The Single Ladies Guide to the Holiday Season- The 2018 Edition
Tis the season to be single… fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! The holidays are always an… interesting (for lack of a better word) time of year. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and the launch of the holiday season madness. As people are stuffing the turkey, they are also stuffing their noses in ALL your personal business. As the pies are baking so are good meaning family members and friends’ curiosity about your love life or lack thereof. From Thanksgiving to Christmas to New Year’s Eve to New Year’s Day to Valentine’s Day can all be triggers for the single girl. And if you’re not prepared for what comes your way, you can be taken off guard and sent into the sunken place of Singledom! Because I love you all and we are all in this single grind together… I present to you… the Single Girls Guide to the Holidays- The 2018 Edition….
“You’re beautiful, smart, and successful… I don’t get it, why are you single?”
I truly believe that when people ask this question they are really coming from a good place. They really do believe that you are beautiful, smart and successful and they genuinely do not understand why you’re single. But they do not understand that this question is actually a back handed compliment. They do not realize that more than likely you ask yourself this question on the regular basis. They do not understand that for most beautiful, smart, successful women we could have been in a relationship but we have chosen not to settle for the BS or someone we aren’t really into. We have CHOSEN to be single instead of settle for the foolery of a crappy relationship. This really does come into play the more successful we get. You see, most successful women are living their best lives and believe you me we are all looking for that special someone. But because we are truly independent financially and we have options we really do not settle because we recognize the beauty of having a drama free life filled with happiness. And no we aren’t expecting perfection. We realize that men are works in progress just as we are, however, we are not willing to settle for a relationship just so we have a man to bring around the family during the holidays. Why is it so hard to believe that most single women are single by CHOICE? And we are actually okay with it. I find lots of other people have a bigger problem with me being single than I do. I’m actually living my best life and enjoying it to the fullest. Let me tell you something, don’t believe the hype of the media that tells folks that black women can’t find or meet men. That is utter bullshit. Quantity has never been an issue, it’s quality and I salute my other ladies in Singledom for not settling just for the sake of having a man. I digressed…. So when “well meaning” folks ask you the inevitable question your response is… “Because I am beautiful smart and successful, I CHOOSE not to settle. And I am living my BEST life!” Here’s more on that: https://confessionsofaserialdaterinla.com/2014/12/01/one-single-warning/
“What about kids? Do you still want them? At what point are you going to decide not to have them? Would you do it on your own?”
My Lawd! My Lawd! People are so consumed with my womb and ovaries! When I was 36 years old I made the decision to freeze my eggs. For me, I didn’t want to have to worry about dating on a timetable. I didn’t want to think about the “biological clock ticking” so I took matters into my own hands and made sure that I had options so I could date and look at the character of a man. Not an ovulation schedule. It was the best decision for me. But for other women in Singledom who do not have kids and are of a particular age they are bombarded with these same questions I am. People want to know when you are going to journey into motherhood and when. For me, I am still very traditional. I want to be married and have kids with my husband. But then you have folks who question me and say, “You can have kids on your own… you do not need to have a man.” Ummmm…. Okay.. maybe that would work for you, but for me, that isn’t something I am interested in. Then you get the question of when I will decide to give up the idea of having kids and what will I do with my eggs. These are extremely personal fucking questions. But for some reason when you are single people think they have the authority and the right to question your decisions. They are more aware of your biological clock than you are. And what if you decide that you do not want to have kids. And then you answer the question and tell people you aren’t interested in having kids, then you have to justify why you do not want to have kids. And some people will even make you wrong for that. Then there are women who are single, who might have tried to have children and for some reason it has not happened for them. And it is a sensitive topic for them that they do not want to talk about. When you are single, there aren’t questions that are off limits. People feel like they have the right to ask you questions and give you unsolicited advice. And they even try to project their thoughts on motherhood onto you. So when folks ask you this inevitable question, I have come up with the BEST shut them down answer, “Right now I am enjoying being a fabulous Auntie traveling the world and I look forward to being the auntie your kids tell all their secrets to!”
Stay off of social media if you are having a Single Depression Moment
Okay… so you already know that this time of year is the time of year for engagements. And while you can honestly be happy for someone and their road to matrimony. If you are having a single girl depression moment, social media is NOT your friend. You think everyone you know is getting engaged or announcing they are in a relationship. You’ll feel like you are the last single person on earth. And you might even be tempted to do the unthinkable… snoop on your ex’s page! This WILL NOT make you feel better! Trust me when I say, if you are having an emotionally vulnerable moment. Stay away from social media. Enough said on that one.
Return of the Randoms
I wrote a long post on this one two years ago. The Holiday time is the time when randoms and exes love to reach out. They find the holidays an opportunity to reach out and test the waters. They will send you a “Happy Thanksgiving… Merry Christmas… Happy New Year” text to see how or if you respond. This is why I am so happy I keep a journal. I can revisit the shit that made the relationship end in the first place. A lot of times we as women like to forget about the fuckery someone put us through when we are having a vulnerable lonely moment. We think that perhaps… just maybe… that fool of all fools has changed. Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s always the likely hood that someone has changed for the better. That is always a possibility. But I would venture to say 9 times out of 10 they haven’t. I would even be willing to bet that the text you received was sent out to multiple people. Do not let the holidays put you in a Holidaze and act out of desperation. If you chose to respond keep it short and simple and do not have ANY expectations. Now I am the type that once I’m done… I’m done…. But not everyone is as cutthroat as I am. LOL! Also, do not be the random yourself! When a man shows you who he is believe him! Do not by any means reach out to a man who has already showed you who he is! Your “Happy Holidays” text is NOT going to make him magically become a better man. He isn’t going to see the text and think about what a dick he was and do things better. And worse… what if you send it and you’re stuck waiting for a response, and don’t get one! Please ladies don’t set yourself up for failure. Keep it moving. Here’ more from that post about the Randoms. https://confessionsofaserialdaterinla.com/2015/11/25/the-return-of-the-randoms/
Spend time with your single girlfriends
I know I used to say to you all that I didn’t mind going out with my married friends and being the fifth wheel because it was nice being around people who were married. I told you all it was good to be around other couples and see what a good marriage looks like. Well… well… well… I am entitled to change my opinion. In recent months I have been enjoying going out with my other single girlfriends. Not because I am hating on my married friends. But I find I do not have to put on a fake face and pretend like all is well or try to get them to understand why I personally do not like to do online dating, why I am not open to dating outside my race, having to explain to them why I ended my last relationship, or even just the simple idea of being single and free. I feel like there is something special that bonds single women together and we need to embrace that. We need to be honest with each other and supportive. Not to mention… am I the only one that will sometimes go out with my married girlfriends and I find myself being scrutinized? If there is a guy trying to holler that I am not interested in, there’s that married friend who wants to advise you to give him a chance. Or perhaps you want to act wild and be single and free without the eyes of the watchful judgmental married friend who hasn’t been single since 1942! I find hanging out with other ladies who are in singledom is refreshing and fun.
The Holidays are what you make them. And being single really does resonate during this time. However, it’s is up to you to embrace where you are in your journey and make your own rules for how you want to approach these different things that come up. And if all else fails… there’s always wine! Happy Thanksgiving! You’re not alone!