Self Discovery – Page 6 – Confessions of a Serial Dater in LA

A Speedy Recovery….

April 26, 2013/5 Comments/in Dating After Divorce, Dating Lessons, Self Discovery /by Monique K

Against my better judgment I decided to go to a Speed Dating event the other night. It was for charity and I figured it would be a great opportunity for research.

Against my better judgment I decided to go to a Speed Dating event the other night. It was for charity and I figured it would be a great opportunity for research. I had pre-paid $35 dollars two weeks ago. To be honest, had I not paid for it in advance I would have gladly stayed my black ass home and relaxed with a glass of wine and watched some Real Housewives of Atlanta re-runs. But I wasn’t about to flush my hard earned money down the toilet. I must admit, a part of me felt like going speed dating was the ultimate sign of desperation. I mean is this what my dating life had become? But I gave myself a pep talk. I thought, I have nothing to lose I am going to be open to new possibilities. And on top of that it is for a good cause. 100% of the proceeds went to a local charity. Why not? Then I thought back to those times when I hesitated going to events and ended up having the time of my life. For all I knew my future husband could have been there. I had no idea of the concept of speed dating or how the shit worked. So last night I found myself in my car in my cute red dress headed over to the W Westwood for this speed dating experience. I walked in and realized I was the first participant to arrive outside of the organizers of the event. Oh shit, I felt super duper pressed at that point. The event organizers had the warmest smiles on their faces and since I was the first person to arrive I decided to take that opportunity to pick their brains and get the Tea. So I leaned over and asked them:

Me: So what’s the deal? Are there going to be any good men at this thing?

Event Organizers: Well… they are a little hesitant.

Me: Sooo… what does that mean?

Event Organizer: Well, we aren’t exactly sure about who will be coming.

Me: How many men signed up for this?

Event Organizer: None.

My inner diva screamed, “What the fuck?! Why didn’t these people cancel this event? Instead I said calmly:

Me: Are you serious?

Event Organizer: I think some may show up let’s wait and see what happens.

I figured I might as well enjoy a nice glass of Rioja wine while I waited to calm my nerves. And slowly but surely other hopeful women started to stroll in. The consensus was What the hell? And the other consensus was that dating in LA was a bitch! This confirmed it. So an hour later the event organizer came up to the 8 ladies that showed up for this now ratchet event and said one guy showed up. When he walked in low and behold it was a guy I already knew and was just friends with. I said hello and kept it moving and got the fuck out of there. What a hot mess. I made the executive decision that Speed Dating was certainly not for me and I would never subject myself to that Tom Foolery ever again research or not!

So an hour later the event organizer came up to the 8 ladies that showed up for this now ratchet event and said one guy showed up.

The next day I had a dinner meeting with one of my clients turned girlfriend. She always picked the best restaurants. Ironically I was actually on time. Normally I was always running late (a trait I am making a conscious effort to correct). It had been a long week and I was looking forward to relaxing and having a glass of wine and pigging out on some great food. She picked the latest hot spot, Rivabella. The weather was warming up in LA and after the week I had I decided to lift my spirits up by wearing all white. (East coast folks don’t judge me, I don’t believe in the White after Memorial Day Rules). After all sometimes your wardrobe can change your entire perspective. I was feeling more like myself and had returned to the land of the living after my dating depression. When I walked into the restaurant my friend was sitting at the bar talking to a gentleman. I only saw him from behind until I walked up to her and gave her a hug. As I hugged her and looked over her shoulder, there sat a HANDSOME brotha. His skin was the coloring of a Hershey Kiss. It was smooth like butter. His suit was obviously custom and he had a build of a football player. She sat down and introduced me to “Ron.” Wow! He was very… and I hate to say this… but I can’t think of another word, articulate. I hate when people call me articulate. I’m like really? I’m an educated woman shouldn’t I be? Anyways I digressed. After she made the introductions she said, “I’m finishing up a meeting and I know how you are always late. We are almost done so you can either sit here and wait or wait for me at the table.”

As I sat there my inner diva started smacking the shit out of me, “What the fuck are you doing?! There is a fine ass man sitting with your friend who didn’t have a wedding band on. Why are you sitting here instead of talking to him?! Get your ass up and go to the bar!!!!” And then I realized my inner diva was actually right for a change.

Just as I was about to tell her I would have a seat the hostess came up to me and asked me to follow her to the table. So I went to our table ordered a glass of wine and waited for my friend to finish her meeting with “Ron.” As I sat there my inner diva started smacking the shit out of me, “What the fuck are you doing?! There is a fine ass man sitting with your friend who didn’t have a wedding band on. Why are you sitting here instead of talking to him?! Get your ass up and go to the bar!!!!” And then I realized my inner diva was actually right for a change. So I motioned for the waiter to bring me my bill and I walked back over to the bar. Ironically there was an empty seat next to them. My friend gave me a smile and a wink. She was happily married and I wasn’t sure if she set this up on purpose.

Me: I didn’t want you all to feel rushed. So I figured I would just sit with you all at the bar.

Ron: Cool. If you don’t mind, I’ll order another drink and hang out with you two for a few minutes.

Ironically my girlfriend’s husband had called her and she excused herself. So that gave me and “Ron” a chance to chit chat. The conversation was great. He was a criminal defense attorney who was doing some work with my girlfriend’s mentor program. He went to an HBCU which was always a plus for men I met. He was genuine. We talked a lot about our experiences going to the top HBCU’s. He had also just seen the movie 42 so we ended up talking a lot about Jackie Robinson and the racism he faced. It was really a great and in depth convo. He ended up staying for another hour and hanging out with us.

