Delusions of Dating Grandeur

On April 26^th, 2019 it happened… the day a lot of single ladies’ lives changed forever.  Idris Elba got married!  And I suspect there were a lot of conflicting feelings because his new wife, Sabrina is stunning, classy, and they look so happy together.  So you really can’t hate on it.  I know this may come as a shocker AND I might lose some readers for making this statement, but I have never really been an Idris fan so I was cool.  Don’t get me wrong… yes, he’s a handsome man and sexy as all hell.  But I was just never as goo-goo gaga over him as a majority of most women on the planet.  I was just happy to see he had taste when selecting his bride to be.  This level of mourning in Singledom probably hasn’t occurred in five years since George Clooney married Amal on September 27^th, 2014. Both men, handsome bachelor’s that women (married and single) drooled over and they picked their brides wisely.  Seriously, Amal Clooney is the epitome of the kind of woman you want a man to marry.  She’s not the typical Hollywood bimbo. She is a woman who has had major accomplishments in her own right and certainly didn’t need the marriage to George to validate her.  They both enhanced each other as a couple.  Same for Idris, he didn’t marry a video ho.  He married a class act.

This led me to wonder… why such the devastation, ladies?  I scrolled through my social media posts and some women were actually hating on Sabrina!  Most of these were assumption based on quick interactions where they said she was stand offish or the fact that there is a significant age difference.  And some even made the comment that this was his third marriage and doubted it would last.  I was dumbfounded by how people are so damn negative all because a man that they hardly knew, got married.  I realized women do live in a delusional world.

And it hit me… it starts in our teenage years.  As teenagers we started our heartthrob days young.  I know I wasn’t the only person that had pictures of Malcolm Jamal Warner from Teen Beat, Michael Jordan making one of his famous dunks.  And I know I am about to get clowned… but I also had pictures of Larry Johnson (yes with the gold tooth), Taimak from The Last Dragon (shirtless and all), Billie Dee Williams and Harry Belafonte, and of course Al B. Sure AND Christopher Williams.  I always had a wide array of taste in men and I still do… My goodness somethings never change!  These posters were thumb nailed to my bedroom wall as a teenager much to my mother’s dismay.  I can still hear her voice,  “Damn it!  Stop putting holes in my walls USE TAPE!”  We start fantasizing about the guys we are attracted to at a young age.  And that is natural and healthy.  But at what point does your fantasy turn into you being completely delusional and you  hate on a marriage simply because you wish it was you?

As we get older and go through the ups and downs of dating, the disappointments, the hope, I think some women start narrowing in on celebrity men.  Instead of putting pictures up of your crush on your wall with thumbnails like you did with your teen heart throbs, you create vision boards with their pictures on it.  Guuuuuurrrrrrrrllllll I know how you do.  You disguise your delusion in the form of being “spiritual” and manifesting your destiny and calling it a vision board.  Girl please!!!!  You ain’t fooling me!  LOL!  It’s almost as though the inner teenager in you takes over your mind and provides false hope.  You think, “If (Insert celeb male) met me sparks would fly and we would end up together… I just need to meet him.  Once he sees me he will fall for me!”  This doesn’t just pertain to us single ladies.  Our married girlfriends can be just as bad!  The longer they are in an unhappy marriage or they happen to be having a valley moment in their marriage they have an unrealistic view of what the dating world entails and think that if they got divorced it would be easier and they could be open to the possibility of meeting their celeb crush.  Or even worse they perpetuate this falsehood on their single girlfriends, “You know Idris Elba is single, you’re smart, beautiful, successful, we need to find out where he is so you can meet him.”  Lawd have mercy Delusion is a dangerous disease!

And you want to know how I know?  I have done the same damn thing!!!  Yes ladies… and nosey men.  I have had moment of delusion myself.  I admit it!!! I have always said that I never want my blog or advice to seem like I am lecturing you.  A lot of the shit I tell you and talk about is because I have had to learn the lesson myself in order to help you!  There I go digressing.   I will NOT fess up to who my celebrity crush was.  I can’t be that exposed!  Although I am not head over heels over Idris Elba there was a time when I had a HUGE crush on a very good looking, single, successful celeb.  And like a lot of single women of a particular age… I created my vision board and trust and believe he was on there.  I figured if I met a man that had the same level of sexy that would be great.  But then another part of me (the delusional part) honestly thought, he’s single.  If I ever met him  I could use my charm and who knows what the future would hold.  I cannot believe I am actually putting myself on blast like this.  My point was, I had a celebrity crush too.

