I decided to bring you a 2 Part blog. Sometimes I just can’t get a story out in one post. Enjoy…
Since I launched this blog in January I have been asked quite a few times, “What made you start this blog?!” I ignore the times when people ask me this question with a look of horror and judgment. I secretly give them the finger and stick my tongue out at them like a child. But for the folks who genuinely are curious I tell them the story of my worse date ever…
In July of 2012 I decided to take a trip by myself to Maui. I was having an Eat, Pray, Love moment. I needed to get out of LA and just breathe. My divorce had just become final in January of that year. I felt like I never took the time to be by myself and just reflect on the last few years of my life. As you know, I spend a majority of my time travelling for my job. And one of the perks of all that travel is collecting hotel points and airline points. I booked my flight from LAX to Hawaii which cost me a total of $2.50. And then I booked my hotel, which cost me a total of $50. I only told one person where I was going just in case something happened. I left on a Thursday and tuned myself off to the outside world. My phone was off, I didn’t watch TV, and I didn’t speak to any family or friends for a total of 5 days. My mornings were spent in heavy mediation and journaling, my days were spent lounging by the pool having cocktails, and my nights were spent taking myself out to dinners. Needless to say, by the time I returned to the stratosphere, I felt renewed, rejuvenated, and healed. It was closure to the difficult chapter of my life. And I finally felt at peace and okay.
So I celebrated my renewal by meeting my girlfriends at Chaya Venice to tell them about the trip. Chaya Venice has one of the best happy hours in LA. It is always packed. While socializing with my girlfriends a gentleman walked in and asked if the seat next to me was taken. I was in a good mood so I decided to be “witty.” “It’s taken… but I will give you the privilege of sitting there.” He laughed at my humor and asked me what I was drinking. He knew the bartender well. And then he did what all single men should always do when they offer to buy a woman a drink and her girlfriends are standing there, he offered to buy them a drink as well (please note, this only applies to groups of 3 or less…. I’m not expecting you to buy drinks for a party of 10). “Jason” was a TV writer. He was originally from New York. “Jason” was NOT attractive at all. As a matter of fact the angle of his seat made it difficult to really get a sense of his looks. (Or maybe it was the fact I had a few too many cocktails since I had a designated driver that night). So I leaned over to my girl friend and asked her, ”Is he cute? I can’t tell.” Her response was to discreetly take her knife and point it in the direction of her half eaten steak skewer that was smothered in A1 sauce and say, “He looks similar to this.” My friends are just as ignorant as I am. And this is why I love them! We are all WIPs (works in progress). But as I had a few more cocktails his not so stellar looks were over shadowed by his sense of style. He had an east coast NYC vibe to him which exuded confidence. We talked about the show he was working on, jazz, art. It was a great convo. At the end of the evening when he was about to leave, I didn’t notice we had spent the last 2 hours just talking. I forgot my friends were even sitting there. He asked me for my number before he left. I was definitely not attracted to this guy physically. Most women who are of child bearing years will look at a man’s features and picture what their future children will look like. Usually when it comes to your future daughter you are even more selective about who you consider dating because if it turns into something and you marry the guy and have children, often times children get the features of the opposite sex parent. When he asked for my number, I looked at his features, his oversized nose, his too close together eyes, his soup cooler lips and imagined what he would look like as a little girl. My first thought was, “Hell no! Don’t give him the time of day. Run… Run… Think about your future children!” But then, with my newly rejuvenated fresh from Maui self, thought, I would go out with him. Not every relationship is meant for marriage. And I certainly would not risk mixing my good gene pool with anybody! I would never be serious with him. He would just be a guy I would hang out with for fun. If nothing else we could have a great friendship. Like men, women have two categories of men they date as well… The good time guy and the guy you take seriously. This man would certainly be the good time guy. With that, I gave him my number and quite frankly I could have cared less if he called me or not.
As fate would have it, he not only called me, but he sent me a text that evening, “It was great meeting you. I would love to finish our conversation over dinner. Are you free on Saturday? If so let’s meet at Luna Park at 8pm.” Even if I had planned on saying no, Luna Park was one of my favorite restaurants in LA. It was a spot that only true foodies knew about. They had great food, great drinks, and a hip east coast type atmosphere. I was actually impressed that he even knew about this spot.
So Saturday evening came and I was heading over to Luna Park. Of course I was running late (I really need to get better with that). I sent him a text message letting him know I was running 10 minutes behind. I had finally arrived at the valet at 8:10 on the dot. As I was getting out of my car I got a text message from “Jason.” I’m giving you another 5 minutes and then I’m bouncing. I have a 15 minute rule. Ummmm…. Huh? I walked into the restaurant and saw him at a corner booth. He was looking at his cell phone. I could see his not so great features from the light his cell phone gave off. My first reaction was to check him. But again, I was still in my Renewal Maui mode. When I got to the table he looked up from his phone.
Me: Ummmm…. Didn’t you get my text that I was running 10 minutes behind?
Jason: No I didn’t get it. I thought I was being stood up.
Me: One thing you need to know about me is I am a woman of my word. If I say I’m going to be somewhere I’m going to be there.
Jason: My bad. You look beautiful.
Flattery will get you everywhere in my book. The waiter came up to the table to get our orders and ironically he knew this waiter well too.
Me: Are you a food critic? You seem to know all the wait staff and bartenders wherever we go!
Jason: I just make it a point to know the people at the places I love to go.
I could appreciate that. They way a man treats the wait staff says a lot about who he is as a person. If he’s an asshole to a waiter, please know and believe he will be an asshole to you one day. From there the conversation ensued. Come to find out “Jason” had a 22 year old son who he hadn’t spoken to in over 2 years. When dating someone who has kids it is a very fine line in terms of the questions you should ask when you first start dating. But I was curious how a man goes without speaking to his son for 2 years. Seriously, you believe in treating wait staff with respect but you haven’t talked to your own damn son? But I didn’t want to be quick to judge.
Me: It must be hard to not speak to your son.