Ron: Well I know I have over stayed my welcome. But it was great meeting you. I’m sure you two are going to talk about me. (To my girlfriend) I’ll give you a call tomorrow. (He winked at her)

Girlfriend: I got you. (And she pointed to both of us)

Ron came to me to give me a hug and I went to hug him.

Ron: Wait a minute. I’m going to need you to stand up and give me a hug.

Well alright now! I stood up and the $200 I had just spent on my new heels suddenly seemed like a bargain. With the extra inches of heel I was standing at a good 6’1 and he was still taller than me! What a sucker I am for a tall chocolate man!!!

Ron: How tall are you?

Me: 5’8 barefoot. But I like that I can wear my heels and still look up to you.

Ron: Me too. It was great meeting you. (To my friend) let’s touch base tomorrow.

With that “Ron” walked out of the restaurant and I immediately badgered my girlfriend.

Me: Did you plan that?!

Girlfriend: No. I swear I didn’t. I had already set up our meeting and you’re normally 15 minutes late. I couldn’t believe you were actually on time!

Me: He is fine! What is his deal?

Girlfriend: He’s a cool guy. He’s solid, nice, and sincere. And he can handle a strong woman. I can’t believe I didn’t think about hooking you two up sooner!

Me: I thought this was an intentional set up.

Girlfriend: I swear it wasn’t. But all the pieces fell into place. And I definitely sensed a mutual attraction. I’ll give him your info and let it go from there.

So we finished our dinner and our girl talk and I felt renewed! I have no idea if I will ever hear from “Ron” or if it will go anywhere. But over the last few weeks I was finding myself giving up on love. And to be honest I was on a nonstop flight to Bitterville. Sometimes it’s the little things that renew your sense of love and belief that happily ever after does exist. Sometimes the universe has a way of picking you up and bringing you back. I have no idea what the future holds for me. And I must say that is a frustrating thought. I am so used to being in control of everything in my life. Once I give up the idea that I have control of this dating shit, I think that’s when things will happen. So moving forward, I am going to sit back and just let the universe take me where I need to go. Love does exist and I will find it or perhaps it will find me. Over the last few months I have learned some valuable lessons in love.

1- Follow your intuition

2- Don’t date someone you are not attracted to. It’s just not worth it in the long run

3- Be open

4- Put your expectations in check

5- Continue to believe that true love exists

6- Don’t let cynicism turn you into a bitter scorned woman

7- When the shit don’t feel right keep it moving

8- Run away from Emotionally Unavailable men

9- Not all LA men are idiots

10- Sometimes when you least expect it, you will find yourself in a sad place. Its okay and you will get through it. Don’t push it down. Let your emotions flow.

Who knows what my next lesson will be in this journey to love. What I do know is I am ready for the next lesson and with each lesson, trial, and triumph I am getting closer to meeting my soul mate. Until then, I will continue to believe in “Happily Ever After…” And with that my dating depression was healed and I had finally reached a full recovery…

Doctors Orders

April 22, 2013/5 Comments/in Dating After Divorce, Dating Lessons, East Coast Men, Loneliness, Long Distance Dating, Self Discovery, Unavailable Men /by Monique K

“What is going on with you? You’re energy is off. I need you to come twice a week for a while so we can balance you out again.”

This week has been a doozy! You know how you have one of those weeks where everything and everyone just pisses you off and you feel alone and lonely. This week was the epitome of it. I was in a bad place and didn’t know how to shake myself out of it. I knew it was bad when someone cut me off on the highway not only did I cuss them out, “You stupid bitch!” But I followed them! I was a lunatic on wheels. Luckily for them and me they were able to dodge me! I knew when I was feeling like this I had to take extra care of myself and literally go into hiding until I was able to shake it off. I went to my acupuncturist and each needle that was placed in emotional points I screamed in pain. She was like, “What is going on with you? You’re energy is off. I need you to come twice a week for a while so we can balance you out again.” So I retreated to my home and just allowed myself to be alone and let any emotion I was having come up and deal with the shit. I took much needed “me” time. Sometimes you’re taught to push down your emotions and not allowed to be in a bad place. People make you think that if you’re not happy all the time and in a good mood then something is wrong. Well damn it, sometimes its okay for a gal to have a moment, be down in the dumps and just stay there until you’re ready to come out of it. By Sunday, I was beginning to feel like myself again.

I knew it was bad when someone cut me off on the highway not only did I cuss them out, “You stupid bitch!” But I followed them! I was a lunatic on wheels.

I realized my mood was triggered by some feelings about the ex (the constant foolery seemed to never come to an end), my current dating situations, or lack there of, and just the scary thought… “What if I NEVER meet Mr. Right? What if I end up alone forever?” I was beginning to emerge back to the land of the living so I took a nice Sunday stroll to the Farmers Market to pick up my flowers for the week. As I took my stroll it was 85 degrees in LA, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and the flowers were extra vibrant. I made myself a great dinner, and I cracked open a nice bottle of wine and sat on my couch and got ready to watch some good Reality TV. There’s nothing like watching pure foolery to realize your life isn’t as bad as you thought it was. That’s when my cell phone rang. When I looked at the screen I saw it was “Malachi.” A part of me smiled because “Malachi” was a man who I really liked. The other part of me rolled my eyes in utter annoyance. I was just beginning to get back on track emotionally. I had two choices. I could a) answer the phone and be annoyed or b) ignore the call because “Malachi” had shown me who he was. Decisions… Decisions… Decisions… Let me catch you up to speed on the good Doctor “Malachi.”

