After spending the last few days considering a cross country move I decided to exhaust all possibilities here in LA. Like clockwork whenever I am seriously reconsidering living here the weather is extra sunny and the skies are extra clear. I tell ya, this city has a way of screwing with girls emotions. So I thought, maybe I will revisit someone from the past that I might not have given a chance. So I gave “Vince” a call. (refer to my very first post- https://confessionsofaserialdaterinla.com/2013/01/am-i-vain-or-just-deserving/). “Vince” was a cool guy I went out with a couple of time but due to his excessive girth (unfortunately on his waist) I wasn’t sure if I could date him because of my own vanity. But I figured I could put my vanity aside for the possibility of staying in LA. Besides I could help him lose weight. I could make it my personal mission to be his coach and his trainer in his very own The Biggest Loser. “Vince” was overjoyed to hear from me again.
Vince: I thought you forgot about me. You just kicked a brotha to the curb.
Me: I have been on the road. You know how that is. (I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I just wasn’t into him and I had kicked him to the curb. That would have been mean… right?)
Vince: Are you in town for a while.
Me: I am. How have you been?
Vince: I’ll be better if you let me take you out to dinner this week.
Me: You know I live to make you happy Vince! Where should we meet?
Vince: How about Boa?
Me: That works for me.
Vince: Thanks for giving a brotha another chance.
Me: Oh Vince, you are too much.
I hung up the phone and I thought. See, you were just being a vain bitch. You should have given this man a chance. So what if he is a little bigger than you typically like. He is going to adore you. Wednesday night came and I pulled up to Boa. I settled on a fairly casual outfit. To be honest, normally when I am excited about going out with someone I go all out. It takes a few hours of preparation. But since it was “Vince” I didn’t feel the need for all the usual pomp and circumstance so I wore a pair of dark jeans, I bright pink blazer and a pair of heels, with an oversized clutch (in honor of going out with my oversized man). When I walked into Boa “Vince” was sitting down at one of the couches at the bar checking emails on his phone. When he saw me his eyes lit up and he stood. Oh boy… he stood up. He looked like he gained a good 15 pounds more since the last time we went out. I went up to him and gave him a hug. I couldn’t wrap my arms around him. So I tried to focus on something good about him. Okay, he had on a very nice suit. It was obviously custom. I guess it had to be. If you are that large I doubt you can just go to a regular store and buy a suit. I had to once again tame down my inner diva. Give him a chance. He might look like Professor Klump but at least he knows how to court a woman. That’s what you said you were looking for. So bitch sit down and allow yourself to be courted!
We walked to the host stand and he told the young lady his name and she immediately sat us at one of the best tables in the restaurant. Okay, that’s what I’m talking about! Suddenly his extra girth wasn’t so unappealing. That’s not exactly true. But I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, fake it till you make it. I was attempting to test out that theory. He helped me with my chair. The waiter came to the table to take our drink orders.
Vince: I’ll have a cranberry juice with lime and she’ll have a glass of the Dog Point Sauvignon Blanc.
Me: Wow Vince I’m impressed.
Vince: I pay attention.
Vince and I caught up on our lives over the last 3 months. He recently renovated his home and had just returned from taking his kids to Hawaii for their spring break. The conversation was great and the wine was sensational. I was really enjoying my time with “Vince.” I was suddenly willing to overlook his arms resting on the top of his stomach when he crossed them and his rather thick unibrow (something I hadn’t noticed before). As a matter of fact when he crossed his arms over his large stomach I noticed a beautiful yet settle Rolex watch. Okay, this wasn’t too bad. I can overlook the unappealing qualities. The good is outweighing the bad (no pun intended). Then the waiter came to the table to prepare our table side Cesar salad. The waiter was mixing the salad. So I decided to start my Trainer position to help my man lose some eight. I’m sure he could appreciate it. So I subtly said to the waiter.
Me: Light on the cheese and dressing! Um… Please.
Vince: Oh no! Extra cheese and dressing. As a matter of fact please put extra dressing on the side.
