Single Girl Purgatory
It’s been a while since I brought you my own personal Cocktails and Confessions. I’m feeling a little vulnerable right now. Maybe because technically I am not really giving you a Cocktails and Confessions moment since I am on Day 27 of Dry January perhaps I need to change this to Sparkling Water and Confessions (more to come on that on a separate post). Anyway… I am digressing…
I always told you all that I would never write a blog just for the sake of writing a blog. And for months I felt like I was stuck in blog constipation. But recently I have had diarrhea of blogs and I feel like I have taken a blogging Colonic. TMI… I know! I promised to give you the real Tea because we are in Singledom together. I think it is so important that single ladies are real with each other. Because let’s keep it real, we spend so much time putting on a good face for our friends who are married or in long term relationships that we are ALL good, but there are times when they simply do NOT understand the single girl struggle. Or some of us find ourselves having to explain our Singledom to family members. It can be downright exhausting. You can honestly have moments where you are really okay with the idea of being solo, but so many people question you that you begin to think… well… shit… maybe I need to be sad about it. And it’s not because they are bad people and uncaring, but if you are not in the day to day trenches of this single life, you become immune to what we have to deal with. And let’s keep it real… some of our girls who are in relationships like to pretend like they forgot but you and them both know where ALL her skeletons are buried.
Have you ever felt like you are between two worlds? The world of the single girl you used to be and the world of the single woman you are now and you’re not quite sure where you fit in? After a recent relationship I ended and was spared from… thank God for always looking out for me! (a future blog post about this one coming up soon) I decided to go to a girlfriend’s birthday party. She wanted us to go to a day party. I knew I had no business going to this day party because the last time I went it was a total Snoozefest. But this her birthday weekend and I owed it to her to take a break from my writing hibernation and get out and celebrate with her. I was actually looking forward to getting out and partying because for seven months I was actually tied down and only dating one person (yes folks I do practice what I preach LOL!). I figured I would get back in the grind. Although I wasn’t ready to meet anyone else just yet… I needed to take a break from my writing which had consumed me, have a few cocktails and dance until I sweated out my hair. I walked into the party and… well, I was under-fucking-whelmed. Just as I knew I would be before I even decided to go. The men that were there were extremely… artsy/LA. You know the skinny jeans type with dreads. Or the men who are too damn old to be in the club, the wanna-be ballers, the young starlets, the has-beens, every single aspect of LA that I didn’t like was all present in one location! It was the typical LA scene. Maybe I was just being a little too picky post break up. Or perhaps I had spent so much time in my imaginary world I was creating while writing my novel that I wasn’t used to actual human interaction. I looked around at my other friends who were there and they seemed to be having the time of their lives! What the hell was wrong with me? I am typically the life of the party (at least in my own mind). And I wasn’t distraught over my recent break up because the ending of the relationship was actually a relief and I initiated it. So what they hell was my problem? Was I suffering from PTSD since I hadn’t been out and about in so long?
Before I started breaking out in hives and a panic sweat… My inner loving diva chimed in, Chill out, get a drink and have fun. You deserve it! And I agreed, I absolutely did deserve to have fun. I figured I could at least get a cocktail to loosen my ass up. I went to the bar, “I’ll have a Moet Rosé.” The bartender came back with my Moet Rosé split and a… pause… plastic champagne flute! I looked at him like he was crazy. “Um… I know you’re not giving me a $38 split in a cheap ass plastic flute!” I had been to this location many times before and I knew they had glasses. The bartender shrugged his shoulders and was like, “Sorry, management has mandated that we use plastic for these day parties.” I rolled my eyes and took my cocktail. The fact that management was serving drinks in plastic cups confirmed that this was clearly not the right party for me. But was I being a bougie bitch? Yes… Was I just having a bad day? Yes… But did that make me wrong? No!
I decided to walk around and try to loosen up and get in a festive mood. But that didn’t help, I felt out of place. I felt like I didn’t belong. I finished my cocktail and went to my friend, gave her a hug and told her that I wasn’t feeling well and took my black ass home. It’s strange, because that same party used to be fun for me. I used to be right in the middle of the dance floor partying it up, but this time it just didn’t feel right. I was out of place and I didn’t even try to stay and make the most of it.
