After my Ghosts of Dates Past (see last post) I was still in dating purgatory. I was still in “beat my self up mode.” So I decided to open myself up to dating and not be so quick to turn a “good” guy down. Enter “Andre.” We met at a party of a friend of a friend. What I appreciated about “Andre” is he saw me from across the room and walked to me and bought me a drink. A man walking across a room was unheard of in LA. And buying a drink? Priceless. “Andre” was 41, single, no kids, 6’1, with a great body. He was a successful business owner who invested in a chain of fast food restaurants. However, “Andre” was not good looking AT ALL. He had the biggest nose I had ever seen. The damn thing went from one side of his face to the other… literally. And don’t get me wrong, my nose isn’t exactly petite. But shit, this man had a HONKER! We exchanged numbers and 3 days later I found myself sitting across from his nose… I meant him. At an organic café in Venice called Gratitude Café. He had a great sense of humor. And he was easy to talk to. I really tried to focus on his eyes and the great conversation. But I found myself continuously focusing on his nose. I already know I sound like the shallowest bitch you have ever met. But I couldn’t help but think about my future children. What if I had a daughter, who was a spinning image of her father?! I couldn’t do that to my future child. I wasn’t about to mix my good genes with just any gene pool. And you already know, if you have an unattractive son, as long as he is smart and has money making potential or is great at sports, he’ll be okay, but an ugly little girl? She doesn’t have chance. And as usual I had to have a heart to heart with myself. I said, “Alright now, you just ran into two former guys you dated that you let get away. Don’t fuck this up! Give this brotha a chance! You can take your daughter to have her first nose job when she turns 16. Stop tripping. Besides, this man will adore you. He’ll give you the world. It’s always better to have a man that loves you a little bit more.”
I figured, this man would be so happy to be with me he would pull out all the stops. It was a win-win situation for me. Clearly this man was going to give me the world because he knew he had a prize! With that, I put my shallow inner diva back in her place and decided to give this man a chance. After our initial date “Andre” called me every day. He would text me throughout the day to let me know he was thinking about me. It was refreshing. He was smitten and the Leo in me enjoyed the attention. I was beginning to understand the Beauty and the Beast Dating mentality. When you are a beautiful woman dating a man who isn’t super duper fine those men tend to dote on you and really give you their all. He asked me out on another date immediately. And the next week, we were out at a The Lobster at the Santa Monica Pier. I decided to really get to know this man. We talked about our childhood and how we grew up. We also talked about some of our favorite places to travel too.
Andre: I think my favorite place so far was Aruba.
Me: I heard Aruba has the most beautiful white sand beaches.
Andre: The beaches are beautiful. How about you?
Me: I think my favorite spot by far was Bora Bora.
Andre: Bora Bora? That’s like fantasy Island. Did you go with your girls there?
I have to admit I was a little taken aback. I didn’t ask him who he went to Aruba with. Shit, I already knew it was another woman but I didn’t give a shit. So I had two choices here, I could either say yeah I went with some miscellaneous dude I was dating and open myself up for more questioning or go ahead and tell this fool I went there for my honeymoon with my ex-husband. I decided on the latter.
Me: (I took a sip of my Cake Bread Pinot Noir) I actually went there on my honeymoon.
Andre: (obviously uncomfortable) You were married?
Andre: (taking a long sip of his beer) Are you still married?
Me: If I was still married I wouldn’t be here with you.
Andre: Is the divorce final?
Andre: Do you two still talk?
Me: (somewhat getting annoyed by the cross examination) No. I haven’t spoken to him since the day I left. And before you ask there is no chance of us getting back together.
Andre: I just had to ask. I was once in a situation where I fell for a woman and she ended up getting back with her ex-husband.
Me: There isn’t a chance in hell I would get back with my ex. (changing the topic) What about you?
Andre: I’m not married.
Me: I know that. But what’s your dating situation? Do you have a girlfriend?
ME: Is there a woman out there who thinks she’s your girlfriend.
This is an important question to ask a man. Some men date and lead women on to think they are in a serious committed relationship. So I needed to know the Tea!
Andre: That is a good question (pauses for a moment). No. When I am in a relationship with someone it is clear.
Andre: I have to admit me and my ex are on and off.
Andre: Yeah. I have a tendency to fall into old habits. I think we get comfortable and before we know it we are back on again.
Me: So right now you all are in an off situation? That’s not good for me. What if I end up really liking you and then you end up going back to your ex?
Andre: That’s not going to happen.
ME: But how do you know?
Andre: I know.