Me: I do not like a lot of dressing on my salad.
Vince: (to the waiter) Listen to the person who is paying.
With that the waiter looked at me, shrugged, and overloaded cheese and dressing onto the salad. I ordered another glass of Sauvignon Blanc. This is why I always will work even if I end up married to a zillionaire. I never want to be in a situation where I am beholding to some man all because he holds the purse strings. Don’t get me wrong. I want to be taken care of and would welcome a man who is financial able to keep me in the lifestyle I am accustomed to. But I will always maintain my independence and have “Fuck you” money.
Vince: You always gotta be in control of shit. Just sit back and let me handle shit. I see I’m gonna have to get you in check!
Me: Uh.. excuse me?
Vince: Calm down I’m just playing.
Me: (laughing) Oh I know. You ain’t crazy!
Vince: But you ARE always trying to control shit.
Me: You’re right. I’m working on it.
Vince: We are going to have to figure out a way to get you to let me handle things.
Me: I’m open to suggestions.
I realized he was giving sexual innuendos. The idea of this man naked sent me into a panic. I took a long chug of my wine and tried to shake it off. I also concentrated on not throwing up in my mouth or on him for that matter. Maybe in his mind he thought since we were out on our 5th date he was going to go there.
Vince: You gotta to experience the GRP.
Me: What’s the GRP?
Vince: The Golden Rod of Power.
I literally choked on my wine. Perhaps my ears were still clogged from the flight I had taken last week.
Me: What’s the Golden Rod of Power?
Vince: (he slowed down his speech and enunciated each word like he was teaching me how to read) The Golden…Rod… of… Power.
Just when I was taking a sip of my Sauvignon Blanc it clicked. I figured out what the GRP really was. I literally spit my wine out.
Me: Are you talking about peeing on someone?
Vince: I don’t have to pee on you. It can be the other way around.
I was disgusted. I was mortified. And suddenly the beautiful coloring of the Sauvignon Blanc I was drinking had taken on a different meaning and I couldn’t stomach it.
ME: Have you lost your God damn mind?!
I didn’t realize my voice was raised until I noticed a couple at a table 3 down was looking at us. So I lowered my voice. I wasn’t trying to re-create a scene from The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Vince: Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that shit. You need to save that for some bitch with low self esteem. How dare you?
Vince: Calm down, I was just playing.
Me: No you weren’t. You were dead ass serious. You were trying to feel me out to see if I was some type of nasty ass freak. Well I’m not. You’re absolutely repulsive.
Vince: Damn it’s like that?
Me: Yes it is you disgusting fat fuck. Good night. Good bye. And lose my number. Now go piss on that!
I threw my napkin down on the table and walked out. Thank goodness I didn’t waste a good outfit on this fool! Of course the valet was taking forever to bring my damn car around. I was hoping and praying my car would hurry up and come around. But that damn Murphy’s Law clearly has a bone to pick with me. And “Vince” walked out.
Vince: Look, I was just playing. Seriously I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to take things too far.
It was hard for me to even look at him. What made this man think that I would want his diabetic, high cholesterol piss anywhere near my home let alone my body? Who the fuck does that type of nasty shit? He stood there, all 350 pounds of him. He now looked repulsive. And WHERE THE FUCK WAS MY DAMN CAR???!!!!
Me: Have I given off any type of vibe that I would think that was remotely funny?
Vince: I know, like I said I took things too far and I’m really sorry. Please let me make that up to you.
Me: I thought you were a different type of man. But clearly I was wrong. I’m not even interested in being friends with you. Have a nice life.
Vince: I understand and I hope you can one day accept my apology.
Luckily my car had finally made its away back from the valet. What in the hell was going on with these men? I met one who was a swinger, another one who suggested I wear knee pads, and now a fat fuck that was into Golden Showers? I know I am not putting out a vibe that I am remotely into that kind of shit. As I drove off I had to repeat my mantra…
Do not become bitter. All men are not alike. You have to kiss frogs to get to your prince.