Jason: That little n**## pissed me off. He was staying with me and he didn’t know how to pick up after himself. Once I came home and caught his ass smoking weed in my house! When I told him that was unacceptable he went into this bullshit about how I wasn’t a father to him most of his life and I shouldn’t be telling him what to do. He said a bunch of other bullshit and I shipped his ass back to his mother’s house.
I know there had to be a bigger story to this. But I also knew I couldn’t cross the line.
Me: Do you think perhaps that was a cry for help?
Jason: Until he learns how to respect me I don’t have shit else to say to him.
I could tell he was getting very tense and his breathing was accelerated. So I changed the subject and kept it on neutral topics. And we got on the topic of art.
Jason: I’m into art. As a matter of fact I have an original Dali at my house.
Me: Bullshit! There’s no way in hell you have an original Salvador Dali piece of art work at your house.
Jason: No bullshit. I’m a collector. I invest my money in art.
I could appreciate he loved art and invested in it. However, Dali has the most forgeries of any living artist. If it is an original with a low number you could have a piece worth a couple thousand dollars, if not than not much. It’s not like he had the fucking Mona Lisa hanging up in his house. I was intrigued. The rest of the date was pretty chill. I made it a point to keep off the topic of his son, although it was certainly a red flag. But I could have cared less given the fact that I wasn’t trying to marry this guy. We went out a few days later and he took me to TH Little Door. And it was the same vibe. He knew the bartender very well. We had a bottle of Rose and dessert and it was cool. I appreciated how this man knew how to court. Then we got on the topic of upcoming birthday in a month.
Me: What are doing for your birthday?
Jason: I’m not sure yet. I’ll probably take a trip somewhere. Since this is a big one?
Me: A big one? Wait a minute… how old are you turning?
Jason: I don’t like to disclose my age.
Me: I thought you were 47.
Jason: No that’s what you guessed, I just didn’t correct you.
Me: So if your next birthday is a big one, then you must be turning 45.
Jason: No close… I’m turning 50.
Record screech to a halt! 50?! If you’re a regular reader of my blog, you know I like and appreciate older men. But 50? That’s was too damn old. 50 is also known as 10 years away from needing to take a pill to keep it up. And in 10 years, I will be in the middle of my sexual peek and have no intention of trying to entertain a wet noodle unless it’s in my pasta! I’m just saying. 46 is my max. That is 10 years older than me. 50? Oh no! That’s just not my speed.
Me: I had no idea you were 50.
Jason: What can I say? I work out.
Me: Why didn’t you correct me then?
Jason: Age is just a number.
Me: So now we’re quoting Aaliyah?
Jason: We just had a cool vibe.
We finished up our bottle of Rose. But again, I wasn’t trying to have a relationship with this man. I was enjoying hanging out with him and having great dinners. He walked me out to valet.
Jason: You’re awfully quiet.
Me: I’m just in deep thought.
Jason: Come on. Don’t let a few years between us get in the way. I’m enjoying my time with you.
Me: I just don’t like that you weren’t honest when we first met.
Jason: Mea culpa. That’s on me. Let me take you out on Saturday. I’ll make it up to you.
I had two choices. I could a) run for the hills. I wasn’t physically attracted to this man and the relationship wasn’t going anywhere or b) let him take me out to another great spot in LA. At the rate I was going I could be a food critic. I chose the latter. And that’s when the craziness ensued….
TO BE CONTINUED….
I was getting my hair ready for the summer. In addition to a cut I decided to go blonde for the summer. You know what they say, blondes have more fun! Many of you know, in addition to styling your hair, hairstylist are also therapists. Hairstylists in LA hold this town’s deepest and darkest secrets and know the Tea! While my hairstylist was putting the finishing touches on my haircut I had just finished telling him yet another dating disaster story. As he spun me around in the chair to take a final look at my slamming haircut we finished our conversation.
Hairstylist: Honey, you need to lower your expectations!
Me: What? Are you crazy? I will never lower my expectations ever again. I did that before and look where that got me! A divorce! Besides that the problem with women today. They have no standards and because of that men aren’t stepping up to the plate!
Hairstylist: No honey, I didn’t say lower your standards, I said lower your expectations. You always, place such high expectations on a guy when you are first dating them and when they don’t live up to them right away you either kick him to the curb or you are so disappointed…
I sat and stared at myself in the mirror. Once again, I have been getting so many perils of wisdom when I least expected it. I didn’t realize I was in a daze until my hairstylist snapped me out of it.
Hairstylist: Now, I know you aren’t about to tell me you don’t like it. This color is everything!
Me: Oh no! I love it. I was just thinking about what you said.
Hairstylist: Again, I’m not telling you to lower your standards but just lower those expectations, especially in the beginning.
I got in my car and realized it would take me too damn long to get over the hill at this hour so I decided to grab a drink at The Beverly Wilshire Hotel bar. I sat at a table, ordered a glass of Parker Station Pinot Noir. And it tasted so good. I was savoring every single sip. I kept thinking about what my hairstylist said… Lower your expectations not your standards… I thought about how I had dated up to this point in my life. He was probably right. I did expect a lot and for good reason. But perhaps I needed to change that. I recently went out with “Ron.” That’s the guy I met unexpectedly during my business dinner. (refer to blog post A Speedy Recovery- https://confessionsofaserialdaterinla.com/2013/04/a-speedy-recovery/) for the deets.
The day after I met “Ron” my girlfriend/colleague sent me a text message asking if it was okay that she give him my number. I said, “Hell yeah!” When I met him there was a definitive attraction. I thought he was fine as hell, smart, charming, funny and genuine. She absolutely could give him my number, cell phone number, social security number, hell just give him all my info! I’m such a mess! Within 5 minutes I got a text message from “Ron.”
Ron: So I met a new friend yesterday. The convo was cool. She seemed like good peeps. She’s also a friend of a friend/biz colleague. Do you know where I can find her? Please tell her “Ron” is trying to contact her. LOL!
That will forever go down as one of the sweetest endearing text I’ve received. So I responded
Me: You’re in luck. I just happened to bump into her. 🙂
Ron: Are you free tomorrow night? I would love meet up with you.