I met “Malachi” a few months ago when I was home for Christmas vacation. He was a 41 year old Oncologist. He was recently divorced and had an 8 year old son and a thriving practice. Ironically we discovered we both went to the same college. When we met there was an instant connection. He was handsome as hell, smart, driven, funny, charming, and sexy. The man was the complete package. He called me the day after we met and asked me out for lunch the following day. When I walked into the restaurant and saw him sitting there I got nervous! Me. Nervous! Literally my stomach was doing butterflies. I had changed my outfit at least 3 times before I got there. This was a feeling that was new to me. I go out on dates all the time. But with this guy I was nervous in a good way. When he hugged me I could smell his cologne. Eww weee! My inner diva did cartwheels all throughout the restaurant. When the waiter came to take our order I decided to hold off on having a glass of wine. Instead I ordered a sparkling water. I wanted to be fully present for this date (another first for me). The conversation just flowed. When I got over my initial nervousness and allowed myself to enjoy the date it was effortless. We stayed in the restaurant for a good 3 hours. Then we went to the mall and finished up our Christmas shopping, then we went to a movie, and after the movie we sat in his car and just talked. Before I knew it, it was 2 in the morning. We literally had a 10 hour date. He drove me to my car and waited with me while it warmed up. I forgot how your windows freeze on the east coast in the winter. He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. It was a great first date. We went out two more times while I was home for the holidays. And the last night he finally gave me a kiss. It was a good one too, passionate yet respectable. I was floating on air. Me and the fine ass Doctor. I thought he was different than any other guy I have been out with. It just felt right. When I got to LA we continued to talk on the phone. When we originally met he mentioned he was going to be in LA for a wedding the following month and I also knew I would be on the east coast for work quite a bit so it was a win-win situation. I waited for him to tell me the details of when he would be in LA. When two weeks passed and he didn’t mention it I asked him.

Me: When are you coming to LA for the wedding?

Malachi: I’m not sure if I am going to come. I sent them a gift. But I am going to try to make it out here soon. I have a few people out there I need to see.

Me: Okay. Well let me know.

Malachi: For sure. We’ll talk soon.

Record screeched to a halt. We’ll talk soon. What the fuck did that mean?! There were a few things wrong with this conversation. First of all, he should have been making plans to get his black ass out to LA immediately to see me. Also, what did he mean, “I have a few people out there I need to see.” What the fuck did that mean?! And the final knockout blow to my ego, “We’ll talk soon.” What the hell? I hung up perplexed, confused, and wondering if perhaps the connection I felt with him was one sided. It wouldn’t be the first time I was off. I decided to pull back and just go with the flow and see what happened. “Malachi” continued to call me. We continued to have great conversations.

I had two choices. I could a) answer the phone and be annoyed or b) ignore the call because “Malachi” had shown me who he was. Decisions… Decisions… Decisions…

He never did make his way out to LA for the wedding. I noticed a pattern developing with him. Whenever we would have deep conversation he wouldn’t call for a few days. Whenever I let go and connected with him he would pull back. I had no idea what the hell we were doing. So I stopped returning his calls for a while. And then he would start blowing up my phone. I had a business trip back east planned and we made plans to see each other. We met for dinner at a great Italian restaurant. I still had the butterflies when I saw him. He sat next to me during dinner and held my hand. I felt like we had established a good friendship up to this point. But I still had no idea what we were doing. So instead of playing the Guess What The Hell He Wants game I decided to have a grown folk conversation with him.

Me: I’m trying to figure out what we are doing here. I like you and I think you’re a cool guy. But I’m not sure what you’re looking for.

Malachi: I like you to. I think you’re cool and I want to get to know you more. You’re smart, beautiful, and you went to the best university on the planet.

Me: That’s good to know. I just need to know where you are coming from.

Malachi: I hear you. And I want to get to know you as well.

Me: If you want to b friends that’s fine, but I don’t kiss my friends.

Malachi: I don’t want us to just be friends.

What a relief. So after that date. I thought there was a clear understanding of where we were going and what he was looking for. And of course like clockwork he went MIA. To be honest I didn’t think it was another woman. I just think he had gone through such a crappy divorce that he had baggage. It was something I could certainly relate to. But it was getting ridiculous. To be honest, I was getting exhausted of the up down roller coaster ride with him. I hated holding back and having to play these games. So when we spoke again I was just very frank with him.

Me: Malachi, I feel like you have this wall up and I’m not exactly sure how to handle it.

Malachi: Am I that emotionally fucked up?

Me: I’m not saying you’re emotionally fucked up. But I do think you are holding back. I don’t even think you are doing it consciously. But whenever we connect you put a wall up. And I can only do this for so long before I am done and when I’m done I’m done.

Malachi: Maybe you’re right. But you gotta give me a chance. I’ll work on it. If you had a cousin who was mentally off and he didn’t know how to hold a fork would you stop talking to him or would you help him to learn how to pick up his fork.

“Malachi’s” sense of humor is what attracted me to him but at that moment I Wanted to take a fork and poke his eyes out. I was trying to works with the brotha. In the past I was so quick to run for the hills. But there was something about him that made me want to work with him.

Me: What?

Malachi: I’m just saying. I’ll work on it. I didn’t realize I was doing that. By the way, I’m coming out to LA soon.

Me: Good! Finally!

I hung up the phone and it felt like we had made progress. We started communicating regularly and I was feeling like we had turned a new leaf. Things were going really well until he pissed me off… again. I tell you I am exhausted even writing about this foolishness. It was a Friday night and I went to my neighborhood spot to have a cocktail and unwind after a long work week. I happened to be on the phone with “Malachi.”

Malachi: It’s loud all of a sudden where are you?

Me: One of my favorite neighborhood spots having a glass of wine.

Malachi: Well have fun. Take someone home with you!

Long awkward pause…

Malachi: Hello.

Me: I’m going to talk to you later.

With that I hung up the phone. I was done. What the fuck was he thinking? A few minutes later I get a text from “Malachi.”