Where in the hell was my prince?! Up to this point not only have I kissed multiple frogs, I even married a demon. How many more lessons, life experiences, and bad dates do I have to go on before I experience bliss? I even attempted to give Professor Klump a chance in an effort to stop being shallow and look where that got me. I have to continue to believe and have faith that the right man is out there. I guess these shitty experiences make it even more special when you finally find your prince. The key is remaining hopeful. The second you lose hope is the point in time where you do become bitter. I decided to make a right on Mulholland and pull over and take a moment to get out of my car and just take a second to stop. At times, you can find yourself on this never ending merry go round called “Life.” Sometimes you go round and round and it becomes monotonous. Lately that’s how I felt. The dating world can push you down, drag your through the mud, and leaving you feeling empty and alone. It’s at those moments when you just have to stop and get off the ride and catch you breath. I had finally reached that point. So I did just that. I stopped. I put my top down. And I sat in my car looking up at the stars. I looked at the brightest star and the thought suddenly occurred to me. Right now at this very moment, my soul mate could be looking at that same star wondering where I was. Praying for God to send me to him. What a refreshing thought! No matter how bad it got, I knew that he was out there looking for me and eventually we are going to find each other. But until then, I vowed I would no longer settle, second guess, and doubt what I need and deserve. I made the decision to continue to believe and have faith that he is coming soon. And what a lucky man he will be. That thought left me in a true Golden State…
It is rare that I am left speechless. I have been dating since I was 14 years old and I have had my share of good and bad dates. I have also had my share of moments when a man says or does something that is completely inappropriate and out of line. But I have never experienced being at a total loss of words where I am left dazed and confused. Last night was my first time having a dating moment where I simply scratched my head and said, “What the fuck?” I ended up hanging out with a guy who I went out with a few months back. He and I both have extensive travel schedules. He is out of the country half of the time and I am in NYC the other half. This guy is what I would call dreamy. I know it sounds corny but when he looks me in my eyes I feel like he is piercing straight into my soul. He has extreme sex appeal. Between his deep voice, piercing eyes, full soft lips, 6’3 height, and nice build I literally become a giggling school girl when I am around him. The first time we went out we met up at Whisper’s Lounge at The Grove. And we connected. He’s from the east coast. You know I have my theory about East Coast transplants. I am drawn to them because they typically have way more swag, maturity, and class than these west coast men. During our first date the conversation was endless. When he told me he wanted to get married and have children before he was 40, I must admit, I instantly went into day-dream mode picturing our wedding and how beautiful our kids would look. I hadn’t allowed myself to day-dream like that since my divorce. It was refreshing but at the same time it was scary. Of course, because Murphy’s Law is just not on my side, he headed off to Europe for 3 weeks for work. However, I expected to get a phone call from him when he returned asking me out on a second date… And that didn’t happen. I wanted to file him into the Asshole category. But I didn’t right away. Because I admit it, I’m a sucker for a fine ass man! And before you ask… no I didn’t call him either. Because I’m not a sucker! However, I ran into him a few months later at various parties, we did the typical Hello and hug and kept it moving. When he didn’t call me back after the run ins it became clear he wasn’t feeling me. And the for sure sign was when I ran into him at an event and he happened to be out on a date with your typical LA video girl. You know, the girl with a bad weave hanging down her back, cheap clothing, wannabe designer purse, red bottoms, and an ass that a man could put a soda bottle (not can) on. Which made me laugh because that is the antithesis of me. No I’m not Au Natural like India Arie. But a video girl I am not! I thought, okay, I guess he’s just not that into me. As fate would have it, I ran into him at a party the other night. We did a little bit of flirting and you know I have a smart ass mouth and commented on his taste in women, which he laughed at. When the event ended he asked me out to grab a drink at the Besos in Hollywood (Eva Longoria’s former restaurant). Of course I said yes. Not only was he looking even