Me: I’m free after 7.
Ron: Cool. I’ll figure out a cool spot and I’ll see you then.
Now this was off to a nice start. I was anticipating meeting “Ron” and here I was going out with him the next night. By the way, just a side note, I recently went on a diatribe in a former post about married friends who say, “You’ll meet the right one when you’re not looking.” In this situation, I WAS looking. I made it a point to put myself out there as most single women should do. Did I happen to meet a man in a place where I didn’t expect it? Yes. But at the end of the day, as a single gal, I’m always looking. I just felt the need to clarify. As you can tell that’s one of those topics I feel strongly about. Anyway, I digressed. I was really excited about going out with “Ron.” We decided to meet at this new spot in the valley Page 71 Lounge around 9pm. So I got to the spot around 9:12. Looked around and didn’t see “Ron.” I decided to find a spot to sit since it was getting crowded. Fifteen minutes later I get a text from “Ron.”
Ron: Sorry I am running behind. Got caught up with the family. I’m in route.
What the fuck does “in route” mean? Does that mean you’re in your car heading over? OR does that mean you’re just now walking out the door. I was so annoyed. I thought to order a glass of wine while I waited but decided against it. Why in the hell would I spend money on a date that I might possible be leaving before he got there? With each passing minute my annoyance got greater. I looked at my phone and saw it was now 9:30. This man was 30 minutes late! I texted my girlfriend and told her what was going on. Her response was, ”Give him another 10 minutes. If he doesn’t show up by then leave. He should have been there waiting for you to come in not the other way around. Don’t leave yet.” I looked around the spot and perhaps it was just me feeling paranoid but there was a group of 3 women sitting across from me hanging out and I felt like they were staring at me like, “This bitch got stood up!” My phone buzzed and I saw it was a text from “Ron.”
Was it too much for me to expect that a man be on time for a damn date? Finally “Ron” walked in. I had to calm down my inner diva who wanted to smack the shot out of him. Instead I looked at my wrist like I was tapping my watch.
Ron: I am so sorry I am late. I don’t get together with my family often ad every time I was trying to leave they kept holding me up.
Me: Those ladies over there probably thought I was getting stood up!
Ron: Well I will spend the entire night making them jealous (he gave me the warmest tightest hug). What can I get you to drink?
Me: I’ll just have a glass of Sauvignon Blanc.
Ron went to bar to get our drinks. Okay, my nerves were slowly starting to calm down after seeing him. Besides that hug was nice and he was looking good. He skin was looking extra chocolate and delectable. And when I hugged him I smelled a slight hint of a nice cologne. I love a man that knows how to pick out a good cologne. He came back with my Sauvignon Blanc and a beer for himself. “Ron” was such a… man. He was masculine and confident. I learned a lot about him. He was 42, divorced, and he had a daughter. I can appreciate a man who has children from a former marriage and not just some random woman he was fucking at the time. He was very open about his marriage and what went wrong. But most of all he talked a lot about his love for his daughter. Which made him even more attractive. One of the things about dating a man who has been married before is they have a clearer understanding of what they are looking for in relationships. He also asked me a lot about myself. Lately on dates I noticed a lot of men had a case of diarrhea of the mouth. They will tell me a bunch of shit about themselves but never bother asking me any questions about me. So I was enjoying the dialogue between the two of us. But something in my spirit wasn’t feeling right. In the past, I would ignore this feeling one because I wasn’t as much in tune with myself then as I am now or two because I really didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to be disappointed. But it was something you had to do. So I went for it.
Me: Ron, you seem like such a cool guy. You also seem very clear in what you are looking for when it comes to relationships. Do you have a girlfriend?
“Ron” took a long pause and took a sip of his beer.
Ron: Well actually I’m just getting out of something.
Me: Interesting. What does that mean?
Ron: I was in a relationship but we are in the process of ending it.
Me: In the process of ending it? What exactly does “in the process” of ending it mean? Do you two live together?
These are the times when I hate being a “grown-up.” Sometimes living in ignorance is a good thing. That bitch we call Reality loves to fuck with me! It’s her personal mission to ruin my love life!
Ron: We do. But she’s moving out in two weeks.
Picture the air slowly being let out of a balloon that is exactly what I felt like. Deflated. “Ron” could tell I was disappointed.
Ron: Look I wasn’t expecting to meet you the other day. But I met you and I was interested and I wanted to get to know you. I hadn’t planned on meeting someone like you but I did and I didn’t want to wait.
I took a deep breath and took a second to take in what he was telling me. A lot of times, I am quick to rush to judgment. Or “check” a man he falls short of my… expectations. But this time I didn’t want to react right away. I just needed a second to receive the information.
Me: Well first, let me say I appreciate your honesty. I think it would be foolish for me to expect that you weren’t seeing anyone else. And I get it. I wasn’t expecting to meet anyone that night either and I think you’re cool. I just need some time to process this info and decide what I’m going to do.
I didn’t realize how much time had went by until the lights were coming on. I looked at my phone and it was 2:30 in the morning.
Ron: I guess it’s time for us to head out.
Me: I guess so.
Ron: I’ll walk you to your car.
As we stood up to walk out, out of the blue “Ron” gave me a kiss. I pulled back and was having a slight inner war in my head between my intelligent self and my inner diva. I had to remind myself of what this man just told me. Damn! As “Ron” opened the door for me he looked at me.
Ron: I hope that I can still get to know you.
Me: You gave me a lot to think about.
The next day my girlfriends were all waiting with anticipation to find out how my date with the mystery man went. I called my girlfriend who was my usual voice of reason and told her what happened.
Girlfriend: Oh man! That stinks!
Me: I know! It really does.
Girlfriend: But I know people who are really getting out of a relationship but live together and it gets complicated. My friend was going through a divorce and they were living together during that time while they were trying to settle. And she was dating other people and so was he. You don’t know if you even like him like that. I’m telling you give it time. You will have all the information you need in the next two weeks.
Me: I don’t even know if I like him like that.
Girlfriend: Exactly! Sometimes we take things to seriously. You’re dating. Collecting data!
