I was getting my hair ready for the summer. In addition to a cut I decided to go blonde for the summer. You know what they say, blondes have more fun! Many of you know, in addition to styling your hair, hairstylist are also therapists. Hairstylists in LA hold this town’s deepest and darkest secrets and know the Tea! While my hairstylist was putting the finishing touches on my haircut I had just finished telling him yet another dating disaster story. As he spun me around in the chair to take a final look at my slamming haircut we finished our conversation.
Hairstylist: Honey, you need to lower your expectations!
Me: What? Are you crazy? I will never lower my expectations ever again. I did that before and look where that got me! A divorce! Besides that the problem with women today. They have no standards and because of that men aren’t stepping up to the plate!
Hairstylist: No honey, I didn’t say lower your standards, I said lower your expectations. You always, place such high expectations on a guy when you are first dating them and when they don’t live up to them right away you either kick him to the curb or you are so disappointed…
I sat and stared at myself in the mirror. Once again, I have been getting so many perils of wisdom when I least expected it. I didn’t realize I was in a daze until my hairstylist snapped me out of it.
Hairstylist: Now, I know you aren’t about to tell me you don’t like it. This color is everything!
Me: Oh no! I love it. I was just thinking about what you said.
Hairstylist: Again, I’m not telling you to lower your standards but just lower those expectations, especially in the beginning.
I got in my car and realized it would take me too damn long to get over the hill at this hour so I decided to grab a drink at The Beverly Wilshire Hotel bar. I sat at a table, ordered a glass of Parker Station Pinot Noir. And it tasted so good. I was savoring every single sip. I kept thinking about what my hairstylist said… Lower your expectations not your standards… I thought about how I had dated up to this point in my life. He was probably right. I did expect a lot and for good reason. But perhaps I needed to change that. I recently went out with “Ron.” That’s the guy I met unexpectedly during my business dinner. (refer to blog post A Speedy Recovery- http://confessionsofaserialdaterinla.com/2013/04/a-speedy-recovery/) for the deets.
The day after I met “Ron” my girlfriend/colleague sent me a text message asking if it was okay that she give him my number. I said, “Hell yeah!” When I met him there was a definitive attraction. I thought he was fine as hell, smart, charming, funny and genuine. She absolutely could give him my number, cell phone number, social security number, hell just give him all my info! I’m such a mess! Within 5 minutes I got a text message from “Ron.”
Ron: So I met a new friend yesterday. The convo was cool. She seemed like good peeps. She’s also a friend of a friend/biz colleague. Do you know where I can find her? Please tell her “Ron” is trying to contact her. LOL!
That will forever go down as one of the sweetest endearing text I’ve received. So I responded
Me: You’re in luck. I just happened to bump into her.
Ron: Are you free tomorrow night? I would love meet up with you.
Me: I’m free after 7.
Ron: Cool. I’ll figure out a cool spot and I’ll see you then.
Now this was off to a nice start. I was anticipating meeting “Ron” and here I was going out with him the next night. By the way, just a side note, I recently went on a diatribe in a former post about married friends who say, “You’ll meet the right one when you’re not looking.” In this situation, I WAS looking. I made it a point to put myself out there as most single women should do. Did I happen to meet a man in a place where I didn’t expect it? Yes. But at the end of the day, as a single gal, I’m always looking. I just felt the need to clarify. As you can tell that’s one of those topics I feel strongly about. Anyway, I digressed. I was really excited about going out with “Ron.” We decided to meet at this new spot in the valley Page 71 Lounge around 9pm. So I got to the spot around 9:12. Looked around and didn’t see “Ron.” I decided to find a spot to sit since it was getting crowded. Fifteen minutes later I get a text from “Ron.”
Ron: Sorry I am running behind. Got caught up with the family. I’m in route.
What the fuck does “in route” mean? Does that mean you’re in your car heading over? OR does that mean you’re just now walking out the door. I was so annoyed. I thought to order a glass of wine while I waited but decided against it. Why in the hell would I spend money on a date that I might possible be leaving before he got there? With each passing minute my annoyance got greater. I looked at my phone and saw it was now 9:30. This man was 30 minutes late! I texted my girlfriend and told her what was going on. Her response was, ”Give him another 10 minutes. If he doesn’t show up by then leave. He should have been there waiting for you to come in not the other way around. Don’t leave yet.” I looked around the spot and perhaps it was just me feeling paranoid but there was a group of 3 women sitting across from me hanging out and I felt like they were staring at me like, “This bitch got stood up!” My phone buzzed and I saw it was a text from “Ron.”
Was it too much for me to expect that a man be on time for a damn date? Finally “Ron” walked in. I had to calm down my inner diva who wanted to smack the shot out of him. Instead I looked at my wrist like I was tapping my watch.
Ron: I am so sorry I am late. I don’t get together with my family often ad every time I was trying to leave they kept holding me up.
Me: Those ladies over there probably thought I was getting stood up!
Ron: Well I will spend the entire night making them jealous (he gave me the warmest tightest hug). What can I get you to drink?
Me: I’ll just have a glass of Sauvignon Blanc.