While being back east for the holidays, I noticed that unlike the Los Angeles social scene the East Coasters are all about their luncheons and Galas. But that isn’t me either. I’m not in the mood to sit in a ballroom, eat tasteless rubber chicken, rice pilaf, and over steamed vegetables and talk the shit about bullshit and network. Nor am I ready to have to attend galas on the regular basis. Now don’t get me wrong, I can appreciate a good evening gown. But I wasn’t exactly into that life. Nor was I ready for that life. That life felt… old. I felt like I had a good decade and half before I traded in my Alice and Olivia sequin skirt for a St. John knit suit.
Lately, I haven’t been in the mood to go out and do all the things I used to do. I know I used to say to you all that I didn’t mind going out with my married friends and being the fifth wheel because it was nice being around people who were married. I told you all it was good to be around other couples and see what a good marriage looks like. Well… well… well… I am entitled to change my opinion. In recent months I have been enjoying going out with my other single girlfriends. Not because I am hating on my married friends. But I find I do not have to put on a fake face and pretend like all is well or try to get them to understand why I personally do not like to do online dating, why I am not open to dating outside my race, having to explain to them why I ended my last relationship, or even just the simple idea of being single and free. Sometimes when you are out and about as single women you want to show your ass, act a fool, and not have the eyes of marital judgement on you. Or even worse… you do not feel like having to make a married woman who doesn’t know you “comfortable” around you being near their husband due to their own insecurities and relationship issues. Or even worse… the idea of being around the married friend who thinks they know it all and starts trying to pick out guys for you to talk to you that you have NO interest in. It can be fucking exhausting! The married girlfriends I do spend time with are friends who are supportive, non-judgmental, and genuinely care about my well-being and aren’t just around to get a good “story.” However, I feel like there is something special that bonds single women together and we need to embrace that. We need to be honest with each other and supportive.
I realized that I am at a point in my life where the old single girl I used to be isn’t who I am now. The things I used to like to do no longer interest me. Even some of the people I used to hang out with I no longer have shit in common with them. There’s no beef but we are at different places in our lives. I realized I am a crossroads in my life. Some say this happens when you hit your 40’s. They say you no longer have time to deal with shit that no longer serves you. They say you no longer feel the need to be fake and deal with shit that doesn’t make you happy. There were certain friends that I no longer had anything in common with and instead of reaching out to hang with them, gossip, and force shit, I just made the decision to move on, no beef no drama we just no longer had any common interests. And it was totally fine, we like each other’s pictures on social media and every once in a while we will even comment on the pics. When we see each other at parties and events it’s all good and cordial. But I no longer felt the need to have a forced and pretend friendship.
A few months ago I left my six figure studio exec job to pursue my writing and my own projects full time. I was tired of making millions of dollars for the studios while putting my own passions on the back burner. I took this time to DO ME and really understand what it meant to LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE… unapologetically!
And that’s exactly what I did! I lived my best life over the summer. I travelled the world, finished my novel (can’t wait for you all to read it!), got a production deal, and even allowed myself to be vulnerable and go for it with a relationship, and was smart enough to end it when I saw serious red flags. But I allowed myself to be vulnerable and practice what I preached to you all for years on my blog. I spent time with my family. Not just your usual “blah” time but one on one time where we had some deep and meaningful conversations about life and family.
I guess you can say I am at a crossroads in life. I am at such a happy point in my life. I am finally living the life I always dreamed of and it feels do damn good to be authentically me.
But I still feel like I am in between two worlds. I am no longer person I was before and I am getting to the person I want to be. What does that mean when it comes to relationships and dating? What happens when you are in between those two worlds? How do you navigate? Does living your best life make you keenly aware of the bigger picture and your spirit no longer feels the need to do minute mediocre shit just for the sake of it? What does a single girl do when she is no longer part of the world she used to fit in with and isn’t quite sure of the world she is going into next?
And one day… while drinking my sparkling water it hit me… I do not have to figure it out. I can just be okay with being exactly where I am and who I am now. Single Girl Purgatory isn’t a bad thing… and it’s not a mid-life crisis. I think of it as the moment in life where you come face to face with your destiny and you can make two choices… one choice is to move forward and be comfortable with being content and the other choice is to step out on faith and decide to pursue your passion. It’s uncomfortable, it’s scary as hell. And you will find yourself stuck between who you were and who you are becoming. But it is so worth it. Embrace your Single Girl Purgatory, because ultimately it is your mid-life awakening. Choose wisely or else you will be stuck in a purgatory of unhappiness of your own choosing….