I went to the gym and had an intense workout. The thing I appreciate about my gym time is it allows me to really think and sweat it out. Although I hate going to the damn gym by the time I leave after an intense workout I have a greater amount of clarity. When I left the gym that evening my spirit still didn’t feel easy. At the end of the day, this man was living with another woman. He needed to regroup and once the shit was over get back on the dating scene. And I get it. Neither one of us were expecting to meet each other. It’s such a Catch 22. If he had never called after our chance encounter I would have thought my sense of connection was off. He called, we went out, and he was completely honest with me (or so I think). Some women have the wear with all to date a man who is going through a break up. For me, I didn’t. Besides, bitches are crazy. Think back to the Bush Bitch (https://confessionsofaserialdaterinla.com/2013/01/the-bush-bitch-3/) I didn’t need to have anymore woman jumping out of a bush ready to fight because I was out with their man. And in that scenario I had no idea he had a girlfriend. In this scenario, he was “in the process” of ending a relationship with a live in girlfriend. This was too complicated. My girlfriend was right though. Within 2 weeks I had all the information I needed to know my decision to keep it moving was right. “Ron” texted me a few times after the date. You know the typical…Things have been so busy text.” I took it as code language for, “Me and my girlfriend are back together” or code language for “I know you’re not down with dating me until I get my shit together so I am going to gradually back off.” Either way, I didn’t respond and I decided to keep it moving.
But I did think about expectations when it comes to dating. When I met this great guy I expected that things would work out for the best because of how we met. I decided I needed to learn how to go with the flow more when it came to dating and just let the truth be revealed. At the end of the day, not every man we meet is going to be “the one.” Sometimes, I think we as woman are so hopeful or longing so much for companionship we do put these huge expectations on men and when they don’t live up to them we are disappointed and understandable so. But what would happen if we decided to let go of all of our expectations when we first start dating and go with each moment? After all aren’t expectations merely ways we protect ourselves from getting hurt? That doesn’t mean that we let go of our standards but we really let go of putting so much on these unsuspecting men. Do you think we would enjoy the process more? Just a thought…
Every once in a while someone will say something to me that makes me go, Hmmmm…” I find these moments are happening more often these days. I am not sure if it is because I am more in tune with myself right now and noticing things I might have missed back in the day or if people have just gone stone cold crazy. But either way, I have been experiencing the case of the Hmmmm’s more often than not. Recently I told a few of my married guy friends (MGF) that I was ready to date seriously. The greatest untapped resource for a single girl is their married guy friends (MGF) who have single friends. Now let me elaborate on this. First of all in order for me to be friends with any married man, I know their wives and they know me. This is a MUST in my book. You never want to make a wife feel uncomfortable with you. It’s a respect thing. This also goes to the guys I knew before they were married. Once they got serious with their now wives, the communication becomes a three way conversation. For instance:
ME: How’s everything going?
MGF: All is well.
Me: How’s “Dina” tell her I said hello.
MGF: She’s great. Will do.
You always want to make sure the wife is an active part of your conversation out of respect. I figured I would reach out to my MGF’s, the successful ones that have their shit together and give them my criteria. I had nothing to lose. You know like attracts like. A man who has his shit together isn’t going to associate with losers… at least they shouldn’t. So one of my MGF stepped up to the plate. He did a Facebook introduction to “Darren” a 48 year old advertising executive in NYC. Darren had never been married before. Major side eye). Typically a man who hits 42 and above and has never been married has major issues. I looked at a few of “Darren’s” pictures and I wasn’t necessarily attracted to him. But there was a certain amount of swag and confidence that permeated through his pictures. You can always tell a boss type man. He definitely had that feel to him. He immediately called me and we spoke on the phone. Surprisingly his voice didn’t match his look. Now keep in mind I was just going based off of his Facebook pictures that I had seen. In his Facebook pictures “Darren” was rocking tailor made suits. But over the phone he sounded… how can I say this… Fuck it I’ll just say it. He sounded HOOD! Straight up ghetto! You would never have guessed he graduated from Columbia University. I was slightly turned off. I’m not looking to date Carlton Banks from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. But damn, this man sounded like he had just been released from a state prison. Certainly my MGF couldn’t have gotten it all wrong. When he told me about him he said, “This brotha is a solid dude. He has his shit together and he would appreciate a woman like you.” Note to self, next time I decided to get a hook up through one of my MGF’s I need to make sure he is vetted through his wife. Men often overlook the foolishness of their boys as a guy code where women will be honest and say, “Oh hell no, they would never work out!” But I decided to go ahead and give this brotha a chance. You know my new motto. I have nothing to lose. Ironically “Darren” had a business meeting in LA that following week. So we decided to meet that following Friday afternoon for drinks at The Montage in Beverly Hills. An afternoon date is perfect. I could always use the excuse I had diner plans if it was a train wreck. So that Friday afternoon I found myself walking into the bar at The Montage. It was hot as hell that day so I settled on a short and flowly pink dress with some super tall wedges. Since this was somewhat of a blind date I was curious to see if he would pass my height test. When I walked into the bar I spotted him sitting down in the corner checking emails on his phone. He was wearing a pair of sweatpants a t-shirt and a jean jacket. WTF? Are you fucking kidding me? I had a sudden urge to turn around and run. But that urge was killed when my stomach growled. I was hungry as hell! So I walked up to him:
Me: Hi Darren.
“Darren” stood up and went to give me a hug. “Darren” had to be a good 5’5. I was towering over his short ass like a beast. I think he had to go on his tippy toes to even give me a hug.
Darren: My, my, my, you look even better in person. What’s up?
Me: Nothing. I see you dressed up for the occasion.
Darren: (laughing) I’m in chill mode, you know how that goes.
Me: I see.
The waiter couldn’t come fast enough to bring me a glass of wine. I order a nice glass of Sancerre wine. “Darren” was loud and even more ghetto in person. How the fuck could this man be an advertising executive acting that simple? You know how you have those moments when you are out on a date and you look around and the other patrons look at you like, What is that beautiful woman doing with this clown? Well that’s how I felt.