Ron went to bar to get our drinks. Okay, my nerves were slowly starting to calm down after seeing him. Besides that hug was nice and he was looking good. He skin was looking extra chocolate and delectable. And when I hugged him I smelled a slight hint of a nice cologne. I love a man that knows how to pick out a good cologne. He came back with my Sauvignon Blanc and a beer for himself. “Ron” was such a… man. He was masculine and confident. I learned a lot about him. He was 42, divorced, and he had a daughter. I can appreciate a man who has children from a former marriage and not just some random woman he was fucking at the time. He was very open about his marriage and what went wrong. But most of all he talked a lot about his love for his daughter. Which made him even more attractive. One of the things about dating a man who has been married before is they have a clearer understanding of what they are looking for in relationships. He also asked me a lot about myself. Lately on dates I noticed a lot of men had a case of diarrhea of the mouth. They will tell me a bunch of shit about themselves but never bother asking me any questions about me. So I was enjoying the dialogue between the two of us. But something in my spirit wasn’t feeling right. In the past, I would ignore this feeling one because I wasn’t as much in tune with myself then as I am now or two because I really didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to be disappointed. But it was something you had to do. So I went for it.
Me: Ron, you seem like such a cool guy. You also seem very clear in what you are looking for when it comes to relationships. Do you have a girlfriend?
“Ron” took a long pause and took a sip of his beer.
Ron: Well actually I’m just getting out of something.
Me: Interesting. What does that mean?
Ron: I was in a relationship but we are in the process of ending it.
Me: In the process of ending it? What exactly does “in the process” of ending it mean? Do you two live together?
These are the times when I hate being a “grown-up.” Sometimes living in ignorance is a good thing. That bitch we call Reality loves to fuck with me! It’s her personal mission to ruin my love life!
Ron: We do. But she’s moving out in two weeks.
Picture the air slowly being let out of a balloon that is exactly what I felt like. Deflated. “Ron” could tell I was disappointed.
Ron: Look I wasn’t expecting to meet you the other day. But I met you and I was interested and I wanted to get to know you. I hadn’t planned on meeting someone like you but I did and I didn’t want to wait.
I took a deep breath and took a second to take in what he was telling me. A lot of times, I am quick to rush to judgment. Or “check” a man he falls short of my… expectations. But this time I didn’t want to react right away. I just needed a second to receive the information.
Me: Well first, let me say I appreciate your honesty. I think it would be foolish for me to expect that you weren’t seeing anyone else. And I get it. I wasn’t expecting to meet anyone that night either and I think you’re cool. I just need some time to process this info and decide what I’m going to do.
I didn’t realize how much time had went by until the lights were coming on. I looked at my phone and it was 2:30 in the morning.
Ron: I guess it’s time for us to head out.
Me: I guess so.
Ron: I’ll walk you to your car.
As we stood up to walk out, out of the blue “Ron” gave me a kiss. I pulled back and was having a slight inner war in my head between my intelligent self and my inner diva. I had to remind myself of what this man just told me. Damn! As “Ron” opened the door for me he looked at me.
Ron: I hope that I can still get to know you.
Me: You gave me a lot to think about.
The next day my girlfriends were all waiting with anticipation to find out how my date with the mystery man went. I called my girlfriend who was my usual voice of reason and told her what happened.
Girlfriend: Oh man! That stinks!
Me: I know! It really does.
Girlfriend: But I know people who are really getting out of a relationship but live together and it gets complicated. My friend was going through a divorce and they were living together during that time while they were trying to settle. And she was dating other people and so was he. You don’t know if you even like him like that. I’m telling you give it time. You will have all the information you need in the next two weeks.
Me: I don’t even know if I like him like that.
Girlfriend: Exactly! Sometimes we take things to seriously. You’re dating. Collecting data!
I went to the gym and had an intense workout. The thing I appreciate about my gym time is it allows me to really think and sweat it out. Although I hate going to the damn gym by the time I leave after an intense workout I have a greater amount of clarity. When I left the gym that evening my spirit still didn’t feel easy. At the end of the day, this man was living with another woman. He needed to regroup and once the shit was over get back on the dating scene. And I get it. Neither one of us were expecting to meet each other. It’s such a Catch 22. If he had never called after our chance encounter I would have thought my sense of connection was off. He called, we went out, and he was completely honest with me (or so I think). Some women have the wear with all to date a man who is going through a break up. For me, I didn’t. Besides, bitches are crazy. Think back to the Bush Bitch (http://confessionsofaserialdaterinla.com/2013/01/the-bush-bitch-3/) I didn’t need to have anymore woman jumping out of a bush ready to fight because I was out with their man. And in that scenario I had no idea he had a girlfriend. In this scenario, he was “in the process” of ending a relationship with a live in girlfriend. This was too complicated. My girlfriend was right though. Within 2 weeks I had all the information I needed to know my decision to keep it moving was right. “Ron” texted me a few times after the date. You know the typical…Things have been so busy text.” I took it as code language for, “Me and my girlfriend are back together” or code language for “I know you’re not down with dating me until I get my shit together so I am going to gradually back off.” Either way, I didn’t respond and I decided to keep it moving.
But I did think about expectations when it comes to dating. When I met this great guy I expected that things would work out for the best because of how we met. I decided I needed to learn how to go with the flow more when it came to dating and just let the truth be revealed. At the end of the day, not every man we meet is going to be “the one.” Sometimes, I think we as woman are so hopeful or longing so much for companionship we do put these huge expectations on men and when they don’t live up to them we are disappointed and understandable so. But what would happen if we decided to let go of all of our expectations when we first start dating and go with each moment? After all aren’t expectations merely ways we protect ourselves from getting hurt? That doesn’t mean that we let go of our standards but we really let go of putting so much on these unsuspecting men. Do you think we would enjoy the process more? Just a thought…
©Monique Kelley and Confessions of A Serial Dater In LA, 2013-2019 Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Monique Kelley and Confessions of A Serial Dater In LA with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Copying my posts and changing some of the words is still plagiarism.