crazy.  And he was beyond controlling he was touched!

When I went home that night, I can’t lie… I was looking over my shoulder.  I set my alarm for my house even the next day during the day time when I was home.  My dating foolery had become a safety issue.  Luckily “Kevin” finally got the hint and stopped texting me although occasionally I get invites to his mixers.  I had no intention of going to any of them.  I took my friends advice and kept all of the text messages in case Mr. “50 Shades of Cray” came lurking back and I had to get a restraining order.  The lesson here… Always follow your gut.  When someone seems off, go with it.  You know what your doing and like me, you have dated long enough to keep it moving when you see signs of crazy.   I saw the signs and continued because I didn’t want people to think I was always running away for no good reason. When you’re single long enough it can begin to get in your head.  You might think, “I have been single so long people are going to start thinking I am the cray one… I am tired of always going to shit by myself… Maybe I am expecting too much…”  When you’re single long enough you can become your own worst enemy worrying about what other people think.  At the end of the day who gives a fuck!  You know what is best for you and the moment you start living your dating life through the lens of others is when you could find yourself in a situation of “50 Shades of Cray.”