Darren: How tall are you?
Me: 5’8 without heels with heels I can go from 5’11-6’3 depending on my mood.
Darren: Yeah, I like tall women.
Darren: It’s a good look. It cracks me up when I’m out with a tall woman and other tall guys try to hate.
ME: Try to hate? How?
Darren: They be like, “Why you out with that short n****?”
Darren: But that shit don’t bother me. I be like she my woman.
Me: Well okay!
Darren: Besides shorter men make more money than taller men.
This was actually getting amusing. I decided to indulge this clown. Only so I could have material to write for my blog (the things I do for my readers) J
Me: They do? Why is that Darren?
Darren: Because we got to work harder. Tall men don’t have to work as hard.
Now when a short man makes a comment like this, you already know they have an issue with their height and that shows straight up insecurity. What a clown. I had to speak to my inner diva, Don’t roll your eyes. Just humor this fool! Don’t be a bitch. And damn it, try not to be too damn bourgeois! I agreed with my inner diva with everything but the Bourgeois part. Yeah I’m bourgeois as hell. I don’t apologize for it and I will not pretend to be anyone else. I ordered another glass of wine. “Darren” and I got on the topic of relationships.
Me: So Darren, I’m just curious. Why have you never been married?
Darren: I wasn’t ready. I was working on my career.
Me: Do you typically date women your age or younger?
Darren: I date women anywhere from 25-40.
Me: 25?! But you’re damn near 50. What do would you have in common with a 25 year old?
Darren: You’d be surprised. These 25 year olds know what they want more than some of these late 30’s GABS.
Me: GABS? What’s that?
Darren: You never heard of GABS?
Me: Um…. No.
I took a swig of my wine. Last time a man used an acronym on a date he hit me with the GRP (Golden Rod Of Power… refer to: https://confessionsofaserialdaterinla.com/2013/04/the-golden-state/). I wasn’t sure if I could handle another ignorant comment without going to jail for violence!
Me: What is GAB?
Darren: Gray Area Bitches.
Record screech to a halt! Did this man just use the B word? Now granted I use it all the time. Usually as a term of endearment (I’m a WIP: Work in Progress). But when a man says and on the first date it’s downright ignorant. So I decided to give him a chance to redeem himself.
Me: I’m sorry, could you repeat that?
Darren: (un-phased) Grey Area Bitches.
I gave him the biggest side eye ever.
Darren: Oh my bad. I didn’t mean to be disrespectful.
Me: Well what the hell does it mean?
Darren: Let me break it down. Usually when a woman hits her late 30’s she is successful. She is travelling the world and enjoying life. Lots of times they aren’t sure if they really want to get married. They might decide to just have a baby with some random n**** or go to a sperm bank and create a baby with a turkey baster. But they don’t know if they want a husband because they worry their lives will change and a man will come in and try to shut that down. It usually happens for a woman when she hits 36 so you got another year.
Me: That’s the most ignorant shit I have ever heard in my life.
Darren: It’s true. Just sit back and watch. Now that I have told you this, you’re going to be talking to one of your girls and it’s going to hit you. This bitch is a GAB!!!
Darren started cracking up. As he laughed I looked at his ugly face and thought this short little shrimp thinks he’s the shit because he has money. Perhaps he dated too many video vixens in NYC. But I couldn’t stand to be there another second. I abruptly got up.
Darren: Where you going baby?
ME: I forgot, I… Um… I have to pick my friend up from the airport. I’ll give you a call later.
I high tailed my ass out of The Montage. I didn’t realize I was practically sprinting until I tripped on the carpet in the Lobby. When I got home later on that evening I was left to wonder, about the GAB. How many other men had this same theory? Why were women who were successful being made to feel like their success was preventing them from getting a quality guy? Why is it okay for a man to say he was focusing on his career and that was why his simple ass hadn’t been married yet, but when a woman says the same thing she is looked at like a circus freak? Did men not realize we want a real relationship but just weren’t settling? Did they really want a girl who was younger and confused and didn’t know what they wanted? Was I now reaching the age where some men would think 35+ is too old for them? At the end of the day, in my 20’s I was so busy trying to be the person I am now. I admit it, back then I read Why Men Love Bitches, Why Men Marry Bitches, The Rules, etc. Looking back on it, the books were absolute and total bullshit. However, they pretty much emphasize having a life of your own and not giving everything up to be with a guy. And teach women dating “strategies.” Whereas now, because I have a busy career and active social life I don’t have to make shit up to “Seem” busy and “elusive.” I simply am. Any man that comes into my life will have to enhance it and add to it. Not put me in some little box because he is an insecure short Simpleton (my mother’s favorite word). That doesn’t make me a damn GAB. That makes me a women who is finally confident in who I am, what I desire, and what I need and deserve. Perhaps we are GAB’s. Greatly Anticipating the Best. Because at the end of the day, that’s what we deserve. We should enjoy our hard earned success and not be made to feel like it is a burden. At the end of the day, most successful women want to leave their offices and board rooms and be treated like a Princess at home. So guess what. I will continue to be a GAB if that means I am not settling for the okey doke!
This week has been a doozy! You know how you have one of those weeks where everything and everyone just pisses you off and you feel alone and lonely. This week was the epitome of it. I was in a bad place and didn’t know how to shake myself out of it. I knew it was bad when someone cut me off on the highway not only did I cuss them out, “You stupid bitch!” But I followed them! I was a lunatic on wheels. Luckily for them and me they were able to dodge me! I knew when I was feeling like this I had to take extra care of myself and literally go into hiding until I was able to shake it off. I went to my acupuncturist and each needle that was placed in emotional points I screamed in pain. She was like, “What is going on with you? You’re energy is off. I need you to come twice a week for a while so we can balance you out again.” So I retreated to my home and just allowed myself to be alone and let any emotion I was having come up and deal with the shit. I took much needed “me” time. Sometimes you’re taught to push down your emotions and not allowed to be in a bad place. People make you think that if you’re not happy all the time and in a good mood then something is wrong. Well damn it, sometimes its okay for a gal to have a moment, be down in the dumps and just stay there until you’re ready to come out of it. By Sunday, I was beginning to feel like myself again.