I appreciate all of your support.

I ignored it. And then he sent me another text.

Go home alone! LOL!

I ignored it. The worse thing a woman can do outside of texting drunk is texting when a man has pissed you the fuck off. So I took a few hours and I sent him a text back.

You are a piece of work. Have a nice life.

I already knew what was going to happen. I knew he would call me the next day and feel me out and try to figure out if I was pissed or not. Of course I called my girlfriends and the consensus was that statement was bullshit. It’s like was purposefully trying to push me away. So the next day he called. I answered and was very dry. He knew I was pissed. Did this man say, “I’m sorry. I took the joke too far.” Nope he just talked like everything was okay. So finally I told him I was busy and I hung up. He called me two days later.

Malachi: Hey how are you?

Me: I have to be honest you really pissed me the fuck off the other day.

Malachi: I know I did and I apologize.

Me: I’m letting you know right now. You have cashed your last check. I already told you when I’ done. I’m done. I’m really trying to work with you but you’re making it hard.

Malachi: I knew I went too far. My bad.

I am a 35 year old woman. I would be a fool to think that I can make an emotionally unavailable man change. When he’s ready and open to be in a relationship and open up perhaps if I am still available and single we could work. But at this point I recognized this was pure absolute unadulterated bullshit and I had to protect myself and my heart.

I was exhausted from this relationship. And I use the term “relationship” loosely. And of course this all happened around the time when I was already in a shitty place to begin with. Here’s the thing. When a man is into you he’s into you. Here I was dealing with a man who was 3000 miles away and he couldn’t even act like he had an inkling of sense?! I began to get it. I was safe for “Malachi.” He could call me when he was bored and shoot the shit. I do believe there was a connection and who knows what would have happened if I lived on the east coast. But this was bullshit and I knew it. I am a 35 year old woman. I would be a fool to think that I can make an emotionally unavailable man change. When he’s ready and open to be in a relationship and open up perhaps if I am still available and single we could work. But at this point I recognized this was pure absolute unadulterated bullshit and I had to protect myself and my heart. I was just beginning to feel like me again. My acupuncturist put those needles in the right points and my energy was feeling normal again. My walk to the farmer’s market put me at peace. And I was serious when I said I would no longer date a man that was not what I needed. Emotional Availability was at the top of my A List. I had discussed with “Malachi” how I was feeling. I wasn’t in the mood to revisit it. To be honest, you can tell a man until you’re blue in the face what you need and what you desire. But if they aren’t willing or able to do it then you have to walk away. Or else, you will drive yourself over the edge with frustration because deep down inside you know you are not getting what you need. I was married to a man who didn’t give me what I needed and I thought eventually things would change. And it didn’t. And I was frustrated with myself for staying in a relationship and marriage with a man who didn’t, wouldn’t, and couldn’t give me what I needed. I believe “Malachi” was a test. And as I sat on my couch looking at my phone with his name on the screen this was the final part of the test. So what did I do? I hit ignore. Put the phone down and continued having my glass of wine. I knew I made the right decision when “Malachi” didn’t even leave message. You see, I know that when I meet “the one” things will feel right. I won’t question how a man feels about me, or feel like he isn’t honoring me. I will know it and he will show it. Just like my acupuncturist gave me the order to come to her twice a week for a while. I was giving myself a prescription. If shit didn’t feel right you must keep it moving. And I was planning on sticking with that order. I knew if I did I would eventually find my way to a healthy relationship.

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The A List

April 18, 2013/8 Comments/in Dating After Divorce, Dating Lessons, Self Discovery /by Monique K

I realized I had no freaking clue what the hell I was looking for.

So I made the conscious decision to take a break from dating. All of the recent bad dates had me feeling… What’s the word I’m looking for… Defeated. Between Professor Klump, Knee Pad New York, The Swinger, The Dating Vapor, I didn’t want to go out on another bad date. I was completely and officially over it. I wanted my next date to lead to something more significant. I was over being a serial dater. I was ready to become a Serial Dater with my Ideal Man. I made a conscious decision to spend time preparing for the real deal. I perfected certain recipes. I went out with girlfriends for cocktails and shit talking. I was taking some serious “me” time. I refused to just go out with someone for the sake of just going out with them. I knew I was true to my word when I went to a party with a girlfriend of mine last week the typical LA industry party for a launch of a new liquor. I made eye contact with a cutie pie. He came up to me and struck up a good conversation. He was from Queens and was a former professional athlete. He gave me his card. When I looked at it, it said Professional Trainer. Um… Trainer, I don’t think so. I am a professional woman and I do not have any interest in having a serious relationship with a trainer unless you are on some Billy Blanks status. Call me a bitch but I would only want one thing from a trainer. A good workout 🙂 Not a serious relationship. I want a man who is on my professional level. I could see if I weren’t bringing anything to the table but I am and I shouldn’t have to lower my expectations just to have a man. I politely put his card in my purse. When I got in the car with my girlfriend to head home (she was the designated driver for the night) the conversation ensued.

. I am a professional woman and I do not have any interest in having a serious relationship with a trainer unless you are on some Billy Blanks status.

Girlfriend: Well at least the men were approaching us at this party. What was up with the cutie you were talking to?

Me: He was cool. But girl, he was a trainer!

Girlfriend: Awwwww…. Damn!

Me: My thoughts exactly. What was up with you and the cutie you met?

Girlfriend: He’s an actor.

Me: Awwwww damn!

