Single Survival During The Corona- Part Five
The Single Ladies of Quarantine
July…. Fucking JULY!!!! If Governor Newsom wasn’t so damn fine, I would have probably thrown my shoe at the TV screen when it was announced that quarantine has been extended from Mid-May to July; which we all know really means August. Our mid-May quarantine parole has been denied and we are on extended lockdown! While the intellectual side of me knows and appreciates this is for our safety and I damn sure I don’t want any of these other fools from these open states coming to our beautiful, healthy, safe state and spreading their COVID germs. The childish side of me wants to throw a temper tantrum, stomp my feet, cross my arms and scream, “This isn’t fair!” The impatient, social butterfly, extrovert 42 year old side of me wants to scream, “This is some bullshit!!!” I have been positive and all that shit. But this is just some next level fuckery none of us were prepared for. And I get it, I am not trying to go out to a restaurant wearing a face mask having to lift it up every time I put a fork to my mouth or a drink to my lips. That’s not living either. And to be honest: I am enjoying this fresh air, no traffic on the freeways, and this slower pace of life. But my goodness. JULY?!!!!
And for my members of Singledom this was a curve ball that hit you right in the head. Years ago I had a debate with a friend of mine. She was getting married and she and her now husband chose to abstain from pre-marital sex until their wedding night. Now mind you, this was after they dated for 4 years and were fornicating left and right. They were getting it in! But then they got engaged and suddenly wanted to do shit the “right” way. And not only that, she began to judge everyone around her who chose not to follow the same path. Did I mention this was her second marriage?! Typical of folks who get marital amnesia. I was there when she was hoeing around for over decade. But all of a sudden she was Mother Theresa. However, I explained to her that it is much easier to abstain when you have a solid tangible end date vs. when you have no end date in sight. When you are single and dating, it is harder to make that decision because you could end up going for 1 year or 10 years. Girl bye! Ain’t nobody got time for that. There I go digressing. My point is with this extension of quarantine it can send members of Singledom into a tailspin.
I had this entire “roses and rainbows” positivity post I was preparing, but when fine ass Governor Newsom extended our quarantine, I couldn’t hit you all with some Pollyanna bullshit. I think it is safe to say we are OVER IT!!!!
And you know it is my honor, my duty, my purpose in life to keep shit real. I broke down the Corona Creepers in my blog post a few weeks ago. But let’s explore the Single Ladies of Quarantine. I think it’s important for you to know you’re not alone. And I write this from a place of love, not judgement.
The Quarantine Virtual Happy Hour Queen
AKA- The Quarantine Lush
Let’s be real. The amount of alcohol that has been consumed since lockdown is next level. We dress it up and put a bow on it and call it a “virtual happy hour.” And we all know that’s to make us feel better that we are drinking like fishes. And for some of us this is no different than before The Rona but now we have an excuse for our wino behavior. We can blame it on quarantine. We can blame it on a pandemic… Wait, why are all of you looking at me as I write this?! LOL! Yeah. I’ll admit it. I am a quarantine lush! I put on big sunglasses, a face mask, a hoody with my head covered every single time I take my recyclables out. Surely, I can’t let my neighbors know that I am consuming cases of wine on the regular bases. But it’s quarantine! We’re in the idle of a pandemic! And at the end of the day, we gotta do what we gotta do. Do you realize how many of your colleagues are on zoom meetings FUCKED all the way up? Do you realize how many of your girlfriends are struggling to at least wait until 5pm to have a cocktail? A friend of mine texted me this morning, “Is it ever okay to have a mimosa on a Monday morning?”
My response… It’s okay on these occasions:
- Your birthday
- During a global fucking pandemic where quarantine has now been extended to July! Fucking JULY!!!
This is not normal times my friends. Although we have been good sports, this shit is traumatic. I’m not encouraging alcoholism. But I am encouraging you to do what you need to do to get through this. If you want a glass of wine… Pop that cork, you’re not driving anywhere. If you want a martini… shake it up, you can dance on your own table. If you want a margarita… get your salt and lime ready. We are in survival mode. And guess what? It’s okay if you decide to have a cocktail and it’s not during a virtual happy hour. It’s o-fucking-kay! You don’t have to disguise your love for the spirits by creating a zoom call. Do you boo!
