You Can’t Polish a Turd!

I had every intention of writing this super deep inspirational post today.  But it looks like I am going to have to save it for later because of pure FUCKERY.  This incident doesn’t even get to have the dignity of being called Foolery because it was that annoyingly ignorant!  And I wanted to write about it while I was still fuming and not in the mood for being politically correct or filtered.

As you all know, I had taken a dating sabbatical.  I was well aware I was in the midst of Single Girl Purgatory (read my previous post on what that is here: https://confessionsofaserialdaterinla.com/2019/01/28/single-girl-purgatory-4/) and I had decided to concentrate on dating myself for a while.  I really do try to practice what I preach.  I recognized after a few months of taking the time to regroup, renew, and refresh I needed to force myself to do what every single girl must continue to do until they meet the right guy… and that is be brave, vulnerable, open and get back in the dating saddle.  Rickie’s timing was perfect.  He reached out the week that I mentally decided to be open to dating again.  I had my time off, I made my lists and I was ready to give dating another try for the 1,926,546^th time.  URGH!!!!  Perhaps this time would be different.

Now Rickie was a blast from the past.  He was actually the first guy I went out with shortly after my divorce.  He had his own successful business, graduated from an HBCU (there is something about the comradery of HBCU Alumni.  Even if you didn’t go to the same school there is instant love and a familiarity that is priceless), and he lived in LA.  One of the things I became crystal clear on during my time off the dating scene was I wanted to date men who lived in LA.  No more long-distance relationships! (unless it was a situation that was impossible to turn down).  I know a lot of people who met their now husbands and the beginning of their relationship was long distance and eventually one of them made the decision to move.  Great for them!  I was also no longer comparing what worked for other people as a barometer of how to move forward with dating.  Yes, that might have worked for them.  But for me, long distance seemed more like a fantasy and was clearly not working for me.  Here’s why: when you see each other, you’re each at your best, and the time together is a fantasy.  All is roses and champagne because you are spending a very limited amount of time together.  You don’t get to see each other on the daily basis.  When you’re sick that person can’t bring you chicken noodle soup and tea, when you want to just have an unplanned passionate night, you are limited and have to hold off until the next scheduled visit (and hoping that restraint is being reciprocated by your significant long distance other).  You move at lightning speed and then it fizzles out because you are unable to spend the quality time together.  Or even worse, you end up together, one of you makes the big move and then boom!  You realize… you’re living with a stranger.  Who the hell is this person?  Not to mention, I realized a part of my consistent long distance dating  was a defense mechanism.  I could be in a relationship but on my own terms and not really have to have my life interrupted and intruded upon.  I had control of the situation.  I had been doing long distance dating for so long that I didn’t really know how to date locally!  There I go digressing!  All that to say, I was very clear, at this point in my life, I wanted to date someone who lived driving distance.

When Rickie reached out via text out of the blue, I was pleasantly surprised.

Rickie:  U are so beautiful.

I had no idea who this stranger was reaching out to me.  I had a text saved from this same number inviting me to a party at his house and I responded that I would try to make it.  This was over a year ago, but the contact was gone.  Don’t you hate when that shit happens!  So I texted him back and hoped and prayed that it wasn’t some ignorant fool I deleted.

Me:  Thanks!  I have a new phone and do not have this number.  Who is this? 

Rickie:  Rickie

I was relieved.

Me:  Rickie!  How are you?

Rickie:  Lock me in.

 Me:  Doing that now…. Long time since I have seen you.

I have mastered the art of the flirty text without seeming thirsty.  Trust and believe it has taken years of trial and error.

Rickie:  I’m good… U are still so beautiful.

If only he could have seen what I looked like as he was texting me.  I had on a full-on face mask, my head scarf, a tank top, leggings and my glasses.  Another thing about long distance, you can say you’re lounging in lingerie and the reality is, you are looking a hot ass mess.  But hey, flattery was my kryptonite.

Rickie:  We should do dinner soon.