better than I had remembered but he had the nerve to be wearing a tailored custom suit. And he wore it well. Good Lawd, I think God took more time in creating him! And I must say, we looked good together, damn good. My dad always told me when two tall attractive people walk into a room you make a statement and draw attention to you. My dad is 6’5 so he would know. We got to Besos, as soon as we walk in a former contestant on America’s Next Top Model runs up to him and hugs him in her drunken giddiness. She was polite and introduced herself to me. I smiled. After all, he’s not my man. And even if he was, the dumbest thing a woman can do is let on to another woman that she is insecure. Then we walked to the bar and another actress walked up to him and gave him a hug. I’m not sure if it is the Leo in me, but I have always liked being out with a man who other women fawn over. Perhaps it’s the feeling of justification that I’m the one out with him and you’re the one fawning. However ,when a man knows almost every woman in a room and well might I add, you start to wonder if perhaps he’s a player. At the same time, when a man reaches a certain point in life he puts his player cards on the shelf and becomes a man ready for the right woman (we should hope). So I could not get mad if other women know him from his player days and come up to him as long as he’s not disrespecting me. We had a few drinks, and of course, being out with him is like being out with someone I have known for years. I can be myself and he can be himself. It’s a win-win situation. On our way back to our cars the conversation went something like this.
McDreamy: I really like you. I have so much fun with you. I liked you from our first date but I know you could tell I was holding back. And I’m sure you wondered why I didn’t call you back.
Me: Yeah. You’re right. I could tell you were definitely holding back. But after seeing you with the video girl I just assumed that was your stillo… (we both laugh)
McDreamy: No that’s not my type. I wouldn’t settle down with a woman like that. You know, I travel a lot and I have a very active lifestyle.
Me: Uh-huh.. So do I. I think that’s the great thing about dating someone who travels a lot too.
McDreamy: I’m not one that can just be with one woman. A lot of the women I have dated in the past have been….. bi-sexual…
Me: (I blink twice as I try to figure out if I have had too many drinks or if I heard him correctly) Um… okay. Interesting. Well, obviously I’m not and don’t plan on becoming one…. No judgment.
McDreamy: I know. I just think that I am a very sexual person and I’m not conventional when it comes to sex. I like the swinger lifestyle.
Me: Uh… The swinger lifestyle?????
McDreamy: I know I have had a lot of drinks and I don’t know why I am telling you this. I guess I just feel really comfortable with you and I really like you. You’re the type of woman I could see myself with and I am conflicted because I have this other side to me.
Me: I really respect the fact that you are so honest and upfront with me. But let me be very clear. I am not interested in being with someone who cannot be with just one woman. And I am not by any means bi-sexual or plan on experimenting with becoming bi-sexual. In terms of sex, it can be great when you’re with the right person. I’m not a nun, but I draw the line at some things. So I hope I am very clear to you in terms of my expectations and what I am looking for.
McDreamy: I understand and I just don’t know if I’m ready. I like you and I’m attracted to you, but I just feel like you should know that about me.
Me: Thanks for being honest.
McDreamy: I am confused because I really like you and I have liked you since the first time we went out but I am worried that my lifestyle would ruin things and I don’t want to mess that up.
Me: Then we should keep things as is. See you around.
I got in my car drove off and I was left wondering, what in the hell just happened? What in the hell was he telling me, that he is used to dating some freak? More importantly if he’s into the swinger lifestyle is it crazy for me to assume he’s also bi-sexual? Can a man who is used to dating women who do all kinds of unconventional sexual shit (no judgment) settle down with a regular woman? I ain’t a prude in the bedroom either. But certain things are a non negotiable. When a man tells you who is you have to believe him. This got me to thinking And I hate to sound like I am 15 years old. How many other men are into extremely kinky sex and just not honest enough to be upfront about it. This man could have pulled my chain and had me dating him for a few months, fall in love, and then tell me. I honestly respected him being as upfront as he was. But at the same time, I am disappointed that McDreamy ended up being a McFreaky! Damn, another one bites the dust. Hmmm…
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