The Quarantine Chef
AKA- The Overeater
One of the many things that singles are enjoying in quarantine is all of those wonderful recipes that they get to try. Whether it’s your grandmother’s gumbo, your auntie’s banana bread, a special dipping sauce. We have the time to explore our kitchens in a way that we never have before. We no longer get to meet up for dinner with friends and sit at the restaurant for hours and shoot the shit. So instead, the grocery store has become our only way of socializing with other humans. Am I the only person who looks at my grocery bills like “What the fuck?!” I live alone, so why is my bill constantly over $250?! Oh well… I acknowledge 25% of that bill is wine. After all, if you get 6 bottles at Ralph’s you get 30% off. But seriously, I have never spent this much money on groceries! And let’s be honest with each other. I’m not just cooking my grandmother’s gumbo or my mother’s carrot cake. I’m devouring Kettle Jalapeño chips like it is the vaccine for the Rona. I’m eating pasta. I even had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I haven’t had a PBJ since I was a teenager. I doesn’t make sense. Here’s the difference when you’re single during this state. You are making these fabulous recipes and you’re eating for one. Most folks who have husbands and kids can spread the love and they have an entire family to feed. But for singles the love is spreading to our bellies and our hips. But somehow, posting pictures of the success of these delicious recipes eases the reality that we have become fucking pigs! As I write this blog I am eating chips! I never used to keep bread, pasta, chips, and sweets in my house. But now I am justifying this fuckery because I am in a state of trauma. I have to side eye myself. Here’s the one piece of advice I have to give my “Quarantine Chef’s” make sure you wear a pair of jeans twice a week. This will help you gauge if you have gone completely off the charts. Leggings will give you a false sense of confidence! LOL!
The Quarantine Workout Fanatic
AKA- The Guilt Maker
This is the one that gets on my last nerve! The workout fanatic. Not because they are working out, that’s a good thing. I work out every single day. But here’s the difference. This is the person who makes others feel like shit because they choose to eat, drink and be merry. They make it a point to let you know if you aren’t working out every single day you are a piece of shit and they are a God of all Gods because they workout. They constantly put you down for eating carbs. They show off their perfect planks, burpees, and mountain climbers. They post mileage they ran and challenge you to beat them. They make you feel like shit because you haven’t gotten on your Peloton. And you typically come across their post as you are devouring one of your calorie filled meals and have attempted to zip up a pair of jeans and realize you officially have a muffin top. And if your honest with yourself they work your last nerve because you already feel guilty that you aren’t working out and you know you should. There is a difference between motivation and showing off and talking down to people. The Quarantine Workout Fanatic tends to talk down to folks. And the fanatical workouts are also just as much a response to trauma as someone who chooses to eat or drink in excess. There is a such thing as over working out! You have seen those folks. Their skin is dried out, their face a gaunt, and they look too damn skinny! When you are ready to start working out you will know and it will be on your own terms!
The Quarantine Complainer
We know this shit sucks. We know this isn’t how we planned to spend Cinco De Mayo, weekends, the summer, birthdays, etc. This shit sucks. But we don’t need to keep hearing about how much the shit sucks. It’s not helping matters. Look at the class of 2020. They got FUCKED! Especially high school seniors… no prom, no graduation. College graduates didn’t get to enjoy their senior week, did not have a real graduation. For some they might have been the first in their family to ever graduate and they get stuck with virtual graduations. That’s some bullshit! Yet these young folks ain’t complaining. They are making the best of a fucked situation. My bestie had a milestone birthday and we had to celebrate it standing six feet apart. But she made the most of it.
Quarantine sucks! And it really sucks when you’re single and alone. And I fully support talking it out. You have to get those feelings out because it really is some bullshit. But there comes a point when your complaining is only going to make thing worse for you. We get this wasn’t the way we were supposed to date. But we gotta make the best of it.