When you work in the industry as an executive the last man you want to date is an up and coming actor or writer. This might sound harsh. But keep in mind we live in LA. Those are typically the guys who find out which studio or network you work for and want to get a hook up for an audition. OR want to give you their script. You constantly have to ascertain if the interest in you is genuine or if they are looking for a come up. So women in the industry generally avoid the no name up and coming actor for that very reason. And don’t hit me with, “You could be blocking your blessing.” Most women in the industry know this as a general rule of them.

Girlfriend: So are you going to call the trainer.

I took the card out and looked at it. He had a shirtless picture of himself on it and I could see every single one of his well sculpted biceps against his smooth chocolate skin. Wow! But I decided I was no longer just going to go out with a guy just because, for fun, for practice. Now that I was officially over the divorce and ready for the real deal I was going to make that night the first night of dating only serious prospects. So I tore the card up in tiny pieces and threw it out the window.

Girlfriend: You are serious about this new dating thing?

Me: I sure am!

Girlfriend: I’m proud of you!

Me: I’m tired of quantity, I only want quality!

Girlfriend: I heard that.

That weekend I went to the 30^th birthday of my cousin. She recently moved to LA and we hadn’t had a chance to really talk since the divorce. In my family I am a good decade older than most of my younger cousins. They look up to me as the successful cousin making moves and enjoying life. I was sitting on the beach at her bonfire.

Cousin: So cuz how have you been since the incident?

It’s funny that’s what my marriage was now referred to. “The Incident.”

Me: It’s was a process. But I am great.

Cousin: Are you dating?

I gave her my usual crafted response.

Me: I’m dating everybody! I’m just enjoying myself.

Cousin: Have you met anyone special?

Me: Not yet.

Cousin: Is it hard?

Me: No. To be honest I wasn’t ready until recently. I needed time to heal from “the incident.”

Cousin: I understand.

Cousin: So you’re ready now?

Me: I think so.

Cousin: Do you know what you want this time around?

She looked at me with the utmost sincerity. And that was the first time I had been asked that question and I realized I had no freaking clue what the hell I was looking for. I had written a list before I met my ex. And unfortunately I had gotten everything I asked for. It had been a long time since I had actually written a list of what the hell I wanted in my soul mate. I had already created my vision board but in terms of writing down my list of what the hell I wanted, I hadn’t done that since I was 27. Perhaps a part of me was terrified of missing something and getting exactly what I got before… A freaking disaster! But I knew it was time to revisit this list.

The next evening I went to my meditation room with a glass of wine, lit candles, and wrote exactly what I was looking for. This time I was able to pinpoint exactly what I wanted. But first I meditated and prayed over it and I took my time.

So the next evening I went to my meditation room with a glass of wine, lit candles, and wrote exactly what I was looking for. This time I was able to pinpoint exactly what I wanted. But first I meditated and prayed over it and I took my time. Instead of putting down- Kisses me on the forehead, wears a suit to work (the things that were on my27 year old bullshit list). The 35 year old list had- Is a good communicator, doesn’t shut down when there is conflict, loves me unconditionally, spiritual not religious (and other things that I will keep between me and the universe). By the time I blew out my candles and left the meditation room I hadn’t realized 2 hours had went by. But I felt good and at peace. I was no longer going to think I could change someone into becoming who I want them to be. Like that famous quote says, When a man tells you who is… Believe him! I was no longer going out just for the sake of it or not following that little thing called intuition. Moving forward I was looking for something deep and meaningful and I knew I was deserving of it. I can’t say I won’t go out on any more bad dates or never kiss another frog. But what I can say is I am switching up my approach. I’m going to try it out and see what happens. After all at this point I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

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The Golden State

April 10, 2013/13 Comments/in Dating After Divorce, Dating Disasters, LA Men, Men You're Not Attracted To, Oversexed Men, Rich Men, Self Discovery /by Monique K

Where in the hell was my prince?! Up to this point not only have I kissed multiple frogs, I even married a demon!

After spending the last few days considering a cross country move I decided to exhaust all possibilities here in LA. Like clockwork whenever I am seriously reconsidering living here the weather is extra sunny and the skies are extra clear. I tell ya, this city has a way of screwing with girls emotions. So I thought, maybe I will revisit someone from the past that I might not have given a chance. So I gave “Vince” a call. (refer to my very first post- https://confessionsofaserialdaterinla.com/2013/01/am-i-vain-or-just-deserving/). “Vince” was a cool guy I went out with a couple of time but due to his excessive girth (unfortunately on his waist) I wasn’t sure if I could date him because of my own vanity. But I figured I could put my vanity aside for the possibility of staying in LA. Besides I could help him lose weight. I could make it my personal mission to be his coach and his trainer in his very own The Biggest Loser. “Vince” was overjoyed to hear from me again.

Vince: I thought you forgot about me. You just kicked a brotha to the curb.

Me: I have been on the road. You know how that is. (I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I just wasn’t into him and I had kicked him to the curb. That would have been mean… right?)

Vince: Are you in town for a while.

Me: I am. How have you been?

Vince: I’ll be better if you let me take you out to dinner this week.

Me: You know I live to make you happy Vince! Where should we meet?

Vince: How about Boa?

Me: That works for me.

Vince: Thanks for giving a brotha another chance.

Me: Oh Vince, you are too much.

I hung up the phone and I thought. See, you were just being a vain bitch. You should have given this man a chance. So what if he is a little bigger than you typically like. He is going to adore you. Wednesday night came and I pulled up to Boa. I settled on a fairly casual outfit. To be honest, normally when I am excited about going out with someone I go all out. It takes a few hours of preparation. But since it was “Vince” I didn’t feel the need for all the usual pomp and circumstance so I wore a pair of dark jeans, I bright pink blazer and a pair of heels, with an oversized clutch (in honor of going out with my oversized man). When I walked into Boa “Vince” was sitting down at one of the couches at the bar checking emails on his phone. When he saw me his eyes lit up and he stood. Oh boy… he stood up. He looked like he gained a good 15 pounds more since the last time we went out. I went up to him and gave him a hug. I couldn’t wrap my arms around him. So I tried to focus on something good about him. Okay, he had on a very nice suit. It was obviously custom. I guess it had to be. If you are that large I doubt you can just go to a regular store and buy a suit. I had to once again tame down my inner diva. Give him a chance. He might look like Professor Klump but at least he knows how to court a woman. That’s what you said you were looking for. So bitch sit down and allow yourself to be courted!