I realized my mood was triggered by some feelings about the ex (the constant foolery seemed to never come to an end), my current dating situations, or lack there of, and just the scary thought… “What if I NEVER meet Mr. Right? What if I end up alone forever?” I was beginning to emerge back to the land of the living so I took a nice Sunday stroll to the Farmers Market to pick up my flowers for the week. As I took my stroll it was 85 degrees in LA, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and the flowers were extra vibrant. I made myself a great dinner, and I cracked open a nice bottle of wine and sat on my couch and got ready to watch some good Reality TV. There’s nothing like watching pure foolery to realize your life isn’t as bad as you thought it was. That’s when my cell phone rang. When I looked at the screen I saw it was “Malachi.” A part of me smiled because “Malachi” was a man who I really liked. The other part of me rolled my eyes in utter annoyance. I was just beginning to get back on track emotionally. I had two choices. I could a) answer the phone and be annoyed or b) ignore the call because “Malachi” had shown me who he was. Decisions… Decisions… Decisions… Let me catch you up to speed on the good Doctor “Malachi.”
I met “Malachi” a few months ago when I was home for Christmas vacation. He was a 41 year old Oncologist. He was recently divorced and had an 8 year old son and a thriving practice. Ironically we discovered we both went to the same college. When we met there was an instant connection. He was handsome as hell, smart, driven, funny, charming, and sexy. The man was the complete package. He called me the day after we met and asked me out for lunch the following day. When I walked into the restaurant and saw him sitting there I got nervous! Me. Nervous! Literally my stomach was doing butterflies. I had changed my outfit at least 3 times before I got there. This was a feeling that was new to me. I go out on dates all the time. But with this guy I was nervous in a good way. When he hugged me I could smell his cologne. Eww weee! My inner diva did cartwheels all throughout the restaurant. When the waiter came to take our order I decided to hold off on having a glass of wine. Instead I ordered a sparkling water. I wanted to be fully present for this date (another first for me). The conversation just flowed. When I got over my initial nervousness and allowed myself to enjoy the date it was effortless. We stayed in the restaurant for a good 3 hours. Then we went to the mall and finished up our Christmas shopping, then we went to a movie, and after the movie we sat in his car and just talked. Before I knew it, it was 2 in the morning. We literally had a 10 hour date. He drove me to my car and waited with me while it warmed up. I forgot how your windows freeze on the east coast in the winter. He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. It was a great first date. We went out two more times while I was home for the holidays. And the last night he finally gave me a kiss. It was a good one too, passionate yet respectable. I was floating on air. Me and the fine ass Doctor. I thought he was different than any other guy I have been out with. It just felt right. When I got to LA we continued to talk on the phone. When we originally met he mentioned he was going to be in LA for a wedding the following month and I also knew I would be on the east coast for work quite a bit so it was a win-win situation. I waited for him to tell me the details of when he would be in LA. When two weeks passed and he didn’t mention it I asked him.
Me: When are you coming to LA for the wedding?
Malachi: I’m not sure if I am going to come. I sent them a gift. But I am going to try to make it out here soon. I have a few people out there I need to see.
Me: Okay. Well let me know.
Malachi: For sure. We’ll talk soon.
Record screeched to a halt. We’ll talk soon. What the fuck did that mean?! There were a few things wrong with this conversation. First of all, he should have been making plans to get his black ass out to LA immediately to see me. Also, what did he mean, “I have a few people out there I need to see.” What the fuck did that mean?! And the final knockout blow to my ego, “We’ll talk soon.” What the hell? I hung up perplexed, confused, and wondering if perhaps the connection I felt with him was one sided. It wouldn’t be the first time I was off. I decided to pull back and just go with the flow and see what happened. “Malachi” continued to call me. We continued to have great conversations.
He never did make his way out to LA for the wedding. I noticed a pattern developing with him. Whenever we would have deep conversation he wouldn’t call for a few days. Whenever I let go and connected with him he would pull back. I had no idea what the hell we were doing. So I stopped returning his calls for a while. And then he would start blowing up my phone. I had a business trip back east planned and we made plans to see each other. We met for dinner at a great Italian restaurant. I still had the butterflies when I saw him. He sat next to me during dinner and held my hand. I felt like we had established a good friendship up to this point. But I still had no idea what we were doing. So instead of playing the Guess What The Hell He Wants game I decided to have a grown folk conversation with him.
Me: I’m trying to figure out what we are doing here. I like you and I think you’re a cool guy. But I’m not sure what you’re looking for.
Malachi: I like you to. I think you’re cool and I want to get to know you more. You’re smart, beautiful, and you went to the best university on the planet.
Me: That’s good to know. I just need to know where you are coming from.
Malachi: I hear you. And I want to get to know you as well.
Me: If you want to b friends that’s fine, but I don’t kiss my friends.
Malachi: I don’t want us to just be friends.
What a relief. So after that date. I thought there was a clear understanding of where we were going and what he was looking for. And of course like clockwork he went MIA. To be honest I didn’t think it was another woman. I just think he had gone through such a crappy divorce that he had baggage. It was something I could certainly relate to. But it was getting ridiculous. To be honest, I was getting exhausted of the up down roller coaster ride with him. I hated holding back and having to play these games. So when we spoke again I was just very frank with him.
Me: Malachi, I feel like you have this wall up and I’m not exactly sure how to handle it.
Malachi: Am I that emotionally fucked up?
Me: I’m not saying you’re emotionally fucked up. But I do think you are holding back. I don’t even think you are doing it consciously. But whenever we connect you put a wall up. And I can only do this for so long before I am done and when I’m done I’m done.
Malachi: Maybe you’re right. But you gotta give me a chance. I’ll work on it. If you had a cousin who was mentally off and he didn’t know how to hold a fork would you stop talking to him or would you help him to learn how to pick up his fork.
“Malachi’s” sense of humor is what attracted me to him but at that moment I Wanted to take a fork and poke his eyes out. I was trying to works with the brotha. In the past I was so quick to run for the hills. But there was something about him that made me want to work with him.