The date ended and “Andre” walked me to my car. He gave me a hug and made me promise I would text him as soon as I got home. Which I did, however, I noticed he didn’t respond right away like he did on the first date. He texted me the next morning (late morning). I didn’t really think too much about it because to be honest I really didn’t give a shit. That next week his phone calls and text messages decreased. I found it so interesting. I didn’t even like this man; I wasn’t attracted to him at all. And my non-attraction was confirmed when pictures surfaced from the party we met at and there was a picture of him… and his nose and it solidified if I was going to date this man he was going to have to move mountains! He certainly couldn’t be put off that i was married before. Typically when men find this out they are put at ease because they don’t feel the pressure of having to rush things. But then I replayed our conversation. And my mind focused on what he said about him and his ex being on and off again. I kept that in my mental Rolodex
I noticed his typical sweet text messages he had sent during the week prior didn’t happen. He and I did a round of phone tag the next day but weren’t able to connect. He sent me a text message the following day.
Andre: I was at Hal’s last night. Have a great Monday.
Me: Thanks. You too.
And he didn’t call me or text me the next day. I was completely turned off. Was this 41 year old man playing the “Get out of dodge for Valentine’s Day” game? Valentine’s Day was the next day and I was curious what his game was. He couldn’t seriously be playing the disappearing act so he didn’t have to do anything for Valentine’s Day. I expected that type of foolishness from young guys but certainly not from an older man who I wasn’t even attracted to. He gave me a call. At first I wasn’t going to answer, but I was really in the mood to be amused by what the hell he had to say.
Me: (rolling my eyes) Hello?
Andre: Hey, how are you?
Me: I’m good how are you?
Andre: Trying to get a new identity. Tired of being me.
Me: Wow! What’s going on?
Andre: I’m just mentally tired. The ex, work, family…
So… That’s his angle. He was going to try to play the sympathy card. I could give two shits about his ex. And I certainly wasn’t going to ask him for more detail. He obviously got back together with her or whatever. I really didn’t care! How transparent can a man be?!
Me: I’m sorry to hear that. Hang in there. Things will get better.
Andre: I’m trying. Thanks… Well I just wanted to touch base with you.
For a mere second I thought he was going to actually make plans to take me out for Valentine’s Day. Just for a nano second….
Andre: Well. Have a good night. I’ll talk to you later.
Me: You too Andre. Good luck with everything.
I hung the phone up and I just started cracking up. And suddenly I rose above my mini dating depression and I was released from purgatory. Here I was trying to make something out of nothing with a man I wasn’t attracted to just to prove I wasn’t a person who jumped the gun too quick. You can’t keep me down for too long! Here I was questioning all of my past dating decisions and wishing I could rewind the hands of time to relive my dating past. Then I realized, I know what is best for me. I will no longer allow myself to second guess if I am being shallow by not giving a man who I am not attracted to a chance. Here was a guy who was UGLY! But I was giving him a chance and he wasn’t acting right. Shit! I’ll be damned if the ugly man doesn’t adore me and treat me like a princess. From that moment forward, I made a clear decision that if I am not attracted to a man, I WOULD NOT give him the time of day. I wouldn’t let my married friends try to make me feel like I was being shallow. I wouldn’t allow myself to second guess my decision. Because when you give a man a chance who you don’t even like in the first damn place and he fucks up, you’re left wondering, why in the hell did I waste my time. When Pinocchio decides he’s not going to treat me like a queen and I gave him the time of the day guess who I am pissed off with? ME! I know what’s best for me. Sometimes, Valentine’s Day rolls around and we start to question our dating and if we really know what is best for us. Or if our past dating decisions were wise ones. At the end of the day, we know what we need, desire, and want. And we must never allow ourselves to second guess that. Women have intuition for a reason. Now, if you meet a man who you’re not attracted to but he does what it takes to win you over, well that a different story. But if he is playing games and not sure about what he wants… keep it moving. Hell, that applies for the fine men too! I decided I was going to spend my Valentine’s Day with the most amazing person on the planet. I was going to cook a great meal, buy an expensive bottle of wine, and allow myself to take care of my Valentine… ME! Why settle for less when you have everything within you? You know what’s best for you and if you haven’t found it yet, don’t force it just so you can say you had a Valentine. Be true to you! You know what’s best. Happy Valentine’s Day!!!!
©Monique Kelley and Confessions of A Serial Dater In LA, 2013-2020 Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Monique Kelley and Confessions of A Serial Dater In LA with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Copying my posts and changing some of the words is still plagiarism.