Give him a chance. He might look like Professor Klump but at least he knows how to court a woman. That’s what you said you were looking for. So bitch sit down and allow yourself to be courted!

We walked to the host stand and he told the young lady his name and she immediately sat us at one of the best tables in the restaurant. Okay, that’s what I’m talking about! Suddenly his extra girth wasn’t so unappealing. That’s not exactly true. But I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, fake it till you make it. I was attempting to test out that theory. He helped me with my chair. The waiter came to the table to take our drink orders.

Vince: I’ll have a cranberry juice with lime and she’ll have a glass of the Dog Point Sauvignon Blanc.

Me: Wow Vince I’m impressed.

Vince: I pay attention.

Me: Noted.

Vince and I caught up on our lives over the last 3 months. He recently renovated his home and had just returned from taking his kids to Hawaii for their spring break. The conversation was great and the wine was sensational. I was really enjoying my time with “Vince.” I was suddenly willing to overlook his arms resting on the top of his stomach when he crossed them and his rather thick unibrow (something I hadn’t noticed before). As a matter of fact when he crossed his arms over his large stomach I noticed a beautiful yet settle Rolex watch. Okay, this wasn’t too bad. I can overlook the unappealing qualities. The good is outweighing the bad (no pun intended). Then the waiter came to the table to prepare our table side Cesar salad. The waiter was mixing the salad. So I decided to start my Trainer position to help my man lose some eight. I’m sure he could appreciate it. So I subtly said to the waiter.

Me: Light on the cheese and dressing! Um… Please.

Vince: Oh no! Extra cheese and dressing. As a matter of fact please put extra dressing on the side.

Me: I do not like a lot of dressing on my salad.

Vince: (to the waiter) Listen to the person who is paying.

With that the waiter looked at me, shrugged, and overloaded cheese and dressing onto the salad. I ordered another glass of Sauvignon Blanc. This is why I always will work even if I end up married to a zillionaire. I never want to be in a situation where I am beholding to some man all because he holds the purse strings. Don’t get me wrong. I want to be taken care of and would welcome a man who is financial able to keep me in the lifestyle I am accustomed to. But I will always maintain my independence and have “Fuck you” money.

Vince: You always gotta be in control of shit. Just sit back and let me handle shit. I see I’m gonna have to get you in check!

Me: Uh.. excuse me?

Vince: Calm down I’m just playing.

Me: (laughing) Oh I know. You ain’t crazy!

Vince: But you ARE always trying to control shit.

Me: You’re right. I’m working on it.

Vince: We are going to have to figure out a way to get you to let me handle things.

Me: I’m open to suggestions.

I realized he was giving sexual innuendos. The idea of this man naked sent me into a panic. I took a long chug of my wine and tried to shake it off. I also concentrated on not throwing up in my mouth or on him for that matter. Maybe in his mind he thought since we were out on our 5^th date he was going to go there.

Vince: You gotta to experience the GRP.

Me: What’s the GRP?

Vince: The Golden Rod of Power.

I literally choked on my wine. Perhaps my ears were still clogged from the flight I had taken last week.

Me: What’s the Golden Rod of Power?

Vince: (he slowed down his speech and enunciated each word like he was teaching me how to read) The Golden…Rod… of… Power.

Just when I was taking a sip of my Sauvignon Blanc it clicked. I figured out what the GRP really was. I literally spit my wine out.

Me: Are you talking about peeing on someone?

Vince: I don’t have to pee on you. It can be the other way around.

I was disgusted. I was mortified. And suddenly the beautiful coloring of the Sauvignon Blanc I was drinking had taken on a different meaning and I couldn’t stomach it.

ME: Have you lost your God damn mind?!

I didn’t realize my voice was raised until I noticed a couple at a table 3 down was looking at us. So I lowered my voice. I wasn’t trying to re-create a scene from The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Vince: Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.

Me: I can’t believe you just said that shit. You need to save that for some bitch with low self esteem. How dare you?

Vince: Calm down, I was just playing.

Me: No you weren’t. You were dead ass serious. You were trying to feel me out to see if I was some type of nasty ass freak. Well I’m not. You’re absolutely repulsive.

Vince: Damn it’s like that?

Me: Yes it is you disgusting fat fuck. Good night. Good bye. And lose my number. Now go piss on that!

I threw my napkin down on the table and walked out. Thank goodness I didn’t waste a good outfit on this fool! Of course the valet was taking forever to bring my damn car around. I was hoping and praying my car would hurry up and come around. But that damn Murphy’s Law clearly has a bone to pick with me. And “Vince” walked out.

Vince: Look, I was just playing. Seriously I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to take things too far.

It was hard for me to even look at him. What made this man think that I would want his diabetic, high cholesterol piss anywhere near my home let alone my body? Who the fuck does that type of nasty shit? He stood there, all 350 pounds of him. He now looked repulsive. And WHERE THE FUCK WAS MY DAMN CAR???!!!!

Me: Have I given off any type of vibe that I would think that was remotely funny?

Vince: I know, like I said I took things too far and I’m really sorry. Please let me make that up to you.

Me: I thought you were a different type of man. But clearly I was wrong. I’m not even interested in being friends with you. Have a nice life.