We get there are a lot of losers on these dating apps! But let’s keep it real, you can’t blame quarantine for all of this shit. Your ass was having dating issues and complaining before the Rona, but now you just have another excuse to use. Acknowledge that you might not only be a Quarantine Complainer you might just be a fucking professional complainer! The first part of fixing a problem is acknowledging you have a problem. If you recognize that you are a complainer pre-social distancing and during quarantine. NOW is the time for you to do something about it. I want you to wake up each day and write down 5 things you grateful for. It can be small things.
- I am grateful I got a full night’s sleep
- I am grateful my pants fit.
- I am grateful my internet connection is strong
- I am grateful I was able to do my own nails.
- I am grateful I have a good group of friends
Then you’ll notice things will get deeper:
- I am grateful for my health
- I am grateful I have a job
- I am grateful for the blessing of family
- I am grateful to be able to breathe freely
- I am grateful for abundance
I promise you, once you change the narrative it will change your trajectory. This will ensure that post quarantine you will be someone enjoyable to be around and you will attract a different energy in men.
The Quarantine Romantic
The silver lining about this entire situation is relationships are actually being formed. People are meeting and having real connections. I’ve talked about this in previous posts, but while there are a lot of fools on these dating apps there are also a lot of great guys. Because here’s the thing, that’s really one of the few ways to meet people right now. So people who aren’t normally on these apps or dating websites are taking a chance. And it’s a good thing because the odds are in your favor. Also, there are guys who are shooting their shots. They have been crushing on you, they have nothing to lose and they are going for it! And you are giving it a chance. You are realizing there are some great guys out there. You’re spending hours and hours on the phone. You’re FaceTiming. You’re having virtually dates. And you’re connecting with a man’s mind, heat, and soul. How exciting is that! I want you to enjoy this! I don’t want you to wait for the other shoe to drop. This could be the beginning of something wonderful and I want you to realize it and enjoy it. Finding love during a pandemic! What a wonderful story. Prior to the announcement that quarantine was being extended to July I would have told you to hold out having any interactions until Mid-May when we were originally supposed to return to normal. But that just isn’t realistic. It’s been 9 freaking weeks! So perhaps you meet in public for a social distancing date. You put on your mask and gloves and take a walk around a quiet neighborhood. Perhaps you go on a bike ride. Maybe you pick up food from your favorite spot and you eat 6 feet apart. KEEP ON YOU MASK. If you can wait… wait. But I know if you have been connecting with someone since March and speaking consistently, there is no way in hell a majority of you are going to wait until July to see each other, But continue to build up the anticipation. It is a SOCIAL DISTANCING DATE!
The Quarantine Black Sheep
AKA- The Rule Breaker
While we have the Quarantine Romantic we also have the Quarantine Black Sheep! For a lot of singles you have already slipped up! Your horny asses couldn’t wait a few weeks to build up the anticipation and connect with someone on an emotional and mental level before getting physical. A lot of y’all said, “Fuck it! I’m horny, I need to get some and I am going to hope and pray this mofo don’t give be the Rona.” Now I tried to warn you against it. I told you all about the Corona Creepers. I explained why it is better to wait it. But nooooooo y’all just don’t listen! Here’s why it’s an issue in the long run. You have already set the precedent for the relationship. You have already set yourself up to be in a Situationship before shit even had a chance to begin. Now let me back up… if all you were looking for was to have sex to take the edge off and you weren’t looking for a relationship, feel free to skip this section. But if you were connecting with someone and already fucked them by now you have set the bar low. This man has had your most valuable possession without EARNING it. No real dates, no spending of money, no taking time to get to know you. All he had to do was spend a few hours on the phone telling you what you wanted to hear, FaceTime you a few times, possibly send you flowers, and poof… you are rolling around in the bed with him and he hasn’t done shit! But you can’t unscramble eggs. It is what it is. So what do you do now? Is there anything you can do to change the trajectory of this situation where you don’t just become a quarantine hookup? Can I be honest? No! If you were looking for a relationship. All you can do at his point is hope and pray that when life gets back to normal he puts in the effort to court you. That is the chance you take when you go there. And he very well might, come through. You could switch up your tactic and not sleep with him again until we are out of lockdown. But it’s similar to having a one night stand, we all hear these stories of people who slept with their now husbands on the first night and they are now happily married. But ladies, that is an anomaly and we have to stop fooling ourselves into thinking that could happen to you. Here’s the problem, the guy isn’t the one who usually freaks out. It’s the woman. You freak out because you know you slept with someone too damn soon and now you panic and start acting strange. So the cool chic this man met during the quarantine is now, uptight, trying to explain their actions, and quite frankly you become a pain in the ass and turn him off. All because your ass couldn’t wait. Again, this could turn into one of those one offs where you end up in a long term relationship. Or it becomes a lesson. We’re at an age where we have ability and intellect to use our better judgment if we are indeed looking for something more than just a booty call situation. Nuff said!