That wasn’t a bad idea.  I looked back on things and the first time I went out with Rickie was too premature.  I was still in the midst of a shitty divorce and I wasn’t over my ex-husband.  I wasn’t even comfortable with dating yet.  To be honest, I can say it now, it took me a few years to get over my marriage ending.  It took longer than the time I was actually married.  And thinking back, I had no business attempting to date so soon after getting divorced.  I never understood how people were able to get remarried so quickly after a tumultuous divorce.  The emotional battle wounds take time to mend and it doesn’t mend any faster jumping into another relationship.  Also, being completely honest, I wasn’t really into Rickie.  If I remembered correctly, when we first went out he told me he was getting out of a long term 6 year+ relationship that was on and off.  I ran into him a few years later and he was back with that same “on again off again”.  At this point they were doing that song and dance for a damn decade!  A decade of a relationship that didn’t have an engagement or a marriage?  Where are these women who are willing to date a man for that amount of time?  Whoever this woman was, she gave Rickie her entire 30’s!  Giving a man your good years is just plain silly.  But then again, here I was divorced.  So clearly there isn’t a hard and fast rule.   I was willing and happy to give Rickie another shot now that I was in such a great place.  And maybe he was also in a different space as well.

Me:  We should.  I’m in NYC and I don’t get back until next week. 

Rickie:  Let’s link up when you return.  Safe travels.

Me:  Absolutely.  It will be great to see you and catch up.

I made it a point to text that because I didn’t want him to think I was blowing him off.  I wanted to let him know, I did want to see him.  I returned from New York the next week and was busy shooting, writing, and working on deadlines and the week came and went.  Once again, I want to practice what I preach to you all.  We make time for what we want.  And you’re also not going to meet your prince charming sitting in the house unless you have a crush on your UPS or Fed Ex Delivery guy and even then, not all packages need signatures and can be left at the front door.  I gave Rickie a text the Monday of the following week.

Me: Good morning!  I hope you had a great Easter.  I’m actually in town for a change.  Would still love to link up.

Rickie:  Good morning Monique.  Happy Easter to you as well.  Would love to see u this week, Friday or Saturday is good for me.  What day is good for you?

Rickie was off to a great start.  My weeks were so hectic.  My shooting schedule varies from week to week.  I have friends I haven’t seen in months because of my writing, shooting and all the things I have going on.  I appreciated that he was planning ahead for the weekend.

Me:  Saturday evening works for me.

 Rickie:  Sounds good!

 I love the good use of an explanation mark!  LOL!

Me:  Looking forward to seeing you.

 Rickie:  Me too… let’s put out heads together and find something fun to get into.

 Me:  Sounds good!

Getting back into the dating game was like riding a bike.  Once you learn, you never forget.  Now let’s be clear.  I wasn’t about to plan the date.  I leave that up to the guy.  That tells you a lot about him.  The way he goes about planning, what he decides to do, where he decides to go, is very telling.  My week was hectic as hell.  However when Friday afternoon crept up I still hadn’t heard from Rickie.  I was not about to reach out.  We made definitive plans and I knew after all the back and forth text that Rickie initiated, he was planning something fun.  I had even turned down other plans for Saturday since I had already committed to going out with Rickie.  I wasn’t super-duper excited about the date.  You know there are times when you are going out with a guy who you are really vibing with and you’re all giddy and excited.  I was still on the fence as it pertained to Rickie.   I’m not sure if it was because I had been on a dating sabbatical for a few months and just was feeling a little amateur.  Or maybe I was so used to long distance dating where you spend so much time on the phone that not speaking to someone prior to going out on a date was a foreign concept to me.  Either way, I figured the date would let me know if Rickie was getting another date or if I would permanently place him into the friend category.  I was going with the flow and didn’t have ANY expectations.

Friday night came and went… no word from Rickie…  That was odd.  Normally, don’t men confirm the date the day before. So when the sun rose on Saturday morning and I still had no word from Rickie I went about my day.  I went to the gym, went grocery shopping, and once I got home and put on my leggings, tank top, and head scarf I was fully aware that I would not be going out with Rickie.  The question remained, how deep in shit would Rickie put himself in.  I decided the following…

• If Rickie reached out before 5pm I would text him back and let him know when I didn’t hear from him I assumed he made other plans.
• If Rickie reached out after 5pm… I was GHOSTING. DONE!  He didn’t deserve a response.