Malachi: I’m just saying. I’ll work on it. I didn’t realize I was doing that. By the way, I’m coming out to LA soon.
Me: Good! Finally!
I hung up the phone and it felt like we had made progress. We started communicating regularly and I was feeling like we had turned a new leaf. Things were going really well until he pissed me off… again. I tell you I am exhausted even writing about this foolishness. It was a Friday night and I went to my neighborhood spot to have a cocktail and unwind after a long work week. I happened to be on the phone with “Malachi.”
Malachi: It’s loud all of a sudden where are you?
Me: One of my favorite neighborhood spots having a glass of wine.
Malachi: Well have fun. Take someone home with you!
Long awkward pause…
Me: I’m going to talk to you later.
With that I hung up the phone. I was done. What the fuck was he thinking? A few minutes later I get a text from “Malachi.”
I appreciate all of your support.
I ignored it. And then he sent me another text.
Go home alone! LOL!
I ignored it. The worse thing a woman can do outside of texting drunk is texting when a man has pissed you the fuck off. So I took a few hours and I sent him a text back.
You are a piece of work. Have a nice life.
I already knew what was going to happen. I knew he would call me the next day and feel me out and try to figure out if I was pissed or not. Of course I called my girlfriends and the consensus was that statement was bullshit. It’s like was purposefully trying to push me away. So the next day he called. I answered and was very dry. He knew I was pissed. Did this man say, “I’m sorry. I took the joke too far.” Nope he just talked like everything was okay. So finally I told him I was busy and I hung up. He called me two days later.
Malachi: Hey how are you?
Me: I have to be honest you really pissed me the fuck off the other day.
Malachi: I know I did and I apologize.
Me: I’m letting you know right now. You have cashed your last check. I already told you when I’ done. I’m done. I’m really trying to work with you but you’re making it hard.
Malachi: I knew I went too far. My bad.
I was exhausted from this relationship. And I use the term “relationship” loosely. And of course this all happened around the time when I was already in a shitty place to begin with. Here’s the thing. When a man is into you he’s into you. Here I was dealing with a man who was 3000 miles away and he couldn’t even act like he had an inkling of sense?! I began to get it. I was safe for “Malachi.” He could call me when he was bored and shoot the shit. I do believe there was a connection and who knows what would have happened if I lived on the east coast. But this was bullshit and I knew it. I am a 35 year old woman. I would be a fool to think that I can make an emotionally unavailable man change. When he’s ready and open to be in a relationship and open up perhaps if I am still available and single we could work. But at this point I recognized this was pure absolute unadulterated bullshit and I had to protect myself and my heart. I was just beginning to feel like me again. My acupuncturist put those needles in the right points and my energy was feeling normal again. My walk to the farmer’s market put me at peace. And I was serious when I said I would no longer date a man that was not what I needed. Emotional Availability was at the top of my A List. I had discussed with “Malachi” how I was feeling. I wasn’t in the mood to revisit it. To be honest, you can tell a man until you’re blue in the face what you need and what you desire. But if they aren’t willing or able to do it then you have to walk away. Or else, you will drive yourself over the edge with frustration because deep down inside you know you are not getting what you need. I was married to a man who didn’t give me what I needed and I thought eventually things would change. And it didn’t. And I was frustrated with myself for staying in a relationship and marriage with a man who didn’t, wouldn’t, and couldn’t give me what I needed. I believe “Malachi” was a test. And as I sat on my couch looking at my phone with his name on the screen this was the final part of the test. So what did I do? I hit ignore. Put the phone down and continued having my glass of wine. I knew I made the right decision when “Malachi” didn’t even leave message. You see, I know that when I meet “the one” things will feel right. I won’t question how a man feels about me, or feel like he isn’t honoring me. I will know it and he will show it. Just like my acupuncturist gave me the order to come to her twice a week for a while. I was giving myself a prescription. If shit didn’t feel right you must keep it moving. And I was planning on sticking with that order. I knew if I did I would eventually find my way to a healthy relationship.
Things were really going well with me and “Todd.” He wasn’t necessarily my type in the looks department. He had an odd-shaped head. And call me silly but you know how some people have thick looking teeth. You know those teeth that look like they are too big for a person’s mouth. But he was tall, had great hair, and he seemed like he had his shit together. He was 46 but looked like he was in his late 30’s. He went to an HBCU which was always a plus especially in LA. He was originally from the east coast, which was a super-duper plus. He was in Pharmaceutical Sales and we met through a mutual friend. I really wasn’t interested in him at first because something about him just didn’t do it for me. I couldn’t put my finger on it. But I wanted to do things differently and give the guy a chance. At first he suggested meeting for lunch. I nipped that shit in the bud. I don’t do first date mid-week lunches. First of all during the day I am still in work mode and can’t switch it off easily. Lunch dates are reserved for men that I have had several dates with already. So he suggested meeting at the Firefly for drinks. That is always a great first date. If you realize that you have nothing in common with a guy you don’t have to sit through a full meal or text one of your girlfriends to call you with the “fake” emergency call. When I arrived I could tell he was a little nervous. I found that attractive. There is something so cute when you can tell a guy is really attracted to you. The conversation flowed. We talked a lot about the east coast. Come to find out although he had a full-time job he was an actor. YUCK!!!! Being in LA you meet so many out of work actors. And my first thought was, really? You’re damn near fifty, if it hasn’t happened for you; it’s not going to happen. However, I gave him the exception because he was pursuing acting in addition to having a full-time 9-5. I could respect that because at least he was getting a pay check. And understood the concept “In addition to…” He had a daughter in her early 20’s AND a granddaughter. Although I didn’t want to go there, my mind immediately went to the idea if I ended up with this guy, not only was I inheriting a 20+ step daughter but my young cute self would also inherit a granddaughter; kind of a turn off but a reality if I chose to continue dating these older “wiser” men. Then we had our second date. This date will forever go in the books as one of my favorite dates. He picked me up and he looked really nice. It was Saturday early evening in August. So the weather was perfect. We went to the beach and watched the sunset and just talked about everything. I felt like I was really getting to know him. I wasn’t thinking about the future and if he was husband material but I was just in the moment with a nice guy that I seemed to have things in common with. From the Sunset beach he took me to one of my favorite restaurants. Hal’s Bar and Grill in Venice. And then we ended the night at The W Hollywood laughing at all the wannabe’s in the lobby bar. We sat down and he put his arms around me and it felt really nice. We met for coffee a few days later. It was the first time in a really long time I was out with a guy consistently. We made it a point to not get sexual. Which is a good thing because it forces both people to be level-headed. Then he had the ultimate test, introduction to my closest friends at a Labor Day BBQ. That always brings a lot of anxiety because if the guy is up underneath me the whole time its annoying and if he wasn’t social and good with my inner circle of friends it would never work. You see my California inner circle of friends and I went to Hampton University together. We are all imports in California. We are truly a family. We argue, we laugh, and we support each other. And if they do not like the guy in my life then he might as well change his number and fall off a cliff. BUT “Todd” fit right in. He was able to hold his own conversation with the fellas. He also seemed like he knew my friends for years. Just like our dates, his introduction to the inner circle was seamless. A few days later me and my friends were meeting at one of our favorite brunch locations with bottomless Mimosas (The Hudson). I invited “Todd.” He left such a lasting impression on my friends that they insisted I invite him to the brunch. It had been years, literally years since I brought a new guy around my inner circle. And I have to admit it was nice to bring a date around. As me and “Todd” were walking into The Hudson it occurred to me that there was going to be a large group of people at the brunch and I hated the confusion that brought when the bill came. So I told “Todd” as we were walking in that we should ask for a separate bill. The conversation went like this.