Vince: I understand and I hope you can one day accept my apology.

Luckily my car had finally made its away back from the valet. What in the hell was going on with these men? I met one who was a swinger, another one who suggested I wear knee pads, and now a fat fuck that was into Golden Showers? I know I am not putting out a vibe that I am remotely into that kind of shit. As I drove off I had to repeat my mantra…

Do not become bitter. All men are not alike. You have to kiss frogs to get to your prince.

I looked at the brightest star and the thought suddenly occurred to me. Right now at this very moment, my soul mate could be looking at that same star wondering where I was.

Where in the hell was my prince?! Up to this point not only have I kissed multiple frogs, I even married a demon. How many more lessons, life experiences, and bad dates do I have to go on before I experience bliss? I even attempted to give Professor Klump a chance in an effort to stop being shallow and look where that got me. I have to continue to believe and have faith that the right man is out there. I guess these shitty experiences make it even more special when you finally find your prince. The key is remaining hopeful. The second you lose hope is the point in time where you do become bitter. I decided to make a right on Mulholland and pull over and take a moment to get out of my car and just take a second to stop. At times, you can find yourself on this never ending merry go round called “Life.” Sometimes you go round and round and it becomes monotonous. Lately that’s how I felt. The dating world can push you down, drag your through the mud, and leaving you feeling empty and alone. It’s at those moments when you just have to stop and get off the ride and catch you breath. I had finally reached that point. So I did just that. I stopped. I put my top down. And I sat in my car looking up at the stars. I looked at the brightest star and the thought suddenly occurred to me. Right now at this very moment, my soul mate could be looking at that same star wondering where I was. Praying for God to send me to him. What a refreshing thought! No matter how bad it got, I knew that he was out there looking for me and eventually we are going to find each other. But until then, I vowed I would no longer settle, second guess, and doubt what I need and deserve. I made the decision to continue to believe and have faith that he is coming soon. And what a lucky man he will be. That thought left me in a true Golden State…

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Full Exposure

April 2, 2013/4 Comments/in Dating After Divorce, Dating Lessons, SBF, Self Discovery /by Monique K

I have to be honest, I can’t blame it all on my business travel. I had major writer’s block due to second guessing.

I know it has been a while since I have written. I have to be honest, I can’t blame it all on my business travel. I had major writer’s block due to second guessing.

I went to a party last month. I love parties in LA where it’s a REAL party where people are actually dancing and having a good time. The music was loud, the drinks were flowing, and the crowd had an east coast feel to it. While I was out on the dance floor jamming to some old school I got a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and low and behold there was “McDreamy.” (If you’re not familiar please refer to the original blog post- https://confessionsofaserialdaterinla.com/2013/01/wtf-perplexed-and-confused/). He was still looking fine as hell. And he was still with one of his typical video vixen type chicks. I immediately went into panic mode. My heart started beating fast. I tried to inhale and exhale deeply. I talked to my inner diva. “Relax, there’s no way in hell he knows about the blog.” He gave me a hug and whispered in my ear.

McDreamy: Nice blog.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. He knows! I had to think to think quickly. My wine induced buzz certainly didn’t help matters. So I did what any mature woman would do.

Me: What blog? I have no idea what you’re talking about.

With that I walked off. News flash, sometimes I am still that 15 year old trapped in a 35 year woman’s body. When I started this blog, I knew I was targeting women and gay men. I figured a few men might find out about it. But I never thought my subjects would know. Besides, I changed the names to protect the Foolery. When I write, I feel protected behind my keyboard and lap top screen. I called my mother the next day.

Me: Mommy! I ran into one of my subjects!

Mom: (after cracking up for a good 30 seconds) What did he say?

Me: Nice blog.

Mom: What did you say?

Me: I told him I didn’t know what he was talking about.

Mom: Well why would you do that? You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Me: Mom he probably hates me! I’m mortified.

Mom: You’re going to have to have a thicker skin. Just own your shit!

I hung up the phone with my mom. I loved her candor, honesty, and support. But I still called about 4 other friends of mine who pretty much said the same thing. Two weeks later I was at a networking event. I was at the bar having a sparkling water. And just because Murphy’s Law likes to fuck with me to epic proportions, guess who I ran into again… You guessed it. “McDreamy.”

McDreamy: I was serious when I told you nice blog.

Me: You were?

McDreamy: Yeah. I like how you write. It’s really entertaining.

Me: How did you find out about it?

McDreamy: I just did.

Me: Are you mad?

McDreamy: Hell no! I wanted to frame it. I liked your description of me. It was on point.

Suddenly I relaxed and decided to use this as an opportunity. How often do we as women have the chance to ask man how he really feels? And what the hell is his problem?

Me: I am so glad. I was worried you had put my picture on a dart board. But seriously McDreamy, you are so handsome, smart, and fun. Why do you have to be a freak?!

McDreamy: It’s just a lifestyle I prefer.

Me: Okay. Well I have one question for you. Since you’re into the swinging lifestyle are you bi?

I figured, since he was so open I might as well get all my questions answered.

McDreamy: When I read that I laughed. Hell no. I’m just not into traditional sex. You should try it.

Me: Real funny. Like I said, that’s never going down. It’s just a shame because we could be so good together but you are into some freaky shit that I just could not ever get down with. But I really appreciate you being the honest person you are.

McDreamy: That’s all I ever can be. Keep up the blog. I think it has potential to be big. For real.

Me: Are you mad?
McDreamy: Hell no! I wanted to frame it. I liked your description of me. It was on point.