Luckily, I was on the fence with him so I wasn’t upset.  I was just annoyed.  And isn’t fun when a man fucks up and you are very clear you will not be giving him another chance to see how deep he is going to sink into the shit?  I was curious to see how this Rickie thing concluded.  At 10:07 pm I finally got a text from Rickie…

Rickie:  Hey Babe.  I apologize, I ended up going to Vegas last minute.  Let’s talk when I get back.  So sorry.  (picture of a sad puppy dog).

Are you fucking kidding me?!!!!!  This had to be a fucking joke.  Let’s dissect his ignorant text…

“Hey babe.”- Babe?  What the fuck of all fucks???!!!!  “Babe”?  I don’t know this fool well enough for him to call me Babe.  We don’t have that level of closeness.  I was offended he even thought he could start a text to ME  like that.  It felt so demeaning.  It felt cheap and low budget.  BABE?!

“I apologize, I ended up going to Vegas last minute.”-  Mofo, we live in LA that is a 40-minute flight.  You mean to tell me you didn’t have the common courtesy or decency to reach out before then?  I could have made other plans!  How dare you treat ME  like an afterthought.  Who did he think he was?  Time is the one thing in life you never get back!

“Let’s talk when I get back.”-  What woman in her right mind would talk to him after pulling a stunt like this?  Talk?  Did he think he would ever get the privilege of hearing my voice?!  Was he so used to being in an on again- off again relationship that he didn’t have the ability to be a real man and properly date?  Did the woman he was with for over a decade let him slide on shit like this so he thought it was okay and normal?

“So sorry.”-  We agreed there.  He was sorry… and tired!

“Puppy Dog Picture”-  Did he think this was cute?  Even dogs with those cute puppy eyes still took shits and guess what, their shit still stunk.

I didn’t even give Rickie the privilege of a response.  I was done.  I am done.  He missed his shot and would not have the opportunity to take another one.  I am a pretty forgiving person (given the day).  But one thing I can never forgive or give someone a pass on is taking advantage of my time and even worse, treating me as an afterthought!

I started thinking, were there women out there who would give him a chance?  Did he think because he was successful, college educated, owned a business, and a home that he was an endangered species and he could show his ass and women would accept it because in his mind there was a black male shortage?!  A turd is still a turd!

Ladies, especially ladies in the 35+ category, it is imperative that you do not let your loneliness and lack of having a relationship allow shit like this to slide.  When you do, you’re not just doing yourself a disservice.  You’re actually fucking it up for the rest of us!  When you allow men to not be accountable for their actions and let them shit on you, you make dumb asses like Rickie think that sending a stupid ass text is all he needs to do to make things right.  PLEASE STOP MESSING IT UP FOR THE REST OF US!  I’ve concluded that men do dumb shit for a variety of reasons.  But reason #1 is because women have allowed them to get away with it so they think every woman is the same and will be okay.  Some men actually think women of a particular age will accept anything because “A good man is hard to find…”  The devil is a LIAR!  There are good men out there.  But if you accept anything, whether it is being in a decade long relationship without a real commitment, accepting tired ass excuses, allowing yourself to be an afterthought and not priority, not expecting a man to step to you on the level you deserve out of fear that you are getting older and you should just accept the crumbs he’s giving out, then you only have yourself to blame!

I believe there are plenty of good men out there but we CANNOT waste our time dealing with men who have already proven they are ignorant buffoons!  That time wasted on them can be spent getting to know yourself and allowing yourself to be open for the right man.  As for Rickie, I am sure he will return to his good ole’ faithful on again-off again.  But as for this woman… it’s a wrap.  Even when you wrap shit up in a little blue Tiffany box with a bow, when you open it, you still know it’s shit.  You can’t polish a turd!  Rickie is and will always be a turd for someone else to put in a box, wrap up, and try to make it pretty although it smells like shit!