Me: I realized we should ask the waiter for a separate check since there are so many people I don’t want us to have to deal with the drama of splitting a very large bill.
Todd: Okay cool… Um… Do you mind if we split the bill?
Me: (applying a fresh coast of lip gloss) No we don’t need to split it because we are going to get our check separately.
Todd: No I understand that part, but do you mind if you and I split the bill?
Me: (realization sinks in, look at Todd like he has two heads, blink ) Um…. Okay…
So we proceed into The Hudson. And I have various calming meditations in my head so that I do not play him in front of a group of people. I happened to find the waiter when I was on my way to the bathroom and discreetly give him my credit card and charged the whole thing to my card. We already had plans for him to come to my house 2 days later for me to cook him dinner for the first time. I had a mind to cancel but I decided to still have him over. Now let’s state the facts. The issue is not about me paying for the bill. The issue is how he did it. Had I not asked him ahead of time, was he planning on asking me in front of my friends?! Secondly we just started dating we were still in the courting phase so for him to have done something so tacky so early on says a lot. I have never had an issue paying for a meal for a guy. However, I am a little old fashioned. When I offer to pay, he should be damn near offended. This man is close to 50 and I realized that he was broke! And I’ll be damned if I dated an old ass broke man who is tacky. Now I decided to do things differently this time. Instead of cutting him off without notice I decided to have a grown up conversation with him about just to be fair. I mean we had been out several times. I enjoyed his company and I needed to figure out what was going on in his oddly shaped head! So the next day he came over to my house and I cooked him an amazing dinner. I believe I went all out just to make a damn point! As we were having dessert I decided to broach the topic.
Me: There has been something on my mind and I have struggled with whether or not I was going to bring this up. But I figured you are a cool guy and I wanted to me honest with you. You threw me off the other day when we were going into the Hudson and you asked to split the bill. (pause for reaction, an inclination that he’s getting what I’m saying)
Todd: Yeah. What was the problem?
Me: I do not have a problem paying for the bill on a date. However, the way you did it was kind of tacky. What if I hadn’t asked you before we went in about separating the bill? What would you have done when the bill came in front of my entire group of friends?
Todd: I would have asked you how you wanted to handle it.
Me: SO… you see nothing wrong with being out with my friends and asking me to pay for half the bill in front of them and we just started dating?
Todd: (with a slight attitude) No. Are you saying you expect me to always pay for the bill when we go out?
Me: No that’s not what I am saying. And if you recall I paid for our coffee. But that’s not the point. What I am saying is you and I have just started dating and you are courting me and that would not have been a good look.
Todd: Has a man NEVER asked you to pay for half the bill?
Me: Actually, no. The times when I have paid for a date, the men I am out with are usually VERY uncomfortable with that. As a matter of fact I have had to either sneak paying the bill or begged to pay. But no, I have never had a man who I am just beginning to date ASK me to pay or half the bill especially in front of my friends.
Todd: Well you’re one lucky woman because I see nothing wrong with that.
(long awkward pause)
Me: Well let me ask you this, was you asking me to pay half because you couldn’t afford to pay for it?
Todd: (long pause) Kind of… Yes…
Me: Well why did you agree to go? You shouldn’t have come if that was the case.
Todd: Well I guess you’re right.
(even longer awkward pause)
Me: Clearly we both need some time to marinate on this.
Todd: I agree.
I decided that would be our last conversation. It wasn’t a bitter “I hate your guts” type of thing but I realized we were on two different pages. Here’s the issue at hand:
1- He saw nothing wrong with the possibility of embarrassing me in front of my friends.
2- He didn’t understand that we were still in the early stages of dating and as a man he should not have asked me to pay for half. It’s one thing if I offered to pay for half or even if we had been dating for a while and we had this discussion waaaaaaay before we left for The Hudson.
3- If a man is close to 50 and his financial situation is suspect and he can’t afford a $65 brunch for two, damn it we have a problem!
4- If you are short on cash. Be creative about the dates. Let’s do a picnic, let’s go to the beach, let’s go to a museum!
I do not consider Todd to be a bad guy. As a matter of fact we are still cool and if I see him we give each other hugs and there’s nothing but love. But at the end of the day, he and I just were not meant to date.
©Monique Kelley and Confessions of A Serial Dater In LA, 2013-2021 Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Monique Kelley and Confessions of A Serial Dater In LA with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Copying my posts and changing some of the words is still plagiarism.