We hugged. And it was such a great feeling to really close that chapter. It’s not like he and I had some deep relationship. But what was special for me was getting the opportunity to ask any question that was in my head. And having a man be open and honest. It felt… GROWN. “McDreamy” will forever go down in my books as one of the most honest and upfront men. Oh yeah, and fine too.

So I got over that hurdle. And then a few weeks ago I wrote a post, When the Boss is Away (here’s the original- https://confessionsofaserialdaterinla.com/2013/03/when-the-boss-is-away/). That’s when it hit home that men… straight men were reading my blog. I was at a party and ran into a friend of mine. He said, Dang you really called old boy out. I hope his wife isn’t reading your blog. Then later on that same day I was on Facebook and commented on an old high school friend’s post. His response. Watch out… Russell might be coming for you LOL!

That’s when I freaked out. I called my girlfriend and told her what happened.

Girlfriend #1: Well guuuurl, I can’t lie to you. If I was a guy and had someone I wanted to introduce you to, I would probably think twice. Put the shoe on the other foot. What if a guy wrote about the women he dated would you want to introduce him to your friend?

Me: I don’t know it depends on what he writes. Shit, it’s not like I’m Superhead and writing about some crazy sex shit.

Girlfriends #1: I know. But I’m just saying.

Then I called another friend. Because of course like every good patient you have to get a second opinion. Besides I figured I would get a married friends take on the situation.

Girlfriend #2: I didn’t think about that. But that’s a good point. A lot of men might not like it. But I love it. It’S my weekend reading. I told you I even showed it to my husband.

Me: Well what did your husband say?

Girlfriend #2: (long awkward pause) Uh…

Me: Well, what did he say?

Girlfriend #2: Well, he said, why in the hell would she write about that?

Me: Oh my God! Oh my God. This blog is going to be the cause of me becoming an Old Maid. I’m shutting it down.

Girlfriend #2: Are you crazy?! Why in the hell would you shut it down? It’s entertaining. You can’t do that!

Me: I gotta call you back.

I hung up the phone and went downstairs and grabbed my mega goblet and poured a humungous glass of a 2009 Cabernet I was saving for a special occasion. I figured this was the best occasion. Clearly I wouldn’t be sharing it with my second husband because I would never have another husband because I am writing a blog. I tried to watch TV but still couldn’t concentrate. And just like clockwork my phone rang and it was my mother. Sometimes I think that she has video cameras installed in my house. She always seems to call when I am having moments of major self doubt. I told her what happened.

Mom: Well that’s good, you want people to read it. I told you some of my friends have even shared it with their husbands.

Me: But mommy, I never thought men would read this. What if I meet a guy I really like and he finds out about the blog? Then what? He might leave me.

Mom: Why in the hell would you want to be with a man that would leave you over something so stupid. The right man will support you in all your dreams. I keep telling you really need to develop a tougher skin.

Me: I know, I know.

After 4 or 5 more phone calls to various people with the same opinions I still didn’t feel fully exonerated. Over the next week I tried to write. But I couldn’t get the words out. I was second guessing myself every step of the way. Everything I wrote seemed forced all because I wasn’t being true to myself. You see, when I write my posts I give it my all. I am fully genuine and authentic. I do not pretend to be a dating expert because I am not. I also do not write about any guy I am currently dating or really like. But the sudden steam I had when I started the blog suddenly evaporated and I questioned whether or not to go on. There is a point in everyone’s life where they come to a cross roads. I was at this cross roads. I could either shut the blog down or finish what I started and keep going down this path of uncertainty. That’s when my girlfriend called back.

“You need to think of yourself as writing the soundtrack of dating. Get out of your own way.”

Girlfriend #1: I thought about our conversation.

Me: You did?

Girlfriend #1: You have to get out of your own way.

Me: I know, but I am beginning to question everything.

Girlfriend #1: How do you think we came to grow and love Mary J. Blige? She wrote songs about her own experiences and they were from the heart. That’s why we love her.

Me: I never thought about it like that. To be honest I miss the bitter 90’s Mary J. Blige. I liked when she wrote about heartbreak.

Girlfriend #1: Exactly. Songwriters don’t second guess themselves.

Me: That’s true.

Girlfriend #1: You need to think of yourself as writing the soundtrack of dating. Get out of your own way.

If full exposure means I am misbehaved. Well damn it, let me continue to write my place in “his-tory” or as I like to call it… “She-tory.” I will continue to stay fully exposed….

I got off the phone with her and began to see a small peak of light at the end of the tunnel. I thought back to when I was dating my ex-husband and our marriage. At that time I gave up a lot of things to make him happy. Things that were important to me. And here I was about to fall into the same pattern over an imaginary man I hadn’t even met! I was about to sacrifice my creativity and something I was truly enjoying just so that I could be more “appealing” to someone who didn’t quite exist. How many times have we as women done that? How many times have we sacrificed our own needs and our own desires all so that we could appease someone who wasn’t worthy? That when I made the decision to keep going. I would never ever allow myself to not be true to who I am. Some people may read my blog and say, “This bitch is crazy! Why is she writing about this? I hope she doesn’t tell everything.” There might be men out there who are secretly reading this and think, “I would never let my wife/girlfriend have a blog… I thought she was cool but I don’t want to date her because she might write about me.” Well damn it; don’t give me shit to write about! Perhaps read this and learn what not to do. At the end of the day I am going to finish what I started. All I can do is be honest, genuine, and authentic. If it entertains, great, if someone learns something or it just makes them laugh through a difficult time like a divorce or a relationship ending then even better. All I can say is that Confessions of a Serial Dater in LA is here to stay. I recently came across a quote. “Well behaved women rarely make history.” If full exposure means I am misbehaved. Well damn it, let me continue to write my place in “his-tory” or as I like to call it… “She-tory.” I will continue to stay fully exposed….

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