Am I Vain or Just Deserving?


Tamar loves her big man all the way to the bank… Why can’t I?

It’s a question I have often pondered.  And in some ways, yes I am VERY vain!  I will not leave the house without lip gloss and mascara even if I am just going to the grocery store.  I keep my bi weekly hair appointments.  If my hair isn’t done to perfection I will stay home.  The woman who does my waxing can probably pay her rent on just my treatments alone (lip, eyebrow, bikini, arms, and underarms).  If my jeans fit a little snug I will go on a two week diet until they are back to fitting just right.  I keep my nails done, I practically obsess over them.  If nail polish on one nail gets chipped I will do over my entire manicure(thank God for creating Gel Polish).   I make it a point to bleach my teeth quarterly.  So yes, I am vain.  I don’t apologize for it.  I am who I am.  Perhaps it is the Leo in me.  I strive for perfection in everything I do.  That being said when it comes to qualities in a man I date.  I want to be attracted to him.  I get that all men can’t look like Idris Elba, have the body of Duane “The Rock” Johnson, and the chiseled jaw line of Henry Cavill.  I have accepted that. I have also learned that it is okay to tweak my standards.  That doesn’t mean to lower them.  But instead of a man needing to be 6’5 and above, I can live with a man who is 5’11 1/2 feet and above.  He might not have a 6 pack and bulging muscles but at least he’s in shape.  Recently I took a chance and stepped outside my comfort zone and went out with a man who is overweight.  He’s tall, great smile, in his late 40’s and we have known each other for years.  He constantly flirted with me and I was like, “Okay Monique, give the man a chance.”  He’s an executive, makes great money, divorced, owns a home and is highly connected.  He’s also a lot of fun.  He’s not afraid of my smart ass mouth or my bossy demands.  He picks great restaurants to have dinner and I really enjoy his company.  The first time I went out with him.  We had a lot of witty banter.  He doesn’t drink, which is a throw off for me.  I don’t care what you say, when you are a drinker and the other person across the table is ordering cranberry juice, that can present a problem.  I feel judged when I am ordering my second glass of wine and I also know the other person is counting the number of drinks it takes before I get tipsy.  They are completely coherent and meanwhile, I am feeling a little good.  At one point during the dinner he crossed his arms and they settled perfectly on top of his round stomach.  I really tried not to look.  I tried to concentrate on the amazing conversation we were having.  However, my eyes kept getting drawn to the stomach.  It’s not a small little belly either.  It is a large stomach!  A freaking gut!  When I went to hug him I could feel his big belly pressing against my toned body.  I couldn’t help but wonder, how in the world Tamar Braxton could fuck Vince?  I called one of my friends who happens to be married and she went on and on about how she liked this guy and I should give him a chance.  That worrying so much about his weight is vain.  I find it funny how some of my married friends are quick to tell me how vain I am being because I am not necessarily attracted to a man physically.  She even went as far to say, “Guuuurl, Tamar Braxton can teach you a thing or two as she sits in that mansion.”  It made me wonder?  Do some married friends feel the anxiety of me possibly spending the rest of my life alone and would rather me settle for a man I am not physically attracted to than be alone?  Or am I truly being a vain snot?  If I spend time working on my body and making sure I appear presentable and fit, am I being shallow in expecting a man to be the same way?  If I couldn’t look at his belly when he was fully clothed wearing a sweater how in the hell could I look at it when he was butt ass naked?  Could I orgasm with a sweaty heavy set man heaving on top of me in the act of passionate love making?  Am I thinking too hard about this?  A few months later I went out with him again.  This time we ventured out to The Standard Hotel on Sunset.  This was slightly sentimental because I had my 25th Birthday bash there just 10 years prior.  I thought is this possibly a sign?  Was God trying to tell me something?  10 years later, 1 marriage down, 1 divorce down, and back to the dating world.  At least the man was tall and generous, and nice.  So I had a heart to heart with myself and I said, “Monique, stop bitch.  This man is tall, successful, and nice, he can put up with your smart ass mouth, he’s fun.  You can take him to the gym with you.  You’re next few dates can be long cardio walks on the beach, you can take him to the sand dunes.  Give this man a chance.  You’re 35, your ex husband was in shape and look where that got you.”  Two glasses of wine into the date he started to look better.  His jokes were even funnier.  And I began to feel a tingle of attraction.  He crossed his arms on his belly again and my inner diva cringed.  I ordered another glass of wine, he ordered the truffle macaroni and cheese.  He might not drink but clearly his vice was food.  I tried not to roll my eyes in disgust.  After all, he didn’t when I ordered another glass of wine.  The night came to an end and he walked me to the lobby and we sat down on one of those low couches.  I wrapped my arms around his big girth and he looked me in the eyes and it happened.  The kiss.  And it was uneventful flat and my insides did not quiver with anticipation.  I wasn’t sure if it was because I was visualizing him naked.  I wasn’t sure if it was because minutes earlier I witnessed him eat the truffle macaroni and cheese at warped speed.  But it wasn’t there.  I felt absolutely nothing.  I don’t know if I can get passed his size.  I’m not writing him off just yet.  It’s not like I can’t date other people. But this experience lead me to question at what point does a woman cross over from being selective with who she dates to being vain?  If a man has all the qualities you are looking for but you’re not physically attracted to him, does it make you vain to keep it moving?  Hmmmm…

Monique K.Bradley



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