Then it happened!  Every year me and my bestie head overseas for our annual girls trip.  Our goal… hit every single European party beach town.  That year was my big 4-0 so we decided to really do it up and go to the ultimate party beach town… Mykonos.  This piece of paradise far exceeded my expectations.  And we partied like we were back in our 20’s when we used to take our annual girls trip to Miami.  After eating and drinking our way through Greece (Athens, Santorini, and Mykonos) by the time we were on our 14-hour flight back to the US we were spent.  Thank goodness for the flatbeds and champagne on Delta one.  At least we could sleep off all the cocktails we consumed during our vacation.   We had a layover at JFK.  Now I have a rule… you have to look cute and stylish yet comfortable when flying.  You will never see me wearing a sweat suit.  But you also won’t see me wearing heals for a long flight.  Especially an international flight.  I looked cute when I left Mykonos for our first layover in Athens.  But after a 14-hour flight from Athens to JFK even Delta One and lip gloss couldn’t hide my utter exhaustion.  When me and my bestie headed to our gate we were exhausted and ready for the additional 5 ½ -hour flight from JFK to LA and couldn’t wait to get home and sleep in our own beds.  Vacations are awesome, but there always comes a point when you are ready to get your ass home.  We were waiting for the gate to open and I glanced over to my right.  And there he was… my celebrity crush… all 6’8 of him looking better in person than he did in pictures.  My heart jumped.  I got a lump in my throat.  Damn it!  Damn it!  Damn it!  The irony!  I looked like shit.  I was tired, my hair looked like week-old vacation hair slicked back, my cute outfit was wrinkled as hell at this point since I had put the bed flat for the long ass flight from Athens to JFK.  “Really God?!  I only cheated once for lent… Am I still being punished!”  I thought to myself.  I discreetly texted my friend who was standing next to me put looking in the opposite direction.

Bish… look to your right.  (my celeb crush) is here!  And don’t be fucking obvious!!!!

Her phone dinged, and she turned around (not discreetly at all) and saw him.  I swear this could have been an episode of I Love Lucy!  We were always getting into something.  She texted me back.

This is fate!

Fate my ass.  Unlike me, my bestie always had the ability to see the good in any situation. We boarded the flight.  He was sitting right in front of me!  The other passengers were all friendly.  We were talking it up.  And of course the guy you’re not interested in always ends up being the one flirting with you the most.  I was thinking to myself “I don’t want you!  I want him!  Please strike up convo!!!”  Even one of the other passengers whispered to me, “You know (celeb crush) is single, you’re beautiful, you two would be great together.”  I thought, “I know!”  But my celeb crush didn’t look in my direction.  He didn’t even give the “black folk” head nod.  NOTHING!  And I am never one to chase a man.  I don’t give a shit who you are.  I am old school.  If a man is interested he will make conversation even if he is a celeb.  Hell… I’m a celeb in my own mind.  LOL!  I ended up falling asleep after dinner was served.  Woke up prior to the flight landing and put on lip gloss, mascara, and tried to smooth my hair out…. Just in case.  We deplaned and my celeb crush walked off and my ego was deflated.  This wasn’t the interaction I had in mind!  I wanted to scream, “Wait come back!  You’re on my vision board!  Let’s meet again when I am fully snatched and dressed up and not after a 14-hour flight!”  You would have thought this was my man and he broke up with me at the airport.  My bestie must have sensed my disappointment and she had a way of speaking my language to cheer me up, “He was so damn arrogant!  He couldn’t even say hello?!  Fuck him!”  A true bestie!  Don’t you love how your girls will immediately turn on someone if they fucked you over?!  Even when they really hadn’t.

The next morning I was in an induced jet lag state.  But before I unpacked my bags and got back to normal post vacation life.  Or as my mother calls it, re-entering the sphere of gravity.   I went into my meditation room, took out my most recent vision board.  There was my celeb crush smack dab in the middle.  Although I now called it a vision board it was no different than when I used to have my the teen crushes up in my room as a teenager.  The title was different but the sentiment was the same.  Only now I was a few decades older.  I took a deep breath and ripped him off the middle of the board.  Not all women will have that moment to get snapped back into reality like I did and meet and get ignored by their celebrity crush!  But it was a lesson for me.

It is possible for us to live in a world of delusion even as adults.  We set up scenarios in our own minds about what would happen if we met our dream man or celeb crush.  And for some women it is almost to their determent because they will actually turn down a potential great guy because they are living in a delusion of the BBD (bigger better deal).  They always think they can meet their adult crush…  all they had to do was be at the right place, at the right time and boom the single George or Idris would lock eyes with them and fall in love.  And then Sabrina and Amal come along and knocked your ass back into reality.

It’s the new version of the modern-day fairy tale.  We single ladies, even us successful, independent, strong willed ladies are looking for our modern-day Prince Charming to come with the perfect red bottom “So Kate” Louboutin that fits perfectly and doesn’t pinch your feet, a great credit score, who is loving and wanting that Agape love.  And that’s fine.  That’s what keeps us going when we are single.  The possibility and the hope that “he” is out there.  The “he” that is perfect for you.  I am not saying you shouldn’t have a type or dream of the wonderful man that is going to manifest in your life.  That is healthy.  But it is just as important to recognize when our inner teenager is taking over our grown ass thought process and come to terms with who you are now, in this very moment and know the difference between being hopeful that you meet the man who is right for you versus the delusional life.  There comes a time when you have readjust that vision board and understand when your Delusions of Grandeur has altered your reality and return to planet earth.