The Quarantine Socialite
AKA- Social Media Addict
Social media usage is up by 40% during this time. Why? Folks are BORED. We have seen the singles who are posting thirst trap pictures on the regular bases. We have seen singles oversharing. If I see one more Facebook Live with 5 people in it I think I am going to scream. Not everyone is DNice! He made the shit work. I’m not hating on your hustle but stay in your fucking lane. Let’s not even start to talk about the folks who think they are deep and posting all these deep quotes. If you are in the middle of a break up- stay off social media. Social media isn’t your friend. Social media isn’t the place to write your deepest thoughts, use that for your journal. Don’t go to your exes page or his new girlfriend’s page. It is not going to make you feel better. You will find yourself in constant comparison mode. We do not need to see everything you are up to. And on top of that, clean up your home. I have seen folks posting TikTok and you look in the background of their homes and it is a hot ass mess. No man wants to get with a woman who has a nasty ass house and vice versa. Be aware of how much time you are spending on social media either following others or oversharing!!!
The Quarantine Back Peddler
AKA- Return of The Random
He was a fool prior to social distancing, he is a fool during quarantine, and he is going to be a bigger fool post quarantine. Do not spend this valuable time of reflection, reset, reevaluation to let a fool back into your life. You are being USED!!!! Do not allow yourself to be used and then discarded one life goes back to normal. You have come too far. Do not allow the return of the random back into your life! He is an ex-boyfriend/situationship for a reason. Use this time to work on you or find someone new!
The Quarantine Serial Dater
For a lot of singles, they are open to a brand new world. For years they have been focused on work, travelling, hanging out with friends. And suddenly they are in new stratosphere of dating. They are meeting people left and right! Either through dating apps, dating websites, social media, through friends, or reconnecting with people from high school and college. They are having a good time. They are talking to Tom, Dick, Harry, Tre, Jerome, Darnell, etc. They are having virtual date after virtual date. And guess what? That’s is o-fucking-kay! Enjoy it! Enjoy doing you and meeting new and exciting people. Who knows what the future holds? But not everyone is looking to get boo’d up. Some folks just want to chit chat on the phone, FaceTime and have a little companionship. Not everyone is looking for love. Not everyone is looking for a relationship. Do whatever makes you happy. You do not have to explain to anyone your choice to be single! You do not have to justify why you might not like to use dating apps or why you do. You do not have to tell everyone YOUR business. If you want to enjoy being a Quarantine Serial Dater. Then damn it. Do you boo! There is nothing wrong with that
There isn’t a rule book on how to be single during a pandemic. The general consensus is you MUST get through each day however, you choose. You must forge your own path and do what makes you happy. You have to be kind to yourself. We didn’t predict this, we didn’t plan this. But we can make the most of this. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck! It doesn’t mean that this shit is strange and awkward. But what I know is we are going to get through it. I always said, being single is brave, you are constantly putting yourself out there. You are gambling with you feelings and emotions on the regular basis. And right now, it is heightened. I want you to know you are NOT alone. And there is no right or wrong answer. But like singles have always done; we adjust, we adapt, and we make the best of the situation. That’s the very fiber of being single! We got this!!!!